Don’t want my 16 year old here anymore.

Not overeating to undertaking

overeating to undereating

How can you force someone to sign up for the army? 🙄

@Blackwidowsbite

I am so sorry this sounds so hard.

My son dropped out of school for three years. He has been difficult but not impossible, and not violent. My son was adopted at age 3 and because of that we have had a lot of support and help. Not all adopters get it!

Some from specific adoption services but not all.

Please try your local neet/eet team (stands for Not in Education Employment or Training).

I would als work out a safety plan of what to do if there are any more threats/violence towards you or younger children.

I would try and find a way to talk to your son one to one outside the home )Go fir lunch at a sandwich bar, like Subway, McDonald's or whatever) without younger kids and Personally, I would explain a few things...

Credit cards will be changed and he will have no access to them.

If he does not go 'back' intp some firm of Education you will lose Child benefit and that means he will lose any treats/allowance/pocket money etc.

My son's favourite thing is fizzy drinks, energy drinks, used to be sweets etc. That's what he chooses to spend his money on!

I suggest you say you will turn off Internet at night to try to stop him being awake at night. Then do it

We did this with our son. He was so fucking angry and moaned constantly but eventually accepted it!

Likewise your son needs to take his meds.

Fir his health try not to buy fatty foods and treats. We tried by locking them away but our son was a cat burgler at finding them. So now, I try to limit buying them and ensure lots of fruit, bananas, cheese, yoghurt and meat etc in house. My son went from overeating to undertaking. It was (I think) all about bloody control and was exhausting.

My husband and I tried so hard with him. I cannot imagine gong it alone. You are so strong but it is so unfair you are just being left to cope!

Lastly, Personally, I would explain that any threats of violence or actual violence will be taken seriously and you will call the police.

Even the words 'put you on your arse' are a threat and if an most 6 foot, almost fully grown man said that to me, I would take it seriously. My son is also 16 and he is not far off 6 foot. But he is very skinny. Your son could use his weight against you so.please.lool onto things like NVR (Non Violenct Resistance) and think about your physical safety.

Lastly, this is a terrible situation to find yourself in. I know people love to 'blame the paretns' BUT it is not just about nurture, it is about nature too. And only.one parent I'm your case is actually dealing with it!

@60sbird

I am also so very sorry this sounds so hard.

So their Dad left when you were pregnant with DD and hasn’t been back since? That is a lot for everyone to deal with. I agree he needs a positive role model and a purpose. A hobby or club. Some 1:1 time so he can talk through his feelings of anger.

Hi OP, haven’t read the full thread but change your bank cards, switch off the internet and refer yourself to social services as your children are at risk. Keep harassing them to help. At the next outbreak of violence from him - to you, the kids or the furniture - call 999 and tell the police you are being / afraid you are about to be assaulted and go outside. When they come tell them you are terrified of him and frightened for the children and don’t feel safe to go back inside until he is gone.

i am sorry the SS will not help though it might be worth tryin again.
i assume he does not attend a school or they may be helpful
have you approached your GP
Its very drastic but when he is kicking off have you ever thought of ringing the police its drastic but it seems you are close to drastic measures
approach your local housing tell them you want him out by a certain date usually a month then they have to house him or he will be homeless. you may have to wait until the date is actually up but then he should be offered a hostel or b and b place

@Blackwidowsbite this all sounds really tough, I’m so sorry.

My DP is a manager at a supported living facility for boys like your son. I have met them all over the years and the majority of them have NEEDED to be in SL not home. There have been a few where if their home lives has been less chaotic then they’d have been better off with their parents but mostly they’ve needed staff who they can’t bully and the shock of being supported, not pandered to.
I really hope that this works out for your son and you and your children. You can’t continue to be bullied by your son, it’s completely unacceptable. Nor do you want your impressionable children thinking that it is normal. You can still have a relationship with him, just less of his bullshit in your home. Best of luck.

If he gets violent call the police and social services. Really he needs more help than you can possibly give him at home and your other children are suffering. He's your son but he doesn't have the right to terrorise you and his siblings.

Really sorry to hear this OP.

I think your first thing is to tell him next time he attacks you or his brothers, you will ring the police. Then do that. He needs to know that you're serious about consequences for his actions.

If that isn't enough, then you will have to kick him out and he will have to present to the council as homeless.

Have you told SS that your children sre living in s home where DV is taking place? That they are witnessing and experiencing violence?

This must be so difficult for you OP-i am so sorry you sre going through this! i think your ds has problems well beyond ADHD, he sounds depressed snd purposeless, but the most immediate problem is the violence and fear you are all living under. Thay needs to stop tofay. You need to tell your lad that if it ever happens again you are going straight to the police and you need go MEAN it and follow through.

I have experience of working in youth services and youth supported housing. It's not ideal but it can be done, you just need to advise SS that after a certain date, he can no longer live at home and they will need to house him. Every young person I encountered in these places had issues and I felt very sorry for them and sad but I was younger and child free back then and I had no idea what had led to them going there. One mum came into where I worked with her 16 year old son and said 'I can't cope anymore, I'm kicking him out'. I remember being disgusted and really judging her but she must have been at her wits end.
My almost 14 year old DD is giving me some relatively normal teenage attitude and even that is hard at times, I can't imagine what you're dealing with. I'm sorry.

Yes OP, tell this violent male that he can't use the wifi and take his devices off him. Let's see how that goes shall we. FFS!

"As gently as I can OP...." my arse.

Such a shame the UK does not have government-run military-style boot camps for behavioural correction! It would have done the work of 20 psychologists fawning over mental health.
I keep posting the same thing - but a few years back there was a post of a woman with a foreign mother who, over summer holidays, corrected the behaviour of her sadistically-minded son, once and for all, with very corporal methods. So I shall add what a shame we do not all have grandparents in non-sissy jurisdictions where they use traditional methods for behavioural adjustments.

I have no words of wisdom @Blackwidowsbitebut just wanted to say that I really hope you, your son and your other children get the support that you all clearly need and deserve. It sounds so incredibly difficult

Have you actually ever dealt with CMS personally?! They're useless. By far the worst people I have ever dealt with and that was WITH the exact address, work and bank details of my sons dad.

Every month they write off thousands of pounds that father's owe and the mothers just have to deal with it. It is not the shining light of help people seem to think it is. At one point I was offered £9.66 a week. Now he lives in America re married there is nothing I can do at all. They allow him to pay nothing despite earning a 6 figure salary because they 'won't intervene abroad'

My mother had a breakdown when I was 16. She threw me and my siblings out and my grandparent took me to the council and made me sit in the housing office until they did something. They housed me in a hostel that night. It’s horrific and still to this day I’m recovering from abuse and things I witnessed. Although none of this way my doing, your son seems to be extremely difficult to handle.
if you did take him to the local council with his age he’d be assigned a social worker which may help! Unfortunately social services didn’t see it as their responsibility to home me as I was 16.
good luck op it sounds an awful position for you x

Very best of luck.
It is a disgrace that you are left in this situation. I am really sorry that you have been so let down.

Be sure to list all the others who are cc at the bottom of your letter so all involved know everybody else who knows.
Nobody then has plausible deniability.

Glass

Too many people here speak only from their own limited life experience and project how they feel about their own little darlings who do not behave in this terrible way and then criticise someone who is going through a hell they will never experience.

Ignore them.

I am a retired nurse and social worker. I have worked in community teams dealing with children and adults with learning disabilities, many of whom had extremely challenging behaviour.

My advice is this:

Find out the name of the head of child services in your area and write a letter to them making it very clear that you fear for your own safety, the safety of your other children and for your son’s mental and physical health.

Give examples of his aggression towards you, the theft, the vandalism, the influence on the younger children and the effect on the overall household.

Describe the effect on your health and the health of your younger children.

Describe how he interferes with and undermines your parenting of the younger children and the effect of this on their behaviour.

Specify your complete lack of support and isolation.

Point out that you are being left to deal with a young person who, if in any type of supported care, would be assessed as needing an entire team and quite possibly a 2:1 staffing ratio.

Describe how your son refuses help in the community such as CAHMS leading to them abandoning him and that he refuses to attend school.

Point out that at age 16 he is fast approaching adulthood and you, as a single woman with younger children, are being bullied, threatened, assaulted and effectively held hostage in your own home by this young man.

Tell them that after years of asking for help and getting nowhere they are now personally on notice that this is a tragedy waiting to happen.

Tell them that although you love your son you also fear him and you fear for your younger children and because of this you cannot continue to have your son living in your home.

After finding out other relevant names copy this letter to the chief constable of your area, the head of education, the head of CAHMS, your GP and your MP.

If you can possibly afford it, send all letters by registered post so they have to be signed for.

Also contact your nearest women’s refuge and speak to them about your fears for your safety. You won’t be the first woman to contact them who is frightened of a teenage son and they might be able to add some weight to wake up local services to your situation.

Call the Police next time. I mean it