How can I politely decline a family holiday invitation?

Probably not, but presumably the OP knows whether her DH is one of those people and it seems he isn’t as she told the woman it would depend how he is (which sounds like she already knows?)

I wouldn’t be bothered and my DH wouldn’t be bothered - I don’t think health problems should have any shame or stigma attached to them, although I’m sure there are plenty of people that would disagree.

Am I the only person who would not be happy with my health conditions being shared with people I barely know, if at all.

Yes this is true, I am basing it on this thread I suppose - not meaning to unfairly malign all British people!

I should say, it appears from this thread that some mumsnetters seem to find providing any explanation so awkward/onerous that they approach it in a way that seems more rude to me than just being honest.

Why is 'sory we have a lot on' or some other simple one line reply not enough Why do people need to come up with long explanations

you keep saying British people but I’m Scottish and never had people answer like what’s being suggested, I’d find it rude too, no one needs an explanation but it softens it and is more polite. If someone just said no thank you I’d be a bit taken aback tbh

Geez, this doesn't even require a spine. Just thank her for the lovely thought, but "no, we have a few other considerations right now". Don't mention the dog.

You realise her husband has probably said, "Why the hell have you asked them? I don't even know them!"

I'd just message and say, "That holiday sounds great but my husband's undergoing cancer treatment and he'll have a lot of hospital appointments so we'll just stay home this year." I think there would be relief all round.

I would forget about it if you think it was a very casual suggestion but if you think she might actually book somewhere without further discussion I would want to preempt that. "I've been thinking about your idea of our families taking a holiday together but we really can't plan anything just now because of DH's health."

I really don’t think British people think it’s rude to explain why they can’t accept an invitation. It’s because there are so many self confessed “people pleasers” on here squirming about how to say no to people, it’s become a MN thing to say “sorry that doesn’t work for me” as a way of shutting down invitations you don’t want to accept.

And that’s why it comes off as rude imo. Because it’s basically saying “I don’t want to and I’m not going to explain why”. And if your aim is to shut people down that you have no interest in engaging, it’s perfectly valid. But if you’re looking for a way to actually politely decline an invitation in a way that wouldn’t potentially sour the relationship, then I think it’s normal to offer an explanation. I can’t imagine an actual friend or family member responding with “sorry that doesn’t work for me.” in real life.

Again, it’s up to the OP what level of relationship she wants with this woman (who does sound a bit lacking in boundaries) but she’s asked for a polite way to decline, so I think she’s looking for something a bit more than “no thanks”.

Imagine someone saying “Do you want to come for dinner at the weekend?” And you just go “No thanks,” with no explanation. I think most British people would take that as a slap in the face - polite as “no thanks” might be to the offer of a biscuit. It’s not the same thing is it?

I'm not saying it's required, I'm saying it's friendly. And if they're not friends, fine I guess it doesn't matter. I felt earlier it was presented as the kinder/politer option , that is what I am disagreeing with.

British people seem to feel it is rude to say why they don't want to do something, I am from a country that British people often call blunt - but I find "no we'd hate to travel with a dog" more open and polite than "you're so kind but that wouldn't work for me"

Look, no one is suggesting the OP snap 'No!' and change the subject, but I think your idea that an explanation is required for any refusal suggests you're overly concerned with what other people might think of you. It's fine not to offer excuses.

And this woman isn't the OP's friend -- they've only met a few times for coffee. Their children are only newish friends. It's not a usual thing to ask someone you've only met a few times if they want to go on holiday together for a week. Neither of them has even met the other's partner/spouse. The OP doesn't need to come up with excuses to soften her refusal.

I don't mean it's a requirement re biscuits, just that it seems natural to explain things. Same with the holiday - of course she can say "that won't work for me" or similar, but if I was told that it would sound unfriendly and rude to me, someone who didn't want to be a friend. A friend I feel would give more detail.

And of course it may be this is indeed the message the OP wants to convey! In which case, crack on. But it seemed to be being presented as the more polite option, which it doesn't seem to me to be

Absolutely this.
Most people don't go on holidays with family not to mind randomers with an angry dog.
Jesus OP!

Thanks for the suggestion, I think a week away would be too much for all involved. It's a nice idea, we would love to have a day out with you so Adam and Charlie can have some time together, how about going to X place over the summer holidays?

I think considering you don’t really know each other that well & the kids friendship is still quite new, it was a strange suggestion on her part. Start with a BBQ or a day out somewhere with both families but to jump straight into a holiday, I think that’s weird.
All you need to say is sorry but we’ve had a difficult year & we need a break as a family this year & wont be able to join you. You don’t need to elaborate anymore than that & if the Mum takes it badly, it’s a her problem, you don’t need to feel any guilt.

No, your way just sounds as if you’re desperately trying to placate someone by over-explaining. I’ve never in my life felt the need to explain why I don’t want a biscuit.

Just say as a family we are not in a position to go on a joint holiday for some years. My partner would not be comfortable due to some side effects, and he gets the final say atm.OP my sister is having treatment and this is her stance. Sending positive tto your family.💕

Text her.

Hi Muriel, I’ve been thinking about your suggestion of a joint holiday. While it sounded fun in the moment, I’ve thought about it and talked it through with DH and it isn’t going to be possible for us for a whole host of reasons, not least of which is DH’s ongoing medical care. I wasn’t entirely sure if you were being serious or not but I didn’t want to leave you hanging, if you were.
Looking forward to catching up with you next week.

Politely decline, your reasons are completely understandable and I can see how you were caught on the hop. Husband's health would be my main reason in turning it down and I would couch your reasons for doing so around that.

just say no thanks
uhhh mention of a dog puts me off
be straight up and decline - say you relish time with your own family because of work blah blah

Absolutely - how hard is it to find a partner you can actually live harmoniously with? And there’s still regular annoyances for most people even then. Other people’s kids, other people’s parenting - I don’t think we’re designed to be in such close proximity with all that!

Group holidays are my idea of hell. Going on holiday with people you barely know is a recipe for disaster. My DC have absolutely lovely friends but that doesn’t mean we go on holidays together. If one of the mums suggested it in similar circumstances to what the OP has described I’d find it very odd. It’s because I value my friendships I wouldn’t go on a group one as I know I’d hate it. I’d just say we like to go by ourselves and do our own thing.

Agree but most people would hear it’s polite and leave it and sense not to ask again. If she asks again that’s when you close it down. Next summer holidays are a year away, likely different dynamic by then.

Don' wait for her to bring it up again - she did a nice thing in asking you but might want to ask someone else if you say no.

So asap say you have discussed it with DH and with his treatment etc he is not up to it / feeling precious about holidays etc but thank you so much for asking and you must make sure you have a day out with the kids and that they see each other during the school hols

Agree with all this.

And your friend - yeah, some people are weird like this. I used to spend many days all day long at the local outdoor pool during the summer, along with a friend. One day, she got offended because I did lengths for 45 minutes! Same friend hasn't contacted me since my dad died. I think she was offended that I kept cancelling on her, even though I did explain each time that I was grieving and felt too exhausted to get off the sofa. My fault for accepting, but still. I would want to go but then feel unable to go. I appreciate it must have been frustrating, but I did explain to her why and that I was struggling. She hasn't spoken to me for about a year now. She answers me, but won't ever reach out, so I've stepped back now, too.

People be weird!