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Here you'll find advice from parents and teachers on special needs education.

Original poster

To cancel birthday party for DS 14?

88 replies

arcticpandas · 04/02/2025 12:30

Had a call from school. He has insulted another girl in his class several times apparantly. Think another word for prostitute. I am so angry, sad and disappointed in him. He's autistic so I make a lot of allowances for his weird behaviour but this is something else. He knows damn well what it means and that he can never say that word to anyone no matter how triggered he gets. I'm sure he'll come home telling me that she started it but I couldn't care less. He is so out of line that I think I will cancel his birthday party next week. AIBU ?

OP posts:
ServantsGonnaServe · 04/02/2025 13:19

I'd do a different big punishment and allow him to offset it with a positive action.

For example, confiscate all devices for a month, lowered to 2 weeks if he e.g. researches and writes 2 A4 sides on problematic male attitudes to women and how his behaviour fits into that or can think of a volunteering activity to better the community for women, such as a sponsored activity.

Something that requires actual work and isnt just donating money.

nellythe · 04/02/2025 13:13

GermanBite · 04/02/2025 12:55

What an absolute cop out. It's not up to schools to deal with behaviour issues alone.

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Absolutely.
OP, I’d do whatever you see fit. Autistic or not, this is unacceptable. I’d be inclined to try and think of something he can do to ‘earn’ his party back but I certainly would be coming down on this.

Truth25 · 04/02/2025 13:12

Notgivenuphope · 04/02/2025 12:43

Yeah because that is really going to get him on your side.
He is a silly, immature boy (most 14 year olds are). He needs to apologize and not do it again. He is hardly a bad lad.

Maybe go read the thread on the parenting crisis to open your eyes. A 14yo using that type of insult is far from a good lad. Punish him at home, he's not a toddler who needs to be snowflaked over. No wonder children are so vile today - because of parents like you who make excuses!

Op this would be an excluded and taking very seriously at our school. So punish him at home too.

GermanBite · 04/02/2025 12:55

Miloarmadillo2 · 04/02/2025 12:34

What sanction are school imposing? I would support whatever they decide is appropriate but not punish again at home.

What an absolute cop out. It's not up to schools to deal with behaviour issues alone.

Notgivenuphope · 04/02/2025 12:43

Yeah because that is really going to get him on your side.
He is a silly, immature boy (most 14 year olds are). He needs to apologize and not do it again. He is hardly a bad lad.

MissyB1 · 04/02/2025 12:42

I would punish at home for something as serious as this, but it needs to be something more immediate.

FoxtonFoxton · 04/02/2025 12:37

I'd listen to the explanation first and go from there with regards to cancelling the party. I'd be absolutely clear that I didn't back him up for using the word and I'd stand by any school punishment handed out.

YellowHatt · 04/02/2025 12:37

Miloarmadillo2 · 04/02/2025 12:34

What sanction are school imposing? I would support whatever they decide is appropriate but not punish again at home.

I get what you’re saying but part of the school’s punishment in to contact home for home to follow up. That could involve a punishment at home as well as at school so that the DS knows everyone’s on the same page.

Turbo4 · 04/02/2025 12:36

No I wouldn’t cancel the party.

UnbeatenMum · 04/02/2025 12:36

He's autistic, he knows it's wrong but he was probably very stressed. Yes give him a consequence but cancelling his party seems OTT.

YellowHatt · 04/02/2025 12:36

I would punish him but in a much more immediate way than something that’s happening next week. Something like take away a device or similar and give him a big talking to once he’s home.

Miloarmadillo2 · 04/02/2025 12:34

What sanction are school imposing? I would support whatever they decide is appropriate but not punish again at home.

DemonicCaveMaggot · 04/02/2025 12:33

I would not cancel the party because that doesn't really fit the crime. Is he interested in dating girls? Does he realize that behaviour like that means every girl within earshot thinks he's undateable now? No girl with common sense wants to hang around with a boy who is liable to call them a slag, whore, or slut or any epithet really. I can't think of a positive way of getting that message through though.