Violent 7 year old

@BertieBotts that declarative language site is brilliant!

I don’t think the connection is that, but I can see Minecraft can impact dc’ behaviour at around that age.

If you have access to an iPad or Apple Arcade, there’s some similar games on there. Apple Arcade are add free with no purchases. City Scapes, zoo keeper world, jelly car world and some good simulator games as well like a power wash one. My son only had Minecraft for a very short time as his behaviour did change and we’ve found my son transitions better from the Apple Games. Transitions can always be hard though, my son really dislikes being told what to do or stop an activity he’s enjoying, so we’ve had to find ‘motivators’ (basically bribes) that work, sometimes it’s just finding the right thing so we will go through a list of options and suddenly hit the right one! Ps there’s no screen limits in our house, it’s an educational tool that has helped calm anxiety, promote speech, encourage reading and maths. Do what suits you.

Posting in SEN would at least avoid all of the completely uninvited suggestion that screens make children violent. Which is obviously total nonsense given many many children play Minecraft and much more problematic games and are not violent.

If you want to you can report your OP and ask MN to move the thread.

This sounds like dysregulation/stress behaviour to me. The most helpful book that I've read for managing and understanding this is Robyn Gobbel's Big Baffling Behaviours. She uses a metaphor of different animals to explain the different states and the behaviour you describe is her protective/Watchdog type brain.

When they're in the dysregulated state it doesn't help to address the behaviour because their behaviour is essentially instinctive. He knows it is wrong because he expresses remorse afterwards. That suggests to me that consequences are unlikely to be of much help. Consequences only really help if you're trying to shift the motivation profile of a behaviour e.g. something which is fun for them but inconveniences others, or when they are too young to follow a longer term aim you can bring the motivation closer to them.

If he already doesn't want to behave like this but doesn't seem to be able to control it in the moment, then what he needs is more control and/or less stress, not more motivation. More consequences will just increase his distress after an incident but not reduce the frequency or severity of the behaviour. If you do want to use consequences, the very small increments like the 5 mins as @Oleoreoleo says work best, because they don't increase the dysregulation as much as a massive sanction and because you can't "run out" so the child doesn't end up in a position where they have nothing to lose/nothing to work for.

If some of his stress is being caused by school and you're not in a position to change that, you might have to put measures in place to essentially counterbalance this at home, which is not easy because it tends to be very disruptive to the family as a whole.

I would definitely look into the ADHD diagnosis again via whichever avenues are available for this - maybe ask school SENCo, GP, and/or local family hub? When DS2 went on medication for his ADHD, it reduced the school stress for him massively and we don't see the explosive dysregulated behaviour at home any more.

Screens are thorny, because in some ways they can be a tool you can use to support regulation. Games like Minecraft give the player control. It's a world he understands which is predictable. It's also fun and low stakes and when you've spent all day every day just surviving a stressful environment, often you just need some time to zone/veg out which is what screen time can give you. If he needs that kind of regulation, sure it can be achieved without a screen, but it can also be achieved with a screen and there is no reason to take it away just because screens are the current bogeyman.

OTOH some kinds of screen time we find can be dysregulating. Some games are overstimulating and seem to feel addictive and make you want to keep playing forever and ever. Some bombard you with overstimulating ads. Anything algorithmically driven like Youtube can be difficult to control what content is being shown and some of it is designed around engagement and can be overstimulating. In addition, if your child is already on the verge of dysregulation a lot of the time and/or struggles with interoception (reading their internal body cues) then I have noticed the screen can be so attention grabbing that it can cause them to miss hunger, toilet, temperature cues and so they start to feel bad because of those needs but don't really know why.

Everything on this website is helpful too: https://www.declarativelanguage.com/declarative-language-faqs

I more meant all games at that age, probably could have been clearer in the post. Watching a tv show on a screen could be a way to relax. Minecraft can be addictive imo for young dc.

Dd doesn’t do games but she got a camera which had old fashioned ones like snake or ping pong, very basic visuals. She had a few goes, thought them pretty good but that was it. Minecraft is more encompassing than that and can stick in terms of immersion and then turning it off.

The older games can be worse but I assume the op isn’t allowing those.

A 7 year old boy shouldn’t be playing computer games. I would remove all computers like the switch completely

Neither of my children have Sen as far as I know but I do wonder how much of the rise in diagnosis of autism and adhd are linked to screens. I really do think they are very damaging and while I accept it won’t be pleasant for anybody I do think that’s where to start.

My AuDHD 6yo is similar on occasion, DH has some scratches that are healing at the moment from trying to take him to his room when he wouldn't leave our eldest alone. He also likes to hurt me when he's bored.

I do take device time away for certain behaviour and would probably consider trialling a ban if I felt it would help but you've had a lot of people say that sort of thing and in our case meltdowns aren't iPad related. We're very structured with screen time though and the iPad is mine, not his so he knows it's up to me if he has it and he needs to be making the right choices. We're structured in terms of he knows it's an hour at lunchtime and at dinner time, but also flexible and allow him to finish whatever programme he's watching.

I have heard good things about NVR training but haven't done it yet myself. But my LA offers free courses.

Mainly we try to keep him really busy and occupied due to the ADHD and use rewards a lot. If a meltdown has happened I think about if I could have done things differently, but I do also stick to important boundaries even if I know there will be a meltdown. So it's getting that balance of keeping everyone safe but not just letting him think he can do whatever he wants.

I’m not sure what services you have available but if you can find a good occupational therapist, I’d recommend looking at what they call his sensory diet.

There are eight senses, and in each there will be sensations he finds regulating and some he finds dysregulating. The more you can eliminate or mitigate the latter and increase the former the better. If you can’t find, afford an OT or the waiting list is too long there are loads of resources online that can help with this.

The more regulated he is, the more resilient and emotionally stable he will be. Chances are there are a lot of ordinary things slowly driving him crazy (it can be stuff like seams on socks, T-shirt labels, lights)

In terms of transitions, look for information on ODD and PDA, as there are ways of signalling a transition is coming without triggering a reaction.

In terms of screens, what sort of rules do you have in place? We had a non negotiable start time but we found it helpful to be flexible about endings. Sometimes they’re in the middle of something that needs finishing and I was ok with that.

If I had to enforce a consequence I added 5 minutes to the start of the next screen time, and 5 more minutes for push back/continuing bad behaviour. It was very effective. I also was open to exchanging chores (1 chore= 5 mins) so he could work back his time. It was a mild and calm punishment which helped restore authority and perspective because his behaviour didn’t control mine. I was the adult, I was in control, I could handle him until he learned to handle himself.

I know you find comments about screen time judgemental, but there’s very clearly a link between screen use and behaviour. Using it as a crutch may not be helping you as much as you think. Yes there are positives, but he’s now becoming violent in relation to the screen- it’s not a huge leap, given wider knowledge about the impact of screen use on children. Some social services teams have SEN behavioural teams that help with this kind of situation- worth contacting them.

ND kids including adhd and autistic adhd often have low natural dopamine levels or too many transporters removing it. So they easily get bored, weary or irritable. Because boredom can feel physically uncomfortable, their brains crave the easy hits of dopamine provided by screens BUT making it difficult for ND kids to transition to less stimulating tasks like chores or homework. That can feel like a "crash" for their nervous system. Then they kick off.

So screens “help” with regulation by feeding dopamine hits but create new and worse problems as you cannot be on a screen all the time and taking it away feels HORRIBLE.

The only way round that is to find non screen ways of boosting dopamine. Music. Sport for example. Dance. Or medication.

If your child’s body has the right amount of dopamine, they’re more likely to feel happy, alert, focused, and motivated. If they have too little they might feel “lazy”, have mood swings, sleep or concentration problems. Too much dopamine can make your dc hyper and impulsive.

Screen time for ND children is different to those that are NT, it’s helps them regulate and calm and for us it’s part of the end of day routine to calm before bedtime. I think Minecraft on creative mode is fine and the music is calming too and for us it’s been really beneficial. We got a trampoline and send our ds to bounce when he looks like he needs it and a friend has a spinning seat which helps her child. You are doing great and seeking help, I think the problem is he is struggling in school and so by the time he gets home he is overwhelmed and dysregulated. Play therapy for many I know has been a real game changer so I would definitely explore this. Hang in there you got this.

We introduced screens to 9yr old Nd child and Minecraft was a firm favourite. However it had to be managed really well with limited times. Removing it was tricky as it resulted in monumental meltdowns.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having the same breakfast every day. My entire family do that. And I ate dry shreddies for years - yucky with milk!

Regarding the violence: the fact it’s directed primarily at you and not his dad tells you something. he can control it a bit. otherwise it would be a case of unravelling and attacking whoever came near equally viciously.

So if he can control it a bit, that tells you it’s possible for him to control it more.

I would enrol him in lots and lots of sport and outdoor activity. Take him and his sibling for a bike ride or to the playground or for a walk in the woods every single day. Enrol him in a martial arts club - there are usually very SEN friendly options around. Enrol him in Saturday morning football. Find a bouldering club and take him there Take him swimming every Sunday.

In his gaps - get him a small trampoline, a spade and a vegetable patch to dig in. A small workbench, soft wood and some basic tools (needs supervision). Get him outside growing, making and using his hands. Creativity isn’t just art and writing stories.

He needs to be moving around using gross motor skills. Getting sucked into screen time as a pacifier seems to help but in many ways it will make things worse as he will become sooooo reliant on that dopamine hit of his game. He needs to learn real world patience and regulation not zoning out in an online unreal existence,

I think the Switch should “break” for a while.

And ARFID is just so bloody hard isn’t it? If it’s any consolation DC2 now rats a wide variety of foods although they do have a marked preference still for highly processed foods.

DS has ADHD and autistic traits, he isn't allowed small screen time, it just unleashes something different in him. On a couple of occasions when he has had it eg at family events someone has given him a tablet or on one occasion a switch, I've never seen melt downs like it. Exercise is key, time to regulate is in the garden, the park after school, I always walk and pick him up when I can he will run home or scoot. School fizzes him up as he says and he needs to release that energy. We also have a Lego table as building also helps, but transition from Lego to dinner isn't as hard. He does have a you player and listens to stories at bedtime which helps him to settle. We have always encouraged reading and that can help with transitions if he's reading a book at home and we've got to go somewhere I know there will be lots of waiting for example I will suggest he brings his book.
DS doesn't even have TV in the week it's just not part of his routine. If he does at the weekend it will be watching something as a family after we've been out. I don't know how you'd go about reducing it, wet just never introduced it, I could tell from a young age that screens hyped him up in a way they didn't for NT children.

@Sunflower1650we swapped to slow release melatonin for exactly that reason and it had helped. Is that something that you’ve tried?

Can I asked why you think especially Minecraft? Just wondering why you think it would be worst than other games?

It seems OP doesn’t want to hear everyone’s opinions on screens…

We had to ban computer screen time until 10 apart from school work, it caused all the problems. We allowed it from 10, still issues but was more able to regulate

The sneaky behaviour - hurting your three year old - is a quick dopamine hit for him. I think ADHD sounds likely.
Year 2 is a very hard year for this - the pressures socially and academically ramp up.
have a look at non violent resistance techniques and positive handling techniques to prevent you being scratched and hurt. This is a hard road but I have seen children make remarkable turn arounds once their brain matures a little more.
So… when you think about how he is not making dopamine effectively then I would seriously seriously remove all screens. They are not soothing him. They are giving him an artificial fix of dopamine to chase. I know that’s annoying but it’s worth the pain of removal.

I can see some people suggesting ADHD, are you doing things that might help? I know it’s difficult but starting off with a breakfast high in protein and a snack high in protein after school.

Running is good if you can get him to go and see if you can introduce meditation. There are some ones aimed at children in YouTube

Of all the things to play, Minecraft is really pretty good. It's pretty mindful and calm.