I had an affair and I want my affair partner to be discovered

If I were in your shoes, and I'm so glad I'm not, I would not do anything until I'd spoken to a therapist. You said yourself, you're a mess. You need help to untangle this mess before making any rash decisions.

This is a you problem. If I was his wife I would want to know. But for someone wanting to tell me for the right reasons. Who has my best interests at heart. You would want to tell her out of spite. Which is quite disgusting. But to be honest it makes sense assuming the type of person you are, you did an awful immoral thing and now you want to hurt her.

If you need to tell your DH, do that see what happens.

If she finds out then she will need to deal with it and so will he, but to tell her to punish him now before you've even told your own DH, a big No from me. That's just bitchy behaviour - I assuming you're not one of those, right.

I say this without any judgement, as I don't know you, your circumstances or how the affair came about, but in my opinion, there are a few things you might need to consider:

1. Much like any type of romantic relationship, once it has ended, it has ended. Whoever that person ends up with is no longer anything to do with you. Whilst they may look happy on the outside, you are fully aware that he has cheated on his wife. Your affair may not have even been the first, and I suspect it likely won't be the last. He got some excitement, but he went back to what is safe and secure. He is not a good partner to his wife, and unless your only intentions and basis to be honest with the wife was purely and only to make her aware of what he has been up to because she deserves to know, then that is not fair on the wife & their children to set into motion events that would inevitably cause a ripple of pain to those who are actually the one that were wronged by this affair. From your post, it sounds more like you are hurt so you want to lash out. The wife didn't do anything wrong here. Also, if the kids all go to the same school and it gets out, then they will probably get some of the fallout should it all be exposed. Everyone's children and the potential impact on them should be everyone's first priority and consideration.
2. It really does read that you are hurting from the affair ending, which suggests that you have quite deep feelings for this man. If this is the case, then I would honestly ask the question why do you want to try to save your marriage? If you had perhaps had a one off incident, a lapse in judgement and was so overwhelmed with guilt you needed to confess immediately to be honest and try to work through to save your marriage, that might be different, but affairs are long term and intentional. Perhaps instead you need to think about why you had an affair in the first place? Marriage dynamics change over time. Sometimes, and through no ones fault, feelings can leave for a partner, and you can just fall out of love. At that point, I personally believe that it shows more love and respect for the other person and your relationship you have had to be honest, discuss whether there are any ways to try to work through, or agree amicably to end it and figure out a way to co-parent, allowing you each to go your own separate ways and to hopefully find happiness, and even that missing 'something' that made you go elsewhere in the first place.

I don't think you will need to tell her. Once you tell your husband I think he will want to hurt the other guy by telling his wife. Is he likely to punch him or anything? Weigh everything up before taking the plunge. I know someone who saved their marriage by moving away. Never told OH about affair. Least said, soonest mended, etc.

On the other hand, if you were considering telling her out of sisterhood/solidarity, you'd have a point.

I think most of us on here would want to be told. Her life isn't what she thinks it is.

I actually agree you should tell her. I wish someone had told me about my husband’s 3 year affair and was actually grateful when it all eventually came out.
The truth hurt, of course it did, but it was better than ignorance.
And yes, we had young kids.

He is using you OP..he probaby just wanted sex on the side because it was exciting. He is now keeping you sweet by pretending their is an emotional connection so you won't tell anyone. Probably more BS. Please don't tell his wife nothing is her fault. Block him and take his power away

Agreed, sad though it is. If a man was spouting the OPs story he’d be told he was practically a rapist for taking away the wife’s sexual safety and agency if he didn’t tell her.

It’s very sad that two families are going to have to work around custody thanks to a slapdash dick and the school gates bunny boiler but that’s life for you.

Yeah, I can guarantee the kids as a minimum know something isn't right. And may well be dealing with playground rumours

You disagree the innocent parties deserve to know?

Well we disagree then.

@RedToothBrush She is dressing up her desire for revenge as being in the woman's best interests when this isn't remotely her motivation.

No she’s not. OP said very clearly she wants to tell DW to expose and punish OM. Ie for revenge.

However, regardless of OP’s motivation, both his DW and her DH and deserve to know the truth.

I’d much rather be told by a vengeful OW than no-one at all.

My friend thought her DD didn't know anything as well.

She was having an affair with an instructor at DD's hobby. The session was a couple of hours and she'd stay the whole time flirting and chatting to this bloke at every opportunity.

She tried to explain it by saying two hours was a long time to leave DD alone at the hobby. DD was 17 years old! She actually thought she could do that unnoticed. Unbelievable.

I would have laughed at that if it wasn't so absolutely tragic. You can't be so dense as to think that, after a whole twelve months of this going on, somebody doesn't know or at least think they know about it. You'll have been the subject of gossip and sniggering and knowing looks behind your back. Indiscreet talk is how children pick things up and they don't keep things to themselves. But if, by some miracle they haven't found out about it that way, kids pick up on atmosphere very easily and your kids will absolutely know there's something wrong at home. I suspect your husband has his suspicions too. You said "my marriage has suffered badly as a result [of the affair]". You said "my marriage has suffered because I find it so difficult lying to his face". You mentioned that you can't look your husband in the face. All that unhappiness and tension going on around them every day for a year and you honestly believe that you haven't damaged your poor children already? Don't compound all the awful things you've done by sticking your head in the sand as well.

This.

It's the OPs desire to hurt the woman rather than enable her to make an informed decision.

It's the total lack of regard she had for all the kids and the wife and her husband too. And the continued lack of consideration for even her own children in that shed like to have a full on drama with her at the centre getting revenge rather than really thinking and centring the wellbeing of any other party.

She is dressing up her desire for revenge as being in the woman's best interests when this isn't remotely her motivation.

We see the OPs motivation here before the arguments about what the wife should or shouldn't know. And that's what's really really ugly. It's a secondary desire not only to have had the affair and shit all over the wife but to then go back and deliberately hurt her to make the OP feel better for having an affair with a shit head.

The OP is selfish and self centred even now. She isn't thinking of the wife. Or the kids.

I too am utterly, utterly astounded by the number of people advising not to tell his wife. My guess is that most of these people haven’t been cheated on.
My husband had a long affair.
I had no idea despite our marriage suffering terribly during those years he was connected to her, I put it down to the stress of his job and his high blood pressure.
We are still together, he’s making tremendous efforts but I am still regularly tormented by the length of time it carried on, if only somebody had told me sooner.
I did tell OW’s husband, but I was more shocked than he, apparently he had found out 3 years earlier and his wife had assured him she had ended the affair.
If only I’d known sooner. I was robbed of a happy marriage for those years.

His wife absolutely deserves the truth and then she can make her choices.
All this crap about dropping a bomb into her ex affair partners family, the husband has been living a double life, he’s the one who detonated the bomb when he made his choice to lie everyday and cheat on his wife and family. That double life will have already affected his family and his marriage and his poor unsuspecting wife will no doubt be questioning where she is going wrong in the marriage.

Why don’t you tell your husband first instead of worrying about the other woman.Let him make a choice if he wants to be with you .

OP don't make the mistake of thinking the ''deep, meaningful connection'' and sexting is ok. You could still be caught and lives can still be destroyed.

Get rid of him. If he wanted you, he'd be with you. Don't lower yourself further by allowing him to still benefit from you on his terms. You're being downgraded to wank fodder and confidant. If he wants to sext, let him pay a chat line instead of you servicing that need for free. If he needs emotional support, let him pay for therapy.

If you get caught, no one and I mean no one, will believe it's just texting and coffee dates. Would you believe that? Is he really worth the risk? You say you were never going to leave your husband, well if you get caught that decision will be out of your hands.

@Gemitf you sound like a scorned woman. A woman who has been dumped by another man and wants to retaliate in the most awful way possible. And once you have retaliate it and told the other woman then what do you do?
Be careful what you hope for because it can turn out quite differently than you have intended. Your children may decide to reject you and others may judge you very negatively by your retaliation.
There is a saying’ ‘Act in haste repent at leisure’.
You made a mistake, you are an adult and your own your mistake.
I have a feeling that you still want this man and you think that you’re retaliation by telling his wife will achieve that, the answer is no.

If she wanted to ensure all spouses know for that reason I would support it. But it’s not. She is simply bitter at being dumped.

The children’s lives aren’t trashed.

It’s highly unlikely that your DH won’t find out, or OM’s DW won’t find out and tell him, but even if they don’t you will get drunk and confess everything to your DH at some point. The die is already cast it’s just the reckoning hasn’t hit yet.

The two sets of children's lives were already trashed when op and her affair partner decided to hop into bed together.
It's grim to not let the spouses know they need STD tests.

It’s highly unlikely imo that given OP’s emotional state she is likely to be able to cover up a year long affair to her DH indefinitely.

Realistically if it were a ONS it might just be possible that the guilt wouldn’t eat away at her. But in these circs I think the chances are low.

Moreover, every woman on this thread would want to know if their DP was cheating, DH does have the right to know.

The damage to the children has already been done. The shit just hasn’t hit the fan yet.

Ignore my question. You answer it here. Really this all goes back to you wanting revenge because he ended things with you.

Stop. Seek therapy. Work on your own marriage. Block this man and move on. Don’t blow up two sets of children’s lives because you are angry you were dumped