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Original poster

Could my husband’s recent behaviour point to dementia or something else?

58 replies

BlueJellycat · 23/07/2026 09:06

I'm getting fed up with husbands total lack of empathy. He has been like this for years but recently he is getting even more insular and selfish.

So for example he is OK but we but we don't do things together any more and that has creeped into lack of communication. He has sent ds into school with no uniform and insisted he didn't. I had to email school who confirmed ds went in non uniform. This was three days in a row. No thoughts of washing uniform or informing me.

He has ignored getting the dry washing in off the line and has left it for days ( new behaviour). Stopped engaging in buying weekly food ( new behaviour). And therefore sometimes theres no food. I have just gone back to work after being disabled ds carer for 11 years.

I have told him he has to step up, not down or I will have to resign. He agrees. Gets worse. He found me the job and wanted me to take it. I'm still struggling with my carers role and as above ds isn't being cared for.

I told dh that ds hears voices that tell him to do bad things. No reaction. No questions. No follow up conversation.

there's no discussion on dinner unless I initiate it. All of this week we haven't eaten together. He hasn't commented on that. Just been busy so dd has had beans on toast, ive had toast. He has had nothing. Normally we discus dinner every evening. When i didnt chase, family meals stopped.

all communication starts via me. Unless i ask whats for dinner, please get the washing in etc nothing happens. He hasnt moved the washing basket back to bathroom. Just leaves his clothes on the landing.

We had a chat and i said i wasnt sure i was happy in our marriage. He didnt comment at all.

He been not been able to get an errection for over two years. In all of that time he has been to the Dr's once. That was a year ago. The last time we had sex in April I told him to go the gp again. He didn't. Lots of excuses. He is so busy, we are bust, life is busy.

Now I honest think he has started to show signs of dementia. He keeps on saying he will try to engage more but in the last two weeks he has got worse. He dresses himself. Feeds himself and forgets there are school age children he normally cares for.

I told him this last night. Again no response. He is totally blank. He didn't seem worried at all.

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Original poster
BlueJellycat · Yesterday 09:10

I have also just realised that not once did he ask how the sleepover for 8 he arranged went. I did leave everything for him to clear up. The living room where they slept remains untouched which I will not touch

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Original poster
BlueJellycat · Yesterday 08:58

I was more conscious of what he said to me last night and my replies. Because I didn't start any conversations and only gave closed responses. He asked me if I wanted a cup of tea and told me he going to buy a ready meal for dinner. We normally talk about what's for dinner but maybe I always initiate that?

I asked his mum if she thought he was taking part in conversations with her and talking to her. I could tell she was feeling defensive of him and wouldn't reply to any questions about his cognitive ability. But sgsin as I was being quite snd observing, he only gave her one word answers and didn't start any conversations with her either. I made myself scarce so he could entertain snd interact with her. From what I could see he did neither.

She was saying to his brother on the phone that she was hoping dh would spend some quality time with her ( he is working every day that she is here) so let's see if he is around and present at the weekend.

So I can't get him to see a GP. He has no friends and his family never see him. His mum is over for a week from abroad and we only see her once every few years. She won't comment on his inability to converse eith her. So that's it I guess. When you have a tiny world who would notice if your in cognitive decline?

So many things are in hs name and password protected that he won't share the details of either me. I really need to concentrate on getting those details off of him asap

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Original poster
BlueJellycat · 06/08/2026 12:27

Dh has no dreams, ambition, hobbies or friends. But he used to be engaged with me. Or at least I thought he was. Maybe he wasn't really. It's hard to think back to that as it's been so long. I'd never look at him twice if I met him today. We have zero in common. He has no depth to him either. No deep thoughts or musings.

His mum.said to him earlier on in the week that he wasn't ambitious as a teen or young man and he got indignant. But he has no qualifications at all and only had minium wage jobs. He now has been in the same job at the same grade for over 30 years and been passed over for promotion 4 times. Someone who wasn't even doing his job for two years got promoted over him. So then you wonder if it's insight or awareness.

We have a nice house. Because I'm a graduate and worked in IT for two decades, got a redundancy package and my parents inheritance.

He hasn't worked for his life. I don't think he can even realise that?

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HisCrapatheticIntentions · 06/08/2026 11:07

To add, my husband is definitely autistic and has high demand avoidance and poor executive function. He's also incredibly low on empathy. He used to at least put a little effort in to work round his difficulties, but since I was first pregnant he has got worse and worse. The last couple of years have really been horrific. Also coinciding with me studying for an additional qualification...

There is definitely an undercurrent of misogyny there. He denies this but it is too obvious to ignore. I think there is an element of Madonna-Whore type of thinking that looks more like wife=(his)mother, but primarily he respects men but not women, and certainly shows me no respect.

Fundamentally he is a barely functioning human being who gives all his efforts to work and brings his husk home, and he sees nothing wrong with this. He has no friends, hobbies, thoughts, dreams, or drive and seems perfectly happy for things to stay as they are indefinitely.

If there is an element of depression he denies it, and he would not seek treatment or do anything to improve it. He's a ghost in his own life. I understand how awful it is to live like this and you have my sympathy.

Original poster
BlueJellycat · 06/08/2026 11:03

@HisCrapatheticIntentions you sound very similar to me. Pm me if you want to chat. If there is anything wrong it will only come to light in a medical emergency I think. Like a medical crisis. I'm going to ask his mum if he has had any meaningful convo with her today and maybe broach this with her.

Maybe he has got autism or adhd like the kids as I here that gets worse with age.

He is a trades man but also does trade work in the house. The sink is tempting onto the patio. So now there's food waste. He earns very little but I have to pay a handyman over twice what he earns if not 4 times.

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HisCrapatheticIntentions · 06/08/2026 10:43

He sounds horrendous, and also very familiar. If you ever find out if there's an underlying cause please do report back here. I keep sending my husband to the GP as it feels like there is something medical going on. But perhaps they're both just shits?

The cost of living crisis/aftermath of Tory misrule traps me here for now, with little chance of escape in the mid-term due to the additional time/money costs of our children's particular needs. I keep trying to talk with him to no avail but he is incredibly avoidant and dismissive, and thinks his apparently good intentions somehow nullify his crap behaviour and the outcomes that create so much extra work for me.

I'm seeing a therapist but it's somehow making everything even harder to tolerate and I'm feeling completely burnt out at the moment. I have very clear boundaries with my husband around a number of areas which are as strictly adhered to as I can but it's like he keeps forgetting they are there. I'm basically refusing to make things right after he messes up, he's supposed to deal with the aftermath himself. But he somehow always finds a way to not deal with things - be it urgent work, seemingly forgetting all about it, asking the children to do things, or just leaving it for a later that never comes. I'm at the point where I despise him, and dream of a lottery win.

Original poster
BlueJellycat · 06/08/2026 09:38

He's never been great with personal hygiene. I have told tod him to get booked into a dentist as he hasn't been in 26 years. His breath is horrendous buy there's a multitude of excuses. I'm surprised no one has taken him aside at work as he rarely brushes his teeth.

I think all I can do is mentally check out. Which is what I have been trying to do but things like the sleepover really rile me up and I can't ignore those things as it's my home, my personal space and I'm not deemed to be relevant even though he isn't here and I'm the one sorting it right now

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OneFunGreyFish · 06/08/2026 05:57

That's awful. And you're right to be concerned. Again you can't really get him to change if you have already floated something as serious as divorce and he still won't get an mental health assessment. I really don't know what else you can do apart from try to quiet quit the marriage until you can properly leave. Yeah not taking you about a massive sleepover is crazy. Does he have other symptoms such as lack of sleep, neglecting self care such as showering less?

Original poster
BlueJellycat · 06/08/2026 04:24

OneFunGreyFish · 28/07/2026 02:57

Look I could sit here and say it's all his fault or yours and just divorce him right? But what does that achieve more than you already know. There is a serious communciation problem between you both, is he afraid of talking to you about things or are you? Do either of you blow up or criticise the other person's thought process or ideas a lot? He is trying to AVOID any communication with you and you need to find out why. Just ask him, point blank say, you are avoiding me and I want to know what's going on.

He is not coping for some reason. But he's got to be a big boy and actually do something about it, you can't save him.

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I have tried talking to him multiple times. Told him I'm not happy and we can just split up as both miserable and he can't engage enough even to co parent and he insists he doesn't want that. He will change and try harder.

But yesterday I found out one hour before I had 8 girls coming for dd sleepover. I knew there was a sleepover but not for eight. So I got "I thought dd would tell you" "I did tell you this" then " I sorted it with dd so you didn't need to know it's sorted"

He absolutely can not see why I'd need to know. Rather than say sorry I cocked up, yes this is a example of how bad our communication is. It's my fault or dds fault.

I do feel it's a very basic level of communication as is at work tomorrow while I have to clear up after 8 kids. Feed them and there was no room for them in the first place. He hadn't cleared out any room for theirs beds for the sleepover.

So I'm unreasonable in wondering how having 9 kids sleeping in the living room needs to be discussed. It seems these things don't come up in normal conversations. So he seems like he is actively choosing to hold things back from me.

I have asked if we can get divorced but still Co parent and he doesn't want that. Insists he is changing while getting more and more withdrawn from me. His mum is staying ( 15 people in the house sleeping right now) and I haven't seen him converse with her once)

I sent him this link. He didn't read it.

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Chalotte · 28/07/2026 03:03

Awful for you, OP. I suggest ringing the Admiral helpline. You can speak for free to an experienced mental health nurse who will talk you through DH's symptoms and suggest what to do. Something is very wrong.

OneFunGreyFish · 28/07/2026 02:57

BlueJellycat · 26/07/2026 10:08

Dd is going up to secondary and needs a £37 kilt. Some told me to just buy one. She would be going into school 4 out of five days in jeans.

Also now I work I can't pick dd up. Rather than sit down and talk about how the school run will work, dh just booked leave to pick her up. No discussion at all with me. I asked him.how this is sustainable. No reply. I'm earning less than him.and it's putting his job in jeopardy. No thought process there. I could ask to change my hours - no, easier to ignore that convo.

It's so many multiple things it's making life very hard.

Look I could sit here and say it's all his fault or yours and just divorce him right? But what does that achieve more than you already know. There is a serious communciation problem between you both, is he afraid of talking to you about things or are you? Do either of you blow up or criticise the other person's thought process or ideas a lot? He is trying to AVOID any communication with you and you need to find out why. Just ask him, point blank say, you are avoiding me and I want to know what's going on.

He is not coping for some reason. But he's got to be a big boy and actually do something about it, you can't save him.

OneFunGreyFish · 28/07/2026 02:54

He sounds unhappy, you both do. Life with a disabled child can be gruelling and it sounds like he can do nothing right in your eyes (and probably with good reason, he sounds a bit hopeless). It's a vicious cycle. He could have low T, be depressed, be really unhappy in your marriage and you probably are too. Unless HE wants to change though nothing will change. I would have a really frank conversation with him and just lay it all out.

Surelyitscoffeetimenow · 26/07/2026 12:32

@BlueJellycat if it is FTD, my dad was able to mask dementia for, what we think was, years. He'd go through the motions and routine of work etc so on the face of it he appeared normal. He did have a bit of a strange sense of humour so when he'd make strange comments, people would be like ok! The main symptoms were lack of empathy and loss of interest in life, basically. In all honesty, my mum thought he had checked out of the marriage and they were heading for divorce. It was only really when it progressed did she think it was something else. He never had memory problems so people didn't notice. My mum had him back and forth at the doctor and they kept saying it was depression. FTD is really rare so even the doctor didn't know about it and nobody else picked up on his symptoms.

As I say, FTD is really rare and the symptoms do often appear like depression. On balance it's far more likely to be depression than FTD and I only tell you our experience so you can keep it in mind.

Hairyfairy01 · 26/07/2026 11:57

He doesn’t sound well. Can you make a gp appointment for him and go to it together? Maybe bullet point your concerns in writing so you can give them to the GP. Has he had any mental health issues previously?

Unpaidworkmakestheeconomytick · 26/07/2026 10:58

Sounds to me like he is used to you picking up all the slack and the sudden increase in his parental duties due to you going back to work has completely overwhelmed him. His behaviour is very similar to the father of my grandchildren who has adhd and is dyslexic.
My only advice is to arrange your lives so that it suits and functions well for you and the children and your husband’s needs fit in around that. Make that as drastic as it needs to be.

Original poster
BlueJellycat · 26/07/2026 10:49

I told him I wasn't sure if loved him last week. He said nothing at all. He is still here and it's like nothing was said. I don't feel any connection to him anymore. He seems fine with that.

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bluebeck · 26/07/2026 10:43

I don’t think this sounds like dementia, more like severe depression or he is just a horrible selfish man. You know him best.

What would he say or do if you said you wanted to separate?

Original poster
BlueJellycat · 26/07/2026 10:36

I took dd to a park to meet friends ten miles from home. Dd said if I took her and went home then dad could come out a few hours later to pick her up. So I stayed close by instead to do two drives rather than 4.. dispite the fact I didn't come home, dh didn't wonder where I was or call me and picked her up anyway. Then I start wondering if maybe this is all my fault?

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Original poster
BlueJellycat · 26/07/2026 10:08

Dd is going up to secondary and needs a £37 kilt. Some told me to just buy one. She would be going into school 4 out of five days in jeans.

Also now I work I can't pick dd up. Rather than sit down and talk about how the school run will work, dh just booked leave to pick her up. No discussion at all with me. I asked him.how this is sustainable. No reply. I'm earning less than him.and it's putting his job in jeopardy. No thought process there. I could ask to change my hours - no, easier to ignore that convo.

It's so many multiple things it's making life very hard.

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Original poster
BlueJellycat · 26/07/2026 10:01

Lightnomore · 26/07/2026 09:53

Could be. The uniform thing is similar to my Mum’s early stage dementia.

Could he be undiagnosed autistic ( especially as you say he’s always had low empathy)? Lots of wives of autistic men say their autistic behaviour gets worse as they age. Some of the behaviour you describe is very reminiscent of autism

Yes this is very possible. At least two of our four has Autism. He got very offended like that was offensive. I thought that was upsetting as he clearly sees the kids ASD as something he didn't want to be associated with.

I asked the gp if I can go for right to choose for ASD and Adhd tests as peri is killing my executive functioning too. But I can still cope with dressing and feeding the kids. Eating a evening meal

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Original poster
BlueJellycat · 26/07/2026 09:56

Yes I think I will reach out to a helpline. The thing about him ignoring our son hearing voices is also really bizarre. Say he didn't care for ds and there was no love at all. Most people would be interested insharing a house with someone with psychosis or schizophrenia? Or at least intrigued? He has zero interest. He has never once asked me one thing about that.

If I push him.on things like that he denies it. Like I have asked him a million times for his passwords. He tells me I have them. I dont

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Lightnomore · 26/07/2026 09:53

Could be. The uniform thing is similar to my Mum’s early stage dementia.

Could he be undiagnosed autistic ( especially as you say he’s always had low empathy)? Lots of wives of autistic men say their autistic behaviour gets worse as they age. Some of the behaviour you describe is very reminiscent of autism

herbalteabag · 26/07/2026 09:47

I am no expert in dementia or anything else, but a few things stand out as being beyond him making a choice not to engage. Especially feeding himself and the school uniform, they should both just be automatic.
Maybe you could try ringing a helpline like a dementia helpline for some advice?

Original poster
BlueJellycat · 26/07/2026 09:32

Dispite him saying on Friday he would see the gp, nothing is booked. He said he will ring at the end of next week after we come back off holiday. I asked him.to book to see the gp about his ED in April. He isn't going to ring them I'm certain of that.

I think I will keep a diary in case things get worse. His mum is staying with us at the beginning of August so I might mention it to her but she is very difficult person. Dh had the option of booking that week off to see her or booking next week off to go to Devon. We already have a fortnight booked in Spain in August but still booked this over seeing his mum who is getting on and lives in Asia. He hasnt seen her in two years and shows no interest in her either. So has left me to entertain her for the week k owing she has been spectacularly rude to me in the past.

I'd put this all down to him to being selfish and emotionally frigid. But he wasn't always like this. But as it's been getting worse for so long I'm not I can remember when he was last himself? It's become so normal recently.

If it was FTD surely after a few years others would notice? But he has no friends ( never has) and isn't close to his family ( dad brother or mum). He says he has friends at work but they just collegues. He has never been out for drink outside of work events.

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