I had an affair and I want my affair partner to be discovered

But he’s now dumped you and you ARE considering breaking up your family and telling his wife. He’s not totally stupid!

Telling her won’t help. It won’t change how you feel about your own life and marriage.

I am the queen of keeping secrets (not related to affairs, I have never had one) and honestly, when you do stuff like this, you have to accept that you live with the fallout alone, other than sharing with a therapist or anonymous strangers online. That’s the deal.

I love how at no point have you considered the impact on her kids, never mind yours considering they go to the same fucking school.

You just want to blow up everything because you didn't get what you wanted in the end.

Wow.

So you want to tell her before you tell your husband? What if someone knows about your affair and does the same to you? Get your own house in order and leave them be. You will not feel better for telling her, it will just engender a whole host of other difficult emotions and difficult social dynamics. If anyone should tell her out of kindness it should probably be your husband but he can't do that until he knows, can he? Get on with it and stay away from her.

Personally I would tell no one not a whisper to my best friend, sister, mum, ex lover’s wife and ESPECIALLY husband. Think of the families involved including your own children.

@Gemitf the fact that you are considering continuing an emotional affair and are only no longer having a physical one because your AP put a stop to it just goes to show how little you care for your husband. You say you’d never leave your husband and you feel so guilty but your actions say otherwise. Maybe it’s the thrill of the secret, the break from your day to day life rather than the AP himself seeing as you find interactions draining and negative. Regardless of why you’re doing this you need to come clean to your husband, what you’re doing is cruel and utterly heartless.

This isn’t some great love story or (from what you’ve said) and escape from an abusive or miserable marriage. You have been entirely selfish and not given anyone else a second thought, no matter what you try to convince yourself of.

Have some decency and tell your husband the truth, stop dithering over a man who is as much as a coward as you are, put your family first. The longer you leave this the more hurt you are causing.

Mills & Boon stuff.

I have been the unsuspecting wife in this situation.

Tell your husband and it will be out of your hands. Your husband is very likely to confront your ‘other man’.

Or maybe this is what you want, to get what you want. Blow it all up and run off into the sunset with your man.

This is what happened in my life. In fact the ‘other woman’s’ husband (and his father) were our ‘first foots’ on New Year’s Day…

OW wanted my husband, ‘she always gets what she wants’ her husband told me

One of the worst days of our lives.

Happy New Year eh?

Im abandoning this thread because this is so frustrating. OP, kindly, you’re delusional and - as a parent - on the cusp of causing irreparable damage to the vulnerable people you both bought into this world.
I urge you to get to a therapist and figure out why you’re so willing to believe this nonsense to the detriment of everything you hold dear. You are literally putting your obsession with this man ahead of your kids‘ wellbeing and happiness. Something similar happened to both me and my husband as kids. You have no idea the mess and the pain our respective parents caused - and the shadows cast decades later.

I think just do what you feel OP, it doesn’t really matter now I don’t think.

Also so what if it’s selfish— we don’t have to be perfect all the time.

Hmm. Don't pretend that you're any better than he is.

So youre kidding yourself, things change and an affair is sexy and illicit and its easy for feelings to run away because its a secret bond, and oh you love them but you cant blah blah.. and you get swept up in the fantasy and intensity.

But its breaking apart now, your desire to keep quiet is waning, even you say that in your OP and hes not an idiot. He will know he has balance to maintain.

That said I suspect he gets a decent amount of sex at home. But what he gets from this affair is adoration, love thats all sex and passion not love thats duty and commitment.

I think he wants the emotional affair because it strokes his ego. It makes him feel sexy.

But he doesnt love you.

Both innocent parties deserve the truth.

Absolute bullshit.

At least be honest with yourself @Gemitf , you wouldn’t have had the affair if you were worried about what was good for her.

Tell her if you must. But don’t kid yourself it’s for her sake.

@LilacGrass makes a good point. How can you be angry he's playing happy families with his wife, when you are doing the same and also carrying on the emotional side of this affair?

In an ideal world of course she shouldn’t be kept in the dark.

But it absolutely shouldn’t come from a vindictive, spiteful action of a jilted affair partner.

I feel like you are taking the moral high ground over him by describing how guilty you feel, but as an outsider it could well look like you’re currently continuing with your life with your family as you haven’t told your husband.

I think it will all come out in time once you’ve told your husband, and other people start to learn about it. So stop thinking about his family and focus on your own for now.

Don't be a bitch, she's the innocent one in this.

You and her husband are the adulterers - you deal with your marriage that you clearly are not interested in, and leave her adulterous husband to sort his marriage.

I'm confused why anyone would think the poor wife should be kept in the dark?

You're going to blow your children's lives up and they will know why. What have your children done to deserve the gossip and judgement on the playground? This will follow them to high school, were kids won't hold back calling you a slag and holding you responsibile for ruining the other family. Think about what this Christmas will look like, how your family are going to take it. You might even get your face put in. Wake up. Go to bloody church and confess if you have to. Anything you direct at him, is going to come back ten fold, on your children.

He’s keeping you sweet because he’s rightly scared of what crazy shit you might do if he dumps you completely

These things happen and unless you’re in it it’s hard to understand. I have just ended an affair with a married man( I didn’t know he was married for the first 7 months) and I miss him terribly so I understand the want to tell her but that’s his job really. Sometimes people fall in love with other people if there are cracks already in their present relationship, it happens and they are such heartbreaking and anxiety ridden situations which are hard to get out of. In my case I felt like I had met my person but he’s not mine to have. I’ve left him to it but I’m miserable. We’re only human and to me it means neither of you are happy in your current relationships as I know I wouldn’t even look at another man if I was happy. I’m divorced btw, and was single when I met him in a dating site.

Why is it so important that his wife finds out and his marriage is ruined but not yours? Does your husband not deserve the same respect?

He wants to keep you sweet so that you won't blab or if he feels like a shag again . Wise up!