To ask if you'd be ok with your DP doing a hobby 3-5 evenings a week?

There’s your answer. No. He’s not pulling his weight.

I agree with you entirely! I think it sounds quite nice...

We worked a lot and had hobbies, I’m messy and dp took a long time to understand tidying. Our house was frequently a tip before kids.
now we have kids and it’s probably more organised but we also work very hard at it every day.

Was he like this when you were dating.

Why don't the two of you do all this cleaning on a Sat am together

are you both in full time work M-F ? surely the home doesn't get that dirty if no one is there thru the day ?

I am an adult. I am also a bit of a clean freak and I like "show homes' more than so called "lived in".

Never stopped me going out 5 or 6 nights evening and week before kids. And doing 1 load of laundry everyday for 2 people.

How much mess can one create that you actually need more than 2 hours a week at the grand maximum to maintain a clean and tidy house when people work full time and have no kids?

For me five days a week would be too much as you don’t get much time to spend together. I would also be concerned that if you do have children in the future it won’t change and you will end up doing everything on your own. Three days sounds okay as long as you can also get free time.

That’s the problem. Not the hobbies.

he needs to behave like an adult

i couldnt be in a relationship where this happened. My DH and I are equal partners

Yes, as long as I could do.too.

Please don’t lump your situation as a generalised view of ‘women’.
I don’t know anyone who does this. Women who take on most of it, also have a choice in it.

Look at your situation. Perfect example.

He’s showing you loud and clear that his hobby is a priority right now, without kids.
If YOU then CHOOSE to have a child with him and absolutely nothing changes, then you have made a choice about the situation you find yourself in. So don’t assume that poor little women are forced into these situations.

Without children, I think 3 nights per week is fine. I think 5 is a bit unkind as it suggests they don’t like prioritise time with you at all.

Is there a compromise so that he can do it most days but it doesn’t take up so much time? My DH practices golf in the garden midweek using a net and an electronic thing that measures his swing (thankfully we back on to fields!). He only plays a full round on a Saturday. That works for us and we both have an hour to do our own thing before having tea together.

Does your husband ever clean it?

Well, that's your choice.

Lot of people on this thread asking OP to justify the amount of cleaning she does! If it needs doing, it needs doing.

I agree with this, and If he did stay in, would you be talking or just scrolling on your phones

I wouldn't say he expects it, but i automatically do it because I don't want to live in a pig sty and have high standards

Ach, that was me & my ex. I'm female & ex was male. We broke up because I didn't meet his standards. When we didn't have kids, I would have been mostly fine if he had a sport ("hobby") he loved instead 3-5x/week, though. Can you join in at all, as watcher or helper? Different if you have childcare and can't join in, though, then 3x/week at very most would be tolerable.

On average is it 3 or 5?

5 nights some weeks and 3 weeks others I’d be ok. Particularly given there’s no childcare. But if it’s mostly 5 nights a week then no!

I'm not interested in the utility discussions. Just because a man cooks and cleans to an equal or greater extent than I do doesn't make him a good partner. What interests me is what you are doing at weekends together. Are you dating? Travelling together? If not, then what is the point of this relationship? Financial utility? Splitting the mortgage?

No one said that. You can do whatever you want, no one HAS to be out every night. However, you can't resent or complain against someone who does.
He shouldn't complain about you staying at home in the evening either (which he doesn't seem to be, just making the point)

If it's not the right match, think carefully if you want to stay in the relationship.

It needs to work for you both.

My worry would be that if we did have kids, he'd just carry on and leave me with all the evenings.

You sound incompatible. Is it the case that he sees cleaning as your job or that he doesn't have as high cleaning standards as you? Some people are quite happy to rarely hoover, clean bathroom etc. I could not live with someone who didn't want a clean house and for that reason the relationship would not last because I would get fed up of being the only person cleaning.

With respect, in a household without children, with one adult out most of the time, there must be very little housework to be done. You could blast it between you in an hour or two on a Saturday morning.

How much cleaning is there in a house with 2 adults, and one of them not there 3 or more evenings a week ? Surely the time required isn't that much ?

As others have said, your own tolerance for this will vary - but don't 'trap' yourself with overkill on housework, and make sure you have your own interests. Even if you're more of a homebody, staying home & crafting or reading or whatever is better than seething as you hoover

With no children, and presuming he's on top of his work, and does a proportionate share of chores, then it's up to him how often he goes out.