Don’t want my 16 year old here anymore.

This is not the fault of having no dominant male in the house. Although I do agree it’s easier to cope with when there are two of you.

I do not agree with turfing young adolescent children out when they are obviously screaming at you for help but just don’t say it. It comes out in many other ways but the right way.

@Blackwidowsbite your son needs help. I strongly believe this is where your focus should be. Call the social everyday, as those that scream loudest get served first, or if you think he’s a danger to himself, you or your younger children you may need to look at getting him sectioned to get him the help he needs.

I wish you all the patience you need to get through this together. He’ll thank you when he’s an adult.

Report your card lost. They cancel it and will send you a new card with a fresh 16 digit card number. Just don’t share it with your son or tell him what you’ve done to avoid him kicking off. Act clueless as to why the card he has no longer works.

Dad has buggered off tho....

Then report your card as lost to the bank and get another - and don’t give him the card details. OP you’re obviously in a horrendous situation but this is one element you can control. He’s effectively stealing from you.

Ive been where you are, at least 75% of it, and I hear you. It's hell to live with. Some boys really, really do need a dominant male in the house.

It's hell to live with and when every other path has been tried, you have to weigh up the needs of your oldest with the needs of your younger children - who need a peaceful, stable, loving and well-boundaried childhood - and your own needs.

Sometimes, if there is absolutely no other choice, you are driven for everyone's sake to make the hardest decision.

People who haven't been there just won't get it, and many will be quick to judge and to say "but you should have done this differently". There are lots of people, male and female, who love judging where they have no knowledge.

It does sound like you've reached the end of your tether and his problems and behaviour are getting worse for you and his siblings, but also he is on a downward spiral that is now out of control.

You need to find a solution rather than carrying in as you are, especially as your on your own and have other children to consider.His father has let him down badly as have social services and educational services., and NHS.

Are there any grandparents in the picture where he could stay for a while,?

I don't know if evicting him is what you really want to do, it's just the immediate solution to the issues but if you do, I think you need to ring the councils homelessness unit and explain everything to them and ask them to find him accommodation as you are evicting him at the end of the month. Do you have a hostel.in your area? If you or the council can find a place for him. then pack a bag for him, open a bank account for him give him some survival money until he can get benefits ( or a job?) and provide him with information on how to find a job , the benefits claim process, and list what bills he will have to pay. ( Rent, food, mobile phone etc,) .

If you want him to change his behaviour and attitudes he needs therapy and he needs a qualified experienced support worker and possibly mental health support from NHS. Is there a young person's mental health charity in your area that could offer him a support worker to help him understand the impact his behaviour is having and help him transition to adulthood and find employment, as it doesn't sound like he is going to be able to support himself, and may end up on the streets or resort to criminal activity.

It's a dreadful situation to be in, but but I think you have to take proactive action as doing nothing is not helping any of you.. I expect you are just sick and tired and mentally exhausted yourself, but try to make some phone calls today. Prepare yourself and him a timetable and action and consequences list to work to before you evict him by whatever deadline you set.

Is he depressed? As it seems he shows little interest in anything.
Or could he be involved in something criminal at all?

It's impacting on your other children so it's not sustainable
You need help and support. Perhaps residential care is the way forward

Hear hear 👏

Try social care again please. Things are likely to be different from a few years ago.
X

I don’t think you understand the first thing about the OPs situation .
Did you mean to be so rude?
The council happily spend £2k a fucking WEEK on keeping somone alive with dementia and looking after them 24/7.
But heaven forbid a worn down, terrified mother gets some help.

On my banking app card I can block online payments associated with the debit card. You may want to check this

Well done OP

I really hope you ARE doing all of this today, OP, and not wasting time trying to argue your case with judgemental PPs who appear to have no concept of your horrible situation.

Wishing you the very best of luck in finding a solution ASAP.

I grew up with a violent and abusive older brother that was exactly like this. My mum, also a single mother could do nothing to stop him, he was too big and more powerful than her. He physically assaulted me, my mum and my sister on numerous occassions, not to mention the severe mental abuse that I still get therapy for to this day (11 years after I left).

Get him out. Put your other kids first as they are still salvageable. Protect them, as it is your duty to do so. His needs have gone beyond what you can do and he needs professional help at this point, he sounds way too far gone. You sound like you've done a brilliant job raising your kids and managing everything in the face of your circumstances and kudos to you for that. Sometimes no matter how hard we do or even if we do evrrything right, some circumstances are out of our hands and things can end up like this. Don't beat yourself up and feel bad about yourself. You recognise the problem which is why you are posting, that is a major step in itself and not an easy one when its about your own child, i know how hard that is. But the only thing you can do about this, that you have left in your power is to get him out.

Do what you have to, protect yourself, protect your kids. If you cant stop him from attacking your younger kids and yourself that is the biggest problem and biggest reason to get him out; you don't need more reasoning than that. Honour your duty of care to your younger children.

I know what its like to live like this. Dont carry it on. Do what you have to to rehouse him elsewhere and prioritise your other children. I am so, so sorry you are going through this. Everything will be so much easier when its sorted. Big hugs 🫂

OP have you ever called the police when your son has been violent? If not I strongly suggest you do, do it every time and allow them to remove your son if required. Tell the police that due to your sons behavior your younger children are at risk. This will trigger a safeguarding referral at the least. It does sound like you have reached the the end of the road and he may need some form of supported placement.

The moment he laid hands on you and his siblings was the moment he should have been barred from the house.

Make it unequivocally clear that any further incident of this nature will result in him being required to leave the property.

He is a violent brat.

@Blackwidowsbite he obviously has serious mental health issues, he’s acting erratically and aggressively, and refuses to take his meds. Could you get him sectioned?

Once might be the wake-up call he needs to know that you’ll not put up with his behaviour. And he may actually get the help he needs too.

How is he able to spend on your card without your permission? Surely this is a control you can put in place.
Yoo need to set clear boundaries. You can control the wifi so he’s not gaming all night. You can control your bank account. I understand it’s challenging but you also sound a bit beaten which I can understand. Would he benefit from a mentor system? Look up befriend a child and see if that will help.

Be clear that you love him but unless he can meet your rules he has to move on.

Well done, OP. What you've done isn't easy - please be ready to repeat your story to multiple people, and don't downplay anything. Unfortunately, the system is so broken that you have to 'prove' you're at breaking point to get any help. Repeat to everyone that yourself and your younger children are at risk of physical abuse (this may trigger the younger children being put on a child protection plan, which may feel judgemental, but it should help in the long run). You are asking for professionals to help you safeguard your younger children, if he were an adult, or a partner doing this, you would have kicked him out a long time ago. Repeat that sentence to everyone you speak to.

He is a troubled young man who needs help - you, like most of us, can't do that alone, so you need professionals to step in. Hopefully this will mean you can rebuild a relationship with him in the future.

I really hope you get a call back within the next day or so, but if you don't, please call the duty line again.

Sending strength.

i hope SS etc start moving soon for you OP.

Have you spoken to your other children’s school ? Your other children are witnessing some extreme DV here and school need to know this . School involvement may help your case along too . (Before a pile on, I work in school and we have got involved with similar cases).

‘the NHS said that SS should take responsibility and SS wanted the NHS to look after him’
this is far more common than people realise and leaves thousands of people, children, young people, families etc in an interminable bottle neck of cycling and escalating risk and behaviour.
increased pressure on frontline services, police, ambulance, emergency rooms, schools, GP surgeries, the public etc.
it’s absolutely shameful and all comes down to money.

Having bothered to read all the thread, there's clearly plenty of people on it that either haven't read it all or have only accepted the bits that support their own views! Still seeing comments about "contact CAHMS" when you've already explained you have, or "talk to him about his plans for next year/college/long term" when he's already refused to engage.

@Blackwidowsbite I indirectly deal with Care Leavers in my job, so do have a bit of an idea how some teens can behave. Your son's behaviour isn't down to his ADHD, although that may exacerbate some of his behaviours it almost definitely isn't the cause of them.

The "sit him down and talk to him" suggestions are from people who just looked at the headlines of what you wrote & didn't read or ignored your comments about his refusal to do that. Same with the ones who suggest anything at all to do with him engaging with others, as you've tried that many times and tried to tell him it will help him, and he's refused multiple times. Same for the suggestions of Boxing clubs or the gym - apart from the fact those would make him even more dangerous to you and his siblings, there's no way he will go to anything like that as they aren't in his room on line.

I feel sorry for you for all the people here who have suggested it's your fault. There are many, many children who grow up in much more chaotic households that never show signs of violence to siblings and are happy to cooperate with professionals.

I agree with the suggestions about calling the Police every time he is violent, threatens you or the other children, or starts to damage the house. Keep on at Social Services; they are horrendously overworked and understaffed but will respond once it's very clear to them this isn't a one off or short term thing, and to do that you can't really leave them to do their thing without you following up. As suggested by others, emphasise the potential harm to the siblings.

Good luck!