I had an affair and I want my affair partner to be discovered

So NOW you care about the wife's feelings? Not when you were sleeping with her husband? Honestly OP, you only want her to know because you got dumped and he loves and wants her not you. Don't act like your being the better person here.

I wonder how many women he tells are special while keeping them on the hook?

But I do agree with others that it will end your marriage but possibly not his.

The fact that you don’t even have any consideration for the children who it appears all go to the same school is wild! You both sound selfish and toxic. This is never going to work out so get over and move on.

Own your part in this mess. Focus on fixing your marraige if possible, walk away if it isn't. Maybe your DH (if you tell him) will tell others and wife will find out that way, but telling her our of spite because he has apparently come out unscathed, would be nasty.

You are not doing this to help her, and this will not help her, you are doing this to punish him.

The fallout will be her and her children’s lives, why would you do that to someone? Ignorance is bliss, no doubt he will act like this again, and his behaviour will come out then, but it is not for you to expose. It is not up to you to act morally superior to him either. This is the epitome of misery loves company. Your version of accountability is to ruin her life. Just, no.

Why is your idea of morality and justice so childish?
If you cannot confess your own dreadful behaviour to your misfortunate husband until you are satisfied that your AP will definitely go through Hell (along with the anguish his wife and children will experience, thanks to your false conscience), then you aren’t feeling any guilt or need for unburdening in the first place.
(Could you give your DH a message? It’s in code: LTB, sir.)

I’d be surprised if you are ever given to pangs of conscience when explaining to yourself why some singularly selfish act is in fact extreme self-sacrifice.

Please sit back, let your immediate high emotion and thoughts of revenge settle and decide what to do in a week's time. Rushing into a decision that will affect both families, your friends and others in your sphere, could and will be truly devastating. You need to reflect on the repercussions of your decision and, importantly, never do this again. Above all, your nor your AF's children deserve this.

This. I think I'm struggling to believe this now, to be honest.

Something doesn't sit right with this story. Wanting to expose an ex lover and destroy his family because he dumped you, then he wants to continue with an emotional affair. You say he didn't feel any guilt, then if was the reason he stopped the relationship. You also NEVER mention your children. If this is true, don't deliberately hurt another woman, your husband and two sets of children because you feel scorned. You decided to have an affair, live with it.

I don't think OP fully realizes that this kind of affair involves mutually assured destruction. There is no way to just destroy one person in letting the secret out.

End it, block him and get help if you want to save your marriage. But honestly, I think there's an element of self destruction here that OP is not aware of.

If you were my spouse I'd be dumping you and letting others know what a pair of slags my wife and her affair partner were.
Poor kids in the fall out of selfish adults who can't keep their underwear on.

You need to delete him off every phone list, profile, social media account and avoid as much as possible.

Maybe get some therapy to help with your feelings.

Have some self respect and walk away from the whole thing.

But I thought that was what you wanted, @Gemitf? To destroy her marriage/family too…

That man is an absolute prize shit. Tell him unless he leaves you alone, no friendship meet ups, no whatsapp essays, you'll tell his wife.
And don't tell your husband, why fuck your life up when the affair is finished? Just feel the guilt and put it behind you.

That is a truly disgusting thing to suggest. Grow up, tell your husband the truth or don't, but stop the affair for the love of god. Emotional affairs are just as bad as physical.

She might be fully aware of what you and her husband have been up to. How do you actually know she is oblivious?

Go to counselling. Your motives are not genuine. You want his life destroyed and are more than happy to do it through destroying his wife and children’s lives to achieve it.

What should you say to him?

No - absolutely fucking not!

I'm in a minority on here because I don't thinking making a monumental fuck up necessarily makes you the devil incarnate, but for Gods sake exercise some common sense and dignity.

You have an opportunity to exercise damage limitation measures here by walking away and concentrating on fixing your own marriage as that's what you seem to want.

On no planet in the universe is that going to be helped by staying in touch with this bloke who has made his choice and is clearly trying to keep you on the back burner for his own benefit.

Would you say that to a man with kids that admitted to an affair on here? I very much doubt it.

You want to end his marriage so he'll fall into your arms.

I can’t bear knowing that he has ‘got away with it’ and hasn’t taken any accountability for his actions

What about YOUR accountability for what's happened? You're not little Miss Innocent in all this...

Tell your husband first. Anonymously is worse. Own your mistake and tell your husband. You have focused on the other parties marriage before your own.

An excellent idea. Great for your marriage. Marvellous for your children. Really helpful for the wronged wife. No risk at all that other parents from your children's school will see you together and draw correct conclusions. Not the remotest possible risk that you would end up in bed together. Shit on your own doorstep. Why not?