Don’t want my 16 year old here anymore.

I’m not trying to shame her. I’m saying I too would have a lot of unresolved anger if I had lived through the trauma and upheaval her DS has experienced if my mum refused to acknowledge that her decisions had impacted my life. And that’s without suffering from PDA, which I’m sure makes it all even worse. Yes, the OP has asked for help but she also hasn’t helped herself! If the DS was forced j to therapy and asked about his life to date, what exactly do you think he would say?!

That is not to say the DS hasnt been let down by services supposed to be there to support him but both things can be true at the same time.

That is not a helpful comment. She has to deal.with the existing situation and that includes the fact that he doesnt have one. All kids are happier to.two loving parents but many dont live in that situation and OP needs advice on her own situation, not a utópic one

@Blackwidowsbite - I cannot believe the amount of victim blaming/shaming you’re getting on this thread (along with some inane suggestions). You’ve done everything you can and now need to protect yourself and your other children. I agree with other posters who’ve said he needs to be removed from the family home/surrendered to Social Services. And to call the police when he gets violent or destroys property. Wishing you all the best

Honestly, people trying to shame you?! It's sickening. They've got no fucking clue!
Clearly, you have begged for help, and been repeatedly fobbed off, you and your son have been badly let down by the system designed to help. You have nothing to be ashamed of.
I also imagine that seeing him go, although will be some relief, will break your heart. I hope you have support around you.

See … you read everything I wrote and your response was “yep, all my fault”. I was very clear that it’s not all your fault but of course you are partly to blame for the impact that YOUR actions and decisions have had on him. Do you really lack the introspection to see that? He is clearly angry, maybe it’s partly because he feels you fucked up his life and refuse to take even a tiny bit of responsibility!

@Blackwidowsbite you sound like a million mums in your situation with a child with his complex profile. I think for your own sanity you should stop explaining and justifying yourself to the people here who have no grasp of the complexities of how neurodivergence and pda can manifest themselves.
you have proven that to withdraw WiFi has escalated things to an extreme. Rightly or wrongly, the computer is likely to be his only regulation tool at the moment, you need specialist support, not people ripping into you for choices you made 17 years ago, or because your child has a challenging presentation.
even if he didn’t move out, he needs at the very least someone like an OT, which could come from a care act assessment. If he has an EHCP then he clearly has needs which the local authority should ensure are being met at some level.
he is challenging and his needs are complex but they’re not by any stretch unusual, just too much for a mum and other children to deal with alone.
even if you did have a partner at home he might still be this challenging or he might not, but none of this is your fault.

Computer - gone
card numbers changed and hidden - I would consider reporting to the bank and the police.
dragged out the bed each morning, no phone or other privileges WiFi turned off/blocked.
presuming he hasn’t been going to school if he’s in bed all day?
ring social servics/cahms daily and tell him he a danger to your other children. They’ll soon help

You are clearly at your wits end but it’s very clear that nothing is your fault. You didn’t ask for the 3 men you decided to have kids with to be shit, but neither did your son. He doesn’t respect you - from his perspective, perhaps he sees the 3 crappy fathers and thinks a woman who allows that type of behaviour doesn’t deserve respect? I can’t imagine what his life has been like to date with the amount of upheaval he has experienced but who he is now is as much your fault as it is his - the boy didn’t stand a chance from birth. To be clear, it is also the fault of his absent dad, not just yours.

Sadly, it doesn’t sound like there is anything you can do for your son now and asking him to leave does seem to be the best option, but, at some point you need to accept that he hasn’t had a good start in life due to the choices that you and the men you decided to procreate with have made and he is the product of those poor choices.

This is such a weird post, as if you've not read anything OP has said. She's tried everything in her power to get him help, how did you miss that? Also, nothing OP has said suggests she hates her son.

So the three year old’s father upped and left pretty sharpish.

Whenever I read a thread like this there are almost always too many children for one adult to manage, and yet they keep going. If your eldest has been troubled for six years how did you even have time to date let alone start a new family?

My heart goes out to you OP.
I had a similar experience and didn't have a happy ending.

Oh OP, I really feel for you, it's a desperately difficult situation.

I wish people making lovely suggestions would understand how you've tried everything in the last six years.

You're literally at crisis point, and there is a potential tradegy waiting to happen. You and your other children are at risk and as DS is so unpredictable, who knows what will happen and when.

I think your priority is everyone's safety, and clearly, so do you. I think you need to call the police and say you want him removed by them. Or for them to be in attendance when you ask DS to pack his bags and leave. Give all the examples of his violence and aggression. This isn't about you not caring, it will force SS involvement and hopefully will be an avenue to getting him appropriate residential support. Make it clear to him that you still love him and that you're doing this in order to help him but also that ultimately, you will not and cannot tolerate his behaviour in your house any longer.
Ignore the judgemental comments. This could be the best thing for your son. And there may be a good chance you can build on your relationship in the long term.
I wish you all the very best.

I love it when people chirp "Sit him down and lay all the facts out to him". I tried to "sit DS1 down" for years, but he would either walk off or talk right over me. If I laid out what I wanted in a text, it would be "CBA to read all that". The lengths he went to avoid hearing what I wanted to say to him were impressive. So, at 16 and a half he doesn't live here any more. He was assigned a youth worker (who he refused to engage with), and there was the option to be signGed into local authority care and housed by them, but he opted not to take that, because he wants to

As a single parent, how do you propose the OP provides that?

I am afraid your thread headlines says you do not. And goes on to list why not. And that he has been this way since the age of ten.

You don’t have to say things to people sometimes for them to understand how you feel about them.

Is there someone like women’s aid that could advise you?

It sounds incredibly difficult.

I think gaming is the cause of a lot of issues, my kids don't like being told they have time limits or to come off to do something else, they always seem really angry so the more anger they show when they come off the less time they can game for. I also think mobile devices are bad for MH issues, people use them to isolate themselves. I would remove his phone and his PS5 every day after 6pm so he can't stay up on night on them.

When he goes outside to rant and rave - lock the door and call the police - actually if you can get him to go outside any time he gets abusive then lock the door on him and call the police.

Stop worrying about what your neighbours think.

The point of the boxing club, where you have an angry young man you will get trained coaches able to redirect anger. And focus into something positive, with discipline and structure. And why many boxing clubs thrive in some areas where angry young men may feel life has thrown them nothing good.

It will not teach a psychopath not to be one granted. If unreachable, then unreachable he would remain.

"I mean what else can I do with his mindset like that? I can’t physically drag him to the appointments or online…."

Of course you cannot. It was just a thought.

I would be phoning the police and social services. What will happen when teachers notice how tired your other kids are and they tell the teacher about what’s happening? Or when he hurts them badly and a medical professional or school have to then refer a safeguarding concern.
i think you are probably so worn down by his behaviour that a way forward seems too hard to picture. Which is understandable. But you can’t control his actions. You can only control yours which needs to be actions that will help all of you.

I think this is a really dangerous suggestion when he’s already showing violent tendencies towards OP and his siblings. It’s giving him the tools to do a better job.