I had an affair and I want my affair partner to be discovered

JUST LET GO
You want it to go on and he doesn't. I'm not convinced by you saying he wants to keep the emotional side, I think he's still trying to let you down gently and avoid you telling his wife. I suspect that he wasn't the instigator of your affair, and that you've been the one keeping it going.

In alot of your replies you are mentioning you dont want to lose him. You haven't actually mentioned how you feel about your own husband? You cant have your cake and eat it, you are going to blow up 2 families no matter what you do here as the truth always comes out somehow.
The other man isnt kind, loving and ready to set up happily families with you, he is a liar and a cheat and telling you what he thinks you want to hear.

@Gemitf also needs to avoid unprotected sex with her DH until she has told him and they have both had STD tests.

I haven’t read the thread fully, but I agree with one of the first posters, you need to get therapy before taking any action. You need to cut ties with the OM as it’s just prolonging all these feelings and it isn’t going to go anywhere. If you really love your DH and want to stay with him, start seeing a therapist and work through everything you’re feeling and experiencing and maybe you can save your marriage (if you want to). I am not condoning your behaviour in any way, I don’t agree with anything you have done, but you’re in this situation now and this might be the best way to work through it without anyone getting hurt.

Sexting, proclaiming love for another person, sending deeply emotional messages... its still.an affair! An emotional affair! But seems like the 2 of ye are happy to live with the guilt of that.

OMG @Gemitf you are obviously only looking for people to tell you how he is terrible and its so unfair hes got away with it etc. Fact is you both did it but hes less bothered, hes keeping you on the line in case you blab (which no doubt you'll do next time your pissed) or he fancies his leg over again - newsflash most men csn seperate sex from emotion so might just be doing this because he can. Open your eyes and deal with yourself - i speak from the experience of being the cheated partner that you've already caused a world of harm - dont make it worse. Unless you ultimately want him to be with you and you need him pushed in to your arms (which is very unlikely anyway) then think what it would be like to drop a bomb in your life, to lose family and friends because that's what will happen. Do one decent thing here

You are feeling bad so want others to feel bad too?
do you generally feel like this if you have a cold, and feel rotten, and want to share it?
why make others feel bad for your decision?
if he’s getting on with life and not worried, then that’s his decision.
your decision is whether you feel bad, telling people isn’t going to make you feel better, you’ll feel worse and will have upset a lot of people in the process!
it’s in you if you want to stay in your marriage, just as it was on you to have a fling.

I don't think that's true. You might want it to be true but it isn't. The children have no idea and neither does her husband. Let that remain the case. I think her current emotional turmoil is punishment in itself. Everyone involved in this situation just needs to move on and you really must have no further contact with this man for your own mental health. It's shit but it could be worse right? You still have your marriage your kids your house your job. Just be grateful for what you have, quietly admit to yourself your mistake and find fulfillment in other areas. Maybe your marriage is not meant to last but there are far better ways to end it that cause much less pain.

the minute you shagged another man and cheated on their dad was the minute the damage was caused to the children. You didn’t think of them once and you know if this comes out or continues you are damaging them further without a care in the world. Your talking about exposing it to the man’s partner because you’re extremely sore and scorned but again haven’t thought about the children’s lives just your own selfishly

It is actually revolting of this man to be bombarding you with emotional rubbish when he’s finished with you physically and is going home to play happy families with his wife and kids. I know it’s tough but for god’s sake just tell him it’s over, block him and concentrate on your own marriage. This man only has deep feelings for himself.

Block him

If your husband doesn’t know and you want to stay married there’s no point telling him. Telling the ex-lover’s wife will only make you feel worse. Leave the rest up to karma.

Hes love bombing you! Its an emotional manipulation tactic where a man overwhelms you with excessive affection, flattery to quickly build dependency and gain control. While it feels like genuine romance at first to you, love bombing usually shifts once you feels secure. The affectionate behavior often stops, replaced by criticism, emotional control, or a cycle of abuse where love bombing is used again to pull you back. When someone pulls away physically or emotionally but continues to say "I love you" and "I think of you often," it creates a painful disconnect between their words and their actions. This mixed signal usually stems from one of a few common psychological or situational dynamics. Sometimes called "breadcrumbing," sending affectionate texts keeps you emotionally hooked and available without the person having to commit. Hes trying to keep you on the back burner for the next time the Mrs dosent put out for him! Your just an easy option. Protect Your Well-being! Pay attention to what hes actually done, not just what he says. Words are just low-effort. You know hes not a good man. Hes dishonest, a liar and a cheat! Hes not going to choose to leave her and make a life with you - hes already proved this. And you dont want him - you'd never trust that he wouldnt cheat on you. Take your power back by being the one to end it once and for all. Block him and delete all texts, photos and phone logs etc on all your devices. It was fun till it wasnt. Now push it away and forget it. Regarding the Mrs just feel sorry for her when you see her - fancy having to live with that but its not you're place to tell her and wont be welcomed. She'll eventually find out, when it happens with the next one - because as he proved he cant keep it in his pants and loves to control other women - he will find another housewife. I would also say get tested for stds as your probably not his 1st. If you still want your husband then id say dont tell him anything. Honesty isnt the best answer. What he dosent know won't hurt him - the truth will end your family

To avoid all of this she should have kept her legs shut.

I strongly agree. They make their partner's life miserable to justify their affair. The mental injury is real and character destroying.

This!

“Telling your husband will only achieve unhappiness for everyone concerned.”

I’d have had more respect for my husband if he’d have confessed to having an affair rather than having to find out myself.
There’s also a lot of research to suggest that a marriage has a better chance of long term reconciliation where their partner confessed rather than being caught out. It also eliminates that question “are they sorry they had the affair or are they sorry they got caught”

Both partners HAVE most certainly been hurt.
Please don’t think that while the husband is living his most exciting thrilling fantasy life shagging his AP, he will also be living his best ever married life.
Chances are he is regularly picking fault with his wife and creating ridiculous arguments to prove that his wife is the problem in the marriage to enable himself to justify him having the affair.

His wife meanwhile will be at her wits end and questioning herself, she won’t be suspecting her beloved husband of having an affair because ….
he absolutely isn’t the type.

At the moment you are hurting and angry but please stop and think. Telling your husband/his wife will only achieve unhappiness for everyone concerned. You need to stop and think about the children involved and the effect a divorce would have on them. Anyone in your situation would understand how you are feeling is difficult, but it will pass. Everything will get easier. Why destroy everyone's happiness because you made a mistake?

Absolutely agree. At the moment you are hurting and angry but please stop and think. Telling your husband will only achieve unhappiness for everyone concerned. You need to stop and think about your children and the effect a divorce would have on them. Anyone in your situation would understand how you are feeling is difficult, but it will pass. Everything will get easier. Why destroy everyone's happiness because you made a mistake?

You are not a nice person.

“Op’s desire to hurt, lack of regard for all kids and her husband, lack of consideration for her own kids and want for drama and revenge”
Focussing on OP’s motivation to tell his wife as being ugly. OP being selfish and self centered.
That all may well be very correct.
HOWEVER
whatever the motivation and the wrongs of having an affair (the utter, utter, utter wrongs), his wife ABSOLUTELY deserves the truth.

The man is playing you like a fiddle OP. He's had what he wants. He's probably got someone else lined up. Staying friends is just his way of keeping you sweet. You want to tell his wife purely to get back at him. Block him, ignore him, leave his wife alone and go away and take a very long look at what go you to the point of shagging him in the first place. Focus on your family.

You’re probably not the first, and likely won’t be the last women he cheats with. Just let the cards fall where they may without saying anything to her. Maybe you need to move schools.