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Here you'll find advice from parents and teachers on special needs education.

Original poster

School have queried autism but I just can’t see it.

33 replies

WisteriaSister · 17/11/2024 10:57

I’d appreciate thoughts and advice, especially if you have a daughter diagnosed with autism. I’m sorry it’s long, I’m trying to include enough context.

I feel quite knowledgeable about autism (I’m a paediatrician though autism is not part of my practice) but this has blindsided me. Has anyone had a child who’s gone on to be diagnosed with autism when you didn’t really notice any significant signs?

my DD (7) has always been insecure with her friendships. She’s an only child, no extended family nearby or close, missed out socialising during Covid, a late July baby, and is in a small rural school where the other girls in her class are autumn born and seemingly more outgoing.

DD has never had a really secure friendship group although she’s tended to get on with everyone and join in whatever games. She’s always wanted friends and to have stronger friendships than she does - though she also enjoys time on her own (she’s happy to wave friends off after a play date!).

In the last year or so, she’s been part of a group which is dominated by one girl in particular who seems do a lot of ostracising/criticising and leaving out. DD is often one of the girls who is on the wrong side of her. When it’s another girl being ostracised, DD tends to fret about the wellbeing of whoever else is left out - so those days are upsetting for her as well as the days when she’s the victim. Generally there’s a lot of stress and drama between all of the girls I think.

Anyway, I’ve been raising this with school as it’s really affecting DD’s wellbeing. School have now said they also are worried about DD as she’s really anxious in school about all sorts of things (not just friends), and also gets very very very upset over the friendship dynamics and can’t be talked round. They also said they think she gets too happy when things go well. I’ve been raising this in the context of what I see as low-level bullying in the friendship group. But they are saying they’re really concerned about her mental health, and think I should consider the possibility she has autism.

other bits of info for context, she does very well academically and hasn’t had any developmental delays (language, motor, sensory). She’s fairly easy at home except when tired or stressed (usually from a friendship things). She’s fairly confident outside of school, good language and conversational skills, caring towards others. No intense interests. Never any prolonged tantrums when little. Dramatic flounces and lots of “this is the worst!!!!” Type exclamations when things don’t go her way now - but only when always stressed about something else.

my instinct is that, yes, DD is anxious and stressed in school - the recent “bullying” has interacted with existing social vulnerability due to her younger age, her less-good socialising (being an only, Covid, not having lots of family friends to knock about with etc).

BUT if school are seeing autism, I don’t want to discount it. I’m wondering from a parent’s view, if this has happened to you, and if there were any things in hindsight that were a “sign” that only became clear after the diagnosis or things you felt were typical because they fitted into your family life but later you realised were more unusual compared to other children.

I’m just going round and round in circles in my mind. Thanks very much if you have read all of this and if you have any insight you can share. Thank you.

OP posts:
BrightYellowTrain · 17/11/2024 12:46

So, thinking further, perhaps I need to go along with what they are saying about autism and also insist they address the bullying/playtime dynamics.

This is what I would do. Whether or not the school sees it as bullying, they need to do something.^

Even if it wasn’t bullying, and I am not saying it isn’t, the school needs to provide more support to support the interaction and communication difficulties and anxiety.

Another thing to think about, you say no special interests. It is worth thinking about that some more. Often with girls, their special interests initially go unnoticed because they are more socially acceptable interests than the stereotypical view of special interests.

Original poster
WisteriaSister · 17/11/2024 12:36

Thank you @Tina159 thats really helpful, I appreciate you taking the time. Lots for me to think about.

OP posts:
Tina159 · 17/11/2024 12:17

DS wasn't diagnosed till 10, no one had any concerns before his very experienced teacher suggested it, I had never considered it. But then it did add up in 101 little ways and he was diagnosed with Aspergers. He was bright, no language issues, never any delays. As he got older the social gap became a bit more obvious - he was still into toys at 10 while others were already getting into girls and he became more introverted through secondary school - but got excellent grades. I put things down to him being an only child or to him being a bit fussy (food/sensory things), to him just being a little quirky at times - nothing stood out hugely though.

For assessment I wrote down every little thing I had noticed for example he was really liked telephones for a while when he was little, he would explain jokes when he first learned to tell them, he didn't like to eat anything in sauce - lots of little things like that. The report from school was done by his new teacher and made him sound like the perfect child! (He was clever and well behaved) but he was diagnosed within 45 minutes by a paediatrician that specialised in ASD.

Original poster
WisteriaSister · 17/11/2024 12:16

So, thinking further, perhaps I need to go along with what they are saying about autism and also insist they address the bullying/playtime dynamics. At the moment, they are saying there is no bullying it’s that my daughter just doesn’t understand/cope because she’s autistic. Teacher has admitted she has no idea what happens in the playground though (!!!!). However, I’ve literally witnessed some of it at pick up/drop off, and I know of some other parents who have had concerns about the ringleader before. So I need to push them to support and address that, regardless of what diagnosis may come or not come for my DD….

OP posts:
Original poster
WisteriaSister · 17/11/2024 12:11

Thank you. You are right that they are not mutually exclusive, and I shouldn’t get drawn into a battle of one or the other with the school.

OP posts:
BrightYellowTrain · 17/11/2024 12:07

The school should be addressing the bullying (and providing support now) as well as looking at a referral for assessment. It shouldn’t be instead of.

The friendship difficulties and the anxiety can be the autism. For many girls, they are the first signs when you look back. Sadly, many are bullied because they are autistic (even if they aren’t diagnosed at the time). As a result of unmet needs and bullying, many have trauma. So it doesn't have to be one or the other.

Original poster
WisteriaSister · 17/11/2024 11:58

Thanks for your thoughts. I actually agree with everything you’re saying ….. but just can’t feel it applying to me/her, I can’t think of any adjustments I make aside from being a relatively conscientious parent but nothing different to all my friends really (I know that I might just be incredibly wrong about that - like you say, too close and therefore too blind).

They’re not suggesting a referral (yet) but even if so, the waiting list is around two years so so wouldn’t have access to a specialists opinion until then. I could pay for a private assessment if I can find a reliable clinic near to us. I suppose I’m worried about going along with the autism “explanation” if it means the school don’t address the “bullying”, and then it turns out that DD is had two further years of damage to her wellbeing by pursuing a “within-child” cause rather than an environmental one…. If that makes sense.

I know the medical professions idea of autism can be a bit basic and outdated so I could well be missing something but…. If a child is academically able, able to apply and generalise their learning, has good conversational language skills, and no other difficulties apart from friendships and anxiety….. then where is the autism compared to a girl who is “bullied” and anxious about it? (Sorry, I’m just thinking aloud as it were, I’m not demanding an answer from you!).

OP posts:
BrightYellowTrain · 17/11/2024 11:47

If the school is suggesting a referral for assessment, I would listen. Obviously, sometimes they are not correct. They aren’t qualified to diagnose. But some parents (including HCPs) don’t see the difficulties/recognise them for what they are because they are too close to the situation, whereas schools see all kinds of children.

Being academically able with friendship difficulties but having good language skills and the anxiety/worry are all typical of some girls with autism. Many don’t realise they are the signs until after diagnosis. As the demands increase as you head towards and through secondary school, the wheels start to fall off for some.

Are you making adjustments are home without even realising it? Sometimes parents make adjustments to home life and they don’t realise they are even doing that. It means DC cope better at home because the environment meets their needs better.