To cancel birthday party for DS 14?

I would cancel it.

As a mother, I'd be uncomfortable sending a child of mine to your son's party because I'd fear it could be seen as support for your son's behaviour.

Do something else for his birthday perhaps, but the consequence of sexual harassment needs to be serious and I think canceling a social event would send a clear message.

Check, and if necessary restrict, his Internet access. That sort of behaviour was on the watch sheet we recieved from school about boys especially accessing online forums about the "Manosphere" (basically men being downtrodden and women taking over everything)

No absolutely not, you’re at the age where very shortly you will loose all influence, this is the wrong move. He’s not in primary, you can’t be cancelling his party, it seems age inappropriate. Obviously misogynistic language is not acceptable. I work in a boys secondary and we tend to go for restorative methods, so stuff thats linked to the offense and has some learning with it - canceling a party does not fit the bill. Plus as an autistic person he probably struggles socially so party canceling again a terrible idea. Feel sorry for the lad if his own mum describes him as weird, I have an asd dc, this is not the language I would use and since this whole incident centres around use of language I feel this relevant.

YABU for referring to your Autistic son's 'weird behaviour'.
I wouldn't punish him as it happened at school, but I'd have a bloody good conversation with him and check what shit he is accessing online.

I would punish him immediately and cancel the party.

Do you ever call it weird behaviour to his face?

Sorry but if he said what the op implied that’s not something any person should be calling another. Regardless of age or gender.

OP despite being ND he can learn right from wrong. It’s not “weird” saying this. It’s wrong.

I agree that consequences should be more immediate and relevant for him
to understand. I don’t think you leave it solely to school because at the end of the day he’s your responsibility for life.

As previous folks said-I would want ant least an apology and discussion around attitudes towards women. Some good ideas above.

I’d also say this is a warning. He has to do X, Y and Z (whatever you decide are relevant punishment) and if any further language like this or he doesn’t comply with X, Y and Z then the party will be cancelled and the money saved donated to charity.
I wouldn’t jump straight to cancelling the party, but absolutely would if there was a repetition or he wasn’t absolutely putting his heart into learning from this.

My post has been hidden. Re use of language, use outdated, offensive words for disabled people to show how these words take away an individuals humanity.

Punishments need to a) fit the crime and b) be appropriate for the age and stage of the child.

A 14 year old child with ASD should not be treated in the same way as a NT 17 year old.

that's nto to say there should not be consequences or punishments, just that they need to be appropriate. In this case I'd argue that he really needs the actual UNDERSTANDING banged in. WHY is this not okay. Because he clearly isn't getting it and that is what needs to be nipped in the bud.

It's really important for autistic teens to have and keep a peer group. One thing that often happens is that they don't have enough friends to invite to parties, so miss out. Make the punishment something different. You will also be punishing the teens who are looking forward to it. The general rule of thumb is to not give a punishment that affects anyone else.

Precisely! All the 'yeah but' and oh don't cancel his party it'll be demotivating it's a punishment for dreadful behaviour, it's not meant to be enjoyable!

No i would have a serious chat with him about prostitution and why some people use these words to demean women. Hopefully the embarassment will make him think twice.

Punish him but don't cancel the party.

Boys will be boys eh? VOM. I thought Wed moved on from this type of thinking. His behaviour WAS bad.

He's autistic so I make a lot of allowances for his weird behaviour

I'm guessing you dont actually think that he's weird. However, he has likely been called far worse over time by a lot of other students, because he is 'weird'.

Ask the school what they have said to him. Then ask him why he said that particular word and decide a more suitable punishment. You would BU to cancel a birthday party for that.

He is 14. Lots of teenagers swear at/insult each other for impact/contempt because you really dont like that individual person. By itself, it doesn't automatically mean he's misogynistic or looks down upon females.

I wouldn't cancel his party.

What he did definitely needs to be dealt with at school, because that was where it happened, and also at home as parents do have an obligation to raise their children to be functioning adults.

My ND DS had already self combusted and departed the school system at that age, but as a child a year or so younger, I would have supported the school with whatever they did and tried to find a punishment at home that was more immediate - such as loss of devices for the next couple of nights and writing an apology to the girl involved.

But I would also have talked through with him what he said and why he said it. My ND DS didn't always appreciate what things actually meant and would sometimes say very inappropriate things but didn't actually mean what he said.

Friends with Benefits was one memorable thing he said to a girls mum. He thought it meant being friends and both liking the same things. He was mortified when I explained it.

I wouldn't cancel the party over it, but I'd be grounding, removing the games console etc and (assuming the girl and her parents are ok with it) insisting on a face to face apology - or a written one if they're not.

I'd also be telling him that the only reason the party hasn't been cancelled is that it's unfair on others who'd already made plans, but one more slip up will see that changed pretty quickly.

I agree with this, he should be using this as a learning tool to become a better man in the future, Kids make mistakes and they say stupid shit, we need to teach them to be better adults.

The apologists for the behaviour on this thread! No wonder mysogyny is rising.

I wouldn't cancel the party as a knee-jerk reaction but I would think it all through.

If it's an all-male party, will they need closer supervision than you'd planned to check for misognistic influences (or your son trying to impress the other lads by behaving in that way)?

If there are females invited, is your son mature enough to behave appropriately towards them?

Ultimately, you need to find out what happened. Then you need to talk to him about why it's wrong to use that kind of language. And then go from there.

I also want to add that I find al children, but ND children and young children especially, really struggle with the concept of takign responsibility and accountability. They're very narcissistic in that they think they are the centre of the universe and anything anyone else does or says is irrelevant and also that they can't be blamed for their actions if it is a "mistake" or "because she did x".

And hard though it is, it's part of our job to keep teaching them this. the example I use with both of mine is that it's like when I'm in the car. If someone runs out into the middle of the road and I hit them, even if I was driving at the speed limit, in an appropriate way and I didn't see them becuase it was dark and wet and they were wearing dark clothes... it would most likely not be my fault and I would not go to jail. BUT.... I would still be responsible for them being hurt or killed. which is why when it's dark and wet, I might perhaps drive a bit slower or be even more careful.

It's the old "two wrongs don't make a right" that my mum used to bang on and on and on to us about as well. And it does take a lot of banging on to get the message through.

I would speak to him to get the full picture ie not excusing the insult to the girl but more to see what triggered it and try to talk things through with him on how to handle situations in future where he feels triggered and how he can handle things more constructively. However I do appreciate it’s easier said than done.

No, you do not cancel the party. Nothing is more demotivating to a ND child than sometehing like this

Yes, you absolutely do make it clear how unahppy you are and have consequences. For me, that would most likely be around 1. reducing other social activities as clearly he does not have the capacity and 2. insisting on him doing something like additional chores. At that age, I might insist he watch some videos about sexual harassment etc.

This