MIL's big birthday party - who should pay?

Problem is when you actually sit down and work out how much you need for a comfortable retirement it is a lot of money so I can understand why you don't want to be seen as a never ending supply of money to your DH's family.

The expectation and lack of gratitude would also piss me off.

I would also be slightly concerned that there will be an expectation for you to pay for the carers if her money runs out.

God (and whoever, including your own investment skills) have made you wealthier, as you realise. Relax. It's not "double standard" on the part of less wealthy siblings to expect and hope you'll make the largest contribution. And the MIL is not going to be around for many years age and illness. Spread some joy around, while you can. You are lucky. This is a VERY OLD man's thinking who does not need any contributions from children and is in great health, thankfully -- but it's pleasant to see children organising events, as and when.

@Backinnotblack
MIL wants a milestone Birthday party and
No doubt your DH will want to contribute
But a hotel will cost money
So if it were me I'd suggest something less exspensive but still as nice
And then do sums /calculations
And have it divided between DH and his siblings whilst always
Telling MIL of progress along the way then
If the others don't pay up
(Cow of a SIL alert here)
Then DH doesn't either
Then you let it be known
Why party never happened
Also
Your DH has to tell SIL /other siblings they can't promise to pay later because its "assumed" he's alright financially and that he'll conveniently forget as they're "family"
Who it seems would take advantage without a backward glance
£1000 shoes anyone?
And does she still wear them??
Or
You give a lump sum upfront
And let it be known that you did
So no impression is given of youse all giving nothing at all
( SIL spoiler alert here)
Good luck with it all

If I wanted to have dinner with a friend who was hard up, I'd let them pick the restaurant or cafe they could afford, or host them at home.

I’d give her some but not much in this case. “Some” being what I consider appropriate for whatever the big birthday is.

So, let’s say she’s thinking of a party with a total bill of £20,000. Let’s say it’s her 70th. Let’s say that for my mum’s 70th, for which she had and paid for her own party costing however much, I bought her a custom sculpture of all her grandchildren’s baby hands that cost me £3000.

For my MIL, if she were this MIL and my DH agreed, we’d give her a cheque for £3000 and tell her that we would have done an equivalent sculpture for her but we know she’s planning this party so wanted her to have the choice to spend the money on that instead. She could consider it a contribution to her entire 70th birthday celebration.

You have to be clear and firm and shut down any possibility for come back, wheedling, dispute. And you have to assume she will tell everyone - except SIL who she will want to bitch about you to - exactly how much you gave and a warped explanation of your motives.

I suspect that both things can be true simultaneously.

For me, whether it's ok for generosity to be taken for granted probably comes down to circumstance and context. For genuinely small amounts (ie someone picking up some milk on the way over because you've run out), then I really wouldn't care. And my equivalent of picking up a pint of milk might look different if I was Elon musk or something. Or where is just an accepted thing between you both where you both know it's the only way that things are affordable.

Money can cause so may issues, as is evident on this thread. Generosity is a positive character trait and greed is not - whether that's by trying to get someone else pay for you, or watching others struggle whilst you live in luxury yourself. I'm not sure the op or the mil are covering themselves in glory here.

But I suspect that the difference is that your friends dont assume you would pay, or worst say that you should pay, because you are better off.

I do the same with my sister if she is feeling the pinch and I am doing better, and vice versa. She is actually better off than me usually and often treats me but I try to even it up when i can, especially now when she has had a very large unexpected expense that has really flattened her financially. The point is that neither of us would ever expect it of the other.

The @Backinnotblack 's inlaws very much do expect and demand it.

If your friends did that would you pay? Would they even still be your friends? Yes they are family but as half an hour on MN will tell you, family very often does not mean nice, kind, supportive etc! It often means nasty, demanding and entitled.

It's imaginary money, but it's also reflective of how many of us live our lives. I mean, if I'm going out for dinner wth a friend who I know is hard up, then I'll offer to pay, or have covered the costs of a friend going away on holiday because I could afford it and they couldn't. I'm not wealthy, so not huge amounts, but it just feels like the right thing to do personally. I'm not saying that the OP should have to do this, just that a lot of us would pay if it would make genuinely little difference to us.

@Backinnotblack Jesus how entitled can one be? If someone wants a party they pay for it themselves unless they are minors! Your Mil sounds very entitled and grabby as does her daughter. I am very generous with people who are not entitled and grabby so with your Mil I would just ignore completely and not say anything about costs. If the subject comes up and your dh feels bad you can agree to split the bill with the siblings. Transfer the amount and then nada. Let Mil go after her daughter for money😄

I suspect that the big ideas will soon be pared right down when they realise that Bank of @Backinnotblack is closed, but there will be a lot of pushback first so you have to decide now what your line is ("We will give you £X as your birthday present, you are welcome to use that for your party" for example) and hold fast.

However.......you have a far bigger issue than that imo. What the hell is going on with SIL using her mothers credit card and being the only one with any access/control over her finances? I would be very worried about someone this entitled and demanding abusing her financially. "Oh dont worry about a big amount coming out its just this bill!" sounds like getting her defence in early.

ETA just seen the Xpost! Glad I am not the only one seeing this.

Oh or the times when we are told such and such a really expensive bill is exactly x so don't be shocked when it is taken out of MIL's account, even though we never see the account as SIL is the only one with access.....
@Backinnotblack - do you think there may be something fishy going on with that account? Does your SIL have power of attorney over it?
In answer to your original question, if your MIL wants the party, she can pay for it herself. If her family wants to throw her a party, they all chip in with equal amounts. As someone suggested above, if your vultures in-laws expect you to pay for it by yourselves, and if you want to, offer a fixed sum of money to contribute to the birthday celebrations and leave them to get on with it.

Of If I was expected to fund a big birthday celebration for someone elderly, I would hire a church hall function room and band, and advise other family members to provide food and drinks. You can get some vey affordable great venues and perhaps a tribute band … Beatles / Rolling Stones etc…

Booking a hotel will come with expectations of a free bar and catering that is more expensive than getting either local caterers to provide food e.g hog roast, buffet or afternoon tea, and drinks can be purchased from a supermarket or even Costco.

I wouldn’t agree to pay for a big party for family members who do not appreciate you, but oblige you to because of your income.

My mother in law had a big party at a hotel for her 60th, my in-laws paid for the party (food, a sit down meal and drinks), we just paid for our nights stay in the hotel, there were 50+ people invited.

If someone wants to host a party, they pay for it, why would you pay for it, even if you were well off? She's a CF!! If your husband wants to pay from his own money then fine, but i wouldn't be funding her party from mine or the joint money pot. Also if he did contribute I'd name your price up front, not offer to pay for the thing outright. They sound insufferable and grabby anyway.

I love how generous people are with imaginary money.

From the sounds of it, you aren't just comfortable, but extremely wealthy, so I'm going in that assumption.

Personally, I'd be a rubbish wealthy person, because my instinct would be that if I could pay for it/most of it, then I would. I'd dislike the feeling I was obligated to though, but there's no way I'd see others struggle to afford something that I could shrug off without a thought.

Given her health crisis, this may well be MIL's last milestone birthday, so I'd want to help her make it great if I could. Obviously that doesn't mean going into debt or my family going without, but if it would have very little impact (maybe skipping one of may holidays etc) then it would be a total no brainer for me.

Then again, if I was a multi millionaire, which I'm assuming you are from the sound of it, I wouldn't be making MIL sell her home to pay for care either.

I thought she had care at home.

I think MIL should pay.

I think your MIL is at fault for planning something with the expectation anybody but her should pay but it sounds like it is a done deal and falling on her DC. If that is the case, no, I don't think you should pay equally if your financial situations are very different. I get that if they seem to have been looking for handouts in the past and have been snippy it is very irritating. They should have a) kept quiet or asked politely and b) been grateful when you offered. But it is what it is. This is surely MIL's last big birthday? Just swallow your irritation about the past (and how annoying you find your SIL generally!), offer 50% and let the other two pay 25% each. I know you have been astute but not everyone has the ability or opportunity to create capital and the world is much nicer when those who are fortunate share their blessings.

Can't you book the type of place where everyone just orders and pays for their own meals. We did this several times with his mum, also with mine, saves so much faffing about, especially with different dietary needs, if people want to bring the sprogs, they also pay for their own sprogs. Husband could pay for his mums actual meal, things likesurprise birthday cake could be arranged via group chat..

If shes in a care home and FIL is dead is the home they lived in now empty?
It needs to be sold and money put in the bank for her. Then she can fund her own party and expenses, as I assume so wont return to live in it?
In the meantime let her use her savings to pay, I can understand her wanting a special.party,she may not have many birthdays left so let her enjoy herself, but I think she should pay.
Maybe you and DH could offer to pay for the cake, or some drinks or whatever as a nice gesture but you shouldn't be completely funding it.
However DH really needs to talk to his mum and his siblings

DH has a big birthday coming up next month and we're simply taking all our adult DC to his favourite restaurant for a lovely meal. I'll pay.

He certainly wouldn't want all his relatives there, we very rarely see them - he's not bothered about friends either, just likes to have our 4 DC and DIL with 4 GC, so manageable group of 10.

MIL having a big birthday party this month. I’m guessing it’s coming out to be something close to £1000-2000. Think garden party at home with a marquee and catering, open bar, but everyone is in their 60s/70s so not exactly going to be a late night wild one. Dh and DB contributing equally to it. I assume MIL is paying for some things too. I honestly don’t know because it’s not affecting me. Dh and I have separate personal finances, but joint household ones. MIL’s birthday is a personal expense for Dh. He’s paying for it himself. Not coming out of anything I contribute, same as any personal travel or nights out or a new motorbike or clothes. He’s a big boy and can handle his finances himself. I wouldn’t expect him to pay for any of my family birthdays or be involved in any way.

1-Village hall and a home made buffet provided by her children
2- word an invitation "Marge would love for everyone to get together for her birthday, we have chosen. "Inexpensive venue". At £pp. Table wine will be provided by us

Generally, the person throwing the party pays for the party. Is there some arbitrary age at which it becomes someone else's responsibility? If so, I'm going to start planning my next birthday party on a large scale...

@Backinnotblack

Oh a tough one!

Too late now, but the SIL’s CF’ery really should have been nipped in the bud back then! It does just highlight their attitude towards your money though.

I’m tempted to say leave DH to sort with his siblings as he seems fit with his money. If they want to fleece him, fine, or he pulls them up on it.

There is no perfect answer, it’s a judgement call, however, from the examples given, they seem to just see you as a cash cow. That doesn’t feel nice.