My husband is screen addicted and it affects his mood, how he parents, our life. And I don’t know what to do about it

I feel for you; this sounds incredibly lonely. In a very real sense, your husband has left the marriage without leaving the house, as well as abdicating from parenthood. You’re doing all the work by the sound of it. I’m guessing screens are just that - a useful barrier to actually confronting reality. If not his phone, I’m guessing it would be something else. If money were not an issue, it sounds like you’d want separation. It might well be worth good legal advice to find out what you might be entitled to. If you can afford therapy, that might support you, too. Do you have extended family and friends to support you?

I'm sorry you're going through this and that you don't feel able to leave him 😞 It was an ordeal but I eventually left mine. I've literally seen him on his phone in the shower before now. He even uses it when he's driving. I told him if he was ever involved in a car accident with the children I would automatically assume that he'd caused it. Nothing got through to him.

Thats your response? Your 1st thought? 🙄🙄🤣🤣

@Roseyposey10

This sounds very difficult.

Great that you’ve built a life of your own away from screens. Do your best to role model this to the kids, drag them out in to the real world.

The book, The Anxious Generation is a good read. The 4th part of the book offers some solutions, you may find it an interesting read, and it may help you to articulate your concerns to hubby, or at least, give you more conviction in your approach to life.

If you’ve talked about divorce a number of times already, I’m guessing his behaviour is maybe also part of him being checked out of his life somewhat?

Good luck.

Then just leave him to it. You can't afford to leave so you have to find a way to live with it. Are you encouraging Dc to have hobbies away from screens? because it's important that your husband isn't their main role model.

As with any other addiction, the first thing would be for him to recognise he has a problem and want to change it. If he doesn't do this, things won't change. Can you try making him see he is being a bad role model for the kids and that is also bad for him?

If it doesn't work and you really cannot divorce, try to do things with the kids outside the house. If he is checking his phone during meals, I'll stop eating with him at the table to be honest, I find that incredibly rude.

He gets defensive because he is genuinely an addict, he is setting such a dreadful example to your children that content on screen is more interesting and engaging than them. He will use trhe excuse that the kids enjoy looking at screens like its family time but it's not, it's group zombie time.

I say this as someone who ended up being on my phone more because of a velcro reflux baby who contact napped for ten months. Sitting in a dark room.with my baby, only thing to do was scroll at times. It's so easy to get used to it! What're helps me is thinking of the content I'm looking at: someone industrious and creative made that. They did it by not being on screens themselves 24/7. Don't be a switched off consumer of information or of other more lived lives basically.

Would there be any way to get other people from outside the relationship to comment on his phone use? Family/friends visiting, GP, even at a pinch a counsellor?

He has no life outside the house, no friends, no hobbies - he can't be happy and he's finding his happiness on the phone rather than with his wife and children. I'm sure he knows this isn't normal, unless he's literally never spoken to another human or watched a TV programme, maybe if more people point it out he might take it on board?

Although if you've already discussed divorce, he knows you hate him being on the phone all the time and he hasn't changed, I'd say he's either so deep in addiction that he can't, or he just doesn't care. But maybe getting him to see a counsellor (maybe a pre-divorce condition?) might do something.

Anyone with an addiction gets defensive because they don't want to admit or stop it. How does he sleep with the constant blue light and stimulation?

I'm not diagnosing your husband i am just sympathising with the constant screen time with what i say next.
My husband was diagnosed with ADHD quite a while ago now and he was like that. If he wasn't on a game on his phone or Xbox he didn't know how to occupy himself. He needed constant visual input from something. When he was driving he would have his music on at a deafening level because he said he couldn't focus other wise. If he was somewhere he couldn't look at screen he would piss about with a fidget toy in his hand
Up until he went on medication he was a utter nightmare for it. His screen time on his phone was averaging 12-13hrs a day. At work he was also occupied as he was a security guard in a prison and spent his shift watching CCTV cameras.

She's not using him for his money. She's raising their children and running his home whilst he looks at his screen. All whilst she is suffering from a chronic illness.

If I were you OP I would long ago have dropped all his tech into a street bin somewhere.

This is such stupid advice. Do you really think that a man who probably has 10 hours of screentime a day will abruptly snap out of it because his wife made the wifi unavailable? It's far more likely to trigger violence or unpredictable behaviour.

I agree with the PP that some forms of adult ADHD or ASD stimming manifest as constant screen use. DH has a low level of this. We had many discussions about why he can't just leave the screen alone in a public place but I've come to realise that it's genuinely stimming. He needs it to regulate his emotions and honestly, it's not constant to the point of destroying a relationship like many examples here so I've just learned to tolerate it. It's more socially acceptable than echolalia, flapping or doing something else people may notice.

My husband is similar, and has recently developed a new habit of always having airpods in because he's listening to stuff on his phone/laptop, even in bed. So conversation has just died because anything I say is met with him whipping the bloody things out and saying 'what?' and I just CBA. When I complain his response is 'what do you want me to do??)

TURNING YOUR BLOODY SCREEN OFF AND RE ENTER THE MARRIAGE, THAT'S WHAT!!

It's really lonely.

My exH was also like this and I suspected at times he might have ADHD but it was a bit of a chicken and egg situation tbh. He was always tired, but stayed up late on screens. Could never get out of bed in the morning and lived on coffee/energy drinks. Was always hyper fixated on something (sadly not his marriage or anything else useful), literally couldn't just
.. Be. He was also ridiculously forgetful/disorganised but I always thought it was because his brain was so overloaded with the sheer constant volume of crap he filled it full of via his smartphone... There wasn't any room for actual useful stuff. But because I also used my phone sometimes.... That made it ok. I would argue I was stuck on the sofa breastfeeding/paying bills/ buying stuff for the kids/researching stuff for the kids/booking stuff for the kids/arranging playdates for the kids/messaging friends for conversation because he never fucking spoke to me.... But. He wouldn't see how it was different, and sadly I suspect neither would the kids. "Why is mummy telling you off for being on your phone when she's on hers too" "I don't know" ..... Etc etc.

Stolen Focus by Johann Hari is a really great book (for anyone with a phone tbh), about the effects of smartphones on the brain. I bought him a copy but of course, he didn't fucking read it 🙄

Do you know what he's looking at? Apologies if this has already been covered. I'm just wondering if it is those games like Candy Crush that really hook you in, or videos about gaming? What it is might determine how hard it will be for him to kick the habit.
I think if I were in your position, I accept that the defensiveness was going to come, and have it out with him - but you need to have something you want him to do instead. It's no good just saying: "I don't want you to be on your screen all the time", there needs to be something you do want from him.
To take the kids to hobbies or sign them up for X, Y, Z.
To invest in a couple of games they can play with him - not ideal, but at least they'd be included more.
To take a walk with you after dinner - even if the weather is crap.
To help decorate or bake or garden - basically anything he enjoys or you enjoy (bonus points if you both enjoy it) that you can put proper time aside for if he puts his phone down.

Some of it, you can let slide: when he's brushing his teeth? Not great, but it doesn't really effect you.
But try to pick the things that drive you most up the wall and impact your family the most and navigate those with him.
He won't like it - of course he won't, it's an addiction - but you have to be able to tell yourself you tried everything. Xx

Ask him how many hours he spent on his phone today. Then tell him the average is 3hrs 21 mins. That should be a wake up call.

You can’t stop broaching it just because he gets defensive.
‘I understand this may feel like a criticism and will be hard to hear but this is making me very unhappy so I need you to hear me’ rather than going on the attack.
Explain you miss him, you miss his attention, and the kids need his attention. Suggest no screens at breakfast as a starting point.

You can't n change him, but the kids yes. Just do stuff with the kids without him, be a single parent in the marriage, So many men end up like this, you can't make a donkey into a racehorse and maybe this is all he has capacity for. If he has more, he is the one who needs to find it. Meanwhile, get out there and forget about him. I know it makes you sad, make a nice male friend if you need to. This guy has completely given up, ignores you and is passive aggressive.

If I lived with him his phone and games console would be going for a swim in the bath. I'm not even joking.

Next rainy day why not get a board game out or such like and announce to all let’s play such and such. If he goes to opt out, say it’s a family game for everyone…

we’ve had discussions re screen time too and DH didn’t agree initially about it affecting his thinking. However he soon realised he was becoming short attention spanned via scrolling video shorts so will only do it for a set time. He had also got back into reading books again too.

Could he be neurodivergent @Roseyposey10 ? Phones give an instant dopamine hit.
I think you already mentioned he suffers with depression.
It's worth looking into.

I'm sorry you are going through this. The father of my three children is the same.
Can you start getting your ducks in a row to start prioritising your one precious life? Invest in anything you can to improve your health. (I have a chronic illness also and went down route of naturopath, lifestyle changes, therapy and any different angle I could to try improve my health... suspect my chronic illness brought on in part by relationship).
Anything you can do to improve your income.
What would you advise your children to do if this was their situation?
If you are on FB, look up Zawn...you are not alone. I promise, it's possible to build a life you are proud of and love outside of this.

I would leave him.

You say divorce is not an option because of finances but also that you are busy, active and out and about with friends and hobbies.

Could you not monetise any of the stuff you are already doing or switch to paid work for some of it. Even small amounts will be helpful to make you feel able to leave.

The books and techniques recommended above to break phone addiction are good but they won’t work unless your husband adopts them himself.

Have experienced this too, but husband is a recovering alcoholic and quit vaping and before my time weed and gambling. I think it clearly represents them being uncomfortable with a gap to fill and misdirecting themselves. Because mine has removed the toxic things I'm cutting some slack but still interested in this.... clearly it's a transferred addiction and mine said once that he is thinking of getting rid of social media so he does recognise it's fundamentally doing the same thing. But he hasn't and it usually dominates the evenings.
All I've been doing is trying where possible to suggest that he takes a turn cooking or doing the little ones bath, or suggesting trips out, getting romantic or doing one of his old hobbies etc...to get him not fixating on it for all evening..the one he often does is put us on a programme but proceed to then go on the phone on social media shorts.
I'm very interested if anyone has opinion on what need it's fulfilling - I have read recently that research suggests there isn't really an "addictive personality" it's just that the things are highly addictive so in turn if someone engages with them the likelihood of getting addicted is strong. But I'm trying to understand the why...what void is it filling... especially as the content largely sounds so mindless and he's actually a really intelligent person. Thanks!