To cancel birthday party for DS 14?

OP, I think you've made a good decision and I agree with what @Lyn348 wrote as well. I hope it works out for him at his new school.

I wonder if everyone saying cancel the party would have responded the same way if they had known he's autistic with LDs, the emotional age of a 7yo and heading for a specialist school. Because it really doesn't sound like he has a good understanding of what the word means or why it's offensive, he's just repeating an insult that he's heard others say. Cancelling his birthday is definitely not proportionate here.

Hmm so parrots are operating at a higher level then when they repeat one insult and not another?

Personally I just have huge sympathy for him because I have a young adult with ASD myself. He's lashed out by repeating a horrible word that everyone at his school uses because he's been horribly mocked - from an autistic perspective why is it ok for everyone else to use that word but not him? The girls ablism is at least as bad as his misogyny - and she started it. You say he said it to his friends, did they tell her? If so he's already feeling attacked by his friends, not to mention by the girl, also by school because he hasn't been able to defend himself - this is a kid who needs someone on his side, and that person needs to be you.

^This!

I think that him writing a letter of apology may open the gates to humiliation if she flaunts it around and shows it to her friends etc. A verbal apology is good enough to avoid anyone else antagonising him.

I agree, especially since the girl started the tit for tat and also owes him an apology.

So you’re going to punish a teen with the capacity of a 7yr old for saying something that teenagers say and get away with daily at his school? Forget about giving him allowances for being disabled, you are holding him to a higher standard than more mature, abled kids are being held to.

I would not be punishing him, I would be going to the school and challenging them on punishing a disabled child with the maturity of a 7yr old for saying a word that all the other kids say daily and they get zero punishment for.

I wonder about that too.

I meant to query if it was being used as an Insult, or was it being mentioned as a factual statement.

OP - are there any networks in your area/school for parents of children with SEN? You shouldn’t feel so ashamed of his behaviour that you can’t talk to friends, but maybe other parents who have similar challenges will be helpful?

Definitely don’t cancel the party. Explore the meaning of the word itself and his attitude toward women. She said something discriminatory and so did he, both are wrong and don’t excuse the other.

If he does write an apology I would help him to write it, explain why he was upset, that it is ableist to put someone down for being ASD but that doesn’t justify him responding with a misogynistic slur.

He is apparently well aware that the word he used is a gendered insult, if he thought it appropriate when he felt insulted, by a girl.

This says to me that he's operating at a level higher than calling people "poopy pants", even when stressed.

Personally I just have huge sympathy for him because I have a young adult with ASD myself. He's lashed out by repeating a horrible word that everyone at his school uses because he's been horribly mocked - from an autistic perspective why is it ok for everyone else to use that word but not him? The girls ablism is at least as bad as his misogyny - and she started it. You say he said it to his friends, did they tell her? If so he's already feeling attacked by his friends, not to mention by the girl, also by school because he hasn't been able to defend himself - this is a kid who needs someone on his side, and that person needs to be you.

IMO opinion writing a letter is an absolutely terrible idea, that is just asking for him to be further humiliated. Do you think this nasty girl who took the piss out of him being autistic is going to appreciate the letter? Do you think she's going to suddenly develop empathy and start being nice because he's apologised. No of course not, she's probably a nasty kid who will laugh at the letter, show it around to all her friends and use it as more ammunition to humiliate him. I cannot imagine any worse idea that this for your poor kid.

Cancelling his party next week is the next worst thing you could do. This is a kid that probably struggles terribly socially, has just been mocked for his disability and you want to cancel his party? That is madness. Talk to him gently about using this word, be clear it's not ok and that some silly girl is not worth him getting into trouble for. Be clear about him not using it again and how he can handle it differently if something like this happens again. He needs support now, I expect he was terribly upset by what happened and I personally don't blame him one bit for lashing out in return.

He has ASD, he can't put himself in someone else's shoes and his emotional maturity is years below his age. You need to take a different tack with this kid, understand where he is coming from. IME it is not unusual at all for a kid with ASD to think that because someone else says or does something that that makes it ok. With the racist jokes he may have heard someone tell them and other people laughed - and that's what he learnt, if I say this people will laugh and think I'm funny and like me. He might not even understand the joke (I don't know) but people think it's funny so he's saying it to make people laugh and he can't see beyond that.

Please don't feel ashamed of him, just spend a lot of time reading and researching autistic behaviour and why he might behave the way he behaves. He needs you really badly OP because secondary school is probably a really, really tough place for him. Concentrate on other ways for him to handle things which will help him in the future rather than focusing on punishing him which will just reduce his (probably already rock bottom) self esteem. Role playing examples and going over and over and over it may be really helpful to him.

I would take devices away for a week and make him write an apology to the girl. Really talk to him about how that makes made her feel.

OP, I think what I'd say to D's is how would you feel if someone called you, whatever term he used to that girl?

I think if he would have already had to apologise at school. If she was calling him autistic as an insult, then she should also be apologising and made to understand think being ND or any other form of learning difficulty isn't something to ridicule.

I think that him writing a letter of apology may open the gates to humiliation if she flaunts it around and shows it to her friends etc. A verbal apology is good enough to avoid anyone else antagonising him.

I would think that a serious talk about the meaning would be better.

The ultimate aim is for him to understand why what he said wasn't OK. Punishment isn't the only way to teach this. Younger teenagers often use insults without understanding what they truly mean so firstly I'd be getting him to explain to you what his understanding of the word was. Then there would be a frank discussion about what it really really means and the reality of why it's so bad. Whether a punishment was needed would very much depend on how he responded to the above.

He has the social maturity of a seven year old and other children at his school routinely use that word? I can see why he would think it was OK to use it sadly. How many times do parents let out a swear word and their 6 or 7 year old picks up on it?

He should write a letter of apology to the girl, but is she going to write a letter of apology to him for using his disability as an insult? Is she going to continue doing it? Did she get any punishment at all?

I have read all messages and thank you all. His explanation: she said to some friends that I was autistic so I said to friends she was a €%%

So was she using as an insult to him?

I'd maybe punish in another way - confiscate his phone for a day or something. I'd also give him a good talking to. I wouldn't cancel the party.

It’s deeply disturbing that you are angry enough to severely punish your ND child without even hearing their side of the story

^

Deeply disturbing?? Really??

I'd give some sort of punishment but canceling the party Is a little extreme.

I absolutely would cancel the party. If he's going to behave like that with his peers, then it does work as a direct consequence. Treats his peers like that: no celebrating with them. He'll remember it.

ND isn't an excuse for poor behaviour. My brother is ASD and he would never have got away with this; on the occasions his behaviour was bad, he was punished in line with the actions. He's now a very respectful and kind man. I'm ADHD and wouldn't have dreamed of behaving like this. Ever. I come from a very loving and understanding family, but poor behaviour didn't wash.

So absolutely. Cancel party, and lock down his Internet access. I'd wonder where he was getting his ideas from. He knew exactly what he was saying but did it anyway. He's 14, not 7. Very soon he'll be a man, and he needs a swift lesson in how to treat women before another misogynistic prick is released into the world.

Maybe go read the thread on the parenting crisis to open your eyes. A 14yo using that type of insult is far from a good lad.

^

This!!!