To ask if you'd be ok with your DP doing a hobby 3-5 evenings a week?

and what do you need to know?

Many of us would not need to clean their house several times a week with 2 full-time working adults.

If the OP wants to chill at home, it's her right, but who's expecting her to spend her evenings cleaning?

So you clean the house while he goes out to do his hobby? That should tell you all you need to know.

For the record I’ve not read the whole thread…
I split with the love of my life for this very reason.
He was gym and fitness 5 nights a week. I felt second best. Was 28 years ago and I’m married with kids but I still think and dream of him regularly.

No I wouldn’t like it at all.

is it that hard to comprehend that some people don't want to just sit down and watch tv but need to do some kind of activity most nights, without needing "affairs"?

it must be claustrophobic to live with people so insecure and obsessed with "affairs'.

If we didn’t have kids, I’d be fine with 3 nights a week, or more on occasion. I wouldn’t be happy with 5 nights on a regular basis.

So he is out 5 nights a week. Does he also work out of the house? How much cleaning is there required for it not to be a ‘pigsty’?

No kids involved then I wouldn’t be hanging this on an issue of sharing cleaning. And I wouldn’t stay in to clean. Do you want to spend more time with your partner OP?

It's up to you if you're compatible. I wouldn't mind at all. I'd love all the time to myself in the house. But are you spending time together at the weekend? Depends how old you are too and if you plan to build a family. Have you considered taking up one of his hobbies and doing something as a couple?

Unfortunately I agree,especially until10/11 at night.

I find it interesting that some posters feel it would mean their partner didn't want to spend time with them. I've just totted up and allowing for work (including getting ready) and hobbies we still spend 40% of our waking hours together. 10-12 hours of hobbies out of a possible 50 odd that we have to do what we want with each week seems a really good balance to me. I think the difficulty comes if you struggle to spend that time alone.
If you have childcare to account for it's a completely different situation. As some posters have said, it depends what the alternative is too, I wouldn't want to sit at home watching TV every night when we can be doing things that are more fun!
My mum did this for years, she didn't want my dad out every night but didn't want to do anything either. She just wanted him to watch TV with her.
There does need to be flexibility there too sometimes, we will both change plans if we have something else planned.

I wouldn't be ok with it no. Neither would my Husband though to be honest. We both feel like it’s important to make time for each other. Otherwise, what’s the point of living together if you spend up to 5 nights a week apart?

He’s not necessarily wrong, I’d just question your compatibility.

My partner swims every day. Has done since Covid with brief interludes with slightly less. Currently he does 6 days a week. Monday he goes at 8pm, Tuesday he goes straight from work and is back at 8pm, Wednesday he slips, Thursday straight from work but then he goes straight to his mums afterwards, Friday he goes at 6am, Saturday and Sunday he goes at 6.45pm.
so I do bed time on my own 4x a week.
we have 3 children, 16,7 and 2. Both work full time.
im ok with it really, and when im
not i say so and he pulls it back a bit for a while.

If, as you say, it's a competitive sport then it's not a "hobby". You can't just dip in and out in between hoovering, attendance at training and games is expected.

And anyway, spending time at home to be nagged about cleaning the house doesn't sound like a great night in tbh.

I have kids, so that's another level of chores and mess appearing out of nowhere 😂

But pre-kids, I have never felt responsible for shopping, cooking or cleaning for anyone else. I can keep my stuff tidy, I can put a bowl of soup in the microwave that I bought on my way home from the gym, I would have no interest in having to share 50/50 unwanted and unnecessary chores.
Package of my soup goes in the bin, the bowl and spoon in the dishwasher, it takes 30 seconds.

If DH was annoyed to have to do the clearing up because I had decided to cook a 3 course meal that no one asked for, I wouldn't have blamed him.

Now we have kids to feed, so it's no longer optional, sadly.

Is there the option of going to meet friends, or going away as a couple?

Because you often see it on here, one goes to the gym, but the alternative is to stay home and watch tv. Or cook diner that the one who is out would happily do without. It's rude to refuse the food cooked by your partner, but many people would just as happily grabbed something on the way home and not make a fuss about it.

If someone refuses to make plan and spend time with their partner, it's hurtful.
When they are getting negative comment when nothing was planned or happening anyway, it's a bit silly.

5 would be too many for me as you need find together & with friends as a couple.

But plenty on MNs seem to go to the gym daily despite work & small dc!

My husband of 20 years is out training 5 times a week a mix of early evening, later evening and Saturday mornings. He also goes to the gym 3 x a week. It hasn't always been this much, it has varied between twice a week plus gym and the current set up. We don't have children to worry about which would make a big difference for the early evening sessions but he can't drive for medical reasons so I drop him and pick him up from 3/4 sessions a week that are too far to walk.
We both work from home so we see each other early or late around this. I do my own hobbies or go to the gym, visit friends or I have the freedom to flake in front of the TV or do some work.
He works hard and its great for his mental and physical health as well as being social time for him. We share the load at home equally and still get plenty of time together so I don't have any issue with it.

@ExtraOnions Are you both retired?

Did you have a conversation before you moved on together where you outlined your standards on this and how he would have to contribute to housework to maintain those standards?

Mine in a birdspotter / moth & butterfly enthusiast.. he’s out most days. He was late in on Tuesday as he travelled miles to see something, he’s out now. Keeps him happy, i’m working so no skin off my nose.

I like him enjoying himself, my only worry is him burning in the sun

How much daily cleaning is there if he is out all the time?
Why dont you go out more or stop so much cleaning?
But looks like you not compatible
Call it off

Because both of you are responsible for your home fir shopping cooking cleaning up after dinner it sounds like only OP does this she's a servant not a partner

If he's not willing to clean, he can help pay for a cleaner

I think this is quite nuanced, OP. Is he flexible? Would he happily change plans if it was someone's birthday/play you want to see/social arrangement? Do you spend other nights together in date like situations?

Personally I like to do stuff and so does DH. We both do lots of activities on week night evenings and so does DD. Because we have kids we often do things at different times as a sort of tag team but now she is older/also runs, we often do some things together, which is really nice but I do also like my solo activities.

DH's ex does not do things that involve leaving the house much and is very interested in cleaning. I am not. We do what needs to be done on the house management front and most of it does happen in the hour before visitors arrive when we all get on it as a team. I have never not gone out because I haven't cleaned a bathroom and suspect this will only intensify as I age.

If DH suggested I should go out less to stay in and clean I would refuse. We do plan some things to do together and he will timetable his stuff early doors to fit with family stuff, but we are both committed to nobody missing out.

Is he inflexible? Do you share any interests? Is this new or was he always like that? What is the time you spend together like? I can't decide from your post if he is inflexible and inconsiderate or just training for a triathlon. These things are very different in my mind. Plus if I thought what DH was doing was pointless, I think it would feel different, and it would be very different if it wasn't reciprocated.

Are you considering children? He would have to make huge changes to his routine for that to work for you, I suspect. I would check this out before becoming pregnant. MN is full of posters who thought fatherhood would change this situation instantly and are very resentful when it didn't.

Tbf if he's out 5 days out of 7, he probably doesn't make 50% of the mess?
I wouldn't care but then I like my own space.