To ask if you'd be ok with your DP doing a hobby 3-5 evenings a week?

My home was immaculate before DC. It really didn't take much effort. Bathroom had a quick clean before I showered then a swill of the bath when I was done. Cleaned as I went whilst cooking then a quick wash of the pots afterwards, everything got put back in it's place straight away, it felt like it took no time at all. Weekends I'd do a deep clean which only took an hour because it had been kept on top of. What is happening to make you feel you need to be a home most evenings cleaning? Are you struggling with energy levels or motivation? Struggling to stay organised?

Not really.
That was me, and I am the female partner. And so were my girlfriends! Because I met a lot of friends, women and men to be fair, doing my sport.

|t can only go 2 ways: either you have a boyfriend/ husband who is self-sufficient and independent, and has his own hobby and is able to spend an evening home alone if he has nothing else planed. Not everyone likes to be out of the house 4 or 5 nights a week and that's absolutely fine.

I also had friends who trained first thing, but getting up to be ready for 5am every day meant evenings were very quiet too. It only work as a couple with supportive boyfriends

Or your boyfriend is into the same field and it's a complete non-issue because that's their life too. You also spend more time together which is nice.

I strongly disagree that it's a "men having hobbies, women doing chores" situation. However, if it's too much for you, it's fair, but you can't expect him to change his life completely. Why should he?

I would not mind at all if we had no kids and I'd find it off, controlling even if someone did. Even with kids I wouldn't mind. DH and I used to go to the gym most days at separate times when ours were little. He did really early shifts so would go when he finished work at 2 and I would go when the kids went to bed.

My xh was like this when we first lived together. I put up with it because I really loved him, but I wish I could go back and explain to previous-me that this is who he his, he'll never want to spend much time with you.

It would have been so hard to break up, as I loved him so much, but I needed a partner who wanted the same level of being together as I did.

The only reason 'society' expects it is because woman like you do it. Tell him to pull his own weight or fuck off.

I'm wondering how much housework there is for two adults who both work, and one is out most evenings?

Housework in a scenario of two working adults should be split, but that doesn't mean you need to do it at the same time. If you are just going ahead and doing it all when he isn't there, the problem is your management, you need to split things according to task. Then he can manage his part how he likes.

But I also wonder what you mean by "high standards." There is a point at which one person's desire for some kind of ultra clean doesn't obligate the other person to accept the same standard. Like - he probably does not need to be hoovering every day, if you want to do that, it's your thing. I can imagine if my partner expected that I might go out and do a hobby.

So I think we need some sense of what it is you think he needs to be doing.

My partner is out 3 nights a week (and a few early mornings) playing a sport. I don't mind in the slightest, it's great he has interests outside of work. If I felt he wasn't pulling his weight house wise I'd tell him and he'd probably hire a cleaner! I do do most of the cleaning but I don't mind as he does all the cooking and all his own ironing (and mine).

Does he tidy as he goes along? Do you keep the living room clear of clothes etc? I'm a place-for-everything and everything-in-its-place, no clutter, type person, but because of that, cleaning is easy. I've got a cockateil, which means daily hoovering. What do your high standards consist of? Pissing about with cushions/throws/candle/seasonal displays etc? As a woman I've never let housework dominate my life. Out, 3 nights a week is fine, 5 starts to push it. However it depends on what you want to do on those other evenings. My DP would turn me into his TV companion if I let him, at nearly 60, I consider myself too young for that.

Well it really depends. I mean have you actually said you think he's using too much if your limited free time on hobbies and you want to spend more time with him?
Broadly speaking i'd do what's possible to let my partner do what they enjoy & I don't think hobbies 5 days a week is necessarily a red line

Well that's a bit dismal isn't it? My main worry though would be that he's so wedded tonhis Important Hobby that little would change for him if they had kids - while the OP would now have about 10x as much on her plate.

No I would have too much respect for myself to be used for splitting costs and being free skivvy.

You are not his priority.
Men like this don't change with children, they get worse.

They make very selfish fathers.
You are wasting time, your time, on a man who is 100% suiting himself.

My dh often works till 10pm, his work is a bit like a hobby! 9pm would be an early finish.

I'm fine with it. We try and eat together at least once in the day. And have one day in the week for family/ couple time.

It was harder when the kids were younger. Now I can do my hobbies any / all evenings.

I am quite introverted though.

Get a cleaner

This! 100% - I personally wouldn't like it, and that's okay.

Before kids, no this wouldn't have bothered me as long as domestic labour felt fair.

I think the issue you have is that you have different expectations around domestic life and that needs a serious conversation, especially if kids are on the horizon.

Tbh we have always had a cleaner, even before kids. Otherwise we'd probably be divorced.

I think it's weird that someone would want to be somewhere else for the majority of the week instead of with their partner. A partner is supposed to be your favourite person, you're supposed to want to He with them!
Im not saying that couples should be joined at the hip - a hobby or seeing friends a couple of evenings per week is fine, but 5 out of every 7 is way too much. Particularly when he's leaving all the grunt work to you.
As a pp said, he knows the house doesn't clean itself, he knows he's being a lazy, selfish partner and he doesn't care enough to change it.

A good test is to tell him this is too much and ask him to cut down to 3 nights and see what he does. If he complains, calls you a nag or acts like you are unreasonable, then you know he isn't the right match for you and if you stay/have children, he's likely to continue to put himself first.

This relationship wouldn't be acceptable to me tbh.

Your own home isn’t society. If you don’t like it, change it.

Are they a competitor? Did you know about it when you got together? Why does your house need cleaning 2-3 nights they are out? Surely there are plenty of other nights/days they can be cleaning?

My DP did 4 nights a week and Saturdays at a sport before we had children. He was back before 7pm depending on the night though. We also split household chores 50/50 so I wasn't doing it all while he was out.
It was fine for us. I'd sometimes enjoy an evening to myself or see friends. I got hobbies that had me out 2-3 evenings a week.
Its not really what others think but what you are happy with

If we had no kids I could cope with 3 nights a week. I’d spend those nights on my own hobbies. But 5 is too much and I’d rather it was 2. Is it a couple of hour or all night into when you go to bed?

As long as he spent the weekend doing the housework.

What's the point of him? He's exploiting you and you barely see him. Does he enhance your life?

Yeah, no.
It's like that because instead of accepting only solid partners women just take any shit and then just go moan online about how society is unfair to women.
You are the society

I have ‘hobbies’ 3-5 times a week and sometimes full weekends and my DH is fine with it.

His ‘hobbies’ are only 2-3 times per week.

Don't lower the bar on the housework - raise the bar on your choice of man!

Pre kids is it was occasional or through peak season is not be too worried if that was their passion. Where I’d be concerned is what would happen if you plan to have kids, easy to say I’ll cut back, but if they don’t you can’t send the child back.