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Original poster

MIL's big birthday party - who should pay?

157 replies

Backinnotblack · 02/08/2026 20:31

MIL had a big health crisis about 2 years ago so she now needs care at home which is clearly expensive. Her and FIL (who died ages ago) made some money so this can be covered for a couple of years but equally there are concerns about how long it will be before the house will have to be sold to continue care.

She's approaching a big birthday and is now talking about organising a party at a hotel as opposed to doing anything at home. I know the pressure is going to come regarding us putting our hand in our pocket (compared to DH's two siblings) and I am therefore wondering what you would do regarding the party and who should pay?

In some ways it's understandable because we are very much wealthier than the others but I would have a number of problems with putting my hand in my pocket. Firstly, double standards. There are a number of things we have paid for (small) but whilst a big thing has always been made that the siblings were paid back if they ever paid for as much as a teabag, the same grace was never given to us (and if we asked there was a chippy comment about how we could afford it anyway so what does it matter). Indeed, I was told by MIL during one zoom call with carers that I specifically should provide her with drivers for her to get about now she can't drive. Secondly, MIL never made an effort with the DC before she got ill. One of ours has SEND and the view was that whilst we had more money the SIL clearly had both better parenting skills (hence the more compliant child) and was brighter (hence the first child didn't have any issues at school) which was a bit annoying. Thirdly, I don't think costs would be kept under control if they thought it wasn't their bill. When we got married my parents paid for a no holds bar, no budget limit wedding. SIL was a bridesmaid and when she realised my DP's were paying for the shoes she asked for a pair of designer shoes worth £1000 when she would only ever pay for supermarket shoes if it was her own bill which was a bit galling. Fourthly, we were talking to MIL a couple of days ago (I said we should phone) and afterwards DH commented that SIL was terribly high handed and patronising with DM to which I had to say she was like that with everyone and always had been. Finally, such requests are often "bounced". There was something MIL really needed and was a life changer but was expensive (that she could easily afford and was so necessary) but it was about 9 months before SIL agreed to the cost, clearly on the expectation that we would say it was taking it too long and would pay to expedite it (we didn't though I put massive pressure on her to get it done and I don't believe it wouldn't have been done if I hadn't harped on).

What would you do? Would you hold your nose and pay? Or leave them to it? I should clarify nothing we have is anything to do with that side of the family. It's because of money I had before we got together as well as money we have built together.

OP posts:
thepariscrimefiles · 04/08/2026 15:12

Backinnotblack · 04/08/2026 08:28

@yeahwhatev i can’t even tell you what vitriolic bollocks that is.

My DH has never treated my DP’s to the best whilst leaving his own without. My DP’s generosity has meant my DH hasn’t had to be on the treadmill like many people are and we have been able to build up our own base of wealth in a way open to very few. My DP have benefited little from that arrangement when he has benefited massively.

I have never said my parents have parties in hotels. They do as it goes. And pay for every penny, every time to the tune of tens of thousands of pounds. But then they are the generation that would still take a table to a charity ball and pay for the table as it’s their table.

I will give you one point. There is a level of disparity and it doesn’t flow in their direction which is resented. However, that’s because my wealth and my parents wealth have nothing to do with my in-laws and their frustration that it doesn’t go in their direction whilst missing the huge point that their DS or DB has benefited which ain’t my problem.

I agree that your MIL and other family on your DH's side sound grabby and entitled to a share of your wealth. If MIL just expects you to pay for her 80th birthday celebration because you have the most money, you need to disabuse her of that expectation as soon as possible.

There is a difference between saving in an ISA and maximising your pension contributions, which are tax free to encourage saving and contributing to a pension and elaborate tax-avoidance schemes that require the services of tax specialists. Extremely wealthy people who can afford expensive accountants pay less tax as a proportion of their income/wealth than average and lower paid earners.

thepariscrimefiles · 04/08/2026 14:42

As none of your in-laws sound particularly nice, I wouldn't pay for anything.

Mulledjuice · 04/08/2026 14:19

Can MIL pay for the party she wants herself? Or can she not afford it?

If not, are you and your DH willing to fund it, or make a contribution towards it? If so do, but if not then they can't force you.

If SIL makes comments or "jokes" about it then you can ignore (and rant privately) of say "I dont know why you think it is up to you to spend our money" or "i dont know why you think you know what we have available to spend, but we don't have it"(whether that is true or not.
Or your DH tells them to fuck off.

Mulledjuice · 04/08/2026 14:15

I don't understand most of your examples!

Original poster
Backinnotblack · 04/08/2026 14:06

@Mulledjuice It's a range of different things. There are the payments made where it has been explicit that money should be returned but a request has been met with "you can afford it". There are the situations where something needs to be done for MIL where payment is dragged and dragged out until the last second with the hope we'll go in and say "ok let's get this done". But then if we did we'd end up in scenario 1 again. Then the situations where I am asked outright for things (like the chauffeur) which is kind of dismissed as a joke when it doesn't land, but it's not. Oh or the times when we are told such and such a really expensive bill is exactly x so don't be shocked when it is taken out of MIL's account, even though we never see the account as SIL is the only one with access.....

OP posts:
Mulledjuice · 04/08/2026 13:01

Im soooo curious as to how these conversations go (you say you expect to be tapped up rather than already have been asked, so I'm assuming they have asked previously).

If they drop hints then hints can be ignored. Do they straight out say "this party is going to cost £x please can you send us the money? Or do you do the organising and paying so they never pay you back? How does it work?
Equally with the £1000 bridesmaid shoes - did noone say "err, no that's way over budget, can you find something more reasonable"?

Igmum · 04/08/2026 09:22

I agree with the posters who have suggested a fixed contribution as your gift to them. That will help them out and also put the brakes on SIL’s spending.

EatMoreChocolate44 · 04/08/2026 09:22

Your in-laws don't sound great but if your mil has had a life changing health scare, maybe not many years left then if it was me I would like to have a memorable and enjoyable party for her and if I could afford it, I'd be happy to contribute. I think it does depend on what everyone can afford. If you make £200, 000 a year for example and the SIL has an income of £50,000 a year then you should be able to afford more of a contribution than her. It is your husband's mum so I would go with whatever he wants to contribute (if you can afford it). Your MIL should be checking with everyone if they are happy to contribute (as her present maybe) and how much and therefore organise an event that fits in with that budget.

bellventrico · 04/08/2026 09:05

My MIL wanted a big hotel party for their recent significant anniversary. There was no discussion re cost at the outset and we assumed they were paying as it was their idea tho we mentioned we'd happily pay for drinks ( as they didn't want to provide any). Then it transpired my DH and SIL were expected to pay for the whole thing. I thought it was pretty cheeky as there had been no discussion about it and MIL is always talking about others being chancers.

On the day, however, It was agreed to split it 4 ways between MIL, FIL, DH and SIL. DH and I are well off ( my wealth) so I offered to add a further share myself tho in reality I actually paid more than anyone else as I also bought the flowers and cake.
In your shoes OP I'd get DH to negotiate on the split of costs and would not pay for it all but would be happy to contribute the larger share ( as we did)

rookiemere · 04/08/2026 08:36

What does your DH want to do ? Yes I know he wouldn’t have a penny if it wasn’t for you and his CF relatives try to financially fleece you, but ultimately it’s his DM, it’s a landmark birthday- presumably 70 or 80 - and may well be her last one. Surely it’s better to agree a financial contribution now that is affordable, than end up with the inevitable invoice and arguments at the end. Presumably he was planning on giving her something, so why not make it her birthday present and head off the inevitable situation.

Original poster
Backinnotblack · 04/08/2026 08:28

@yeahwhatev i can’t even tell you what vitriolic bollocks that is.

My DH has never treated my DP’s to the best whilst leaving his own without. My DP’s generosity has meant my DH hasn’t had to be on the treadmill like many people are and we have been able to build up our own base of wealth in a way open to very few. My DP have benefited little from that arrangement when he has benefited massively.

I have never said my parents have parties in hotels. They do as it goes. And pay for every penny, every time to the tune of tens of thousands of pounds. But then they are the generation that would still take a table to a charity ball and pay for the table as it’s their table.

I will give you one point. There is a level of disparity and it doesn’t flow in their direction which is resented. However, that’s because my wealth and my parents wealth have nothing to do with my in-laws and their frustration that it doesn’t go in their direction whilst missing the huge point that their DS or DB has benefited which ain’t my problem.

OP posts:
Cornishclio · 04/08/2026 07:52

If she wants a hotel party she should pay. If she doesn’t have the money she can do it at home. I would be putting any idea of a big expensive hotel do out of the question unless she is paying. If she cannot afford it she needs to cut her cloth. Cheeky of her to choose an expensive pair of shoes if someone else paying at your wedding. Leave it to your DH but if most of the wealth in your family is down to you make it clear you aren’t picking up the bill. A contribution sure but you are not paying for the whole thing.

pouletvous · 04/08/2026 07:51

She must pay for her own party.

MinnieMountain · 04/08/2026 07:51

My MIL has asked to go on holiday together for her 75th birthday, to the place we all went to for her 70th. Leaving aside the fact that this isn't a 'big' birthday, she assumed from the off that she would be paying her share of the cost.

MagicThanks · 04/08/2026 07:50

I agree it’s up to your DH to deal with, not because of the money but because it’s his mum. You don’t like her so it’s probably better you let him deal with her more anyway.
If I were him I would get in early and say - I think the party is a great idea, we would like to contribute £XXX towards it as a gift to you. Nice and clear financial boundary.

ThisMellowCat · 04/08/2026 07:45

MIL wants the party, she should pay. Stop being the go to! What you have compared to others is nothing to do with them. It annoys me when lower paid people expect things from people who have more, simply because they’ve worked for it.
just don’t say anything about it, if asked just say oh, I didn’t realise we were expected to pay, I’d have said no, we’ve other commitments to pay for, sorry.

ALovelyPinkUnicorn · 04/08/2026 07:44

MyPlumHelper · 03/08/2026 20:42

It's like women who arranged their own baby showers and ask people to pay for it or women who arrange a bridal shower and ask everyone to pay for it.

Generally, people throw you a party for a big event.You don't choose what you want arrange it yourself and ask other people to pay the bill.

Edited
Show quote history

Or the hen do with 18 people in a shared villa in Marbs… and “hey we”ll all split the brides flights, villa costs and party boat costs!! 🥳” ….

yeahwhatev · 04/08/2026 07:42

AnonyMumAuDHD · 03/08/2026 08:20

@Backinnotblack if pretending to hide your available cash in an inaccessible investment vehicle is not doable (and honestly this would be the story I tell the entire family anyway to make it clear the ATM has been disabled), then MIL can have a party…. At one of your houses, or even her own, where all the siblings come together to cater and share the cost and organisation. If she is demanding a Hotel based party in a private room, then she should pay herself.

My PiL had their 60th wedding anniversary (when both were 83) and also their joint 75th birthdays in hotel private dining rooms which they arranged with the intention that THEY paid for it all in full as they knew that supporting young children with SEN (and private school fees accordingly) was expensive and they would NEVER take money away from their darling GCs. Both were retired, no expectation of being subsidised.

They even organised them near us (3-4hours drive) to ensure that it was as little hassle for us with their grandchildren and also so that their niece and nephew could get there easily with their even younger children (cousins live near us by coincidence). Because that is what loving PiL’s do. They centre the needs of the whole family. In both cases, we did actually slip behind their backs to speak to the hotel team and pay the final bill for drinks and any unpaid portion of the food bills - because we love them dearly and they have been the most loving and supportive PILs to me and DGPs to the kids. We’d have done it if it required taking out a loan frankly… but they have never asked us for a penny.

Your MIL has likely got the idea from your parents’ parties in hotels. She may not know exactly who’s paying for what and sees her son treating his PIL to the best but not her. It probably comes from envy combined with feeling not as good as the in-laws - which is the attitude that you exude in every one of your posts too. There’s clearly a significant class/wealth divide in your family which I don’t think you’re sensitive to. Saying things like your parents would never expect a penny from you isn’t relevant as they’re obviously extremely rich - and by the same token you are extremely rich largely because of inherited wealth and privilege from them. This disparity causes resentment from both sides - you see your husband’s family as ‘grabby’ and without good taste, they see you as snobby and tight. I’d guess this resentment is underlying all the unpleasant interactions you have with them - MIL bigging up SIL’s parenting skills (probably trying to keep their end up to not feel so inadequate), SIL getting her £1000 shoes instead of from the ‘supermarket’ (just one of the cutting things you’ve said which reveals your obvious snobbery towards them).

It boils down to you don’t like your MIL and the way she’s made you feel as a parent to your kids so you don’t want to pay for her party - which is fair enough, you reap what you sow. I’d guess you’re also worrying about expectations for paying for her care and so who pays for the party is somehow more significant in your eyes (maybe setting a hard boundary now is actually a message to your husband- I won’t be paying for your mother so don’t even think about it). At the same time, as awful as your MiL may be, you should recognise that you have likely contributed to the poor relationship with your in-laws through your snobbery. You sound very prim and entitled when it comes to wealth - classic rich person attitudes. Your husband’s feelings about his family don’t seem to be relevant to you and perhaps over the years he has started to view them through the same lens as you which must be very painful for them.

Original poster
Backinnotblack · 04/08/2026 07:30

@yeahwhatev oh and do you use ISA’s or save into a pension? Or salary sacrifice? Cos those all reduce tax bills too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Backinnotblack · 04/08/2026 07:21

Hello comrade @yeahwhatev ! You do realise that the money has already been taxed and that if there is no incentive people will stop having any impetus to create that money you love to redistribute? Or are you of the silly belief that people will continue to work as hard to be slaves of the state?

OP posts:
yeahwhatev · 04/08/2026 06:56

Backinnotblack · 02/08/2026 20:42

@Ansells Actually not really. My DP's are the absolute opposite such that they believe money trickles down and are reducing inheritance tax by their actions now. They also have a very close relationship with DC

There’s a reason rich people stay rich - they’re tight including when it comes to paying tax.

Friendlygingercat · 04/08/2026 03:34

I like the suggestion to donate a sum of money on the basis that this is for MIL's birthday and for whatever she wants to do with it. So when a party is mooted well "we already contributed" so feel free to organise what you think appropriate, This puts the ball firmly back in the court of the whinging siblings.

This is a family I would be stepping back from. I've been in that position where some people expected me to pay for something or contribute more because I"had a good job" and made it quite clear that I am not their piggy bank. So I see where Op is coming from.

springtome · 03/08/2026 21:24

MIL birthday, MIL pays. In our family (no one has money of any real value) the birthday person hotes their party. Now if it was a family meal you could offer to pay for MIL meal or share with SIL.

MyPlumHelper · 03/08/2026 20:42

ALovelyPinkUnicorn · 03/08/2026 19:39

If mil “doesn’t want to pay” for a party she’s planning, her dc should have to? Who can I get to pay for things I don’t want to?

Show quote history

It's like women who arranged their own baby showers and ask people to pay for it or women who arrange a bridal shower and ask everyone to pay for it.

Generally, people throw you a party for a big event.You don't choose what you want arrange it yourself and ask other people to pay the bill.

ALovelyPinkUnicorn · 03/08/2026 19:39

Freeme31 · 03/08/2026 18:59

If MIL wants to pay let her, if not i Think it should be split 3 ways equally by her children. Stick to your guns on this so they get the message your not their bank

If mil “doesn’t want to pay” for a party she’s planning, her dc should have to? Who can I get to pay for things I don’t want to?

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