How can I politely decline a family holiday invitation?

The thing with all these excuses is that they leave the door open to more invitations in the future, when her DH has recovered/hasn't already got something booked, etc.

I've had a few of these invitations over the years and I always say "lovely of you to invite us but we are a little bit precious about our holidays and never go away with anyone". And then reiterate again how much you appreciate the invitation and hope they have a lovely time.

I very politely declined a group holiday with a good friend (10+years) once. And she never spoke to me since! Weirdo.

Basically any response here is adequate. Any sane person realise a joint holiday is a big ask and wouldn’t reasonably be offended if someone says no, simply because they don’t want too.

Bring it up - don’t wait, as then looks like you’re avoiding it.

“the other day you mentioned holiday. I’ve been giving it a bit more thought and I’m afraid we will need to give it a miss. With DHs recovery i think we would be better suited to a quiet family break…”

”just picking up from the convo the other day. In hindsight I think I was a bit premature saying yes. We already have a family holiday booked and we are just having the one trip this summer.”

or wait and say “oh sorry totally slipped my mind. Lots going on. I am sorry but actually we won’t be able to make it work this year due to ADHD recovery. We aren’t wanting to commit not knowing how ur will feel.”

etc etc

I would probably not use a particular reason because it just invites them to try again next year or say they'll put the dog in kennels (but then, likely, be "unexpectedly" unable to when the time comes) or something.

I'd say something along the lines of "I talked to DH about it, but we've decided we want to stick to a just our own family for holidays." and then, suggest another coffee meet up.

With someone who you've never really spent time with who asks you to come on holiday with their family like she has you need really strong boundaries. So if, as it seems, you are not great at saying no, practice phrases like "I'll have to think about it." or "Not really my cup of tea." so you don't keep saying things like "That would be nice." when it isn't.

☹️ So sorry to hear that, @sweatybettytoday. Maybe you'll feel more able to go wild camping in the future, as your healing progresses. ❤️‍🩹 💐

For OP, the thing about using the cancer as the reason is the friend will think they're raring to go on holiday with them in the future! 🤣 I think all us British people should practise simply saying that we don't enjoy X. "We don't enjoy going on holiday with other people." At least that way, it doesn't feel personal, and shuts down any future approaches!

I had a friend who always used to invite me to the opera, which I didn't like back then. I used to wrack my brains trying to come up with excuses, but finally one day I just said "I don't like opera and I wouldn't enjoy it." So simple!

I think framing something as being a thing you wouldn't or don't enjoy is less abrupt and more understandable than saying you don't want to, or saying something more vague like "I have plans" or "that won't work for me," which can come across as stand-offish.

I think the whole "it won't work for us" line is a bit mealy-mouthed and a bit off-putting. Sounds a bit formal. I would honestly just say that we don't like going on holiday with other people.

Play the C card all the way! I’ve just had my 1year scan and all clear but I’m still feeling the affects of chemo and camping is a big no no for me at the moment as I just want comfort! (I used to wild camp before cancer)

It’s definitely a useful response for people you want to shut down or keep at arm’s length. But if you’re looking for a polite way to decline, this isn’t really it I don’t think.

Yes this is it, and a much clearer way if explaining - if course it is a reasonable response, but if I heard it I would think that this person does not wish to have a relationship with me. A friend I would be explaining why

Would it be worth messaging her rather than waiting for an awkward face to face?

It’s not just because you’re not British. If someone I thought was my friend said “sorry, but that won’t work for me” about an invite without giving an explanation, I’d think this person doesn’t like me and doesn’t want to accept the invitation. If you did, you explain why you can’t accept. That’s why I said earlier I think it’s only a useful response for people you don’t intend to have a future relationship with.

In this case, since this woman isn’t really a friend it might work, but it still would come off a bit “f-off” imo.

weird...if I am offered a biscuit that I don't want I say no thank you.

Why on earth did you say yes??? Unless I was very close to them, I couldn’t imagine going on holiday with any of DD friends families.
Yes you need to shut this down quick style, and probably apologise for making her think it would happen. You don’t have to mention the dog. My nephew is just finished medical treatments, not cancer but similar in that it involved stem cell transplant and he is currently immunocompromised and can’t go on holiday until he is finished treatment and can have all his jags again.
‘I’m sorry I shouldn’t have said we’d go on holiday without thinking it through properly. With DS cancer treatment we just can’t take the risk’

Maybe it's because I'm not British but I find outright no with no reasoning sounds much ruder, however much you dress it up "kindly". It is pretty common to give reasons isn't it? Would you like a biscuit? " Oh no thanks I've just eaten/don't like biscuits/am on a diet." Not just "no a biscuit won't work for me".

Perfectly reasonable and unarguable to tell her your actual reasons though - you don't want to holiday with a dog/your husbands health/you think it might be a bit much togetherness for the boys/you prefer to holiday as a family

This is great

Ask yourself what would Nancy do?

Sorry, you’re worried about saying that you don’t want to go on holiday to somebody that you don’t know very well and whose husband you only know by sight. Oh and they have a dog you don’t like.

What has happened to people, just say no firmly and clearly.

'Hi, I've had a chat with DH about going away and we really don't think it will work for us, with his treatment and his day to day health being so up and down at the moment. Not a great time to commit to anything. Thanks for the offer. Hope you find something wonderful.x.'

Stick to either the DH reason, or the dog reason for now, anything else will just invite more attempts..

"Thank you so much for the idea, but because of how afraid of dogs DS is it wouldn't be fair to arrange anything all together."

or

"Thank you for the idea, but I've spoken to DH and we've decided it's not a good idea to commit to anything while his treatment is ongoing."

Be prepared next time!!

I'm all for plain speaking, but that's a tricky one for OP to pull off when her immediate reaction was "Oh that would be nice'!

The honest thing would be, as @Friendlygingercat says, that now you've discussed it with the family you've realised it's just not possible. Sorry, it was so nice of you to think of us.

If she's so cloth-eared as to ask Why not? you cite DH's cancer and DC not being comfortable with their dog. In a firm not apologetic way!

Don’t lie. Just say you’ve been thinking about it and want to go just as a family. That’s perfectly reasonable

This one. Polite and definite, no reasons or excuses. Rinse and repeat.

You politely decline on the grounds of DH health , close the conversation down before she starts booking and paying deposits

Blimey it's so odd to invite you on a week away when you haven't even spent much time in each other's company ... no bbqs or dinners, or a weekend away!

I'm concerned that the other family has a dog that aggressive and needs a muzzle, one which 'nips' people at home. That's reason enough not to go. If she mentions it again I would say pretty much what you've said here: DH is unwell (you could say you just want a quiet holiday with the family to help him relax and get through treatment); and also your son is scared of the dog. Now it seems DS isn't that into the friend. Whatever you do, don't people-please. You owe them nothing. Just calmly and in a friendly manner state your reasons.