Should ex just give the dc his inheritance instead of just wasting it?

Liesmorelies · 2026-09-01T12:47:47+00:00

I know this isn't my business but it is annoying me so much. Ex (divorced 10 years ago) is low paid with various health conditions (being low paid predates these) and has never financially supported the dc. He is on some kind of benefits sometimes - not sure of details but I do have claim open and often have letters to say he has £0 to pay due to being on benefits. However, at the moment he is meant to be paying £80 per month for one remaining under 18 child and some of his arrears - obviously he isn't paying it. He lives nearby and was in rented until a few years ago when he inherited about £200k and bought a house outright. His family and most of his friends live in a city about 90mins away by train - ex can't drive for medical reasons. He has told dc2 that when they start uni next year he will be moving back to his city. Presumably the house will be sold but I'm not sure that he will buy again and it's likely he will move in with family. He has owned the house for around 5 years. It's an older property and he has no cash to spend on it - it's not what you'd call well-presented, to put it politely. So the two transactions in a short space of time, along with 0 investment in the house and the state of the market now will mean he will surely lose quite a bit of his original lump-sum. It was always his plan to move once the dc started uni as his life mainly is in the other city. However, they have only stayed at his 4 nights per fortnight and have often complained about that - don't know if he knows that though. It's also not unusual for him to cancel some of the contact he does have - with that in mind, probably averages out to 1or 2 nights per week over a year. Presumably, if he sells the house and moves in with family he will lose benefits and burn through the money - he is incredibly irresponsible financially. It just seems such a waste. I feel like buying the house was such a poor decision and a waste and feel like he should have just gifted the money to the dc for them to invest. I wish he could do that now. At least some of his benefits must be non-means tested so could he do that? That money is quite likely to be the only money from that side of the family the dc ever get, and they haven't been supported by their dad so I feel like they should have it, but it's all just going to be wasted. I know it's nothing to do with me but I am so tired of being the only one providing anything for the dc ever and this is yet another stupid and wasteful decision from him.

ImmortalSnowman · 03/09/2026 08:38

Owl55 · 03/09/2026 08:26

Report him anonymously for claiming benefits when he has money!!!

He doesn't have money. He bought a house with inheritance, saving tax payers from paying for his rent. But if he had given the money to his children to suit @Liesmorelies he would have deprived himself of assets and been homeless and without benefits. Buying a house to live in was a financially sensible decision.

Owl55 · 03/09/2026 08:26

Report him anonymously for claiming benefits when he has money!!!

Owl55 · 03/09/2026 08:14

If he has money owing to you for child maintenance can you report him to child maintenance and get what you are owed?? Maybe don’t pay him what you owe him in 4 years time!

Laurmolonlabe · 02/09/2026 18:58

You no way of knowing A/ what or how much he claims
or B/ how much equity he would have in the property- combined with the fact it is nothing to do with you, so I would suggest you stop the speculation and get on with your life. Your ex is clearly not the kind of person who thinks about his own future, let alone that of his children.

Marksthengym · 02/09/2026 09:21

Liesmorelies · 02/09/2026 08:22

I don't need to - we have to use direct pay - they write to tell me when he doesn't pay. I mentioned arrears being factored into the current amount he is supposed to pay so that should tell you they are aware when he doesn't pay. They also mentioned he was 'naughty' not to have mentioned the inheritance to them, but he had bought the house already so there was nothing they could do. Why are people on here always trying to slyly imply it's a woman's fault when a man is shit?

@Meadowfinch I'm starting to see why you are divorced.

Jesus - this is MUMsnet, isn't it? I mention a man who has never supported his kids, has minimal contact with them, slopes off on cheap holidays rather than fulfilling his contact time with them and somehow this makes it clear to you it's my fault we are divorced?

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At least it’s cheap holidays!

How long ago did he buy the property outright with his inheritance (which I actually think was a sensible way to spend an inheritance)

Coconutter24 · 02/09/2026 09:15

Liesmorelies · 02/09/2026 08:22

I don't need to - we have to use direct pay - they write to tell me when he doesn't pay. I mentioned arrears being factored into the current amount he is supposed to pay so that should tell you they are aware when he doesn't pay. They also mentioned he was 'naughty' not to have mentioned the inheritance to them, but he had bought the house already so there was nothing they could do. Why are people on here always trying to slyly imply it's a woman's fault when a man is shit?

@Meadowfinch I'm starting to see why you are divorced.

Jesus - this is MUMsnet, isn't it? I mention a man who has never supported his kids, has minimal contact with them, slopes off on cheap holidays rather than fulfilling his contact time with them and somehow this makes it clear to you it's my fault we are divorced?

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How am I slyly implying that it’s your fault? I asked a question to see if CMS are actually doing anything about missed payments

jountyey · 02/09/2026 08:47

And who is to say that your 17 & 20yo DCs will not waste that money if your xH decides to share it with them?

Burningbud1981 · 02/09/2026 08:34

Liesmorelies · 02/09/2026 08:22

I don't need to - we have to use direct pay - they write to tell me when he doesn't pay. I mentioned arrears being factored into the current amount he is supposed to pay so that should tell you they are aware when he doesn't pay. They also mentioned he was 'naughty' not to have mentioned the inheritance to them, but he had bought the house already so there was nothing they could do. Why are people on here always trying to slyly imply it's a woman's fault when a man is shit?

@Meadowfinch I'm starting to see why you are divorced.

Jesus - this is MUMsnet, isn't it? I mention a man who has never supported his kids, has minimal contact with them, slopes off on cheap holidays rather than fulfilling his contact time with them and somehow this makes it clear to you it's my fault we are divorced?

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Well if he’s such a waste man why are you giving him so much headspace? He has never provided for his kids so he’s not about to now is he? His inheritance is nothing to do with you. Move on.

Original poster

Liesmorelies · 02/09/2026 08:22

Coconutter24 · 02/09/2026 07:54

If he’s not been paying CMS when it’s due, have you contacted them to report it?

I don't need to - we have to use direct pay - they write to tell me when he doesn't pay. I mentioned arrears being factored into the current amount he is supposed to pay so that should tell you they are aware when he doesn't pay. They also mentioned he was 'naughty' not to have mentioned the inheritance to them, but he had bought the house already so there was nothing they could do. Why are people on here always trying to slyly imply it's a woman's fault when a man is shit?

@Meadowfinch I'm starting to see why you are divorced.

Jesus - this is MUMsnet, isn't it? I mention a man who has never supported his kids, has minimal contact with them, slopes off on cheap holidays rather than fulfilling his contact time with them and somehow this makes it clear to you it's my fault we are divorced?

OP posts:

Coconutter24 · 02/09/2026 07:54

If he’s not been paying CMS when it’s due, have you contacted them to report it?

Meadowfinch · 02/09/2026 07:26

It has nothing to do with you OP, how he spends his inheritance.

Buying a house was a sensible thing to do. He chose what he wanted with his money, and ensured he had bedrooms for his children. Both are reasonable. Your views aren't relevant.

He can't just give the money away now and expect the tax payer to keep him. He will need the money for his own living expenses and care. You also have no way of knowing if he will live with a sibling.

I'm starting to see why you are divorced.

Marksthengym · 02/09/2026 07:10

You have spent quite a bit of time thinking about what your ex should have done and should do with his inheritance. To say that this has been a waste of time would be an epic understatement. As if he would follow your advice. In fact…. No doubt a big part of why he is doing what he’s doing is to piss you off perhaps!

Either way… he bought a £200k property to live in and he takes cheap holidays to stay with mates for free. He doesn’t exactly sound like the last of the big spenders. And his kids don’t even want to spend time with him so why be pissed that he’s not seeing them when he’s away on holiday?

Did you ever get counselling post divorce?

AmnesiacsDream · 01/09/2026 17:50

He’s obviously a bit of a shit. But if he’s on benefits he couldn’t give the money to the kids as would have been intentional deprivation of assets.

Switchnow · 01/09/2026 17:18

Liesmorelies · 01/09/2026 14:34

@Switchnow Yes, he wanted to present the facade of having kids, without having to do anything difficult regarding them. If he lives off the proceeds rather than buying another property it'll be gone within a year or two - it won't be a great saving for 'the taxpayer.'

There's no getting out of the settlement as he had no part of the deal - child support is separate. I'll obviously leave my children everything I have at that point - who knows how much that will be, but I work stupid hours and have a decent salary. Can't save much though because getting two kids through uni on one wage (minimum loan) having brought them up alone for years is £££.

But it would be a saving for the taxpayer, whereas giving it to your children would into be. Not sure why ‘the taxpayer’ - presumably you are one, and therefore would prefer that we all make a contribution rather than siphon off money for our own selves.

TFImBackIn · 01/09/2026 17:13

Is there any way of getting that money he owes you once he sells up? I am so angry on your behalf, OP. Yet another useless man who doesn't think he has to provide for his own children.

Ponderingwindow · 01/09/2026 17:07

No he does not need to hand over his entire inheritance.

It is reasonable for him to make a contribution to university. most parents with means and morals do so.

likelysuspect · 01/09/2026 17:03

Liesmorelies · 01/09/2026 13:54

I mean, it's not that long!

He's selling the property anyway. I want him to give the proceeds to the dc instead of pissing it up the wall.

Kids are 17 and 20 - they could be setting up for life instead of him just wasting it all.

And where would he live if it breaks down with family

And how would he claim any benefits when the DWP will see that he just gave money away, whats he supposed to live on?

You're annoyed that he used his own family's money to provide a roof for his own head?Where did you think he would have lived if he hadnt done that?

Cottagecheeseisnotcheese · 01/09/2026 16:57

the problem is with benefits and inheritance, is that buying a home to live in yourself is not considred deprivation of assets ( neither is paying off debt or essential repairs ) whilst most other spending other than living costs is considered deprivation, in many case redirecting inheritance is also considered deprivation.
if he sells the house and buys another that is not deprivation but if he sells and moves in with family the money has to be used to support himself he can't gift it away as he will loss all means tested benefits for years. I think if he sells house he has 6-12 months to buy again before it is considered money to live on

it is annoying for you and I'm sorry you have had to deal with this for years and no child support either, it is such a bad system

Coconutter24 · 01/09/2026 16:51

Like you say it’s non of your business. All you can do is try make money for yourself so that you have something for your children to inherit if you’re so keen for them to inherit something, maybe you already have something for them to inherit from you but either way your ex was left money and his to decide what he wants to do with it

Willreturnforsure2 · 01/09/2026 16:48

Liesmorelies · 01/09/2026 16:42

No, they're not close. Like I said in the OP they don't particularly like staying with him, and 20 yo doesn't really much anymore, though does still see him. He's their dad but they didn't like going between the two houses and they never wanted to spend much time there. I think they would have been fine seeing him less often had he moved back home. And going on cheap holidays instead of maximising earning/fulfilling your responsibilities is shitty behaviour. He did it when they were younger at short notice and it used to mess me about. But you seem ready to defend him no matter what, so...

So why be upset that he goes on holiday and then can’t see his adult kids? Sounds like they wouldn’t want to see him anyway!

Jellybunny98 · 01/09/2026 16:45

I can see why you want him to but from his perspective can understand why he won’t. He needs something to live off, his benefits will stop (at least the majority that are means tested) once he sells this house and has the cash back in the bank and so he needs that money to fund his life. If he gives the money away his benefits will still be stopped, deprivation of assets/capital, and he’ll have no money to support himself. Really if he wanted the money to go to his kids he needed his dad to leave it to them directly because now even if he wanted to give it to the kids he can’t without leaving himself with no income, no money to live off & no benefits.

Original poster

Liesmorelies · 01/09/2026 16:42

No, they're not close. Like I said in the OP they don't particularly like staying with him, and 20 yo doesn't really much anymore, though does still see him. He's their dad but they didn't like going between the two houses and they never wanted to spend much time there. I think they would have been fine seeing him less often had he moved back home. And going on cheap holidays instead of maximising earning/fulfilling your responsibilities is shitty behaviour. He did it when they were younger at short notice and it used to mess me about. But you seem ready to defend him no matter what, so...

OP posts:

Willreturnforsure2 · 01/09/2026 16:35

goes on cheap holidays staying with friends abroad multiple times per year

silver lining… “cheap” and free accommodation!

Willreturnforsure2 · 01/09/2026 16:34

Are the 17/20 year old close to him?

Original poster

Liesmorelies · 01/09/2026 16:33

What is he spending on? He bought a modest property outright to live in. That’s not really pissing money up the wall

I don't know why you are questioning this - I've said repeatedly he wastes money and he doesn't pay CMS when he is supposed to. I get buying in a house, but even then he bought one he can't afford to maintain and moves again with years, which was planned and is a massive waste of money. He goes on cheap holidays staying with friends abroad multiple times per year which sometimes stops him working and means he doesn't see the dc. It's just irresponsible.

I know it's a waste of time me thinking about this but I just find it so frustrating. I actually think he should have asked his dad to leave the money to the dc, I do. He gets benefits anyway to live on while they could have actually done something with the money. He's bought a house to lose money on and may just spend the rest living for a bit and then be back on benefits with the same life he had before getting it.

Thanks @WhyWouldSomeoneDoThat and @Fizzink38 for understanding.

OP posts: