To cancel birthday party for DS 14?

Cancel birthday party. As much as children, teenagers and adults with autism can get overwhelmed, upset and struggle to cope... I dont think using misogynistic insults specifically is one of the symptoms of autism. My autistic partner has never called me a name.

Neurodivergence doesn't, and shouldnt, excuse everything and youre right to be angry.

He's autistic, he knows it's wrong but he was probably very stressed.

^

Sorry, what???

Why not move this to the SEN board OP? It needs careful handling from parents who know what they are talking about. Not “remove his devices”.
I would talk to him about what happened, what provoked this, how he might deal with it next time, how some words are beyond the pale, how things are at school generally?
I also don’t think cancelling his party is the right approach for a teenager with ASD. It’s great he’s got a group of friends he wants to have a party with. So it wouldn’t be a punishment I’d rush to impose.

my daughter is autistic and I would be wanting to know exactly what happened in class if she was rude like that. She can be incredibly rude when stressed and say appalling things - but often it's a sign she is really not coping.

This does NOT mean it's acceptable by the way and it's my job as her parent to make sure she learns other ways to cope in the moment.\

But - I would defiinitely not cancel a birthday party.

@caringcarer The party is next week, so the punishment would actually be done and dusted faster if she cancels the party than taking a console away for a fortnight.

No, its trying to understand whether there was a reason for it.

Similar to hearing stories of a kid constantly being bullied by name calling, pushing, etc. All very subtle or out of sight of the teachers. The school do nothing and one day the kid snaps, punches and kicks the bully. The victim is punished, and suspended/expelled. The bully never faces any consequence for their actions.

We don't know what made OPs son repeatedly insult the girl. Is there more to the story or was he the one that instigated it for no reason?

YANBU. Bad Actions have bad consequences, and the sooner he learns that the better. You’re being an amazing mum.

Agreed, an immediate sanction, not wait weeks or months for his birthday. Take away his gaming device if he has one for 2 weeks and make him write an apology note to the girl stating he was wrong.

I wouldn't cancel the party but I'd make sure he apologises to the girl.

Don't cancel party, punish immediately with a different punishment.

I would cancel the party. It fits the crime both in terms of impact (he needs to know how very unacceptable the word is…) and in terms of logical consequences (you can’t be around girls until you’ve sorted your attitude towards them).

That’s assuming any girls were invited…

At an age where he should very well understand consequences perhaps the shock value of cancelling his party will do the job.

A friend's DS of the same age (although NT) was really playing up coming up to a Christmas. He was told clearly 'unless you improve your behaviour, you won't get the games console you asked for at Christmas'.

He didn't listen and continued acting up, so he didn't get the present. Plenty of other presents so he certainly wasn't left empty handed on Christmas morning, but not the big ticket games console he wanted. The shock of the consequence being carried out straightened him out and he got the console for his birthday a couple of months later.

It’s more find out the whole story and apply mitigating circumstances to then arrive at an appropriate punishment.

Rather than go for a cruel and unusual punishment that is over the top without giving him a fair chance to explain his side of the story.

Look what you made me do?

I agree, and with an ND 14yo often having the social maturity of a preteen child, allowances should be made for not understanding how it is socially unacceptable to say that particular word even if provoked when other insults/words you can say and it’s just fucking about and socially acceptable.

No, it doesnt excuse swearing or insulting another person but it's unrealistic to believe that teenagers do not swear or the extent that they swear. Or call each other insulting names.

What OP needs to ascertain is why he was insulting the girl. Whose to say that she wasn't saying awful things to him earlier in the day without being caught by the teacher? Was it him losing his temper and insulting her in retaliation (again, not condoning but understandable).does he know what the word is and the bigger implications?

At 14 even if they know what a prostitute is, I doubt they understand all the reasons behind it and it not really being a true 'lifestyle choice'.

Yes teenagers are old enough to know right from wrong, but it doesn't mean they have adult brains and think/react like adults. During puberty their brains go through another huge developmental change, it's almost comparable to a toddler, their emotions take over and they act without much thought. I can only imagine that this may be more extreme in some teens that have ND.

Give him the punishment that you would’ve given him if he did this just after his birthday.

Sure, I'm not saying it's appropriate behaviour by any stretch, just that the punishment is disproportionate, particularly for a child with autism. Personally I'd be much more likely to remove his phone or PlayStation or block tiktok and work on educating him than remove his birthday treat. Birthdays and Christmas are unconditional for me.

Sure, I'm not saying it's appropriate behaviour by any stretch, just that the punishment is disproportionate, particularly for a child with autism. Personally I'd be much more likely to remove his phone or PlayStation or block tiktok and work on educating him than remove his birthday treat. Birthdays and Christmas are unconditional for me.

Mum of a rather gobby inappropriate asd teen boy here. He is 13 nearly 14 and bloody hard work. Totally something he would do.
I would keep the party but remove electronics and make him sit through a documentary on the effects of calling women names and abuse etc. Found it to be more effective (and dc loathes it)

It’s deeply disturbing that you are angry enough to severely punish your ND child without even hearing their side of the story. Would you like that to happen to you? A colleague calls your boss and says you insulted someone and that’s it, you’re given the sack? No chance to say your side of things?

I also think cancelling his birthday party is a massive over reaction even if what is alleged happened and he was entirely at fault.

You need to consider the fact too that autistic kids are often bullied mercilessly in secondary school. Kids know the buttons to push, the things to say to put an autistic kid into a meltdown, and they will do it as entertainment.

Very stressed ?

He could have done any number of things to express the stress or to display distress.

What he chose to do was use gender specific language to denigrate and humiliate a fellow student who was female.

He knows the meaning of the word he used, and he used it more than once.

There is no clear link between stress and his choice of language or target.

You wouldn’t punish your child for disgraceful behaviour at school? That’s shocking.

I agree. I think the most important thing here, is him understanding misogyny. Maybe he just said it because it's a word that's banded around a lot by his peers and came easily to mind in anger. It's a good example of everyday misogyny.