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SEN

Here you'll find advice from parents and teachers on special needs education.

Original poster

4 year old with possible adhd - I'm desperately needing help

35 replies

Ikeepontrying · 24/06/2023 18:28

I'm at my whits end. I could cry most days and I'm just clueless how to manage my 4 year old.

He struggles with instructions. Struggles to sit/stand still. Is terrible in restaurants, supermarkets. Overly confident with adults, thinks he's in charge of me. Screams at me most days for hardly doing anything. I don't feel like im living a normal life. He demands my attention all the time and can't play by himself.

He likes destroying/breaking things on purpose.

He's very much a mummy's boy and is very loving but I can't deal with all the screaming and defiance.

Where can I get some help? I've tried everything such as positive parenting, reward charts, clear simple instructions etc but things seem to be getting worse not better.

Nursery don't see any of what I see. He manages to follow instruction there but outside it's just terrible. I can see my family / friends think he's just unruly but I know it's more than that but im fed up with feeling so out of control.

Anyone please help me

OP posts:
ThomasWasTortured · 24/06/2023 22:18

I would make a list of things you need to do. For example, you could start with:
-Speak to the primary school’s SENCO - I would do this urgently. DS needs support and an enhanced transition.
-Investigate whether you can self refer for an ASD &/or ADHD assessment - if you can’t ask the GP or nursery to refer.
-Read up and start using some PDA strategies, Yvonne Newbold’s strategies and things mentioned in Ross Greene’s book - it is trial and error, some will work, others won’t.

Original poster
Ikeepontrying · 24/06/2023 21:50

Thank you replying. I feel so alone and honestly have recently felt like the worst mum and not known why.

So where do I go from here? He's only at nursery another 4 weeks until he breaks up for the holidays. How do I get the coping mechanisms? I'm willing to learn I just have no clue how best to deal with the issues he has and what to say. I'll read up more about pda strategies which I definitely think will help. It's him 100%

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ThomasWasTortured · 24/06/2023 21:36

You are not shit or failing DS.

Nursery should still be providing support. Holding it together at nursery/school and exploding at home isn’t uncommon. It is known as the coke bottle effect. It doesn’t mean the problem is at home. If nursery was easier, home life would likely improve too.

Original poster
Ikeepontrying · 24/06/2023 21:30

I've never heard of pda, just had to google it and that sums up ds to a T.
Oh god why do I not know these things? I feel like a shit parent and failing him.

Nursery don't see any issue which is why I think I'm getting more outbursts because he's holding everything in while there and then exploding at home. It's exhausting. I will speak to his school before he starts but expect something similar.

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ThomasWasTortured · 24/06/2023 21:23

There may also be an element of demand avoidance. Looking at PDA strategies may help.

You need to ensure a referral is made. In some areas you can self refer, if you can’t in your area the GP &/or nursery will be able to.

Have you spoken to the SENCO at the primary school DS will attend? The nursery should be providing support, are they?

Being able to recognise emotions and deeper emotional literacy and regulation are quite different. The difficulties you describe suggest DS struggles to one extent or another with emotional literacy and regulation. Nursery could start using something like Zones of Regulation.

Original poster
Ikeepontrying · 24/06/2023 21:12

I'm not sure any of those books would help, talking about feelings has never been a problem and we speak daily about how we feel, sad, excited happy, annoyed etc. he's really good at recognising all those emotions. It's everything else and daily living and battles, negotiations, instructions, defiance everything else

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Original poster
Ikeepontrying · 24/06/2023 21:03

I think ds and myself are both overwhelmed. I'm struggling and hate to admit it but also have no back up. My parents are older and my dad has zero patience. DH is no help really and doesn't understand how hard all this is.
I just want more tools to be able to deal with situations and know what to say and how to handle things. I feel completely out of control.

Yea ds starts school in sept. It was mentioned about adhd at his preschool review in jan but nothings happened since then.

Is there Instagram or Facebook pages or forums for general help?

I'll have a look at the suggestions you've already mentioned now

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SusiePevensie · 24/06/2023 20:39

What Thomas said.

Usborne do two excellent bools called 'all.about feelings' and 'all about friends'. Unlike most emotion books for kids they don't compare Perfect Patsy with Naughty Nora and tell Nora to do breathing exercises.

Molly Potter's books are good too.

Some kids find reward charts and suchlikr are just extra pressure.

ThomasWasTortured · 24/06/2023 19:37

DS sounds completely overwhelmed.

It also sounds like he is possibly masking at nursery and you are experiencing the coke bottle effect. What support is DS receiving at nursery? Is he starting school is September?

Has DS been referred for further assessment?

Some people find Ross Greene’s The Explosive Child book and Yvonne Newbold’s resources.

The SEN boards are quieter, so replies generally aren’t as quick, but the replies you do get are generally more understanding of SEN than you get on some of the main boards.

Original poster
Ikeepontrying · 24/06/2023 19:06

Anyone??

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