Is this ok for a picky M in Law visit?

I wouldn’t have dh’s family come to stay if he wasn’t close to them and didn’t want them there. I’m not close to my family and don’t want to see them. I’d be really pissed if dh invited them anyway and I’d put a stop to that.

But to answer your question, when dh invites his family to stay, he organises pretty much everything. I will do certain things like hoovering and mopping because I’m very particular about them. And I tend to do the food shopping and cooking, because again, I like certain types of foods and I’d like to eat nice things. But he does all the cleaning, sorts spare room, bedding, tidying, garden, etc. He also does the bulk of the hosting and running around apart from cooking. I have a lie in and he gets up and makes everyone coffee and breakfast. His family, not my job to make sure they are well looked after.

Why are you going to all this effort - is it because you think you'll be judged if the house isn't as spick & span as she'd like?

You aren't her son's housekeeper.

I really can't remember! (It was a few years ago now). But, yes, that was how I felt. I don't think they didn't want us to come, but just couldn't be bothered to make us feel welcome.
Anyway, I just wanted to say to the OP that all the trouble you have gone to is more than enough, and I hope it is appreciated!

Did your DS or DIL invite you or did you invite yourself? It sounds as though they didn't want you to come.

My hubby isn’t super close with them. He would rather they not come. Yep that’s where I’m at. I’m doing this for the little ones.

I would really counsel against this approach. Your DH knows them best. If he doesn't think they are good to have around, then over riding that judgement is seems pretty poor and not actually in your DC's best interests.

I get it OP, I used to find it very stressful planning for a visit from the PIL, we're just very different people, although their hearts were always in the right place. Sadly MIL can no longer visit (in a care home with dementia), but we sometimes have FIL to stay, it's not fun.

It sounds like you've made your guests' space tidy and clean, and as long as you don't generally live in a dust bucket, I'm sure it'll be fine. Sometimes I see visits (not just from PIL) as a good opportunity to get on top of some jobs I don't normally get around to.

While my focus tends to be on a clean and tidy house and meal planning, DH tends to focus on getting DIY jobs done, making sure his car is clean etc - he gets as stressed about it as I do, but in a different way.

If they announce they're staying longer than expected, I'd probably make it clear that you will still need to go about your normal day to day business as you hadn't anticipated the stay to be so long. And then DO IT. I'd probably also say I didn't have sufficient food in. And I'd hope they'd offer to take us out for at least 1 meal as thanks...

Honestly? I really don’t get the ‘leave it for your husband, they’re his family….’, they’re not….they're your inlaws, the grandparents of your children. It should be a joint effort of course. MN really is weird about these things.

As long as it's the house is tidy, dusted and vacuumed, and the bathrooms and kitchens are thoroughly cleaned, it's all good.

hubby works full time long hours

As do many married men and women who still don't leave it all to their spouse.

I'm sure he could've used some of his precious after work time to do his bit.

My post was my experience. Hers was hers in response to mine hence why my comment about it being the DIL role.
anyway, the casual misogyny displayed in my case is irrelevant to the OP so I apologise for the tangent.

Nothing we do can ever be enough with my MIL so I let DH do it especially now as I have disabilities

She didn’t say it was - she said the DIL didn’t work outside the home and the son worked from home, implying they both could have had a chance to do it.

I’m v relaxed about guests and being a guest, but I would always prioritise making the room up for guests - it’s a pretty basic thing to do. Obv if there are mitigating circumstances (surprise visit / hosts ill or incapacitated/ hosts at extreme busy time for work or newborns or something) that’s understandable. And when we visit my MIL we always get all the beds ready because she is v old and v frail and we don’t want to wear her out. But for visiting perfectly capable people, yes it’s fair enough to hope they’ve made the bed up.

if I have guests I always want them to feel welcome, and PiL keep an immaculate home so I try to make things as nice as I can for them in whatever time permits.

I make space in our coat closet for their stuff, and I make sure the hallway is super tidy and welcoming.

And giving the kettle a good descale and polish, a proper clean out of the fridge, and a very good tidy up, is often necessary.

If I’m hosting a special meal I’ll also usually polish the silverware! Lol.

I wouldn’t have guests for a week-especially picky ones, that’s too long!

I'm a great believer in "take the place as you find it if you don't like it don't come again". It shows people where they are placed in your hierarchy. Even when I rented I never tidied up for inspections. I always reminded the agent "Your here to inspect the fabric of the building and not my housekeeping".

Perhaps they are trying to send you a message . It could be one on 2. Either they expect everyone staying to muck in or they don’t really want you staying.

I didn't say whose job it was. I couldn't care less whether it was my S or DIL who prepared the room, but I do think it is basic good manners than when you have a guest staying you make the room comfortable for them!

But was this solely down to your DIL? My point was both DH and I are responsible for cleaning the house and getting stuff ready. Anyway, that was added to the list of transgressions….

Just because your DIL doesn’t work outside of the house, does that make it her job to sort the room for you?
The way I’d see it is this… your son has his ‘jobs’ (working, putting the bins out, whatever) and your DIL has hers (childcare, cooking, whatever). Making up a guest room for your stay is an ‘extra’ task, on top of their normal day to day tasks. In my house, that would be for DH to do as they’re his parents. If my parents were coming, I’d sort it.

Yes, you seem to think it was your DILs job as she ‘doesn’t work outside the home’. You have absolutely no idea how many tasks she had that day. If you want hotel service then stay in one. Most people wouldn’t be bothered about putting sheets on a bed. It doesn’t matter what your standards are. You can’t inflict your standards on other people.

I used to clean everything as MIL is very houseproud and I'm not, though they have never stayed overnight. The DC used to find it very stressful (sensory problems with hoovering). Then PIL reported me to social services for various reasons including the house being dirty & untidy (it wasn't!) so basically all that effort had been a complete waste.

Really Yetone? If anyone comes to stay at my house, I always make sure the bedroom is clean and ready for them. I see it as basic good manners no matter who it is.

You really do sound like that MIL. Stay in a hotel next time.

I must admit that, as a MIL, this happened to us and it did make us feel extremely unwelcome. We have a five hour drive to get to our son's house and arrived late. After the usual pleasantries, a bit to eat etc, we staggered up to bed to find the sheets in a pile on top of the sofa bed which we had to pull out and make up. The room wasn't clean. DIL doesn't work outside the home, son works from home.

Obviously you would have to clean the guest room and ensuite . That would go for any guests you have visiting. But I wouldn’t be bothered doing the garden . That would be husbands job . Can’t be superwoman.