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I had an affair and I want my affair partner to be discovered

680 replies

Gemitf · 30/08/2026 15:47

Had an affair with a married man who has young children. I’m also married with young children.

Since it ended recently, he has gone back to his wife and kids and is living happily like nothing ever happened. I know his wife to say hi to as our kids are at the same school. Everytime I see her it kills me. I can’t bear knowing that he has ‘got away with it’ and hasn’t taken any accountability for his actions.

These feelings are made worse by the fact that my marriage has suffered so badly as a result. I haven’t yet told my husband, but I know I am going to have to if I want any chance of saving the marriage. I can’t continue living dishonestly for the rest of our lives. I assume he will (rightly) want to divorce me. Everything inside me wants to tell my affair partner’s wife what has happened so that he can experience the pain I am experiencing. The bitterness I am feeling is so strong. I want him to be exposed. Should I tell her?

OP posts:
Vanillaicelatte · 30/08/2026 18:28

Gemitf · 30/08/2026 16:04

Why won’t his marriage fall apart but mine will?

Women often stay if there husband has an affair even if they split later women often try to
Keep the family together

Men tend to leave there wife /partner - most men can’t forgive their wife / partner fucking another man

so while she might forgive him

your husband probably won’t forgive you

ThatMauveMaker · 30/08/2026 18:28

Don't do it. It wont make you feel any better and you risk being ousted by your family and community for being 'that' woman. This will definitely cross the school playground if you decide to go public. How about you focus on yourself, get some therapy and decide what you really want. You mustn't have been happy in your marriage to have your head turned. I might get shot down for this...but for me, if you want to stay with your Husband then tell him and work through it if you can. If you do not, then leave but keep it to yourself. But leave for youself, do not lie in wait for that melt to come back to you once his marriage finally ends.

Pinkchickenwine · 30/08/2026 18:25

NancyThompson · 30/08/2026 18:24

I think you need to make a decision. If you want to continue your marriage, cut off all contact with this other man, and don't tell your husband. The guilt will be your punishment for what you did.

Anything else is just a sorry mess.

OP is only stopping the affair because she’s been dumped! She doesn’t want her DH, he’s just better than nothing! Dreadful behaviour!

MCF86 · 30/08/2026 18:25

Gemitf · 30/08/2026 16:41

Do you think it’s entirely impossible for the two of us to continue the close friendship that he seems so keen to maintain?

He wants us to carry on meeting up for lunches and coffees. He tells me he loves me and thinks about me. I’ve said I don’t think we can just be ‘mates’ after what happened. His response was, ‘We are so much more than mates, it’s not fair to say we are just mates. What we have is special.’

The truth is I don’t want to lose him as I care about him. But is it realistic to think we could carry on the emotional connection without the physical? It all feels so fucked up. What should I say to him?

assuming your spouses wouldn't know, I'd say that still counted as cheating in this particular context anyway.

Aluna · 30/08/2026 18:25

AnonyMumAuDHD · 30/08/2026 18:23

This. There are children involved and care nothing for them at all, and the impact that throwing a hand grenade into their parents’ lives would have? Or your own, for that matter, because there would be a ricochet.

That’s pretty despicable, frankly.

I’d suggest you go and get some therapy because your children’s future well-being is hanging by a thread with such a self-centred and vindictive mother.

It’s the cheating OM who has nuked his children’s life. If it wasn’t OP it would have been someone else.

TiredCatLady · 30/08/2026 18:24

You had the affair too and now you want to blow up both your families in some sort of vindictive, got-to-have-the-final-word bullshit?

Sorry but you sound like an absolute bitch, and I seldom use that word.

NancyThompson · 30/08/2026 18:24

Gemitf · 30/08/2026 16:41

Do you think it’s entirely impossible for the two of us to continue the close friendship that he seems so keen to maintain?

He wants us to carry on meeting up for lunches and coffees. He tells me he loves me and thinks about me. I’ve said I don’t think we can just be ‘mates’ after what happened. His response was, ‘We are so much more than mates, it’s not fair to say we are just mates. What we have is special.’

The truth is I don’t want to lose him as I care about him. But is it realistic to think we could carry on the emotional connection without the physical? It all feels so fucked up. What should I say to him?

I think you need to make a decision. If you want to continue your marriage, cut off all contact with this other man, and don't tell your husband. The guilt will be your punishment for what you did.

Anything else is just a sorry mess.

HectorPlasm · 30/08/2026 18:24

BTW, no way is she getting even the measly 8% support she has if this was a man posting

Pearlstillsinging · 30/08/2026 18:24

Gemitf · 30/08/2026 15:59

Also - if I tell my husband, the risk is that he will tell her or someone who knows her, because we know a lot of the same people.

Then don't tell anyone except a counsellor. Remember the old adage "least said, soonest mended".
There must have been problems in your marriage for the affair to start, so you need to deal with those, without blowing up everyone's family life.
The fallout from telling anyone would likely be disastrous and extremely long,-lasting. You certainly wouldn't hold the moral high ground just because you confessed.

fatphalange · 30/08/2026 18:23

MN always says not to tell the other woman but I think it’s disgraceful to keep this information from her. Of course she should know! Her sexual health could be at risk (no offence to you if you’re clean- he could be fucking other people as well) and she can’t give proper consent to sex as far as I’m concerned. If she knew the truth about her husband she would probably choose NOT to sleep with him at least until working out if she wants to stay with him or not. He’s probably getting a grubby thrill out of her being none the wiser as to what he’s been up to and it needs cutting dead.

BlueFahrenheit · 30/08/2026 18:23

I do not believe this thread is real.

AnonyMumAuDHD · 30/08/2026 18:23

WearyAuldWumman · 30/08/2026 15:52

@OP To sum up: you want revenge because you're a woman scorned.

You chose to risk your marriage and you're angry because your AP hasn't chosen you.

If this is for real, you're utterly selfish.

This. There are children involved and care nothing for them at all, and the impact that throwing a hand grenade into their parents’ lives would have? Or your own, for that matter, because there would be a ricochet.

That’s pretty despicable, frankly.

I’d suggest you go and get some therapy because your children’s future well-being is hanging by a thread with such a self-centred and vindictive mother.

HectorPlasm · 30/08/2026 18:21

What a horrible person you are - rotten to the core

PoliteSquid · 30/08/2026 18:21

So OP you fucked someone’s husband around and found out?!

Why have you suddenly started being concerned about his wife?? Neither of you cared much about your spouses when the affair started!

Liesontoast · 30/08/2026 18:20

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Queenncat · 30/08/2026 18:20

Yeah sure why not op. Tell your kids as well. and hers. And the teachers and all your friends. wth not.

BlueFahrenheit · 30/08/2026 18:19

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Renamedyetagain · 30/08/2026 18:19

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MyFairLady22 · 30/08/2026 18:18

Good grief. Grow up woman. Say nothing to the woman whose husband betrayed her. That’s for him to do.

You need to concentrate on your own marriage.

What a mess.

florence1234567 · 30/08/2026 18:17

Gemitf · 30/08/2026 16:08

Revenge that he doesn’t seem to have the same guilt that I do - that he can just go back to his wife and kids and live a happy life - while I can’t look mine in the eyes.

You went into this with open eyes. You enjoyed the affair and the shagging behind the back of your husband and his wife.

Now suck it up (your regrets) and get over yourself.

His wife, his children, your husband and your children are the victims in all of this. Not you.

Grammarnut · 30/08/2026 18:16

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This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

FTMaz · 30/08/2026 18:16

What an absolutely selfish and unnecessary thing to do. You had the affair you both made a choice yet you want to ruin the life an innocent woman and her children? Vile.

Seelybee · 30/08/2026 18:13

Gemitf · 30/08/2026 16:41

Do you think it’s entirely impossible for the two of us to continue the close friendship that he seems so keen to maintain?

He wants us to carry on meeting up for lunches and coffees. He tells me he loves me and thinks about me. I’ve said I don’t think we can just be ‘mates’ after what happened. His response was, ‘We are so much more than mates, it’s not fair to say we are just mates. What we have is special.’

The truth is I don’t want to lose him as I care about him. But is it realistic to think we could carry on the emotional connection without the physical? It all feels so fucked up. What should I say to him?

@Gemitf are you mad?
You seriously need to grow up. This is cloud cuckoo land.
Block this ridiculous man. Do the right thing for your family. It's not all about you.

MorwennaIII · 30/08/2026 18:13

Tai, excluding the affair partner, you want to ruin two people’s lives because you’ve been dumped. Grow the fuck up and own your shit.

F63C · 30/08/2026 18:13

Gemitf · 30/08/2026 15:58

I know it’s selfish and vindictive of me to be thinking this way. That’s why I haven’t acted on it. I agree I’m a terrible and nasty person.

It isn’t entirely selfish, though. I do want her to know the truth for her own good too - I know that if I were in her position, I would want to be told. Is there a way I can let her know anonymously, without any horrible face to face confrontation? I don’t know.

Except.....you didn't want her to know when the affair was going on though did you so there is some more thinking to be done here.

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