I had an affair and I want my affair partner to be discovered

Remember when you was a teenager flirting with boys doing pick me dances and then pushing them away to pull them back in. Getting jealous when another girl showed interest even though you don’t actually want him but you don’t want someone else to have him so you’ve got to mark your territory.

This is you and him right now. It’s not love. It’s a fun little game where your toying with each others emotions so feel desired. Only this like you can add the taboo that it was and is an affair. But neither of you want the other person just the exiting adrenaline from it. The thrill the fanny flutters than someone but your husband finds you sexy.

It will explode if she keeps on because the husband will find out one way or another.

OP, you are being ridiculous now. Virtually every word you have written on here belies your claim that you are happy to cut all contact. You are tying yourself in knots to maintain contact, in the face of the overwhelming advice to block him. You could have done that multiple times over since you began this thread.

Instead, you are tormenting yourself with thoughts of his family day out. If you had blocked him, you wouldn't have known about it.

In this matter, you are a free agent. It looks like you have made your choice: stay, suffer and sit on a time-bomb that could explode two families at any second.

Yes 1. For control. Your agreement to keep quiet might change if your own marriage fails or you move on from him. 2. For attention. Its nice for him to know he turns you on, that you want him, miss him, feel jealous...

Amd youre playing too "I’ve already told him I’m happy for us to cut all contact" youre baiting him.. to say oh no please dont let me lose you.. please stay in touch.. blah blah.. youre setting the stage for his monologue and smug youre getting it.

Of course you wont and cant be friends. If you mean what youve said just block him. Move on.

He doesn’t want to be open about it. He wants to keep you dangling. You aren’t friends. He’s a pathetic individual who hasn’t even got the decency to stop toying with your feelings.

You are so delusional. He is keeping you as happy as he can, so you dont blow his life up. He had his fun with you and now he wants out. I highly doubt you have hidden from him how much you like him. So he will definitely be aware that you can easily tell his wife .
Plus you keep obsessing over him when really you need to focus on your own poor family.

This - you should have thought of the consequences before you started the affair

OP you seem very angry that he chose his wife over you. You want to "out" his secret to destroy his relationship.

For your own sanity I think you need to just assume she already knows (she might well do - it explains him not wanting a public friendship) and that she has decided to stay with him so they can rework on their marriage.

You seem so consumed by him that you're not even considering your husband or your own kids. I think you need to block and detach before you even decide what to do next.

In my heart I feel the only way to have any chance of coming through this is by telling my husband everything.

Good lord, you're selfish and self-indulgent. Grow up.

You cheated on your husband and now the only way YOU can feel better is to tell your husband and make him wretched,

Your punishment for your immorality & bad faith is to keep this sordid affair a secret, and NEVER burden your husband with it.

Go cold turkey. Block him.

Do not let him manipulate you like a puppet on a string

Meetings hidden away, is asking for trouble. He is wanting his thrill talking about the past with you, which you could say although not physically he will be thinking of the motions mentally keeping the affair alive for him.

I’m trying to think of the best way to respond.

Never see or talk with him again. It's the only way.

You are not a victim.
Stop trying to change the narrative.
You are a willing participant in an adulterous and ongoing affair.
You seem to be confusing 'guilt' with excitement and enjoying the drama.
You and you alone will break the hearts of your husband and the secure home of your children.

With all this nonsense, you are delaying the inevitable.

I see two options here: the more expensive one is therapy. The simpler one is to just grow up.

Yes you really do need therapy OP. Sharpish.

You’ll never get “revenge”. No one will win in this situation. You have no idea if his wife would even leave him if you told her. She could well stay with him. And then what?

The only thing that will make you feel better (in the long run) is by cutting him off and moving on.

You will stop “feeling this way” when you stop the contact. You are letting him rule your emotions. Why?

Use your energy and emotions on bettering yourself.

''Cutting it off completely feels impossible after everything we've been through" .

What is this "everything" @Gemitf ?

Is it childbirth? Family bereavement? A very sick child? Financial crisis?

Or is it shagging each other in secret, trying not to get found out, thinking up excuses for another shag session, worrying that one of your poor lied-to spouses suspects something?

It's hardly Shakespeare, is it.

And you're not Romeo and Juliet.

Continuing any kind of relationship with him is still cheating, because of what you've already done with him. And because you will be seeking some kind of emotional fulfillment from him that you should be looking for from your DH.

You have two choices - tell your DH, and blow up your kids' lives, and probably your AP's wife's and kids' lives too.

Or don't tell him, end it completely with your fuck-buddy, and work hard at making a success of your marriage.

I think I know which one you'll pick...

Then do what I suggested, get some therapy.

Honestly op it’s simple.

You tell him to leave you alone and to never contact you again. You tell him if he breaks those rules you’ll spill the beans. Then you block him.

Your mad his on a family day with his wife and children listen to yourself. Because of a situation you half created.

What does it tell you about this man?

While youre actually debating honesty becauae your DH deserves it, AP is out with his family and fine. And you think he cares about anyone but himself?

Ignore him, block him, let him go. And honestly id live with your guilt and invest in your marriage

I’m sorry as I can see how hard this whole thing is for you, but you are being delusional. You can’t go from all this high emotion to friends who meet for a coffee and a natter. Only he benefits from this set up. For you it will tortuous.

Keep telling yourself that, sweetheart, maybe some day you'll actually believe yourself. Because no one here believes you.

You know as well as I do that this will never be an 'innocent' friendship. You (and he) will still be turning outside your marriages to find something that you should be finding inside your marriages. And that means that both of you are still cheating, if only emotionally. The fact that you want to keep each other in your lives shows that you are still emotionally attached to each other. Even if all you do is have coffee 'or whatever' and discuss the weather you will still be getting something from each other that you should be finding in your spouses.

So instead, why don't you take that emotional 'coin' and spend it on your husband? I assume he's a good man. I'm sure he has his faults but don't we all? Instead of 'having coffee or whatever' with your OM, why don't ask your husband to have coffee with you? Meet him for a walk in the park? Try to find within yourself that bond that should be between the two of you? It had to have been there at some point.

And if you can't do what I've suggested, then he is better off without you. If you can't or don't want to spend that emotional coin on him, then let him go so he can find a woman who can love him honestly and faithfully for who he is. You owe him at least that much. But FGS if you do decide to do that, don't unburden yourself and place that burden on his shoulders. He doesn't deserve that.

Leave the OM and his wife to get on with their lives. You don't know what he's told her or what she knows. She may very well know and decided that she wants to keep the marriage despite his cheating. It would certainly explain why he doesn't want a 'public friendship'.

I don't know what he's told you about the state of his marriage, but whatever it is you can't believe him. He's obviously a consummate liar. Deal with your own shit pile. Leave him alone to manage his.

And FGS, get some therapy. You need it.

Block and move on!!

You should have thought about the impact on your family life before starting the affair.

Now, it just sounds like you're jealous of this man spending time with his wife and you want to punish him for dumping you. Even if that means blowing up your own life, and the lives of your children, in the process.

Get some therapy.

Why does it infuriate you that a married man is out with his wife and children? What if you blow this all up and it’s your DCs and DH who suffer, and his DW decides to forgive & forget, giving their family many more family days out, whilst your family is left blown into a million pieces. How would you feel about that outcome?