Don’t want my 16 year old here anymore.

He is heading towards Young Offenders Prison and then Adult prison if he doesn't change.

No advice to add to the excellent suggestion by PP of writing to your head of children's services, but I wanted to send support, this all sounds horrendous for you.

It may be worth going to the GP yourself and telling them how its impacting the little ones and asking them directly to help you. Get your situation on record with as many people as you possibly can.

You could ask the GP to make a MASH safeguarding referral for you (or make one yourself, there will be a form on your local council website).

The idea of the MASH hub is they can draw together safeguarding info from all different places and spot patterns and offer help. Good luck.

What about your daughter's dad, OP? His daughter is being subjected to a negative household environment. Can he help at all?

Alltheworries

Well done for getting help for your child and getting them.out of the house. You suggested the GP. That does sound like a good idea. Can you say what was the crucial factor in getting action fir your child.

My DS has ADHD too and although he's older now and far more settled down I can still remember the dreadful days when he wouldn't do a damn thing I asked him to do and was up almost all night but still up all day too getting by on 3-4 hours sleep at most. Try SS again and as pp said tell them you are at crisis point and making him homeless. They have a statutory duty to help get his housed. You could tell him he could come for a meal once a week.

Exactly this. People would rather she kick a 16yr old boy who already is massively suffering out of his home than turn off the WiFi and take away his games console. We are so brainwashed by big tech. You really don’t think it’s worth a try? Be prepared to call the police if he kicks off. Call them every single time.

When he assaults his brothers ring the police. Social services can’t ignore it then.

I wish I knew the answer but I don’t. However, I can empathise because this is exactly the same as my own son. I could have written this.

It’s not daft to do this.
If he kicks off call the police
Have back up in the house
prepare for him kicking off
i think it’s clueless to just put up with it
He won’t change unless he’s made to change

Anything but take away their phones and acsess to short form content and brain frying video games 24/7. The OP said they went to Mallorca and all he did was sit and watch you tube. Doesn’t anybody think it’s worth a try? I said give him a brick phone instead. Honestly, these devices are making our children demented they are frying their brains. Making them depressed, angry, anxious, afraid of real world interaction. Started about 6 years ago, I wonder what shift happened around then? I’m sure it’s not the whole story. Having no father around will be huge for him. Even the lack of sleep at night because they are up way past daylight hours doomscrolling is so corrosive for a growing boy causing irritability, hormones out of balance.

Have you had any experience of dealing with ND teens? Because I can assure you that none of the things you’re suggesting would work with the ND teens I know.

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at your suggestions. Waiting times for any therapy is months. Charities are overwhelmed and unable to offer anything more than a leaflet. So to suggest 1-1 daily therapy is a pipe dream.

I am so sorry you are going through this, well done for persevering and not giving up on him. You are doing what you can and sounds like you are being let down by your local services.

Child to parent abuse falls under the domestic abuse umbrella. If you haven't already, can you contact PEGS and a local domestic abuse charity for support?

The DA charity should be able to give you a support worker who can do a professional referral for you to the Family Support Worker Service/ Team at your Local Authority. The younger children's Schools should also be able to do this for you which may help you get fast tracked for the support.

PEGS is an online support network for parents experiencing abuse from a child and they have resources and signposting you might find useful https://www.pegsupport.co.uk/

It might take a few weeks for the support to kick in, don't give up. Sometimes school can seem unwilling to understand the difficulties of C2P abuse - this cannot continue though as its putting the younger children at risk as well so really should be raised under the education safeguarding as well as the Dom A aspect.

Good luck and reach out to the parenting eg PEGS support groups if you need people who understand where you are x

So many utterly clueless people here saying daft stuff like "turn off the Wi-Fi" or "take the console or phone away".

Then what? He assaults his mother. (And trashes the house.)
He is overweight and 16 year old boys are tall. He could do some serious damage to her, or his brothers.

If you are this naïve, count your blessings that you know so little about domestic violence.

I think if the relationship has broken down this much then he should be placed in something like the ymca or supported housing. I don't think he would be suitable for a foster home

So sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you have done all you can, and as you said there are other children to think of. I have no direct experience to help with, but you seem to have had some great advice. It really is a no win situation. I would just say, try and explain to him that if/when he decides he is ready to change you will be there for him (not necessarily inviting him back to your home, but providing a contact option if he gets some common sense scared into him).

He does seem to need some purpose in his life, job, activity, interest other than gaming. But he isn't ready to accept that. Hopefully he is provided a good social worker that he eventually listens to and can help guide him, or a mentor of some description.

You mentioned sexism and misogyny, is he watching/involved with any of the social media stuff about the 'manosphere'? As he doesn't seem to see anyone else socially, it seems he must be getting some influence online. Its probably a long road back, but maybe try and find/show him some examples of others who had a rough start in life but turned it round. Positive male role models against the Tates etc. I can't remember any off the top of my head, but have heard many stories told by men who have come through the other side. I don't expect him to accept it straight away, but trying to give nuggets he may eventually listen to if he is able to see through the BS many teenage boys are being fed online.

Best of luck

aqualibre55

I tried to take away my son's phone. We almost had a 'fight' at the top.pf the stairs, which could have resulted in one or both of us falling downstairs!

A phone is their lifeline, their contact with outside world etc

So it might be better to use it to attempt to communicate with them, point to sources of support etc rather than remove it. just my thoughts.

It's easier to control who pays for the phone and intermet access than actually get the bloody thing off them.

Just my experience but OP as said her son is pretty big so not sure he will give up devices easily.

My cousin said it was really upsetting but said it was the best call she made.
hes now looked after 24/7 with people trained to do so and she visits and it’s all quite well managed.
you have to be kind to yourself and your other kids and you sound like you’ve done your absolute best with him.

When my son was being unreasonable I packed a suitcase for him and put it by the door and said you act like that again and you’re out. I meant it. You should not have to put up with this. My only advice is tough love and protection of your other children. Boys can get used to being a bully and I guarantee he wouldn’t act up if you were 6 ft with muscles

I dont have experience of this but just trying to think what I would do. Ultimately I would put him out. He wouldnt be treating me, my home or my kids like this. Living in a family home brings expectations and he isnt meeting those - so he can find somewhere else. I would tell him to take himself to the local authority tomorrow with a bag of clothes and get help. I would tell him he isnt wlecome and if he isnt gone by 10am I will be calling the police. If you think he will be violent during this exchange of words, ask the police to come before you do it.

Alternatively
You can report him to the police for the violence against you and the kids, and any other criminal behaviour, and have him charged. Ask for conditions that he doesnt come near your.or your house. No matter how much police or social harrass you take him back (he is sorry now) dont do it until you have seen a long running change in him - attending therapy and anything else as directed by services. There ARE services and places available. Id even go so far as turning my phone off so they cant phone me and guilt trip me to take him back.

Whatever the route cause is, the current situation cannot continue. That gaming device would be in the bed too.

All the best.

Plus can you put in an urgent request to CAMHS. (Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services) might be called different things depending where you are. I'm England.

They are not dreadfully good but better than nothing. Do it now before he ages out

I'm sorry if he has already had a CAMHS referral.

I’m sure you won’t do this but if it were me I’d take away his games console and any screens, replace his phone with a brick, give him £10 cash every week to buy drinks or whatever and call the police each and every time he gets violent. Also tell him he is loved. I do genuine sympathise with you but sometimes the answer is staring you in the face.

Call the police when the violence happens, they'll remove him and once removed refuse him home, SS will become involved then and place in the emergency foster care, if sen he'll have Foster care and move onto assisted living, won't go into detail to how I know but they will support when it's gone to far,