I had an affair and I want my affair partner to be discovered

This is the best straight talking advice.

You don't have to blow up everyone's lives just because you are feeling awful.
You'll make it a million times worse.

Take control of your emotions and move on, concentrate on your husband and children and on having a happy family life.
If that doesn't sound fulfilling enough, fake it till you make it.
The grass is greener where it gets watered.

I agree with you OP. He should NOT get away with it. Tell her! I’d defo want to know this info. It’s totally not fair that your life is going down the pan for this and he gets to live happily ever after. I’m totally with you. There must be something wrong in both of your relationships for there to have been an affair anyway, so both marriages are over really. Good luck and I hope you find someone you are better suited to in time xxx

Don’t be any more of a bitch than you already have OP. Leave her alone.

Sorry love, but if you cheat and don't want to blow up your relationship, then you take it to the grave. Your punishment is dealing with the guilt. You went into the affair with open eyes. You were happy to lie to your DH when you were cheating on him, now all of a sudden you want to be honest? You just want to find a way of letting your APs wife know about what went on. Suck it up and move on. Your AP just wanted sex and excitement. You scratched that itch for a while. Why would either of you want to be with someone who would happily cheat and lie to their spouse? Grow up.

Don't.

It will probably all come out anyway but surely you don't want devastated kids on your conscience?

One of my children hasn't recovered from what my ex did to our family and it was years ago.

You weren't desperate to tell her before he broke it off I assume.

You got played I'm guessing. See a counsellor if you think you can make s go of your marriage and never cheat again. And if you still love your husband.

If not, do the decent thing and let him go.

Just drop it and concentrate on fixing your own marriage OP

@Gemitf

A few people have said he only wants to continue the emotional side to ‘keep me sweet’ and prevent me from telling his wife.

I honestly don’t believe that’s the case, because a) he knows I’m married with young children and that I’d be imploding my own life as well as his; b) I’ve always made it clear to him that I never intended or intend to leave my husband or split my family up; c) This has been going on for a year and if I was going to tell her, I could easily have done it by now.

No, he wants to keep you sweet in case he decides to cheat again or in case his wife somehow finds out he cheated. He wants to have a 'woman in the wings' and that's been you up til now, hasn't it? And don't think that her finding out might not happen even if you keep your trap shut. There have been a plethora of threads on "I know XX is cheating and the spouse has no idea. Should I tell?". These things have a way of coming out, sometimes years after the fact.

As far as telling her, that would be a nasty thing to do considering that you apparently don't plan to tell your husband. Sure, go ahead and implode her world and keep yours intact. Why would you think there's anything wrong with that? 🙄

Block him. And then get yourself some therapy so you can start making adult decisions instead of making the decisions of a spoilt child.

Also, look into the statistics on what the results of exposed affairs are. From memory it’s something like less than 10% of wives leave their husbands over an affair that’s ended. Whereas 80% of men will leave their wife for the same thing.

You don’t need to tell anyone. I’d bet your marriage was in a bad state before the affair even started. How long did it last?
Have some talking therapy to get it all out, and decide then how you wish to proceed.
Affairs happen all the time - most long term relationships will have involved some form of cheating on one or both sides, we just hate being open about that. You have done wrong but you haven’t done anything loads and loads of other people around you will have done. So talk it out with a therapist before you blow two families up.

Don't do it, don't tell anyone. It's dead and buried, you will ruin so many lives. Seek counselling on why you had an affair and work on your marriage. Do not expose him or yourself. I have seen people take their lives over this, the repercussions will be huge!!

Yeah once the secret is out in the open and reality hits they won't have the giddy perpetual first date feeling that comes with affairs, the sneaking about, late night texts, always showing your best side for the AP, that's the fun bit and it's addictive, that's why many affairs fail when faced with real life, putting the bins out, clearing up dishes, that hunk of a man you were so desperate for is now asleep on the sofa farting while you pick up his rotten socks off the floor....affairs are nothing more than teenage crushes that are shallow as a worms grave...

What a terrible situation for you. Not sure what you’re hoping to achieve? He’s chosen not to be with you. Throwing a grenade into his life isn’t going to bring him back to you. He’ll either end up back with his wife in 12 months or move on with someone else, meanwhile you’ve destroyed everyone’s life including your own.

Sadly when you chose to have an affair you must accept the consequences of your own actions. If your husband doesn’t make you happy you must leave him. If you want to stay with him, the affair is your burden to carry now and yours alone. Don’t unburden yourself by ruining the lives of your family or his.

Oh for heaven’s sake, there are at least 4 children involved who matter more than your internal bitterness. Keep your mouth shut, if you feel remotely guilty about having the affair then make up for it by directing your emotional energy INSIDE your marriage, for a change.

On the one hand- you are doing it for selfish reasons
On the other hand- there are loads of women who say "I've wish I had known"
So tell but with proof

Wasn't bitter when you was shagging the poor woman's husband though were you? You've caused your own pain I've no sympathy.

The reasons you want to tell her are spiteful not because you genuinely are remorseful for what you've done to your poor DH and the AP's poor wife but because he doesn't want you anymore so yabu. Now I don't think he should get away with it, he is just as much to blame as you and the wife deserves to be free of him but I don't think it should come from you. I would tell the AP that it will be coming out as you are telling your husband in x amount of days and therefore it will be coming out so best his wife finds out from him than someone else. If he doesn't these things have their way of coming out. However it goes, I hope you both get what you deserve.

You are a disgrace.

What ever she decides to do FIRST she needs to examine her own actions - her reasons and rationalisations - without which she is heading herself into disaster! It is too easy to condemn and judge and that won't help her - her marriage and the children caught in the mess. Taking responsibility for a mess first means sort out in your own mind what the heck you were thinking and weren't thinking and looking more deeply into examining your own actions and reactions - take account look at the shadow self and make admittance's first to yourself.

I would tell her OP. But she and her husband will hate you.

Old me would have damned you - but new me not damning anyone. Nothing is ever
straight forward in life - nothing ever really goes to plan. Would I go this route,
probably not. We can all be too ready to condemn - what I'll say is STOP and have a
deep rethink, asking yourself why you wanted that affair and I mean ask yourself.
What was it to achieve- and yes these are questions for yourself to acknowledge and
deal with. Ask yourself did you make a mistake. Ask yourself what will you achieve in exposing yourself to your husband and beyond. Consider yourself as the sacred feminine and acknowledge your mistake and grow. "Know thyself" seems like an easy task BUT it is not and looking more deeply will expose that dark shadow self we all try to tuck away and hide!

Unfortunately your update shows delusion pro max.

Of course he’s keeping you sweet and quiet with the wuthering heights essays. Was your husband the first man you’d known or something? Men are not complicated. A man who can have an affair is already an expert in compartmentalising and does not feel guilty about getting his rocks off. In fact, most men will still fuck a woman they don’t even like anymore if it’s convenient so you must have really put him off somehow. Perhaps it was the crazy shining through, and now he has to treat you with ‘meaningful’ coffee and kid gloves so you don’t fuck his life up.

You want to break her heart for some sick twisted revenge on him? You’re a piece of work aren’t you? Leave her alone. You’ve made your bed now lie in it.

I wouldn’t tell either your husband or his wife, why wreck their lives just to make you feel better? You feeling bad is the price you pay I’m afraid.

The people saying keep quiet, what the hell.

tell your husband, deal with the reaction. Deal with your kids knowing, deal with the whispers on the school run, deal with people looking down on you.

You don’t love your husband or respect your vows and he deserves to make his own decision on what to do. You didn’t give a shit about him pulling your clothes off for another man. Give him respect now.

Maybe you should of thought of his kids and his wife and decided not to trash someone’s family because you felt like acting like a free prostitute.. for god knows what reason

It doesn’t sound as though you want to save your marriage. Leave and divorce your poor husband as you are only interested in in the other man.

Focus on your husband and children. Obviously the guilt and responsibility hasn't hit you yet! You have no right to your righteous anger.