Husband leaving again after daughter's death and I cannot cope

You have to remember that it’s not the same scenario. Your son isn’t going to die because your husband leaves. That’s not what’s happening.

I fear you’re actually going through another grieving process for your daughter that was incomplete because H returned to support you. Now he’s leaving again you’re taking up that grief again and fearing for your son as you’re worried about a repeat pattern.

I think you should speak to your GP and sign up for some talking therapy. Perhaps seek out a bereavement group.

Hi @Newnamenewname26

I’m so very sorry about your daughter.

That’s the very worst thing that could happen in your life. And you survived it. It’s been hard, but you survived. You’ll survive this too.

You say you have nobody, but you have your son and he needs you. Please contact the Samaritans. If you’re afraid of being overheard, you can email [email protected]
They’ll listen and help.

Hello, I'm so sorry for your pain. I've been through some similar stuff. Like many people here, I get it.

I know how it feels for friends to disappear.

I agree with the suggestion about the Samaritans. They have helped me through some very dark days.

Please, please keep going. I have an idea just how tough everything is right now. It will get easier. I promise. It's gonna take time but things can improve. You are so strong and brave. You truly are.

I would recommend - Samaritans - especially for middle of the night pain- find a caring church. You don't need to believe. You might just find yourself surrounded in a community who can help you keep going.

Maybe try writing a diary or a journal. Maybe your words will help someone else survive in the future.

What area are you in? Understand if you don't want to say.

From one bereaved mum to another…sending all my love and strength to you.

It’s hard when someone asks how many children you have. I always tell the truth and say 2, but I judge the situation as to whether I tell them that DS1 (28) passed away 14 months ago.

We are all here for you xx

I'm so veey sorry. Your 'husband' is deeply cruel.
Try to put him out of your mind if you can. He is a very poor parent to your son. Your son needs you so badly.
Your life is precious. Please reach out, to Samaritans, GP, specialist grief charities, old friends - any & all of the above. Your son lost his sister, & his Dad is awful. He NEEDS you so much. One day, 1 hour, 5 mins at a time. One foot in front of another. You are such a strong person xxx

@HarpieDuJour I am very sorry you lost your daughter, but thank you so much for sharing this beautiful post, which I am sure will help many people in all kinds of awful situations that feel utterly desperate 💐. It is wonderful advice.

I cannot imagine your pain. I know when my partner died by suicide nearly 6 years ago it was horrendous. I have never experienced pain like it. We had been together a short time: 2 and a half years. I cannot imagine how his parents felt. I too had some friends who cut contact because they didn't know what to say. The trauma of your loss and this behaviour from your husband is a great deal to have to cope with
please access some support, e.g.through ur doctor. If we are physically ill we get medical support. You need support. Your husband is behaving despicably. He cannot blame his infidelity on grief, because u have said he did it before. You deserve a better life experience than u have now. Splitting from him will remove some distress eventually. Big hug to u OP

You said you want one more day with your son.

He needs lots more days with you. Thousands. He needs you.

You can also email or text the Samaritans. I have done a lot of times because I'm not in a position to phone without being heard either. Keep talking to people.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

I think there is an email service from the samaritans too.

My best friend since school cut off all of her friends when her son died suddenly at the age of 17. I did try to keep in touch but it was obviously something she didn’t want or couldn’t cope with, seeing her friends go on with their lives with their children and later on grandchildren.
That was 18 years ago but if she reached out to me now, I’d be there in an instant
. Try those friends who you shut out, hopefully they still care about you and will be there for you.

Go for a walk.
Not only will the exercise and fresh air help but if you need to make a call to someone then you can.
If not, just the time away from home can help.

Why did he hide your car keys?
Are you not safe to drive right now?

The Samaritans look like they have a text service too https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/chat-online/

Why is he hiding your car keys. If he is trying to stop you leaving then call the police.

Unless he is trying to keep you safe of course. It’s probably not wise to drive atm.

You have every right to talk to the Samaritans and if he is stopping you getting help then he needs to go. If you feel unsafe around him please call the police.

Wish we could all come give you a big hug now op. Know that we are all with you. Please be kind to yourself for your little boy. Think of how sad losing another family member would make him. He’d lose his dad too (not that that’s a huge loss) becuase he’d grow up to blame him for your passing.

I know it’s hard but I promise you, take it one day at a time, you can get through this. And we will be here when and if you need to talk.

Btw I guarantee you it will be easier without this sack of shit guy in your life. It’ll be hard for a little while, but down the line you will find it’s much …freer. That you can actually breathe easier without him around.

If you don’t feel strong enough to tell him to leave (and really I hope you find that strength at some point before his fortnight deadline because he doesn’t deserve to get to leave on his own terms after the way he’s behaved) then could you go to a hotel for a few days to give yourself some peace to think?

How is the money situation?

If you have joint accounts please make sure to put your half in an account of your own immediately. Like ASAP. Becuase men like him often drain bank accounts when they leave.

Be aware he might decide he isn’t actually leaving. This could be an abuser ploy to make you put up and shut up with whatever bullshit he intends to pull going forwards. Either way it’s horrible and I hope you find the strength to show him the door either way.

@Newnamenewname26im so very sorry, I have asked Mumsnet to provide some links on here for you to help you get some support. As other PPs have said the Samaritans is a very good place to start.

So sorry for all that you've been through @Newnamenewname26
As others have said try talking to The Samaritans, they really are kind and will listen. Also i think you need to ask your GP for help urgently.

Your husband, telling you not to cry and using continuing/stopping contact with your son as leverage is really unkind. Are you sure he should stay for another two weeks? it seems like he's making things worse

You can survive this and still have a happy life with your DS. Don't look too far ahead, just look at One step at a time.

@Newnamenewname26 , I’m so sorry you are in such pain. You need help.

If you aren’t able to keep yourself safe then it’s time to call 111 or even 999 for assistance.

I volunteer with Samaritans and would strongly urge you to reach out and call them. They can offer support as much as you need during a period of crisis.

Your partner has made a choice to leave and accepting that is his right will be extremely difficult but there is a future for you and your son. Posting here has been the first step in reaching out for help, keep posting if it helps but please consider contacting one or all of the organisations already recommended.

Please take care of yourself.💐

When people ask how many children you have, you can say, proudly, I have two. If you want, you can add something like.. but I lost my daughter X years ago, and prefer not to talk about it. You have been through, and are still in the middle of hideous times, none of it of your making, be kind to yourself, take small steps, and believe that there is an army of us on here wishing we could give you a hug. If you can make a small step, as suggested by other pp, we will still be here for you if you need to come back. Sending love and best wishes.

When I lost my daughter, I was given some very good advice. I don't know if it will help you, but I hope so.

First, you can't recover straight away, and you shouldn't try. You will be happy again, but it will take time and improvements will be in small steps rather than giant leaps. If you can, stop trying, and let the healing come little-by-little. Focus on smaller, achievable things.

Set yourself small goals. Make a plan for the next day, in the simplest way possible. I had things like get dressed, leave the house once, make meal for kids and wash my hair. Every time I managed to tick off my list, I felt a tiny sense of achievement, which was better than the hopelessness and despair, and as time went on I added more things. I started a routine of going for short walks with my kids every day. I find it hard to feel miserable while I'm walking, even if it doesn't make me actively happy.

Is there a small thing which can be tricky, but you have the knack of? For me, it was making fruit cakes without the fruit sinking. I took the extra cakes (I made a LOT of cakes!) to neighbours and that gave me a safe, easy way to have some sort of social contact. I also went to church even when i couldn't pray, because I was surrounded by people without having to talk much to any of them.

Lastly, please try not to be too hard on yourself. After the terrible loss of your daughter, it sounds like you came to rely on your marriage for safety, stability and comfort., and now you are losing that. It probably feels like another bereavement, and that's totall understandable.

There is hope and I hope you find a way through. It took me at least 2 years before I felt anything like my normal self again, and I'm still inclined to isolate myself when I'm under stress,but life is so much better now. Keep posting here, I found it easier to type than talk, and it allowed me to get things off my chest without dumping all my emotional load on my family.

Can you reach out to DD's best friends?
Tell them you mis DD and ask how they are. Ask them for tea and talk about the things you loved about DD.
Volunteer as a helper in your local gardens.
Seek counselling for how to function while very sad.

Really sorry for your terrible loss. You poor thing.

With regard to your partner.. let him go. Find the resolve to accept it. Compared to what you’ve been through, him leaving is nothing in comparison to the agony you’ve suffered and suffer.
Let him go. It actually sounds like it will be good for you. You will be in charge of your own life and new opportunities will open up for you. A fresh start is not a bad thing.

When my friend lost her 19 year old son to suicide in 2020 she said she couldn't have got through it without MIND. Please ring them or a similar group, everyone of us on here is begging you to.

OP
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Have you joined a support group? My sister did after her child died in similar circumstances and found it so helpful.