Worried about friend's kid

@Comfortable8520 All you need to do is to accept your friend's child how he is and accommodate his needs and interests. No diagnosis will tell you or your friend how to do this and what exactly those needs and interests are. You just observe, stay calm, confident, relaxed, friendly, and then accept and react appropriately. Your friend is absolutely right, you can't fix or cure or treat or change ASD, it is his personality. So don't force anything he doesn't like and offer things he enjoys or that don't upset or stress him. Noone can tell you what a specific autistic person likes and finds upsetting, though. They all like different things, and circumstances are key. A diagnosis is not an instruction manual. Just be kind, accepting, supportive, patient and most important of all, stop giving off these vibes that something is wrong and needs fixing. It's totally contra productive. My autistic children's family and friends don't see and treat them as people with autism who need fixing. They take the time to get to know them and their likes and dislikes and then they bond over shared interests, like they would with other people. Or they just don't have anything in common and give each other space, that's fine too. My children are diagnosed, but for us the diagnosis didn't lead to any intervention, treatment, help in school etc. It doesn't even help us much to understand our children better, as despite them both being autistic, they are like chalk and cheese with totally different, even often opposing, personalities, interests, abilities, behaviours. We have to get to know them as persons and enjoy and support them as who they are. They had some support from health services for particular problems, like speech problems, anxiety and mobility problems, but they didn't need a diagnosis for that and didn't have one at the time. School support is usually also not for autism, but for particular things, like failing the KS1 phonics test, being distracted by noise, school avoidance, disruptive behaviour, inability to finish exams in time etc. There is no intervention or support for autism as such.

Jesus!! Just because your child isn’t doing what you think he should be doing or what you think is normal for his age doesn’t mean he’s on the spectrum

The first definition from google of overstepping is “to go beyond what is permitted or acceptable”. IMO, the things I listed in my last post do exactly that. I don’t think they are acceptable. Feel free to disagree. I stand by what I said. Nothing to do with “bad experiences…in the past” .

The overstepping isn’t those 3 bullet points.

The overstepping is that you are “now unsure what to do” that you are “overthinking” their situation, that you “cannot ignore that I sometimes feel uneasy”, that you are so invested that you are asking if you need to “step back from emotionally and accept as it is?” That you are so focused on diagnosis resulting in extra support.

That you think you should say something further despite the fact when you “asked similar questions (i.e. whether she has any concerns) she would just say that's how her son is.” She has already shut down that line of thought with you, yet you want to persist.

How is it possible, that diagnosing such a major condition as autism, is not important?

You are putting words in my mouth. I did not say ^this. In fact, I said the exact opposite. I specially said “I think diagnosis is important, but not for the reasons you are saying.” Please read my posts more carefully before saying I have said something I haven’t.

As I said, for many, diagnosis doesn’t hold more weight. They parent/grandparent the child in front of them. They adjust how they interact and support they provide based on the child’s needs, not whether they have a diagnosis or not. To not do so is poor parenting/grandparenting.

You are overstepping, IMO.

My child is diagnosed with both ASD and ADHD and it's made no difference to how her grandparents treat her, because they were perfectly nice to her in the first place. I imagine in the wrong hands it could be a stick to beat your adult DC with, though.

"Oh you've got him one of those trendy diagnoses".

"Oh so you're one of the people making the councils bankrupt".

Depending on what paper they read.

Most of the people responding to your thread have children or are themselves diagnosed with autism or similar conditions. Surely you aren’t so blinkered in your pursuit of your goal that you dismiss all the responses as people not liking a “stigma” you feel might be attached to this particular neuro developmental disorder (not MH)?

Why can’t you let this go? The more you post the more entrenched you become in your preferred parenting choices for your friend. Interestingly the most driven pro-diagnosis you must get him tested person in my journey with my own child not only ended up having her own children diagnosed but is now diagnosed herself. I believe it is called “projecting”??? Do you have concerns about your own child? (I’m asking genuinely not trying to upset).

I think diagnosis is important, but not for the reasons you are saying.

You parent/grandparent the child in front of you. You make adjustments to their needs and what they require. Even if they had a diagnosis, DC need parenting in different ways. Not all autistic DC need the same adjustments.

No, for many a diagnosis does not hold more weight.

I don’t think it is a case of the diagnosis not being linked on this thread. Many of us have DC diagnosed. It is that you are overstepping. A good friend wouldn’t continue to raise a physical health problem when they had been repeatedly brushed off.

at least they would have to learn more about autism, adjust their expectations

A diagnosis isn’t required for them to do this. Sadly, even with a diagnosis, some extended families don’t and are just as judgemental and opinionated.

Nobody needs a diagnosis to be treated well. If grandparents are being unkind a diagnosis won’t act as some kind of magic shield. It won’t qualify you for support, understanding or benefits of any kind. This is a fundamental misunderstanding that many people have. Diagnosis is helpful because it offers prognosis and allows you to make informed choices about treatment. It provides some legal protection in the form of rights should the individual be discriminated against.

What it doesn’t do is fix anyone or anything you have described @Comfortable8520 or @hipbunny
The one glaringly obvious benefit is that it stops the endless conversations about it with well meaning but ignorant people. I’m not sure I’d dx for that though.

He seems to prefer being on his own and does not appear bothered about joining others. He also has quite a few sensitivities. He cannot tolerate being touched by other people and will scream, and he struggles to be outside in the sun without sunglasses. He is also a very picky eater with a very limited range of plain foods he will accept. I may be wrong, but communication sometimes feels a bit difficult too.

But these can also just be his traits without him reaching a level of impairment that warrants an autism diagnosis. His school are not concerned and his mum is not concerned, you don't need to armchair diagnose.

There is a massive range of what is normal in young children. Lots love wheels and play repetitively, lots of boys especially don't play particularly socially until they are older. Picky eaters are extremely common, as are kids who don't like when its bright out. Kids have heightened sensitivities to a lot of things from tastes, to smells and touch.

If he's a happy child and his mum isn't concerned about his behaviour at home he's probably just an introverted kid.

@hipbunny of course their SEN support is poor if “He has totally slipped under the radar at school. It’s never been picked up on apart from when they first mentioned it in reception…The school he is in now is a troubled school and unfortunately the kids that shout the loudest and cause problems get heard. It’s well know in the area and this boy is hardly noticed.“ and “they haven’t picked up on his needs” is true.

The child’s needs shouldn’t have to be brought to the attention of the school. If they are as you say they are, the school should be picking up on the DC’s SEN. The fact they haven’t is poor.

I don’t know that they are poor on sen support in general I just know that they haven’t picked up on his needs as they have not been brought to the attention of the school. He is such a quiet boy and just slips into the background and goes unnoticed.

@hipbunny having a diagnosis won’t suddenly make a school who is poor at providing SEN support suddenly good. You describe a problem with SEN support, not being undiagnosed.

He has totally slipped under the radar at school. It’s never been picked up on apart from when they first mentioned it in reception. I personally would have followed this up but my friend said “well they must have tested him and didn’t mention it”. She literally knows nothing about asd. Like I said she has never been around children before. The school he is in now is a troubled school and unfortunately the kids that shout the loudest and cause problems get heard. It’s well know in the area and this boy is hardly noticed. In fact they even said that at open evening. “We don’t know he is here most of the time”