Page 5 | Feeling disappointed with family after having baby

Surf1234 · 2026-08-03T11:37:58+00:00

Bit of a long one, but feel I need to rant and helps to write things down. I'm a first time mum to my little boy. Prior to having him, my partner and I moved house to live closer to my parents, thinking long term and that we may need a bit of help/would be nice for them to have more of a relationship. When I used to live quite far away, I thought I was close with my family as I enjoyed catching up with them and everything seemed fine. However, once we moved, it didn't take long for me to realise that I wasn't actually as close as I thought. (sounds strange but suppose when you live closer, you lose that novelty and we used to make more of an effort to plan nice things when I lived further away). So basically, the idea that I had in my head where my family would be with me and baby all the time, helping out and going for nice days out, isn't actually my reality. They see baby regularly but often it's me making the effort to suggest things or go to them. I don't think they're like this because they're not interested, I just genuinely don't think they know what they should be doing, how much help to give or what's expected. And because I'm not close with them, I don't have that relationship where I can be open about this. However, I would have hoped that a bit more effort would be made and they would get excited about the small things like going to the park with baby/taking to soft play etc. I know people would generally tell me to be open about things, but that's really not an option here. And also people would advise that I should just give up and let them make more of an effort and focus on my little family. But that would also be hard as I feel some kind of duty and also want them to be close (my little one loves it when he sees them). So just feel like I'm stuck, but generally I'm just ranting about the disappointment I feel that things haven't looked like how I hoped and I've ended up feeling very lonely and isolated most of the time.

viques · 03/08/2026 14:10

I think your problem is OP that your family members saw through your cunning plan of moving close to them when you had your baby so that they could share in the joy of the new life you brought into the world act as surrogate parents when you fancied a quiet day at home. If you didn’t have a close relationship before the baby came then it is frankly unlikely to blossom after the baby. And also, remember that some people are not enamoured of small babies, they like them when they are older and not so floppy, squeaky and smelly.

likeitshard · 03/08/2026 14:10

I’m guessing the set up you had before was that you had separate lives and all did your own thing but when you visited you were “looked after” - trips out, nice meals etc and this was all adult based as there were no kids.

Now you have moved closer you assumed there would be a change all round , they would give up some of their day to day routines/hobbies to spend time with you and the baby and be a support to you.

it’s not a unreasonable expectation but was there anything prior to the move that made you think they would want to?

Ultimately you have them close by if you get ill or have an emergency odds are they will help you because they don’t sound bad just distant? In ies of how you manage your relationship I think you neeed to readjust your expectations, continue to invite them out and normalise hanging out together but also build other relationships in your community, make some friends, socialise and try to accept the relationship you have with your parents.

pikkumyy77 · 03/08/2026 14:09

Just ignore the haters here. What matters is that you are realizing that you come from an emotionally stunted family and that you always did. Maybe they gave as much as they could when you were small, were happy when you went ling distance, and can only really manage small amounts of the love and intimacy that you have now learned is normal from your partner and new baby.

Look at books on families like yours: memoirs, psychology books, etc… There is a mismatch between the casual intimacy that you crave and what they can give. You will have to just mourn and accept it and vow to do better for your children. Be the family you wish you had.

sittingonabeach · 03/08/2026 14:08

@Surf1234 how often do they see your siblings?

WhistlerKimono · 03/08/2026 14:08

Surf1234 · 03/08/2026 13:54

I think this is the point. My expectations came from me thinking we grew closer as I became and adult, obviously not realising that perhaps the distance helped with this. It made me excited to see them and effort was made all round. We are a very emotionally stunted family and do not talk about when we are down, feeling lonely nor do we ask for help. Most idiots on here will say, well change that and start expressing how you feel. It's not that easy. I also would absolutely hate to upset them by implying that what they give isn't good enough, or that I hoped they would be more interested/engaged. That would cause a whole lot of upset and force them to be something they are not. Now, before the critics come after me for saying ''what they give isn't good enough'', I only mean that by saying I would like them to be bit more involved, they would interpret this in the wrong way and it would be difficult for me to reassure them.

I posted this to see if anyone else has been left to feel disappointed. I can't help how I feel. Even if it sounds unreasonable to other people.

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Of course you can help how you feel! Start by taking all the 'shoulds' out of your thinking. Then communicate clearly with your family exactly what you would like to happen. It still may not meet your 'dream', but at least it won't be because you have secret expectations you are refusing to verbalise and are getting annoyed because your family aren't psychic..

sittingonabeach · 03/08/2026 14:07

@Surf1234 did your vision look very different to the way your parents were before you had your DC? From a socialisation point of view.

Do they have an active retirement, see friends, like going to new places, exploring? Have friends who are grandparents?

MyPlumHelper · 03/08/2026 14:06

He's your baby. Did your grandparents really accompany your mother constantly on day trips out with you and go everywhere together?

My sister was like this when she had her first baby. I came to see her in hospital the day after the child was born, and it was absolutely lovely. My sister worked very part time hours, even before she had her child.And that's no judgement from me.If that worked for her and her husband.

But I work long hours in a demanding career and my annual leave, and my free time is at an absolute premium.

My sister didn't get it, but I have to be rested and be able to have my game face on for work and sometimes I just want to chill out in the evening with a glass of wine.

No, I really didn't want to spend my weekends coming over to her house and sitting and watching her baby having a swimming lesson.Which basically means splashing around in the water with absolutely no need for a formal lesson you could just do that alone. Sister was offended when she thought I didn't want to watch her little one having a good time she thought it was somehow an amazing experience for me.

Please don't lose sight of the fact that people have their own issues, problems and lives.And it can't always stop to revolve around a new baby.No matter how exciting it might be for the mother.

Genuinely didn't care about watching a swimming lesson and spending my weekend travelling all the way to my sister's house to see that. Maybe that makes me heartless, but so be it. Maybe maybe if she'd said, do you want to come swimming with us and I would actually have had a chance to get in the pool with the baby and my sister and played togehter but that wasn't what was on offer. It was on offer was to be a spectator on the side and watch the baby having a good time.

Really isn't fun sorry.

annoyingunclesdrama · 03/08/2026 14:05

blooba · 03/08/2026 12:59

I think you might have had unrealistic expectations tbh. It’s not reasonable to expect anyone to be excited about going to soft play or the park. It’s not enjoyable for adults.

Are these working age adults?

I beg to differ, there are lots of grandparents who are very involved and love to help with grandchildren.

Original poster

Surf1234 · 03/08/2026 14:03

Haikuing · 03/08/2026 13:47

That’s literally what you said in your OP. You moved your family based upon a fantasy that does not exist, and you want other people to facilitate that fantasy. You cannot manufacture or force a bond, it’s something that takes active work.

Rather than focusing on your needs have you tried focusing on your parents’ needs? What are their hobbies? Do you spend time with them doing things they like to do? Have you spent time building a relationship as adults? Or did you simply decide that you would move once you were set on having a baby and expected them to just fall in line?

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seriously, just stop commenting. go look after your own kids.

OP posts:

bevm72yellow · 03/08/2026 14:03

I think you are airing your thoughts to get feedback which is a good thing. Expectations you have are different from family around you. Sometimes people offer to babysit or do childcare when the drama of a new baby exists then it goes out of mind or else doesnt suit their situation. When new Mums see others with loads of grandparent support it feels unfair but it actually isnt because different families have different dynamics. Some families like to be involved and aware of all decisions and others let the couple learn for themselves and be independent in bringing their own children up.

Paganpentacle · 03/08/2026 14:02

PollyBell · 03/08/2026 12:41

But all this is what you have made up in your head, other people have their own life with their own things going on

And yes in an ideal world everything would be exactly the way we think it should be but life ia not ideal

Edited

Indeed.
Did your family know you had this planned out for them?

Original poster

Surf1234 · 03/08/2026 14:02

Greenclass · 03/08/2026 13:44

I think you’re getting a rough time because MN loves to jump on anyone ‘expecting’ childcare. What you meant was you hoped you’d see them and they’d be more involved with your child and your life than they are, and you understand that it’s up to them how much they’re involved but what you hoped for isn’t what you’ve got and it’s made you reassess how you thought of your family relationships. I think having a baby can highlight our family dynamics a lot, the same with friends too, when you realise maybe things had been a bit more one sided or not quite what you thought. That’s hard to reconcile and can be upsetting if you’d like to be close with them.
could you talk to them and say I hoped it would look like x, would you like that too or would you like it to stay as it is now?
and then at least you have your answer and you’ve tried. Maybe they’ve not realised.

fwiw I had the same issue, I never expected or wanted childcare, but all the way through my pregnancy my mum talked about how she couldn’t wait to see the baby a few times a week, come to classes with us, go on days out during mat leave etc. but actually when I needed her the most, I saw her less than I had my entire life. She never helped at all, and she shows virtually no interest in seeing me or my dc now several years on. I know that’s her right to make that choice but we can still be hurt too

Thankyou. It's nice to have someone comment who gets it a bit, as much as I sympathize with your situation. I said 'help out' and people thought I was talking about having the baby 6 days a week whilst I go out with my mates ha! By help I meant just do normal stuff like that

OP posts:

sittingonabeach · 03/08/2026 13:59

Is that all they do, go to a pub for their socialising? Do they go with you if you invite them?

Did you go out loads as a family when you were young?

How are they financially?

Nofeckingway · 03/08/2026 13:58

You lost me at soft play tbh..😄

SilenceInside · 03/08/2026 13:58

You said they see the baby regularly, though. When you invite them to the pub, do they say no?

Original poster

Surf1234 · 03/08/2026 13:56

chocoluv · 03/08/2026 13:43

What do your parents typically do for fun?

Do they go for walks and to cafes etc already?

Perhaps you could start doing things that they already find fun and invite them along.
E.g. going to national trust gardens etc

It may be that they don’t want to overstep and think you’ll ask them or just that they’re not interested in going to places like soft plays or petting farms etc.

You may find that as your child gets older and is able to do things that they find more interesting, they’ll be more interested.

They go to the pub. I have invited them to many a pub...

OP posts:

Original poster

Surf1234 · 03/08/2026 13:54

redskyAtNigh · 03/08/2026 13:43

I don't think you say how old your baby is but I think it's easy to put rose tinted spectacles on and assume things will be lovely when you are pregnant/baby is small. Reading between the lines I wonder if you are also wanting your parents to be better grandparents than they were parents?

I think it's difficult for grandparents to get it right. If you peruse MN you will see quite as many people wishing their parents would stop popping round all the time and forever wanting them to do things, as you do ones who want the very involved life.

For me the part of your post that jumps out is that being open is not an option. I think this is hard for you because you have a wonderful baby, and it's highlighted the issues and the lack of closeness with your own parents that you had managed to successfully hide when you lived far away and only saw them occasionally. I know you said that you didn't want people to say this, but you won't change your parents. If you can't be open with them, then you have to accept that what you have is what you have (and it's a lot better than many people have, to give you some context). That doesn't mean you cant' grief and be sad for what you wanted. But what you wanted was an illusion.

I think this is the point. My expectations came from me thinking we grew closer as I became and adult, obviously not realising that perhaps the distance helped with this. It made me excited to see them and effort was made all round. We are a very emotionally stunted family and do not talk about when we are down, feeling lonely nor do we ask for help. Most idiots on here will say, well change that and start expressing how you feel. It's not that easy. I also would absolutely hate to upset them by implying that what they give isn't good enough, or that I hoped they would be more interested/engaged. That would cause a whole lot of upset and force them to be something they are not. Now, before the critics come after me for saying ''what they give isn't good enough'', I only mean that by saying I would like them to be bit more involved, they would interpret this in the wrong way and it would be difficult for me to reassure them.

I posted this to see if anyone else has been left to feel disappointed. I can't help how I feel. Even if it sounds unreasonable to other people.

OP posts:

PrettyPickle · 03/08/2026 13:53

I’m sorry you’re feeling lonely, it’s really hard when reality doesn’t match the picture you had in your head. But it’s worth remembering that your family haven’t actually promised the level of involvement you imagined.

A lot depends on their ages, work, personalities, and how close you genuinely were before. Some families are naturally hands‑on, others wait to be asked because they don’t want to overstep.

If you want more involvement, you’ll probably need to communicate clearly and build that closeness over time. It’s not unreasonable to ask for specific things, but it’s also important to accept their limits.

You’re not doing anything wrong, you’re adjusting to a new reality, and that takes time.

DemonsandMosquitoes · 03/08/2026 13:52

You thought your family would be with you and ‘baby all the time!’ It’s not what I’d want as said family member. And what’s all this help you need? My DM lived ten minutes away and we saw her about once a month. I don’t think she ever went to soft play and I don’t blame her!
Young childcare is boring. I get it. Even I couldn’t get excited about baby cafes and went back to work at four months.

PoesieAndPeaches · 03/08/2026 13:50

I think everyone dreams of having very involved grandparents to laugh and enjoy life with - and to help out with our little ones. But, the reality for many is not the case. I envied people who had it when my children are little and I still do now they are grown up! Both my parents had died by the time my youngest son started school, and the IL's lived 150 miles away.

You had expectations and imagined something that has not transpired.

Nobody has done anything wrong here, you just need to adjust your expectations. Just move your thoughts and shift your focus on to other things - catching up with friends, perhaps a few old schoolfriends, finding toddler groups, keeping busy with your little one etc..

You will find these thoughts will diminish. You are still very fortunate to have your parents alive, healthy and nearby and will probably find these thoughts go once you have shifted them to other things.

cantkeepawayforever · 03/08/2026 13:50

What do your family enjoy doing? When you were visiting them and were child-free, what were the things that you all liked doing together?

Understandably, the focus of your world has changed - but theirs has not. So demonstrating that those ‘old’ good things are still possible with a baby may be more successful than trying to make them like baby-centred things? What about Sunday lunch out? Or a gathering at your house with the baby mainly in bed?

Once you have shown that you are still someone who is sociable on ‘their terms’, then it may be easier to instigate some social events that are on ‘baby focused’ terms.

Obviously, this is different if the family social focus was late night bars and nightclubs! However, again, a small amount of investment in a babysitter may reinstate you as a ‘close member of the family’, interested in them as much as in your baby.

somanychristmaslights · 03/08/2026 13:48

My in laws aren’t interested in any of their grandchildren. It’s just the way they are.

Haikuing · 03/08/2026 13:47

Surf1234 · 03/08/2026 13:39

Read the other posts I have written. I did not mean this at all and anyone commenting with negativity has just come here for an argument it seems. That's quite funny...

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That’s literally what you said in your OP. You moved your family based upon a fantasy that does not exist, and you want other people to facilitate that fantasy. You cannot manufacture or force a bond, it’s something that takes active work.

Rather than focusing on your needs have you tried focusing on your parents’ needs? What are their hobbies? Do you spend time with them doing things they like to do? Have you spent time building a relationship as adults? Or did you simply decide that you would move once you were set on having a baby and expected them to just fall in line?

Naurrr · 03/08/2026 13:47

I personally thought a park in the sunshine and a trip to a cafe was a great day out,

I thought this was a joke for a second or two 😁
Have you ever seen that article about on the internet about 'ask' and 'guess' culture? Seems like your relatives operate on ask, and you want them to guess.
You see them often, so tell them you're happy for them to arrange meetups.

SilenceInside · 03/08/2026 13:46

Is it really not possible to say to your parents that you would be happy for them to see you and baby whenever would suit them at wherever would suit them?

Could you suggest a regular day each week/fortnight/month to meet up? Then it's not you asking, or them asking, it's just the ongoing arrangement.