Feeling unsupported by friends after my mum died earlier this month

Call your friends one by one, reconnect. It is not they are unsupportive but they have busy lives and other things taking their attention. They are not mind readers, just call them x

So sorry for your loss, your heart must be breaking xx

Very sorry for the untimely loss of your DM. It sounds like she meant so much to you.

Grief can be a very lonely place. Other people's lives just roll on and often they don't seem to realise what support just being there with a phone call or a catchup can mean. Grief is a time when you really need to be able to lean on others and let them hold you up.

It's particularly hurtful when you have been supportive to others and then you get nothing back. I don't think your view is distorted. I think it's uncaring of your friends.

Perhaps reach out to the ones who sent a card / called as they have shown themselves to at least have some empathy.

Give yourself some love and care too. Take time to grieve and seek out places and activities that feel restful and healing.

Take care x

Sorry for your loss, OP. Be kind to yourself. I suspect @Hotpants123 is right, and that your own intuition that your friendships drifted a bit because you were consumed with caring for your mother and two small children, is also correct. Suddenly you have more free time now that you no longer having the same caring responsibilities and would like to see friends, but they’ve been used to you not being around to meet up, and probably have no idea that’s what you’d like. You’re going to have to communicate your needs.

I am so sorry you have lost your Mum @Bereft22

I think sometimes people do not know what to say and so avoid the recently bereaved. When I lost my Mum I can remember a lady who I had known for years crossed the road to avoid speaking to me. She waved at me from the other side and I was tempted to 'wave' back.

Look after yourself 💐

People don't send cards as much these days. But I think folk sometimes wait for a bit till you get in touch with them. As they might think you're not up to meeting. So get in touch with them. They'll be pleased to hear from you.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this loss and are grieving, I found I felt emotions far more strongly and swinging quite wildly in the early weeks and months. You can feel disappointment in friendship you'd hope would be reciprocated, sometimes it's a useful calibration to work out which people are actually there for you through the hard times, comfort comes from the strangest places and in unlooked for places sometimes.

I'd try reconnecting with people, ask if they can meet for a walk and a chat - start with those you trust the most. I know it's wearing, I know you wish people were there, but grief has a horrible trick of convincing you of the anticipation of emotional pain and rejection is the same as the grief you're feeling, the "sod you lot" feeling is instinctive self protection, the picking up the phone is you growing and navigating your grief - perfectly fine for you to swing between both in the early stages.

Wishing you love and strength, it is a brutal loss especially when the relationship is more complicated.

Some people can really let you down at times like this, it’s very upsetting. One (previously) close friend texted me a few days after my mother died, saying he’d ring me the following week. 3.5 years later, that phonecall still hasn’t come.

When the chips are down, you’ll find out who your true friends are.

im sorry for your loss. Take all the time you need to grieve.

I had a friendship end for this reason, my former friend felt i wasn't supportive enough after her parents death from Cancer. But she was so deep in her own grief I don't think she realised how much I was going through in my own life.

Losing someone is all encompassing and it can be hard seeing others continue as normal when your own world has been ripped apart but you need to balance that with understanding that this only affects you. Other people have plenty of stuff going on that they are dealing with too. You may be being selfish in your expectations of others

Yep, people can be unbelievable. Becoming a widow was a real eye opener for me. I'm so sorry for the loss of your mum OP, especially as she was only in her sixties. All I can say is that I'm sending you love and hugs.

I'm so sorry about your Mum, that is quite young. I've had cancer and it was surprising who was in touch as they cared, who was in touch for gossip and who avoided you like it was catching. It was an excellent evaluator of friendships.

I think some people don't know what to say or how to act is they've not been through it themselves. Some people seem to avoid anything negative often due to fear or just wanting happiness in their lives. A lot of people with young kids have very busy lives and can be snowed under with everyday life.

I would reach out to them if you want to continue the friendships and suggest activities. It may also be worth getting a counsellor to chat to for support. Sending you love. I did find new friends came along though some people only seem to want to be friends when things are going well and some only when your life is worse than theirs. The friends that were cool I did keep them but at arms length and when on steroids in chemo I did tell one exactly what I thought of her behaviour.

I lost my OH and do get where you are coming from. I honestly think some people just can't handle any talk of death and, even when they do care, they just do not know what to say and fear your reaction.
It sounds as though you are good at this and have been able to say and do the right thing for your friends in similar situations. It is a gift. Well done.
I am sorry that you have lost your mum so young. It sounds as though you have lovely memories to treasure x

I’m so sorry about your mum. Could it be that your friends are waiting for a sign from you to help support you . Sometimes when people know their friends have got stressful or traumatic lives they wait for the sign because they don’t want to bring any more stress on them

People are just crap. The ones who matter show up, the ones who don’t - don’t give them another thought. I remember who came to DF’s funeral and will be forever grateful. I also remember those who couldn’t be arsed.

I am so sorry for your loss. I do find it awful how little we show up for each other nowadays.

Do reach out one by one to your friends to arrange a coffee etc.

Yes people do send cards. Look in the shops, they wouldn't be on sale if they weren't selling. So sorry for your loss OP.

Sorry for your loss OP.

I am also sorry to say that sometimes we see the reality if life. Often after a traumatic experience such as a bereavement.

People can be great but ultimately we are on our own. Its best not to expect too much of other people IME.

I’m so sorry for your loss. And it sounds as if you’ve been stretched for a while with many areas of life competing for your resources. To offer another perspective, for some people the death of a parent is seen as the normal run of things. And if you’re an adult there’s an understanding that you’ll cope. I’m not saying that’s right or wrong but for some people the death of a parent doesn’t have a strong emotional ‘punch’ and so it doesn’t occur to them to check in or provide support to others who have lost a parent. These beliefs are often shaped in people as young children and impact on how they respond to death of parents. This perspective might allow you to feel slightly less letdown by others. Your mum was very special to you and I’d encourage you to be kind and gentle towards yourself right now, offering yourself the care and kindness that will soothe. Wishing you well.