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I had an affair and I want my affair partner to be discovered

680 replies

Gemitf · 30/08/2026 15:47

Had an affair with a married man who has young children. I’m also married with young children.

Since it ended recently, he has gone back to his wife and kids and is living happily like nothing ever happened. I know his wife to say hi to as our kids are at the same school. Everytime I see her it kills me. I can’t bear knowing that he has ‘got away with it’ and hasn’t taken any accountability for his actions.

These feelings are made worse by the fact that my marriage has suffered so badly as a result. I haven’t yet told my husband, but I know I am going to have to if I want any chance of saving the marriage. I can’t continue living dishonestly for the rest of our lives. I assume he will (rightly) want to divorce me. Everything inside me wants to tell my affair partner’s wife what has happened so that he can experience the pain I am experiencing. The bitterness I am feeling is so strong. I want him to be exposed. Should I tell her?

OP posts:
Gemitf · 04/09/2026 13:51

In my heart I feel the only way to have any chance of coming through this is by telling my husband everything.
But doing that will implode not only our children’s lives but his children’s lives too.
Stuck between a rock and a hard place - the bitterness in me makes me want him to suffer, and he’s currently on a nice, wholesome ‘family day out’ with his wife and kids which infuriates me. It infuriates me that he can do that, and that he can function in his family life, whereas I can’t in mine because the whole situation is eating me alive.

OP posts:
eminthebigsmoke · 04/09/2026 13:42

Gemitf · 04/09/2026 12:53

I don’t want him to leave his family and I don’t want to leave mine either. But cutting him totally out of my life feels impossible at this point after everything we’ve been through

It feels impossible because you're addicted to the dopamine, and that is fuelled by the secrecy / chaos / attraction / uncertainty. It will only stop if you go no contact with the true aim of helping yourself to get over him, heal and focus on your family. (i.e. not as a means to show him what he's missing)

You will miss him and it will hurt but it is the only thing that is going to work.

Buffs · 04/09/2026 13:36

Put your children first, keep your marriage together (even if that means not telling your husband and swallowing all the guilt yourself) and absolutely cut this man cleanly and completely out of your life.

Holeymoley28 · 04/09/2026 13:33

You really don’t get to just be friends with your affair partner. It will all come crashing down.

He still wants to be friends in secret. Because it would look dodgy otherwise in the open and it would because it is.

You’d be making your husband and his wife even more of a laughing stock if/when the truth comes out.

MsPrufrockk · 04/09/2026 13:30

Gemitf · 04/09/2026 12:53

I don’t want him to leave his family and I don’t want to leave mine either. But cutting him totally out of my life feels impossible at this point after everything we’ve been through

You need to examine why it feels impossible, because it absolutely isn't impossible. If you truly want to stay with your family, you'd be able to do it. So you're either lying to yourself or lying in your posts here.

supersop60 · 04/09/2026 13:22

If you continue to meet up in secret, it is still cheating.
You are both making your partners live a lie.
Just stop.

Agapornis · 04/09/2026 13:12

I’m trying to think of the best way to respond.

"Fuck off" would cover it.

IdaGlossop · 04/09/2026 13:08

Gemitf · 04/09/2026 12:58

We’ve been clear that there won’t be any cheating moving forwards, either physical or emotional. If we go for coffee or whatever, I’d like to think that we can be open about that rather than continuing to hide it. That way, he stays in my life whilst also putting an end to the chaos. I don’t know, I’m probably being delusional.

You are being delusional. You will always have the guilt. Seeing him will keep it topped up, because of what happened in the past. People will see you together and may gossip. You will be having an emotional affair because you can't change the past. Your body language could give away the fact that there has been more to your relationship than friendship. All of this puts your marriage at risk.

Typo

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 04/09/2026 13:06

Gemitf · 04/09/2026 12:58

We’ve been clear that there won’t be any cheating moving forwards, either physical or emotional. If we go for coffee or whatever, I’d like to think that we can be open about that rather than continuing to hide it. That way, he stays in my life whilst also putting an end to the chaos. I don’t know, I’m probably being delusional.

Of course it would still be cheating.

Unless you're going to announce openly to your DH that you're going for coffee with your former fuckbuddy, then you're still deceiving him and you're carrying on with the emotional affair.

Sure, if you tell your DH that you cheated and he is fine with you going for coffee with your former affair partner, that would be different. But that isn't what you're planning to do, is it?

If you have any respect for your marriage at all, you will not have any further contact with this man. But I don't actually think you give a shit about your marriage.

Laura95167 · 04/09/2026 13:04

Gemitf · 04/09/2026 12:58

We’ve been clear that there won’t be any cheating moving forwards, either physical or emotional. If we go for coffee or whatever, I’d like to think that we can be open about that rather than continuing to hide it. That way, he stays in my life whilst also putting an end to the chaos. I don’t know, I’m probably being delusional.

If hes having sneaky "private and confidential" meet ups with you, a woman hes fucked behind his wife's back, its cheating

If hes meeting you for a coffee or whatever in an open way, when youve talked about feelings and know how he tastes, its cheating

You can have him in your life OR you can end the chaos.

You cant have both. Pick one.

21stNightOfSeptember · 04/09/2026 12:59

Gemitf · 04/09/2026 12:53

I don’t want him to leave his family and I don’t want to leave mine either. But cutting him totally out of my life feels impossible at this point after everything we’ve been through

But you need to cut him off. Forever.

Nothing good will come out of you two being “friends”. The physical affair will start again or you will go clinically insane because you’re in love with a guy you can’t have who doesn’t even love you back.

This is why you need therapy.

So grow the fuck up now and show some respect to your partner and family.

Laura95167 · 04/09/2026 12:58

Gemitf · 04/09/2026 12:40

This is where we are at.

I haven’t told anyone, nor do I intend to, because at this point it would be acting out of spite and bitterness.

He is very clear that he doesn’t want us to cross the line physically ever again, because he can’t live with the guilt that it causes him.

He does want to keep hanging out and suggested meeting up next week. I said it doesn’t need to be a secret anymore if we are just meeting up as friends and not doing anything wrong. I said I’d like to be open with people about the fact we are friends, rather than continuing to hide it.

He is very against this and wants our meetings to remain ‘private and confidential.’ His reasoning is that doing otherwise will make people ask questions and it isn’t worth the hassle that will cause.

I’m trying to think of the best way to respond.

Edited

You know hes doing this because hes still ok lying to his wife. And this way when you cross the line, because you would its your fault for seducing him..

He wants to keep using you.

You arent his friend

Is this dishonest manipulative pig worth gambling your marriage for?

Gemitf · 04/09/2026 12:58

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 04/09/2026 12:56

It isn't impossible at all. You just want to carry on cheating on your husband. Emotionally, even if you can no longer do it physically.

We’ve been clear that there won’t be any cheating moving forwards, either physical or emotional. If we go for coffee or whatever, I’d like to think that we can be open about that rather than continuing to hide it. That way, he stays in my life whilst also putting an end to the chaos. I don’t know, I’m probably being delusional.

OP posts:
Laura95167 · 04/09/2026 12:56

Gemitf · 04/09/2026 12:40

This is where we are at.

I haven’t told anyone, nor do I intend to, because at this point it would be acting out of spite and bitterness.

He is very clear that he doesn’t want us to cross the line physically ever again, because he can’t live with the guilt that it causes him.

He does want to keep hanging out and suggested meeting up next week. I said it doesn’t need to be a secret anymore if we are just meeting up as friends and not doing anything wrong. I said I’d like to be open with people about the fact we are friends, rather than continuing to hide it.

He is very against this and wants our meetings to remain ‘private and confidential.’ His reasoning is that doing otherwise will make people ask questions and it isn’t worth the hassle that will cause.

I’m trying to think of the best way to respond.

Edited

Say to him you dont want to be anyones dirty little secret anymore.

That the guilt of hiding things from your family is yoo much and you dont want to ever cross a line with secret meetings, because you cant live with the guilt it causes you

You want all meetings with friends to be public and causal. Your reasoning being the questions people will ask about your vagueness and secretive news will make people ask questions so youd have to avoid cafes and restaurants and only meet in car parks or wooded areas and its just not worth the hassle

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 04/09/2026 12:56

Gemitf · 04/09/2026 12:53

I don’t want him to leave his family and I don’t want to leave mine either. But cutting him totally out of my life feels impossible at this point after everything we’ve been through

It isn't impossible at all. You just want to carry on cheating on your husband. Emotionally, even if you can no longer do it physically.

Topjoe19 · 04/09/2026 12:55

What nonsense. You won't even do that for your kids sake? The only option here is to block and not see him surely you can see that?

Gemitf · 04/09/2026 12:53

Version2026 · 04/09/2026 12:51

This 100% @Gemitf is in deep - hook like and sinker and is holding on to what she can. My mantra will always be if they were gonna leave then they'd have done it by now. At this point you deserve no less than you're setting yourself up for

I don’t want him to leave his family and I don’t want to leave mine either. But cutting him totally out of my life feels impossible at this point after everything we’ve been through

OP posts:
Version2026 · 04/09/2026 12:51

This 100% @Gemitf is in deep - hook like and sinker and is holding on to what she can. My mantra will always be if they were gonna leave then they'd have done it by now. At this point you deserve no less than you're setting yourself up for

Version2026 · 04/09/2026 12:51

21stNightOfSeptember · 04/09/2026 12:47

He does want to keep hanging out and suggested meeting up next week. I said it doesn’t need to be a secret anymore if we are just meeting up as friends and not doing anything wrong. I said I’d like to be open with people about the fact we are friends, rather than continuing to hide it.

You’re not friends.

You’re never going to be friends.

You’re in love with him and the only way for this all to end and for you to move on is if you totally block him forever.

I know at this moment in time that might sound impossible. But you’re just torturing yourself the more you allow him to get into your head. You need to rip the bandaid off.

He is a disgusting cheating scumbag. As are you.

So the only way you can move forward is by removing him permanently from your life and getting some extensive therapy.

This 100% @Gemitf is in deep - hook like and sinker and is holding on to what she can. My mantra will always be if they were gonna leave then they'd have done it by now. At this point you deserve no less than you're setting yourself up for

Version2026 · 04/09/2026 12:48

Gemitf · 04/09/2026 12:40

This is where we are at.

I haven’t told anyone, nor do I intend to, because at this point it would be acting out of spite and bitterness.

He is very clear that he doesn’t want us to cross the line physically ever again, because he can’t live with the guilt that it causes him.

He does want to keep hanging out and suggested meeting up next week. I said it doesn’t need to be a secret anymore if we are just meeting up as friends and not doing anything wrong. I said I’d like to be open with people about the fact we are friends, rather than continuing to hide it.

He is very against this and wants our meetings to remain ‘private and confidential.’ His reasoning is that doing otherwise will make people ask questions and it isn’t worth the hassle that will cause.

I’m trying to think of the best way to respond.

Edited

Seriously - you want to meet him openly as friends - this is a guy youve been conducting a secret sexual and emotional affair with. Aye good luck with that it will really help you move on - honestly off you go ....

21stNightOfSeptember · 04/09/2026 12:47

He does want to keep hanging out and suggested meeting up next week. I said it doesn’t need to be a secret anymore if we are just meeting up as friends and not doing anything wrong. I said I’d like to be open with people about the fact we are friends, rather than continuing to hide it.

You’re not friends.

You’re never going to be friends.

You’re in love with him and the only way for this all to end and for you to move on is if you totally block him forever.

I know at this moment in time that might sound impossible. But you’re just torturing yourself the more you allow him to get into your head. You need to rip the bandaid off.

He is a disgusting cheating scumbag. As are you.

So the only way you can move forward is by removing him permanently from your life and getting some extensive therapy.

Bunny65 · 04/09/2026 12:46

Gemitf · 04/09/2026 12:40

This is where we are at.

I haven’t told anyone, nor do I intend to, because at this point it would be acting out of spite and bitterness.

He is very clear that he doesn’t want us to cross the line physically ever again, because he can’t live with the guilt that it causes him.

He does want to keep hanging out and suggested meeting up next week. I said it doesn’t need to be a secret anymore if we are just meeting up as friends and not doing anything wrong. I said I’d like to be open with people about the fact we are friends, rather than continuing to hide it.

He is very against this and wants our meetings to remain ‘private and confidential.’ His reasoning is that doing otherwise will make people ask questions and it isn’t worth the hassle that will cause.

I’m trying to think of the best way to respond.

Edited

The best way to respond is to block him and end it

YourOliveBalonz · 04/09/2026 12:44

Gemitf · 04/09/2026 12:40

This is where we are at.

I haven’t told anyone, nor do I intend to, because at this point it would be acting out of spite and bitterness.

He is very clear that he doesn’t want us to cross the line physically ever again, because he can’t live with the guilt that it causes him.

He does want to keep hanging out and suggested meeting up next week. I said it doesn’t need to be a secret anymore if we are just meeting up as friends and not doing anything wrong. I said I’d like to be open with people about the fact we are friends, rather than continuing to hide it.

He is very against this and wants our meetings to remain ‘private and confidential.’ His reasoning is that doing otherwise will make people ask questions and it isn’t worth the hassle that will cause.

I’m trying to think of the best way to respond.

Edited

You could threaten that you want to tell everyone the whole thing, even if you don’t mean it. He might be less willing to meet up then!

I would strongly advise you to take back some control - it will make it easier for you once you’ve done the hard bit - and say that doesn’t work for you and you think it’s best you don’t see each other. Block him. Then you concentrate on moving on (which you won’t be able to do while seeing him). It will then be on your own terms which will help you I promise.

Gemitf · 04/09/2026 12:40

Tigerthebreadroll · 04/09/2026 09:29

OP what have u decided to do? Are you blocking him? Is he still sending essays ? He wants the door open ... u need to realise this

This is where we are at.

I haven’t told anyone, nor do I intend to, because at this point it would be acting out of spite and bitterness.

He is very clear that he doesn’t want us to cross the line physically ever again, because he can’t live with the guilt that it causes him.

He does want to keep hanging out and suggested meeting up next week. I said it doesn’t need to be a secret anymore if we are just meeting up as friends and not doing anything wrong. I said I’d like to be open with people about the fact we are friends, rather than continuing to hide it.

He is very against this and wants our meetings to remain ‘private and confidential.’ His reasoning is that doing otherwise will make people ask questions and it isn’t worth the hassle that will cause.

I’m trying to think of the best way to respond.

OP posts:
Tigerthebreadroll · 04/09/2026 09:29

OP what have u decided to do? Are you blocking him? Is he still sending essays ? He wants the door open ... u need to realise this