Violent 7 year old

Sympathies OP I came to write a similar post to ask for advice. It is exhausting and not at all straightforward. Eagerly following for any help from parents of AuDHD children.

Hi @Sunflower1650sorry to hear your struggling, I also have a 7 year old with AudHD, he will lash out at us, sometimes worse than others, I’ve done all the parenting courses, read all the books, but we still have regular outbursts.

My DS isn’t interested in screen time, but is the same when ever anything is coming to an end, time to leave the park, time to go home from friends, time to end a trip out, I can give all the countdowns, reminders in the world but if in him mind it’s not time to go, we will have a massive melt down.

What I have mostly found is a lot of it is about control, he wants to feel in control, which I believe is driven by anxiety. The best way I get around it, is to redirect, time to leave the park, shall we get an ice cream on the way home, type thing, so a bribe really haha.

I have heard from other mums that’s age 7 is one of the worst for ADHD/ASD anger

Why on earth would he need to know about such a terrible thing? I hope OP doesn't google it because what a nasty thing to show a worried mother of an autistic child.

I strongly recommend you tell your son about the case of Isaiah Trammell.

Police aren't going to accept autism as an excuse to act out.

We will avoid all of them really but Roblox probably won’t happen at all nor Fortnite (although that’s probably more popular with boys anyway).

Just holding off for as long as possible.

Ah OK interesting. I have found Minecraft one of the better games, but I suppose it depends what you're comparing to.

I found Roblox very much like that and so it is completely banned in our house until DC are older - my 17yo plays it (not that I can see the appeal but he does) but it was banned until he was about 14 I think? He played it a little bit when he was younger and I found the effect of it horrendous. A lot of people think it's harmless though because it's very popular with the 8-12 crowd.

The first para I can’t seem to highlight individual quotes but when I say Minecraft can cause adverse behaviour I don’t mean because it’s a violent game or that kind of standard phrase re gaming makes dc violent.

More that it’s highly immersive for young minds, similar to what you’re saying with forgetting to move for bedtime. I think NT dc can suffer from this too.

On that note it really settles into dc thinking as something they intuitively get and can imagine, probably why it’s so successful as a game. But that can mean more upset at ending play or stopping it and worse behaviour when not allowed it.

Dd 8 is NT afaik but we won’t do MC for a while as it’s too immersive and sticky.

How often is DS unable to attend school? When is your Tribunal hearing?

What support is the school providing? What have they already tried that hasn’t helped?

Request social care assessments. A carer’s assessment for you and an assessment via the children with disabilities team for DS. On their website, Contact has model letters you can use.

Also have a look at your local short breaks offer. There may not be anything suitable but it is worth a look.

Will the OT assessment next week include a sensory OT assessment and a home OT assessment? Not all ICB commission sensory OT on the NHS anymore. And not all NHS OT assessments include a home OT assessment.

Does DS have his own bedroom or does he share with DS2?

You could ask for a referral to a sleep clinic if you want further support with DS’s sleep.

Is DS receiving any support for his ARFID?

How much exercise does he get?

If you still suspect ADHD, you could ask for a second opinion.

As well as the other books mentioned on the thread, have a look at the Out of Sync Child. Some people also find non-violent resistance resources useful.

Sorry I am not quite sure what you mean? Which connection is (not) what?

If you mean the interoception (internal body sensations) piece that was just something I noticed for my own child. I don't think that will apply to every child. But I think it can be part of why screens can cause very agitated behaviour in some children, especially neurodivergent children. It is also something I notice in myself, and I think it's related to my ADHD. It doesn't actually have to be a screen - whatever I get engrossed in will cause me to miss body cues and I'll suddenly notice that I'm starving/desperate for a wee or it's way past a reasonable bedtime, etc.

Before DS was on medication I did find his behaviour was better overall when I kept the screen time right down - it seemed really important for him. Now he doesn't need such strict limits and it has crept up again. I will put more limits back on though, mainly because I find it terrible for my younger one, who can also self-entertain perfectly well without a screen (but always chooses a screen if available) but also because I found it much easier to manage in general when I know where the line is and there is no negotiation or wiggle room. And I know he will be able to handle that as well.

Like I said, if you post in the SN board you’ll get fewer posts from people giving advice that would only work if your DS was NT

Remove screen time completely

It's not working for you.

Also, he needs some boundaries and consequences.

If he hits you, get down to his eye level and say loudly and clearly, we do not hit people!!!!

He's looking for parameters, and he's not finding them.

I get it. I did wrote a post but lost it. The gist was, my son has matured and it’s improved. It’s clear to see when he’s unregulated and when he’s being deliberately naughty.

I agree. If it’s got to the point where he’s physically attacking you leaving you bruised and bleeding but can seemingly switch it on and off means that there is a degree of control and awareness there.

when he’s kicking off like this, what is yours and your husbands response? The fact that he’s worse for you is interesting too. Is your husband tougher on him?

I don't think you can underestimate the negative impact that screens have on kids, whether ND or NT. It's a lot worse nowadays compared to when we were kids; the videos and TV shows move so much faster now, and it's been well-documented that it's drastically reduced attention span, and means viewers are constantly chasing the next dopamine hit (it's bad enough for us adults with our phones, let alone kids).
We weaned screen time down to now only TV on the weekends, and tablet only for long car rides or plane journeys. The positive impact has been so dramatic in terms of behaviour.

I know it won't be easy to make this change OP, but I can't emphasise enough how in the long run it will be helpful for your child. Good luck.

The fact he does it when your back is turned proves he CAN control it, and when he cries after, he's manipulating you and it's working. Sorry OP but you need to give him a bit of tough love. Everyone has negative emotions and learns to deal with them and those who don't end up in prison.

Autistic children can learn to adapt to the world but it can never be the inverse.

I have a 7 yo daughter with PDA profile. I cannot imagine ever using a timer or similar with her, she would FREAK!

Have you tried talking to him and explaining why games, streaming platforms etc. are designed to “hook you in” and what they can do to how we feel and behave? And how we can build healthy habits?

This is what I do with my daughter and I feel she is now able to identify the feeling of being “addicted” to a tv show and often actively chooses to do something else.

I will say I don’t let her use iPad or Switch on her own as I observed it made her meltdown. We do play Switch but we do it together on the TV and talk about it etc.

I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this – it sounds incredibly intense, and you’re clearly doing a lot to support him already.

Also, just to say, asking for help about something like this is not easy at all. It takes a lot to say it out loud, especially when behaviours escalate like this, so please don’t feel judged for posting. To be honest, it is brave.

What you’re describing does sound like a child who is becoming overwhelmed and then losing control rather than choosing to behave that way. The fact that he shows remorse afterwards is quite telling; it suggests he isn’t comfortable with what’s happening either.

Transitions and demands, even small ones like coming off a device, can be particularly difficult for children with autism and dyspraxia, especially if he is already overloaded from school. The reaction can look disproportionate, but it is often the final tipping point rather than the full cause.

One thing that sometimes helps in these situations is shifting the focus slightly from removing the behaviour to reducing the overload before it builds. That might look like more structured decompression time after school, or very predictable routines around transitions where possible.

It also sounds like you could do with more support around this, especially given the level of physical behaviour you’re dealing with. If you haven’t already, it may be worth going back to your GP and asking for a re-referral or additional input, particularly around regulation and behaviour strategies.

You’re clearly a very thoughtful parent and already doing a lot of the right things. This doesn’t read as a lack of boundaries – it reads as a child who is struggling to regulate and needs the right support around him.

And its so much harder for them to regulate anyway. They need their own strategies and ways of dealing with transitions and challenges and using a screen to calm and regulate takes all the time away from learning those strategies.
Short term gain long term pain.

Yes it might feel calm when they’re immersed, especially so young, but the bigger issues arise
when the game is not there.

You say you use the screen to regulate his emotions then you are surprised that when you take the screen away he cannot regulate his emotions?

He needs alternative ways to regulate his emotions. Or he needs free, unlimited access to screens.

Screens are terrible for ND children. Its so much harder for them to learn to regulate then you chuck in a screen because it seems easy for them and you, but in the long run its making things much, much harder.

It obviously isn’t as simple as ‘screens make children violent.’ But I know from my own ds that over Christmas I let him go in my iPad and when I tried to remove it he was horrible and while he wasn’t violent he was screaming and crying and trying to take it back.

That said I take on board the fact it’s not just screens - must be incredibly hard @Sunflower1650 and the last thing I would wish to do is add to your stress.