MIL's big birthday party - who should pay?

How many people does she want to invite? How much do you think the hotel party would cost? Have other big birthdays been at a hotel?

Don't let your feelings cloud whats reasonable (speaking from a place of empathy not judgement...we have moocher in laws)

I'd give a fixed cash amount and let the chips fall where they may.

Your DH needs to say
"Hi Mum, would you rather a big present or £500/£1k/whatever towards your birthday bash for your birthday. I know you want it to be special so we are happy to make a generous contribute but dont want their to be any crossed wires about the offer. We camt pay for the whole thing as much as we'd love to"
(I'd hold back a portion of whatever your budget is to cover a perfume or whatever so she has a gift to unwrap)

I would expect her to pay as she wants the big party at the hotel.

I wouldn't book anything until it has been agreed though. I expect most places would need a deposit so I guess going forward would be for you to get a quote, show her the total and then ask if she wants to go ahead.
If she then questions it then perhaps have a back up in mind (once you have seen the total) if a split with the other family members e.g. oh if that's what you would like for your present MIL then we are happy to contribute X amount.

I’m saying op is over-complicating this, very bluntly, because it sounds like she doesn’t want her and her dh to pay for the event so she is bringing in a load of other reasons to justify that feeling, Sorry if that sounds harsh.

I am saying that everyone is at liberty to simplify this and just see this it as an elderly woman who is not in the best of health who wants a party and who may need to have her expectations managed a bit if they are unreasonable! It’s not the G7!

You have to have a bit of realism where family is concerned. There are always potential difficulties. You either make the decision to take the higher ground (within reason and without bankrupting yourself) or you don’t!

Get together with your dh and reach a sum that you are prepared to contribute that falls between being very generous at the top end, to the minimum necessary to meet expectations at the other end, and choose a figure between those two points which best reflects your outlook and your budget,

If she already needs care, and spends £1000s on a party, would a local authority see that as deprivation of assets?

Sorry, that's an argument in favour of her children or someone else paying for it!

And yet it seems like you’re asking other people but not him. You having given a single opinion from your DH when it’s his mother and his family, only multiple reasons from your own perspective.
Do you not think his view is relevant?

I’d not pay for a hotel party (too expensive) but would probably host something myself

@Formatchangehell5421 Nor when it came to an elderly parent’s birthday would we take in to account how good a grandparent they are (it’s quite usual for GPs to be slightly more involved with their own child’s children) or what our future inheritance might look like, or any other factor, as that is over-complicating it and over-thinking it. It’s a birthday party, nothing more or nothing less.
so do you mean it’s acceptable to treat a sons children as lesser than a daughters? And that even if your parent is awful to you, you should still pay for what ever they want?

Hand the takeaway menu back and say 'oh nothing for me, I've eaten '

I do see that they have you absolutely over a barrel because they have no shame about it. I think almost whatever you do or say, they will book whatever they want and expect you to pay the rest, and whatever you do they will moan about it.

In those circumstances I would be rather inclined to do an absolute refusal, a dead No, from the start. I wouldn’t even discuss it. Just say ‘oh that sounds lovely’ in terms of attending as a guest.

Otherwise I would take complete control, organise whatever level of party I felt like affording (lunch at a gastropub? Host at your house?) pay for the lot and accept that in return you will hear nothing but complaints and griping about how controlling you are.

I think any halfway house such as giving a lump sum will end up with something extreme being booked that they will assume you are on the hook for, which will otherwise affect MIL’s ability to pay for future care.

Imho, one of the points of being a married couple is that you have merged as a family unit and merged financially and your respective families become a satellite of that.

Dh and I in this situation would have a quick chat between ourselves about budgets, and then discuss arrangements with mil and anyone else involved, making sure everyone is clear that it’s an initial discussion and you will come back to them later on, see what her/their expectations are about finances and other prep (and manage them a bit if necessary) agree nothing there and then, then have another private chat between ourselves and then make a proposal about what you can, or are prepared to, afford to whoever is organising it.

We wouldn’t approach this any differently if it were his family member or mine as our finances are joint and these things have a way of balancing out.

Nor when it came to an elderly parent’s birthday would we take in to account how good a grandparent they are (it’s quite usual for GPs to be slightly more involved with their own child’s children) or what our future inheritance might look like, or any other factor, as that is over-complicating it and over-thinking it. It’s a birthday party, nothing more or nothing less.

Forgive me op, I may have this wrong, but reading your updates it sounds like you are resentful of any of your money going to this event! Does your dh feel the same way?

I understand you feel put upon as we are the ones in our family out of six siblings who always contribute the most as we are in a better position financially, and partly that’s bc we saved more and made more prudent financial decisions, so it does get a bit galling when we are expected to pay everything from rounds of drinks to family holidays but family is family and you can’t let this sort of thing eat away at you or you become resentful, so your dh and you must decide jointly what you are willing to contribute that is reasonably generous without going over the top and discuss it privately and openly together before going back and presenting your proposal to your mil and everyone.

I don’t understand fully what the issue is tbh. Is it that you don’t want to contribute full stop, or your dh can’t tell his mum that he won’t be paying for as much as she would like , or what is the problem precisely? I hope this thread helps you work things out anyway.

OK, do provisional estimate of cost, you and your husband decide whzt you can contribute, have a firm ceiling and stick to it.

This!

I’d lie in these circumstances and say you actually don’t have any money available because you popped all your funds recently into a LT bond (or some other investment vehicle they won’t understand) with the intention of using it to pay for SEN DC’s private school fees in 2028 or something. Say that after that it goes into a trust fund for him (and any other children) so won’t be available for wider family access.

Or say it’s in a trust fund for them now (to avoid IHT or Burnham getting his hands on it for whatever mad tax they think of next) and the terms of the trust won’t allow you to draw down any for any for other family members. Then just plead cashflow poverty from now until the end of time on that basis, so that everyone finally has to step up and pay their share. If the ATM is empty/out of order they can’t use it.

If you can afford it just pay. You can't take it with you.

Your mother in law should pay or split equally between siblings and mother in law

If she wants a party she should pay for it herself. It’s a different situation if your husband and siblings decided to throw one for her.

She doesn’t really need a big birthday party does she? YANBU

If MIL wants an expensive hotel party, then she should pay for it.

In your situation, I'd offer to host the party at my home (obviously don't know if that's possible for you). That way I'd be able to control the cost.

1. Mil pays
2. Siblings pay
3. If a meal, everyone pays for themselves, and siblings pay for cake etc

MIL and SIL sound grabby and entitled and I understand why you don’t want to spend lots of money on a party. Your DH needs to speak with his mum and siblings about this party, get quotes from venues and then make it very clear that the bill will be split either 3 or 4 ways.
Tbh if MIL wants a party she should be paying for it herself

Have there been other parental milestone birthdays that set a precedent? If so, he should just refer to that when he responds to her - "DM, we'll provide what we did for DF/Backinnotblack's DF's X0th birthday - blah, blah, blah. If you want to throw a party (and invite us!) we'd love to come. But we won't be paying for it."

Otherwise, if your DH would like to help his DM celebrate her milestone birthday, he should offer her a lump sum to spend on a party or anything else she pleases as her birthday present (I would also get her a token gift to open, like a nicely framed family photo or a pair of earrings, but I don't think that's necessary). How much that lump sum is should be something the two of you decide on and isn't really something anyone on here can comment on given we do not know the ins and outs of your financial situation. But I think it's important he's clear that is all you'll provide so they don't make plans that take them over budget and ask you for it.

If your DH is upset at his DM's treatment and expectations of the two of you, or it's just going to be more than he wants to give, or for some other reason does not want to, then just ignore the hints and say "No, we're not up for doing that." if asked directly.

Discuss with dh an amount your willing to gift mil for her party and gift it. If it covers great if not the others will have to share the cost.

Of course you have separate opinions. You are not the same person. You might make decisions together but you will still have separate opinions