Feeling disappointed with family after having baby

Sorry to say but this all sounds quite normal. I have a good relationship with my parents but we usually pop over to their house or go to the local park. They have never been to a soft play or anything similar with my daughter. I'd love to do that instead of going to theirs but to be honest I also haven't suggested it so I can't expect them to be mind readers. Have you suggested going somewhere instead of just popping over? X

There's the things you want them to do, and the things they want to do. These are not the same.

They don't need to do anything. It's lovely if they want to get involved and go places with you, but you chose to have a baby and move close to them. They didn't. They have lives which were probably ticking along quite nicely and they very understandably don't want to give that up to be focused on a baby.

Why don't you suggest the things you would like? If you don't you're judging them on a situation that you've not even attempted to talk about. Sometimes people are unaware or don't want to be a burden... If you don't ask then I don't think you can judge if I'm honest.

You’ve had so many negative messages, I just wanted to give you support. I know exactly what you mean! I’ve felt this to a much lesser degree that you with my in-laws, so I can imagine how disappointed you must feel when it’s your own parents.
i think all you can do is keep inviting them, and do ask them for help when you need it (you’ve already proved you care more about building a reciprocal relationship than wanting childcare - but it is ok to ask for this sometimes!)
we also have started inviting ourselves round to our in-laws for dinner when we want a break from cooking from time to time (like once a month max for those people who feel inclined to shit on people who did build a village 🙄) - my in-laws seem to love hosting us occasionally, I’m sure your parents will too.

I think maybe you are expecting too much too soon. Not everyone is into babies and toddlers and you will probably find as your child gets more independent things will improve.
Remember that your parents are older now and a lot of older people find babies and toddlers quite tiring as much as they love them.

Your entitlement is astounding. Unfortunately you are the terrible selfish one.
'she will only give us X amount of time in a week which are times that do not really benefit us that much'. Who on earth do you think you are.

I know you want them to form bonds organically, but sometimes you have to spell out what you'd like. They may not want to visit several times a week but if you asked them to join you on a park trip would they come?

Not sure how old your DS is, but sometimes bonds form with grandparents a bit later on, many don't want to overstep or want to preserve healthy boundaries.

You've said you feel lonely and isolated. I think it would be a positive if you try reaching out to other mums at groups or through apps. It may feel a little easier if you have one or two people to suggest soft play or parks with so you have a slightly wider circle. Not everyone has family members to do stuff with all the time, it's quite common for retired parents to be prioritising their hobbies, friends, holidays even if they live close by.

I do feel for you, OP.

My husband and I showed much interest in neices and nephews and when our own children came along this interest and enthusiasm was not reciprocated.

It's disappointing.

But also, I think it would be helpful if you challenge the disappointment and reframe it.

You're excited about your baby and that's how it should be. Aside from my own enjoyment of my own children, I have genuinely loved the excitement and love that my parents have for them and love seeing their relationships grow.

It is a relationship which I feel is different from what I had imagined but it's still beautiful and belongs to them- not me.

My advice would be to concentrate on your relationships with baby and your social circle with baby.

Always ask for help from family, but don't expect it. Relationships will grow, you'll find your village and it will be beautiful- even if it's not how you first imagined it to be.

Have you found mum and baby groups? There will be lots advertising now ready for September, maybe some running in the holidays still.

🙂

I assume many people will still be working when the next generation of grandchildren arrive or too old to be too involved depending on what age adult DC have their babies.

When I was pregnant someone told me “all the help you think you’re gunna get doesn’t happen” and it’s true, in fact you feel bad asking. My parents are great with my daughter and very willing but even they are not to the level I “imagined” you are probably getting more than most- some of my friends parents do very very little. don’t let it get you down it seems to be a generational thing - I feel the next lot of grandparents Won’t be like this and be very willing and less “it’s my time now” as we will realise what we went through.

I had very involved grandparents and would spend lots of time with them. Thinking I could replicate this I was excited to have gc in the beginning but as the years have passed and divorces and new families and step gc have come along I now need over 3 hands to count them all.
I don't provide any childcare, if thats whats ‘expected’ of me, tough, I cant show favouritism by doing it for one and not another. We both still work fulltime and spending a day off at soft play would be hell on earth for me.
It is what it is, families are all different.

Coming from the other side of the fence I was very excited to become a gm and thought I'd be more involved with them. I work part time and I can be flexible. I've always had a good relationship with my older 2 dd. Anyway dd2 and her dh both took 6 months maternity/paternity leave and wanted their own little bubble (just after covid), travelled a lot and it was obvious I wasn't going to be called upon to look after dgc. Dd1 had a gorgeous baby a couple of years later and she has definitely kept me involved though she lives much further away. The past year dd2, since she had her second I have looked after them more but it is difficult as each time I have to relearn them. I do let both of them do the contact as they know their dcs' routine and I wouldn't want to call at an awkward time.

My child's polish grandparents moved closer to us. My son stays over regularly at the weekends. Has his own room at their house. Loves being there.

Meanwhile the British grandparents see him 3/4 times a year for two hours.

I think you’ve had a hard time here, OP and I think I know what you’re trying to say. I know people that have felt the same as you and have felt sad that the relationship they hoped they would have as a multigenerational extended family hasn’t materialised.
its not about the childcare but it’s about the perceived lack of interest. Now I know that no one has to be interested in your children but it’s sad when relatives are so disinterested. A couple of them did mention it to relatives and in all cases the relatives wouldn’t have it. I would imagine you will need to adjust your expectations accordingly but maintain the invites etc.

It's not that complicated. You can't control other people's behaviour. When you haven't even communicated what you would like them to do, going on the internet to whine about what they 'should' be doing is pointless and self-indulgent. Like a lot of threads on here, this situation could be solved by the OP (1) dropping the idea that people 'should' be doing something for her, and (2) communicating clearly what she would like them to do.

Like a lot of people Op you moved away for work/Uni/for your partner, that's fine but it does separate you from your family so they get on with their own lives, if you're living at a distance for years they're not sitting around waiting for you to move back.You admit you came back because of the baby, not because you missed your family, yet you're surprised you don't seem as close as you thought?

Every other thread seems to go like this now, I've only read the OP's posts and I don't understand it either.

It’s not outlandish at all, in the real world this is the norm for most people (myself included). My parents aren’t doing regular childcare but they’re very much a part of our everyday lives, as are our wider family, which is the same for the majority of my friends. It’s really only on here I see this attitude that your a horrible selfish parent to expect that your family show an interest in your children

Maybe OP’s parents will do more when the baby is older. OP says she hasn’t felt able to leave the baby for more than an hour so maybe they are taking lead from her to suggest things as don’t want to add to her nervousness round the baby

I dont understand why OP is getting such a bashing at all. I had a great relationship with my grandparents due to the fact they spent lots of time with us and cousins when we were young. I have fond memories of sleepovers at theirs, trips to park. My mum tries with mine even though they can be a little tricky behavior wise ( suspected ND). For us moving close was a god send as it stopped negative tensions and arguments when we were forced to stay at each other's houses. She doesn't do regular childcare but will collect occasionally, babysit occasionally, took them out for a few days over the school holiday. She invites us over on a weekend. Pops in every so often. The majority of my friends who have stayed in our hometown or moved back have a similar relationship with their parents. I'm really surprised that this is seen as such an outlandish desire.

Come on most of these comments have been loudly insulting. Its not AIBU the mumsnet section devoted specifically to commenters outdoing each ither to shit all over the OP. She is asking for insight, not a torrent of abuse.

If friends don't have DC then you will probably find you will find new friends or spend more time with friends with DC.

We lived nowhere near family when had DC so had to make our own 'village'. We also moved just as I got pregnant so had no friends in our new area, so most of our friends now DC are grown and flying the nest are the friends we made when we all had babies/little children. When DC are young this is the time when it is easy to make new friends, from baby groups, activities etc.

I don't think I have seen how often you see your family (or your in-laws).

Where does your partner fit in here?

Maternity leave can be a strange place to be, especially if you are the first in your circle to have a baby. Could you tell your family you are feeling lonely (don't blame them in anyway) and just ask whether they have more time to spend with you. But I would also be looking outside the family unit and build up a friendship group with new mums. It is useful having people around who are going through exactly the same stages you are going through.

It’s actually quite a common feeling for new parents to think all existing family and friends will still be there when they have a baby. Reality hits eventually but doesn’t mean it’s not hard to accept.

This is very sad but true and this is what the OP is going through - be kinder folks.