4 year old with possible adhd - I'm desperately needing help

Are there any parenting courses in your area? Such as Solihull or Triple P? Also, I've found the book 'How to talk so little kids listen' useful, and look up Positive Parenting solutions on Facebook...its American and you have to pay for the main course, but there are sometimes free webinars and you can sign up to get emails with useful content in them too.The lady talks alot of sense, such as about the power bucket and attention buckets that children need to fill each day.

How are you doing, OP? I am really struggling as well. My 4 year old is breaking my heart. It's not his fault, I know, but I just wish he was easier. He's a bit different to yours as he's great in shops and restaurants usually, but a nightmare when playing with other children and has lots of angry outbursts at nursery. I'm so worried about him starting school. We have an assessment type session with a HV next week as I suspect autism or ADHD or both. If she thinks he may be neurodiverse, we'll probably look at a private diagnosis as waiting lists are so long, but she said probably more than £1000...

Not read the full thread yet but YOU ARE NOT SHIT! It's not you fault you don't know everything and you've asked and now are learning which is about the best anyone can do.

m.facebook.com/groups/207951976411320/?ref=share

Facebook group FULL of parents of ND kids you can get advice and read about other families like yours, god send honestly.

How do you know it didn’t hurt or cause him discomfort? Some people who are ND experience pain and sensation differently, so just because it may not have appeared to hurt/cause discomfort to you doesn’t mean it didn’t for DS. Sensory OT can help with this. SALT could also help DS communicate his needs/experience. The school supporting Zones of Regulation work would help, you could then prompt/model/discuss using the strategies in that colour.

My daughter can display some fairly extreme behaviour when disregulated but when her needs are met (which they mostly are at the moment) then she's OK (with occasional outbursts).

So hopefully this means you're doing a good job!

I wouldn’t necessarily rule it out. Just like with anything, there is a range of presentations. And, don’t forget those posting are going to be the ones at the more extreme end, those managing/coping are less likely to post on such a group. DS may also display demand avoidance without being at the level of having PDA (which in many areas in the UK isn’t diagnosed as a stand-alone diagnosis anyway).

Your comment made me laugh about also getting to restaurants bang on opening time and pre-reading the menu. Oh god, sometimes you have to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all 🥲😂

Tbh some days are worse than others. Most of the time we just plough on as we are doing- working with the school on getting more support, doing the exact same sticker charts (to middling success) and colour charts as they use, sticking to exact same bedtime routine, using a chew/sensory necklace, limiting play dates to 60 minutes tops (if it's more than 1 other child, even shorter), limiting screen time, exercising constantly- bike rides before and after school on weekdays. God the list is endless but I'll spare you!
We don't go to any support groups or anything like that although do listen to so many podcasts about child adhd, specifically seek out anything with dr Barkley in (adhd specialist).
I'm constantly googling what more we can do (hence finding this thread!). Apparently there are training courses for parents which - once we get a diagnosis- we'll attend.

Hope everything works out well for you today! Praying no meltdowns in this heat 🙈

We also mostly avoided restaurants. Again she can cope with them now. Wagamama was a bit of a breakthrough (likes the chopsticks).

A major boon for us was finding a small family owned holiday park when she was 4. Small shop, small soft play, small and well organised restaurant, bar, pool, playground. We've been there 10+ times.

A great place to role play "going to a shop" etc!

We did almost entirely avoid shops with DD. We can take her in them now she's upper primary age. They're a massive sensory overload I guess.

Delegate food shopping to your husband, OP?

My DH's main contribution is that kind of stuff. Food shopping, cooking, driving.

Why can’t you avoid the shops? (Genuine question.) It takes more planning and sometimes is slightly more expensive, but DS is telling you he can’t cope in shops. Taking him is setting him, and you, up to ‘fail’.

We don’t take teen DS1 shopping. He can’t cope, and it doesn’t end well for him or us.

Hi OP, been through this. Things that helped:

The book @ThomasWasTortured mentioned "The Explosive Child". It will make you feel less alone. There's lots of humane advice for parents in there. Another good one is Jeffrey Bernstein's 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child.

I found a PDA parents' Facebook group for my area by looking at the listings on the websites for autism charities.

Google your council name plus "local offer" to find a list of local groups and organisations.

NVR is a good technique (Yvonne Newbold does it but there are other practitioners - we used New Leaf NVR). My DH was more engaged with this than the PDA group as it's basically all mums (mostly single as the other halves have buggered off and left them with the challenging children).

Seek a speech and language assessment. Just because your DC is articulate, doesn't mean there aren't language issues. We have this.

Save hard. You have to pay for most help.

Health visitors and GPs may be sympathetic but they generally don't know anything useful! I have had more than one interaction where they are writing down tips from me!

Do something just for yourself every week.

I know what you mean, IRL we know a few boys with ADHD, but my son is by far and away the most extreme. He never sits still, climbs on everything.
During meal times, he barely sits down and only eats a few things- plain pasta or pizza. Although tbf he does eat cucumber and peppers so we always try and ply him with those. He rarely eats more than half of what's on the plate anyway.
We hardly ever go to restaurants- unless we know the service is really quick, and even then we'll only go immediately at opening time when we're served quickly. It's not relaxing so we don't really bother.

It's so stressful as most things you read -strategies to help- are ineffective when the going gets tough! They're great when my son is feeling happy/cooperative but 20% they don't work at all. Also, I feel so patronised by the whole "be consistent with consequences", what does that mean exactly for kids with adhd who literally don't care if they don't get privileges, stickers or treats? I struggle so much when my son resists discipline. Whenever we go to play dates I feel so judged as he doesn't listen to me. Agh!

It's really hard .... I really feel for you.

I just stopped taking my boy into any shop or go shopping when he was in nursery / with his dad as it was too stressful and he hated it..... which made everyone hate it

Some children can't cope with shops / restaurants but you have to do what you have to - good luck

Maybe take him to the park, a bike ride with a picnic, swimming, play farm - do activities that he will enjoy. The slow service of restaurants is far too boring for a child.

I never take my boy anywhere near a supermarket (we get deliveries) and very occasionally to a restaurant (maybe once every 6 months or longer) both those things my boy finds highly boring and stressful. He's diagnosed with pda. I'd try to enjoy your little boy as if it is pda it only gets harder to the older they get .... (stronger, more refusals, more anxiety, less likely to engage with life)

Regarding food - my boy literally couldn't sit on a chair to eat he was too busy. Now he's medicated for adhd he has actually probably gone into overweight (gaming and eating beige foods 😭)

I relate so much to this! My son is basically exactly the same. I was just googling "how to handle adhd naughty child" and came across this thread. I know naughty is an outdated word in some parenting circles but JESUS! It's apt sometimes isn't it?! He absolutely pushes me and his dad beyond belief, and no amount of exercise, praise or sticker charts effects him when he's in one of his manic moods (which come and go, sometimes with no obvious trigger).

People without such a child have no idea! I often wish I could just sit down to watch a film with him or something equally as calm but it's just go go go all the time.
Tbh it's not so much the energy and exercise needs I find hard, it's the hitting, bitting- constant threat of violence, the unpredictability at play dates, the meltdowns when I say no. The not going to bed. It's the defiance like you say.

My son is also 4, (5 in a few months) and at school. We're working with his SENCO to get a adhd referral (apparently a 18 month wait though!). I honestly don't know when it will get better so I'm sorry I'm not much help here, I just have to believe that all the "positive parenting" strategies will start working at some point soon for my sanity!

We had a bloody awful day/night yesterday so hoping it's easier today. Some days/ weeks are def harder than others- this hot weather isn't helping either as so humid at night and god only knows my son needs his sleep.

We love our boy so much, when he's not being, quite frankly aggressive and antagonistic he's kind, caring and very funny. I just hope as he gets older he'll be able to better manage the anger and aggression and the sweeter side of him will be more dominant! I hope you also have a better day today x

Hi @Ikeepontrying you mention restaurants and supermarkets being terrible. Sometimes children with sensory processing difficulties find those environments difficult to handle. Might be worth making a note of the situations that he struggles in. With SPD children are able to “zone in” and not get overwhelmed in situations that they find particularly fun or enjoyable - my child is a point in case and LOVES soft play, but can’t bear a classroom setting.

Also, and I don’t mean to be trite but is he getting enough sleep? My child is a horror when overtired and behaves in a very similar manner. What’s his toileting like? Any reason to believe that there may be food intolerances at play?

Don't be hard on yourself - you’ll get there x