I had an affair and I want my affair partner to be discovered

I see - he did not leave her for you, as you expected, so now you will organise a shit storm?

Of course you should not tell her.

And neither should you have any truck with the horrible suggestion to tell her anonymously - that has all the vengeance, jealousy etc but none of the courage so your moral score drops even lower.

Show yourself that you have some moral fibre left. Say No to the coffees the lunches, bock him on every communication.

Focus on your marriage, find respect for your DH.

And thus avoid things being even worse at the school gate. Can you imagine how things will be at school if all this comes out? She might have as few moral boundaries as you and slap you in front of your kids. Or at the very least tell everyone else connected with the school.

Imagine that!

Also because of good old sexism.

You’ll be the whore the homewrecker.

If they stay together you’ll of been the temptress throwing her sleazy self at him till he just gave in the poor poor man with no control over his penis obviously.

Then he was only saying nice things so you didn’t spill the beans. He was just trying to protect his family after your crazy woman sexual throwing your self at him stuff. as proven by him trying to row it back to no sex just friends please.

The mums won’t talk to you other than to find the gossip. Their partners definitely won’t be allowed to talk to you.

Playdates will dry up for your children because who wants to open the door for the homewrecker getting close to their family.

It will certainly entertain the staff room though.

Probably best she does finish with the poor man then if she's not genuinely wanting to commit to making it work. Which you're right, it doesn't sound like if she's still scheming to keep affair guy in her life.

Yep. It just becomes an emotional affair, still involving secrecy and lying.
OP, apart from anything else, how do you know he’s gone back to a happy family?
I bet his wife knows something is up.
Sort out your own relationship first, whatever that looks like.

So he wants to be friends but wants to only fuck his wife. Sounds like he prefers sex with her so I’d leave them to it. I’m sure the truth will come out one day.

Your husband deserves to know though if you are genuinely sorry for what you’ve done.

You did a bad thing and got away with it (luckily). Take it to your grave and don’t be so vindictive. The rage will soon pass and you’ll be glad you didn’t set fire to everyone’s lives.

It won’t just punish him will it? It will punish his innocent children who have done nothing to deserve it. Will that help make you feel better?

Please tell us how this is different from women having affairs? Do women tend to go for complete strangers?

Without evidence she won’t believe you. To provide evidence you have to nuke your marriage though in reality you did that the second you cheated.

You’re just on borrowed time hoping he doesn’t find out.

He doesn’t want sex with you anymore but likes his ego stroke so either the wife is suspicious so has to stop the places where you would have sex or he has a new sex partner but she’s not willing for the long rambling WhatsApp’s.

Go and get tested regardless because most men who cheat don’t just cheat with one woman.

OP, have you even considered your husband and poor children? It’s all about you and this cheating excuse of a father.

This poster is absolutely right.

If you tell his wife, you might feel gratifying revenge for about 1 second. Then reality will bite all around you and people’s lives will be blown up.

Delete all your WhatsApps to him and don’t respond to his essays.

If you tell your DH, you’ll likely blast your family apart which would be traumatic for your kids. If his wife finds out, he is more likely to get away with it.

You have done something appalling, but you do have the chance to move on and keep your family intact. You will just need to live with the guilt, but I imagine it may fade.

Why are you bitter and angry with him? You both made the same choice.

Imagine if you do this and his wife still stays with him? Except she also tells people you sleep with peoples husbands. She spreads whispers all over town and the people you know look at you with disgust.

You cannot control her reaction. Pay attention to your own side of the fence.

How can your affair partner suffering as you do possibly help you?
You are just trying to spread the pain around , you really should try to grow up- spreading the pain won't lessen yours.

The only thing worse than someone having an affair is someone having an affair and not having the guts to own up to it.

The poor H & W of the adulterous couple now face the prospect of wasting the rest of their lives being married to people who don't give a fuck about them, not to mention the potential health implications they face.

If OP had even a shred of consideration for her DH she'd tell him so he can make an informed decision about his future (same for the affair partner and his wife).

You just sound bitter because he tried to end the affair. He is probably trying to keep the emotional side going(as you put it) so he can keep you on side. He wont want you upset with him. Then he has to worry that you may tell his wife.
You are an awful person for having an affair. And so is he. I feel sorry for your husband and children .

Please do this rather than blowing up loads of lives.

I agree I’m a terrible and nasty person

Change your ways then.

No - it takes two. If she does this HER OWN children will be impacted by the fall out. You have TWO selfish adults here who care less about the children involved. And we have no idea whether he would have been with someone else if it had not been OP.

At the moment, no one knows. She should grow up and draw a line under it for the sale of her own children. This is about revenge. And is despicable.

You are wrong to want to maintain any sort of "friendship". That would be an emotional affair. And I highly question the "guilt" you claim you feel if you want to contain meeting him.

Many years ago I was the wife of your affair partner. Chances are she already knows but hasn't confronted her husband yet because she's desperately worried for her future and that of her children. Her health might be suffering, certainly her mental health, and her sleep and work will definitely be affected. One of these days she'll look at his phone and see that all of her suspicions are actually true. Hopefully she will leave the cowardly bastard and find some peace further down the line.
You and he deserve each other.

Just hold your tongue. This is going to reflect badly on you both. Shut up and repair your marriage for the sake of your children. Behave.

Men are typically lazy when it comes to affairs

it’s normally someone they work with
the family friend
the neighbor
occasionally a relative

Rarely is it a complete stranger

You don’t say why the affair started, so I’m going to go by my own experience. The only time I cheated, I was fed up of my (LDR) boyfriend refusing to discuss moving in together, because he liked living at home while I’d moved countries for him, and basically taking me for granted. I planned to end things the next time I saw my bf. But the infidelity was a symptom of a wider malaise in the relationship.

Onto your affair partner; he sounds like a manipulative shit, frankly, as he seems to want to juggle you and his wife, keeping both of you warm so that he gets to have the security of his family as well as the thrill/ego boost of knowing another woman is also yearning for him, but can’t have him because “integrity”.

Only you know whether there are issues within your marriage which made you susceptible to the AP’s charms. If there are, it might be best to split up anyway, try to keep an amicable coparenting relationship, and don’t tell your husband anything about the affair. Tell him it’s because of whatever the reasons are why you went elsewhere for whatever you got from the affair.
This path allows you to regain a little bit of your own integrity, and minimises the damage you say has been done, avoids hurting your husband.

If there aren’t issues within the marriage, then wth happened? Is the AP some kind of god? Was there force, manipulation, abuse?