I had an affair and I want my affair partner to be discovered

Yup men don’t like to share their woman but see no irony in expecting their woman to share them.

Woman put on a brave face and continue on most of the woman who leave are either super high earners or minimum wage/benefits. If you’re in the middle they seem to stay as it’s easier with two incomes they just move him down to room mate emotionally.

You sound bitter. I could understand wanting the wife to know because you felt she deserves to know her husband is a cheat.

But you just seem to be bitter that your marriage has been impacted and his has not. Leave them alone.

Also how has your marriage suffered if your husband does not know? Did you end the affair or did he?

That’s Mumsnet for you
woman has affair and whilst the comments seem to condemn it on the surface there’s always an underlying sympathy and support that would not be there for a man in the same situation.

@Gemitf block him and book some therapy sessions before you blow two lots of children’s lives apart.
Where do you find the time for an affair ?
put your energy into something else. .
If your marriage is lacking as your husband to talk and think of a way to work on things. .
You aren’t thinking clearly.

You need to make some decisions, OP.
Do you want the affair to resume? If not, block the man's number so you can get away from his mind games. They're not bringing anything positive to your life.
Do you want your husband to know for your benefit or for his? Would you be able to look him in the eye and say quite truthfully that it's over and you don't have feelings for the other man?

Whatever you do, do not tell his wife. That would be a very cruel thing to do and you know she doesn't deserve that. It's up to him to come clean, although of course it looks like he won't unless his hand is forced.

Ultimately, happiness is the best revenge so if you can find a way of working with your husband to fix your marriage and regain your husband's trust, that's an outcome to aspire to. But if you no longer love your husband then draw a line under the marriage now and set him free.

I wonder if some sessions with a marriage counsellor (alone) would help you think more clearly.

Everyone who has been in this situation thinks like this . They are special. In another lifetime blah blah...he saw a vulnerability in you that he could exploit. There you are on the end of a phone sexting him then he can have a wank or a session with his wife. He is not a good person. If he lies to his wife why would he not lie to you? Because you have a deep meaningful connection? Don't be a fool.

@Gemitf

Buckle up - you’re not going to get much sympathy here - you really don’t have any moral high ground. You’ve literally ‘shit on your own doorstep’ & potentially made life awkward for your poor kids, being at the same school. Why are you so angry that he’s back living with his wife, having not told her, when you’re doing exactly the same??!!

Oh come on, at least be honest about this

If you cared about her, you wouldn't have had an affair with her husband

If you felt she deserved to know, you'd have confessed before her husband dumped you

If you want to throw a grenade into their marriage to punish him, that's up to you. But own it

OP, you can't control the outcome here.

You expect your husband would leave you but telling his wife doesn't mean AP's marriage will end as well.

Destroying his family will do nothing to alleviate the fall out you'll be dealing with on your side. At best you'll get temporary relief in a gotcha moment but that's it.

Also, don't expect blowing up his life will come without more negative emotions. You may experience guilt and regret about it down the line. If your little plan didn't work you'd be stuck with the irritation of knowing he really did 'get away with it'.

Having said that, drop the notion that them not getting divorced means he got away with it. Their marriage would be changed forever - you've no idea what would be going on behind the scenes.

You're experiencing some very uncomfortable and deserved emotions in the aftermath of this. Guilt, shame, frustration, envy and a general all round belief that AP should be suffering down in the emotional gutter with you.

You are looking for relief from the mental load. Your vengeful desire is not born from seeing the light and believing that his wife deserves to know who she's really married to. It comes from a need to feel better than you currently do.

I think your interpretation of his side is entirely correct and is exactly why you need to start therapy asap to help you unravel everything, figure out what you actually want and move forward accordingly.

Your posts have been a series of contradictions; you won’t leave your husband or children but are considering blowing up their lives in pursuit of revenge; you’re in love with him and him with you but you leave every encounter feeling awful about yourself; you want to block him but you can’t.

As things stand you want a lot of things that can’t functionally coexist. Therapy will help you think it through and move forward with integrity, aligning your actions to your considered goals.

That probably won’t involve telling his wife yourself tbh, but it will let you decide what to do about your own marriage and AP. It’s okay to get divorced, even after you have children. You can do that even if AP decides to stay with his wife and never tells her. You can also stay married, with or without telling your husband about the affair. People have strong views about the rights and wrongs of doing so, but you’re the person who has to live with the consequences either way.

Exactly.

I think posters are simply telling OP not to tell as they know she wants to and it’s a kind of punishment for cheating.

I’d much rather know from a disgruntled OW because she at least would have evidence of what happened. The DH is not in the least likely to be honest.

It doesn’t matter who it comes from or why. She needs to know.

I always assume the people advocating to keep quiet are having their own affairs (or have done) and don't want to be found out.

I agree. I would want to know. I wouldn't want to be humiliated further by walking around oblivious. And I would want the chance to at least get a full set of STD tests (hopefully @Gemitf had had STD tests too because as a minimum her affair partner will have been having sex with his wife but it's possible her husband was cheating too or her affair partner has had other affairs)

She should know, of course, but OP's reason to tell her is revenge-ridden. If anything, she should be telling him to do it.

Op you are completely delusional I’m afraid. This guy does not feel a deep, meaningful connection with you as if he did, he would leave his wife. He’s throwing you breadcrumbs. What is he actually investing in you? Commitment? Financial support? A future? Attempting to open his marriage so he can have both? Emotional support? (I mean the real kind where he’s beside you when you feel like this not at home with his actual wife)

what he’s investing is the occasional naughty meet up and some text messages. You need to wake up before you throw your entire life down the toilet. Men that cause confusion are not good men and they are not good for you. Unequivocal fact.

@Version2026 really hope that two years on, you have realised that you are worth so much more than that betrayal and are living a happy life outside of your ex.

Have I hit my head? If any person on this thread commenting don’t tell anyone (including her own husband), if your spouse cheated and had an affair, would you prefer not to know? Or would you prefer to make an informed decision concerning the person you’re married too?

If this thread was written by a man they’d be eaten alive, not told to go to therapy and keep quiet and process their own shitty emotions.

I'm going to go against the grain with the general consensus in this thread. It's understandable you want revenge. You're only human. We're all flawed to one extent or another. Whether it's a good idea to go ahead with that impulse is a different matter. Only you can work through those feelings....and yes, as you know, those feelings are (understandably) selfish as it would hurt innocent children but in answer to your question about how you could let the wife know anonymously:
Type a letter (don't handwrite) and post it through their door. You could sign it off anonymously from a 'concerned friend' and say you heard this on the grapevine and didn't want her to be taken for a mug any longer.
Years ago my (now ex) boss was having a blatant office affair and I felt so angry for the (unsuspecting) wife. She's would surely have felt utterly humiliated that everyone knew apart from her. I was outraged in her behalf. I did used to think about writing her an anonymous letter and sending it to her in the post. I worked in HR at the time so had access to my boss's address. I never did send the letter in the end....I figured it was none of my business and thought karma would catch up with him in the end but it didn't stop me thinking about it occasionally!

Totally agree with both of these. Don’t ruin everyone else’s lives just because you have been rejected and are hurting.

Get some therapy for yourself to work out why you had an affair and what you need to do for your own mental health and future.

This is good advice. It sounds to me like you are heartbroken about it. Does it feel like you love him?

Don’t do any more damage just back away for now.

I would not inflict the pain on her and their simply because he has done wrong.

You might not know everything about his motivations, but you know a hell of a lot more about them, and about him, and the situation in general, than randoms on MN, so don’t listen to people saying he’s only keeping you around to keep you sweet. How could they possibly know that? However, I don’t think his motivations matter. Keeping him in your life is going to be a form of slow torture for you. It’s also going to emotionally remove you further and further away from your own partner and family. And that’s who you should be focusing on right now (whether that’s trying to fix things or making plans to separate) if you want any chance of a positive future. Hit that block button, he’s made it very clear he won’t leave his wife. What good can possibly come from continuing to see him in any capacity?

I agree with this. You only want to be honest because of guilt. You need to work out what is missing in your marriage that made this happen. Might be different if it was a ONS or something just based on sex but you clearly developed strong feelings for this man, that you probably no longer have for your husband and you need to work out why. Don't tell anyone anything yet until you have calmed down and done some counselling. And then do marriage counselling.

Do not tell the wife. Even if you do tell the wife, never do it anonymously. That causes double the pain. But don't tell.
You seem to be dangerously naive. You knowingly had an affair, but you want him to suffer. Why don't you just take your punishment, which is living with the guilt? If you tell your husband, eventually everyone will know.

Take responsibility for yourself and what you have done to the people who you are supposed to love and respect. Have counselling, sort yourself out, be a better person, learn to be a better wife, mother, neighbour. Stop thinking that the way out is just to drag other people down to your level. You have a huge amount of work to do so get on with it.

My marriage has suffered because I find it so difficult lying to his face. I’ve never cheated before and I don’t think I’m going to be able to live with the guilt if we stay together

You were ok living with the guilt and lying to his face whilst you were having the affair. Maybe your affair partner thought you'd be able to carry on your marriage ok when it was over, as he obviously is. How was he to know you'd have a sudden attack of conscience, when there was no sign of it at that time?
It's not his fault that you bit off more than you could chew. It's not his fault that you now can't handle it. You're suffering more than him, but them's the breaks when you play daft games. Leave him and her alone. As someone else has suggested, see a therapist. Don't blow up a family because you played a daft game and you don't like the result.
It actually doesn't sound like guilt, tbh. It sounds like jealousy and a desire for revenge.