To ask if you'd be ok with your DP doing a hobby 3-5 evenings a week?

How much of a “pigsty” can a house with two adults get? Especially if you are out a lot. Do you have pets?

sounds like you are unhappy though. So that matters more than a bunch of people on the internet.

Go back to basics
List all the things which need doing on a daily bases and split them down the middle...

Set days for certain things like
Friday, change bedding - DH
Clean bathroom- DH
Washing - DW
Cooking - M,W,F - DH
Cooking - T,T,S - DW (sat date night or take away)

Etc

I would lower my standards a bit on the cleaning and get my own hobby and / or a cleaner.

I wouldn't love this though. Five days is definitely too much if he is out till 11pm.

I hate to be that person, but is there any chance he is seeing someone else? I know this gets brought up in every relationship thread on here, but 5 nights a week and staying out late every time would ring alarm bells for me a bit

fine as long as (a) they didn’t prioritise their hobbies over times I needed them and (b) children are not on the cards in the future.

nothing more tedious than a partner who has tunnel vision, whether it’s work or hobbies or something else.

Im not sure as personally I do like my own company. However 2 things stand out to me; Firstly no matter what he does I would expect him to do 50% of the domestic load. If he isn’t doing that I would suggest as a minimum living separately together instead until he was able to pull his weight. I too like a clean house and I am no man’s servant.
Secondly, I would not have children with him. How many times do we see frustrated women with young children on this platform complaining about unsupportive partners? He is showing you what life with children would be like. If you are younger and want children in the future, you would be best advised to leave and find a better father candidate.

I have always been like this.
Always had hobbies, that have changed over the years, that see me out of the house 3-4 evenings a week and a bit on weekends.
I’ve never, ever, wanted my week to look like work/chores/TV.
So everyone is different. You need to decide what works for you.
No kids, which makes a difference, IMO…..

An occasional week, leading up to a competition wouldn’t bother me, although to 10pm every night is late.

However, three times a week ,, depends on what she like the rest of the week, and what takes priority. Would he drop training if you asked him, to go to a gig for example?

Houses with two working adults in them don’t need to be cleaned weekday evenings!

Sounds like he doesn't do his fair share in your home. Are you being left to deal with it all while he has fun with his hobby?

If you are being treated like the skivvy already then it's not going to work.

In answer to the main question - of course not. Anyone claiming otherwise is a a) a liar or b) wants their husband out of the house and doesn't enjoy their company at all.

But in answer to the "I can't go out because I need to clean" - no. No, you really really don't. That is entirely your choice.

The two things are separate issues.

In a childfree relationship i would be unhappy with this / see no future

What i would flag is perveived 50/50 pre kids doesnt translate to anything like 50/50 post kids.

You are unlikely to both be doing 50/50 as you are blind to the extra tasks you do and you have bandwidth - eg. Weekend plans, deciding what to have for dinner and making sure you have thst stuff.
Or I certainly was anyway...

You have a fuck tonne of free time relatovelt speaking vs employed adults with kids so you dont notice.
its often blind invisible tasks you pick up to be nice.
Its these tasks that multiply exponenially with kids so suddenly its not the pre kids 60/40 split on a volume of X but 80/20 on a volume of 2x

He is still doing 0.4 of an X post kids but youve gone from 0.6 to 1.6 of an X and now you want to scream at the sky at the injustice of it all.

Didn’t take long…

Don't internalise the misogyny and implement it in your own household then. You have a choice (and should you ever have children, you model expectations of gender roles for the next generation).

Is your problem with the cleaning or with wanting him around more?

If it's the cleaning (I agree he should do 50% as you both work, absolutely) sit down together and write a rota which splits jobs 50/50 and stick to it.

If you want more time together tge question is, did he always spend this much time on hobbies or is it only since you've lived together?

If he always did, you're being a bit unreasonable to expect him to stop (as long as he starts pulling his weight with domestic work) because you already knew this about him (obviously all bets are off if you have a baby though, and you would definitely need very clear conversations and agreement before ttc).

If he's changed since you moved in together it suggests he wants time away from you, which you need to talk about if / as it bothers you.

TLDR: Not doing his share of cleaning is unacceptable, but the time out of the house isn't (as you don't have children) unless it's a new thing since moving in together.

I am going to be honest I am the DH in this senario. Been married 20 yrs together 28 DC are grown- I do a range of hobbies through the week. I am so over cooking having dinner and watching a movie together. I'd rather do almost anything else. DH is quite happy to moulder on the sofa.

If it was an hour that many times a week I would be ok but if it’s until 10/11 you might as well be single! He’s taking the piss. You would see flatmates more.

I go to the gym 4 times a week but I go in the morning when Dh is fast asleep. It doesn’t get in the way of our relationship or things that I need to do at home.

What sport takes that long? A good compromise would be a maximum of three times a week.

But the op doesn’t get space to do her own thing with cleaning up after two people and trying to spend time with him. She should stop both of these, although then I think she’ll discover he’s not willing to step up or prioritise her.

I’d be very unhappy. His life choices are predicated on your labour. I’d separate out what I could and not do other things. His stuff in the bedroom- chuck in a box. Cooking - just for you. Laundry - just yours. I would arrange things for the dates he’s home rather than stay home to see him in his limited availability. Don’t prioritise a man who won’t prioritise you. It’s not your fault you’re out to dinner that night and it’s the only night he’s home, it’s his fault for not trying to make time with you. If he couldn’t understand that he is not owed your labour and your prioritising him while he returns crumbs, then we’d be done.

@SleepingStandingUp I agree. The problem is that if the OP is doing the majority of the housework whilst he is having a jolly time on his hobbies, he's unlikely to change his behaviour. He's having fun and coming home to a nice clean house too.
OP needs to sit down with him and tell him it needs to change.
If she gives him the chance to change but he doesn't, despite knowing how it is making her feel, then it's time to end the relationship.

but people don't want to live in a grot fest.

plates need cleaning. washing needs doing. basic cleaning is needed. basic tidying is needed. even at the minimum level, most people don't want to live in a shit tip

because you're putting the responsibility for all the cleaning onto the other person, which is bloody selfish.

oh I'll go out and have fun cos DP can do all the housework!

Well if i always knew it is part of them so it depends

@Missey85 Oh I completely agree. The issue is she is doing 80% of the housework whilst he clearly spends a huge proportion of his time on doing what he wants to. If she doesn't do it, who will? He should be doing his fair share.

He absolutely does his share of housework and our kids are teens now but school runs etc have always been 50/50 and he always makes the school pack lunches. I work from home so I probably do more housework but he walks the dog for 2 hours a day so I'd rather do the housework while he's out with dog. The hobby now pays the bills so thats a plus too.

So don't do it then? Some of you lot on here love to play the martyr 😊 to worried you'll upset someone just don't do it? Is someone holding a gun to your head? No then it's your decision