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Original poster

Child custody of Sen child - worried!

29 replies

Senmum2 · 16/01/2024 15:22

Hello,

I’m wondering if anyone has been in my situation or could offer some advice please?

For accuracy I’ve included real details - completing outing if anyone who knows me in real life. Hi 👋 but I will do whatever I can in this situation.

I am mum of 2 children. My son has adhd, asd & anxiety. High level Dla care. My daughter had no diagnosis but is extremely emotional so it’s questionable . I am registered carer for my son I gave up work years ago to help him attend school. Dad is a high earner with demanding job so it was impossible for me to continue working as I was having emergency calls to collect my son from pre school on regular basis.

Fast forward a few years my partner & I have split up . His choice as I ‘am now just a mum’ and the small fact he had a much younger girlfriend ready to pop out of the wings.

We were not married (I know) so I have no income or pension - I am now working for myself in periods I can juggle. (Work in field of Sen, anxious/ sensory issues with children & adults).

Dad remained in family home (very large nice house) children & I moved to a much smaller affordable house (I feel lucky it’s mine, no mortgage but the transition to 1 bathroom, rubbish heating, electrics tiny kitchen no dishwasher or washing machine etc has been tricky for kids to get their head around but we are getting there & I hope to make it lovely for us - one bit at a time).

Dad has children every Fri night & Sat day. More in school holidays. The kids get dysregulated as return to the only house they ever knew (& loved) for one night. My son in particular is anxious on Fri day & very clingy to me sat night, Sunday & Monday.

Both myself & school feel (especially for my son) being in one home (mine) every school night is best for kids & the same night away every week creates a know routine.

I am of course open to access during school night - just not sleepovers.

My problem - dad has got solicitors writting to me to up the arrangement & work towards 50/50 split - they are prepared to take court action.

This would not be great for kids who are preparing for transition to secondary. Also dad would then pay no csa so I would be unable to say in current house with
. I bet I would still be required to undertake all medical appointments/ mental health forms/ medicine review etc as dad is unaware of situations never done them.

Anyway sorry for long post …. Has anyone else been in this situation? I can’t afford a solicitor so will represent myself and any advice- signposting to useful case law would be really helpful.

thank you if you’ve read this far! 😀

OP posts:
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Senmumturtle · 04/04/2026 10:13

Hello sorry to jump on your post, I’m going through similar and I was wondering what did you need to collect for this in the end to best advocate for your child with SEN needs to ensure their best interests were voiced and heard? What reports helped to show their needs.
Any help would be appreciated thank you

MySparklyRoseCritic · 24/01/2026 05:53

@Senmum2 thank you so much for the update.
Oh gosh, well it sounds like it's all worked out OK, I'm so glad.
I'm glad you managed to avoid court as well!

Original poster
Senmum2 · 22/01/2026 17:05

Hi mums,

Well to be honest it was a very stressful time ..... with lots of threats and bluster .... but that's all it ended up being.

I did get panicked into getting solicitors advice because his solicitors were writing to me saying I needed legal representation.

it cost me £600 to be told I am my child's main carer, legally with DLA, carers allowance, attend all medial appointment and emotionally as school/ medial professionals knew my son reacted well to my support.

i obviously was not discussing or
letting on in frontnof kids any possible change. We did agree every other full weekend for a trail.

My son was struggling to sleep, eat etc when with dad. After a couple of months of every other weekend he told school that when at his dad he spends the night trying to thing of ways to end his life so he could have a deep sleep ...at 10 years old .... .. the laying awake unsettled must have been so bad for him.

It was an awful time but since then kids first, I'm stronger now and can push back as know I'm putting kids first.

My son has not slept over at dad's since he shared his thoughts .... that's well over a year.

my other child was also asking to do just one night a week .... so we went back to the old pattern for them.

no more requests for joint custody...... in fact hardly any requests to have them other than one child one night a week. Dad asks to have them for special occasions ie he asked and had them on Christmas Day this year. But no requests for any other days or nights during the two week school Christmas holiday. Also no request for October half term or Feb half term. Last year was the same pattern, just requested for special days ie Christmas/ Easter and a week in school summer holiday for a holiday abroad .... no requests for other days in the school holidays or otherwise.

I am thinking he's come to the same conclusion- that a) his lifestyle is not suited to having the kids more (especially son with high needs) but also the kids want to have the stability and routine of one main household.

To not rock the boat I do compromise ie I agree to kids with dad when he asks on 'special days' I can't stand the arguments or pressure he put on kids for them to speak to me about it (even though they are not fussed on going they find it difficult to say no to him - they rather I do this). I also say to CSA one child sleeps over 2 nights a week & my son 1 night ..... if think if he feels he is getting 'a deal' he won't rock the boat either.

But all in all, we advoided court. The kids know where they are and have security at main home with me. I struggle a bit financially and for childcare .... but it's a pay off I'm willing to make for my kids well-being and all our sanity.

OP posts:
Lizziewest88 · 21/01/2026 20:23

MySparklyRoseCritic · 21/01/2026 06:44

Hi @Senmum2
Just been reading your thread with interest as I am going through a similar situation. Did you get sorted in the end and what was the outcome? Are you ok with it and does it work for the children?
Sorry for all the questions, just genuinely interested how you got on!

Me too!

MySparklyRoseCritic · 21/01/2026 06:44

Hi @Senmum2
Just been reading your thread with interest as I am going through a similar situation. Did you get sorted in the end and what was the outcome? Are you ok with it and does it work for the children?
Sorry for all the questions, just genuinely interested how you got on!

Original poster
Senmum2 · 23/02/2024 16:42

Thank you for that coffee cup. I hope you didn’t have to go through too much of an ordeal.

OP posts:
CoffeeCup14 · 23/02/2024 13:38

I do. A lot depends on the age and capacity of your children. Our issues were quite complicated around the care of the children, but ultimately the court followed the wishes of the children.

samqueens · 01/02/2024 01:05

Might be worth looking to see if there are any legal clinics near you for advice - usually they have a family law person and are free to access. They can be of real help.

Original poster
Senmum2 · 22/01/2024 09:19

I’m so happy that you got the result that works for you and your children, it must have been woring though.

OP posts:
RMNofTikTok · 21/01/2024 21:47

Senmum2 · 21/01/2024 21:07

Was 50/50 the result you wanted for you & your kids?

Yes because I have a disability and also need to be able to (try to) work.

Original poster
Senmum2 · 21/01/2024 21:07

Was 50/50 the result you wanted for you & your kids?

OP posts:
RMNofTikTok · 21/01/2024 20:28

Senmum2 · 21/01/2024 19:48

Has anyone had personal experience of custody hearings re sen kids? I guess im looking now to find out what evidence I should collect to show the courts that stability & continuity with one main household during term time is best for my kids.

Thank you

Yes, me! Dad wanted custody, he got 50/50 as we'd always shared the care equally.

Original poster
Senmum2 · 21/01/2024 19:48

Has anyone had personal experience of custody hearings re sen kids? I guess im looking now to find out what evidence I should collect to show the courts that stability & continuity with one main household during term time is best for my kids.

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Senmum2 · 21/01/2024 19:47

Thank you for your advice. I’ll do not my children well. And as any SEN mum I’ve found myself being a strong advocate on many occasions so I will look into McKenzie friend - Thank you.

OP posts:
RMNofTikTok · 21/01/2024 17:51

Senmum2 · 21/01/2024 17:49

No we didn’t go to court for finances as no divorce.

ok, shall I look for a McKenzie friend who is local then?

If you didn't go to court for schedule one why did you both need a solicitor? So you've got no order? I'd apply for schedule one in that case.

Yes I think a McKenzie friend would be the way to go as you seem very articulate and I'm sure you can speak for yourself in court. You know your children best so will be their best advocate.

Original poster
Senmum2 · 21/01/2024 17:49

No we didn’t go to court for finances as no divorce.

ok, shall I look for a McKenzie friend who is local then?

OP posts:
Original poster
Senmum2 · 21/01/2024 17:47

Oh no … sorry for the crazy predictive text change … I wouldn’t have been able to cover mortgage let alone large bills.

I don’t know why it changed able for a jew! A phrase I’ve never typed before!!! 😢

OP posts:
RMNofTikTok · 21/01/2024 17:46

Senmum2 · 21/01/2024 17:42

House 50/50 but he is high earner so could pay me off out of savings & pay the mortgage going forward. I wouldn’t have been a Jew to cover mortgage let alone large bills - I’m ok we have our own home - it feels more secure & it will suit our needs, just needs a bit of work to get there - we are getting there though.

I couldn’t pay for the legal fees for the financial arrangement - so he paid both solicitors & im paying 50% of total bill back …. I know it was his choice to have the legal document… but to ge honest I just needed to get the kids & I out so we could feel more stable.

it is what it is, we will be fine but I won’t be able to manage if I pay a legal battle for custody… it seems so unnecessary as kids are obviously well cared for by me & I have no problem with access/ relationship with dad- just not 50/50 and no sleepovers on school nights …. I think that’s fair & the best situation for the kids …. Everything I read or hear though points to courts going for 50/50 but I don’t know any cases like me where I am registered carer for my son

You didn't need a solicitor for the financial order, was it ordered by the court? Because if not I think you may have been ripped off. 50/50 when you have the kids and he earns more is not what the courts would have ordered, it would have been more like 65% in your favour.

You also do not need a solicitor for child arrangements. This is in theory a very simple case as there are no safeguarding concerns that you've alluded to, at the most you might just need a McKenzie friend to help you write statements.

Original poster
Senmum2 · 21/01/2024 17:42

House 50/50 but he is high earner so could pay me off out of savings & pay the mortgage going forward. I wouldn’t have been a Jew to cover mortgage let alone large bills - I’m ok we have our own home - it feels more secure & it will suit our needs, just needs a bit of work to get there - we are getting there though.

I couldn’t pay for the legal fees for the financial arrangement - so he paid both solicitors & im paying 50% of total bill back …. I know it was his choice to have the legal document… but to ge honest I just needed to get the kids & I out so we could feel more stable.

it is what it is, we will be fine but I won’t be able to manage if I pay a legal battle for custody… it seems so unnecessary as kids are obviously well cared for by me & I have no problem with access/ relationship with dad- just not 50/50 and no sleepovers on school nights …. I think that’s fair & the best situation for the kids …. Everything I read or hear though points to courts going for 50/50 but I don’t know any cases like me where I am registered carer for my son

OP posts:
RMNofTikTok · 21/01/2024 16:19

Why do you owe him legal fees?

What % split was the house?

Original poster
Senmum2 · 21/01/2024 16:16

Thank you for your advise.

We have made the fincial split, hence him buying me out of my house share & I have purchased something smaller. I have no further claim. But it’s ours, I thought we needed stability and not the worry of always having to love over our head. Hense the house needing a bit of work/ modernisation… it’s a good house & fell in my budget.

I hope mediation/ courts would go for the status quo ….. the kids really don’t need any more changes & the worry/ prep if possible court takes my sole focus off them. I’m definitely full time carer - think attending school daily for lunches, early finishes, for any ‘situations’ that occur as well as all the
medical appointments, home things and night care as sleeping issues ….. I always have been the carer so are you suggesting if I can evidence that the courts may wish to keep things consistent?

re csa I have monthly payments but I owe him some money for some of the mortgage & the legal fees incurred so part of it is used to pay that back.

OP posts:
RMNofTikTok · 21/01/2024 14:18

Hi, I'm a McKenzie friend and can give you some information.

First of all, you can make a financial claim under schedule 1 of the children act 1989 or TOLATA.

Secondly, you could consider applying for an occupation order for the marital home under the family law act 1996.

Thirdly, he can demand 50/50 all he likes, you just need to evidence that you have been the primary carer, and why leaving you as the primary carer is in the children's best interests. Ignore any mud slinging, the courts are very likely to order the status quo.

Have you claimed all of the benefits you might be entitled to?

Have you claimed child maintenance?

Original poster
Senmum2 · 18/01/2024 09:26

Morning,

As an update it has been agreed we can go to mediation which is good.

has anyone has experience of mediation with Sen child? Apart from letters or reports from professionals on my child needs is there anything else that could help the children remain with me during school nights?

Has anyone had experience of mediation with a Sen child please?

OP posts:
Original poster
Senmum2 · 16/01/2024 21:51

Thank you for all the sensible advice.

I have a grant for part of the summer house from the family fund. No equipment but I have stuff to use - just need the space to put it in & some outdoor stuff ie basket ball hoop. I need to get the ground levelled & concreted but it is all manageable for the late spring ….. if I don’t engage solicitors.

I’ll have a rethink this week & speak to a solicitor re estimated cost & what is needed. It galls me that dad had not had a discussion with me about arrangements- just sends solicitor letters pre Christmas …. Knowing full well things are tight- maybe that’s why he did it he can obviously afford to send solicitor letters.

I hope the courts or mediation view his lack of personal communication and choice of strongly worded solicitor letters instead as a silly and unnecessary action.

OP posts:
KeepGoingThomas · 16/01/2024 20:03

Have you looked at grants for sensory equipment? Depending on DS’s needs maybe also a disabled facilities grant.

Unfortunately, if ex takes it to court and loses he may well decide to try again in the future. However, by that point, depending on DS’s SEN/capacity to understand things etc. he will be old enough to have his views taken into account.