Could my husband’s recent behaviour point to dementia or something else?

Go to the GP with him and explain that he's changed personality and/or behaviour. The change from his normal level of cognition, functioning and engagement is a big concern.

The thing that stands out is that you have been full time carer for 11 years and recently gone back to work. Your DH might have found you the job but expected that you would continue to provide the same care in addition to working. Hence your child not wearing uniform to school or having proper meals is your ‘fault’.

TBH this sounds more like weaponised incompetence than dementia because it is selective. Work and personal care are fine but shared domestic chores are beyond him.

And now you are running around focusing on him when you really should be focusing on your disabled son.

Has this change in behaviour coincided with you going back to work?

I asked dh which schools he thought DS would be suitable for given he h dyslexia and ADHD

Dh complained that he wasn’t going to do anything again because I dismissed all of his suggestions within seconds

I only had to look at the names to know they weren’t appropriate. I pointed out that they were all girls only schools
He didn’t understand that “for Girls” meant For Girls only.

I could tell it wasn’t sinking in.

GP Won’t talk to you about another person. Tried it with. Now exh.

About a year later he was diagnosed with cancer

hi Surely - what you and OP you describe is what happened to my dad - he had FTD as well .
OP i really think you should go to the GP with a list of symptoms and talk through with them. I’m sorry but my alarm bells are going with what you describe - it sounds very like my dad.

I tried to edit but can’t.

The correct quote - I got this wrong - is that your son hears voices that tell him to do bad things. Not telling him to do bad things to others, as I said. It’s a serious matter so I am trying to be accurate.

I think that you need to stop worrying about your husband for the time being and prioritise reporting your son’s ‘voices’ to the GP (and police depending on what precisely he is telling you).

please would you confirm you will do this?

Hi OP. Some of this sounds exactly like my experience of dementia. My dad had frontotemporal dementia (FTD). It's rare but typically affects younger people (unlike Alzheimer's etc). My dad was 61. Doctors said he was depressed for years but it wasn't. He stopped communicating, wouldn't want to do anything at the weekend, complete lack of empathy, would do some really strange things or say things to my mum that were really abrupt, rude, hurtful etc and just really out of character. Nothing would really bother him - he'd just kind of shrug things off and withdraw. It took a long time for a diagnosis - my mum was back and forth to the doctor with him over and over. Because he was young and could pass the usual memory tests, doctors were so dismissive of dementia but forgetfulness (the first sign of many other forms) isn't how FTD manifests. It's behavioural and emotional changes first. God, my dad went to work for years and was masking the dementia so well. It was only at home when my mum noticed his personality changes and general withdrawal from life that she knew something wasn't quite right.

So many people saying it doesn't sound like dementia but there's every possibility it could be or it could be something else or nothing at all. Trust your gut, you know your husband best. If you can, get him to visit the GP.

Your husband’s condition is one thing but I am also concerned about your son.

You stated that your son tells you that voices tell him ‘to do bad things to people’. What sort of things?

That is something that needs to be acted on - please report it to the GP and police asap.

id talk to the gp about your concerns and they can get him in

That’s what I thought too.

It doesn't sound like dementia to me.

Depression? Depersonalisation? Checked out of the relationship? Autism?

If he won't address it or agree to therapy.. is this a relationship you want?

What are you doing complaining about the lack of sex when he allows your children to go hungry?

Why is child neglect not an automatic end of the marriage?

You say he's ok at work but otho a colleague had an accident at work caused by him? When was this? Could it be stressed of being sued causing him to unravel?

Having had a close relative with dementia nothing you have described sounds like that disease. It presented very very differently,

But I think a doctor has to tell you otherwise we are all just guessing.

Kind of sounds like he is hoping you leave him and that way it will be your fault not his.

I couldn't waste my life with someone who has totally opted out of family life.

The way I would have described my mother was fully functioning in some areas totally oblivious in many others apparently due to the part of her brain where the tumour was . Apparently could have been there years then suddenly increased in size and effects

Is your son autistic and inherited it from his dad? Just wondering if that's a possibility here.

I don't think it's dementia, it's just how he is. It's up to you if you're willing to accept that or not - but you're not going to change him, and you're just going to make yourself miserable by keep trying to.

It's not impossible but surely early onset dementia at 52 is rare? I would make him an appointment with the GP and go with him if possible. Relay your concerns and hopefully GP will refer him for tests, scans, bloods as necessary. His behaviour could be the result of depression/anxiety or another mental health issue. Is he working?

I think it could well be dementia of some sort. The fact he doesn't acknowledge it or try to deny it worries me. If he is deliberately doing it to abuse your DC or is just a very lazy sod and wants you to continue to wait on him, surely he'd try to deny it in an attempt to convince you he wasn't doing anything wrong so he could continue to be an AH and not lift a finger, or continue to abuse DS. Sadly the kind of apathetic no real concept he's doing it is very much how my mum was with dementia.

Does he work? Is he able to do his job?
Its weird him not eating. Does he not get hungry?
Does he wash and take of basic hygiene?