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SEN

Here you'll find advice from parents and teachers on special needs education.

Original poster

This is breaking me. 6yo about to be excluded.

118 replies

NDandMe · 10/05/2023 18:28

His behaviour is erratic, violent, and uncontrollable at school. I know and accept this is an untenable situation and the school has a duty of care for the other children as well as him.

We are doing all we can, but he is violent at home, too. He kicks and punches me, he kicks off at random things, and any behaviour management techniques only last a short time.

He's been referred for both ADHD and ASD. His behaviour is so extreme he's been bumped to the top of the waiting list for the Ed Psych - we have an appointment after the half term break. The school can't give him the resource he needs to function- sometimes 2 or even 3 adults in the room.

I am doing all the "right" things according to the woman on the CAMHS hotline. But he's still in crisis, about to be excluded, and I don't know what more I can do. What else is there? What am I missing? I've asked for a reduced timetable but I don't think he's going to last until half term at this rate.

He refuses to accept he's been violent at school, and says his teachers are lying. How can I address an issue he won't even admit to? What more can I do? I am overwhelmed and scared. I wouldn't blame anyone for saying I'm a bad mother and he should be excluded. I'd be furious if a child like this hurt my own DC. But here I am, feeling powerless and worried he will be out of school with no education before he can even read properly.

OP posts:
Original poster
NDandMe · 10/05/2023 18:59

He has ear defenders, he clearly has sensory issues with noise, light, and temperature. I send him in with a hat, sunglasses, ear defenders, raincoat, and a pack of feelings cards he wears around his neck. I feel like I'm kitting him out to go to battle. School is a place he hates.

They've got him doing quiet activities on rotation in a small room, in between work. Phonics is his most hated lesson, he has to practice things over and over again by rote and it infuriates him.

He has a visual timetable but will occasionally rip it up and chuck it across the room.

OP posts:
goldenlocks · 10/05/2023 18:59

What research have you done about what the next steps are? What local support services can help you? It isn't your fault or your son's fault but you can investigate other parents' experiences and what other schooling options there are online. How will you cope with work? Poor you OP.

cansu · 10/05/2023 18:59

I would ask the la for a list of all specialist schools in the county. Look at their websites. Who do they cater for and what are the admission requirements. Many will require an EHCP but not all. Apply for an assessment of his needs. The ep report can go towards the assessment. Yes discuss the right setting with the EP but also have an idea what YOU think will work for him. The LA will want to keep him in mainstream because it is the cheapest option generally. They may also lack places in specialist provision. As a parent you want your child in a school where they can function. You don't want him excluded. When my dc were accepted into a specialist school for asd I was able to relax and know their behaviour was normal for the school they were in.

Justyouwaitandseeagain · 10/05/2023 18:58

Worth reading up on PDA and seeing if anything sounds familiar. The PDA society has some great info and strategies which are the polar opposite of traditional parenting and teaching methods.

definitely keep pushing the EHCP too. You will need this if you want to consider specialist provision.

TheDuchessOfMN · 10/05/2023 18:56

I know you said there are 2 or even 3 adults in the room, so I’ve no doubt they have tried the following, but worth saying anyway:

“Movement breaks” (breaks from the classroom, walks around school), sensory breaks (blowing bubbles) fidget toys, Playdough , jigsaws, wearing ear defenders to cope with noise.

Using a visual timetable, eg “First” and “Then”.
Using timers to tell him that there are X amount of minutes left before we move on to the next lesson.

Do you know what exactly the triggers are, eg not wanting to do particular academic work, not wanting to share, not wanting to go in/outside?

RueDeWakening · 10/05/2023 18:54

NDandMe · 10/05/2023 18:43

I don't know how to even start. Would the Ed Psych make recommendations?

Show quote history

Look on your local council's website for "local offer", should be a good starting point.

If you want to do a parental application for EHCP, the IPSEA or SOSSEN websites are a good starting point, they have template letters you can use.

Original poster
NDandMe · 10/05/2023 18:54

GoldenGorilla · 10/05/2023 18:41

Are you in England? Have you applied for an EHCP? With the level of need you’re describing it sounds like a school specifically for special needs pupils may be the best fit. Do you know about provision in your area? If you feel ok saying which part of the country you’re in, there’s bound to be posters who can advise.

I'm in England. I'll be asking the senco about an EHCP, thanks for the reminder.

OP posts:
Original poster
NDandMe · 10/05/2023 18:52

coxesorangepippin · 10/05/2023 18:30

What behaviour management techniques are you using?

Well, anything where he can earn or lost points is a cause of extreme anxiety and distress for him. School should only be using positive reinforcement, so a chart that he has control over and decides how he feels that morning or afternoon.

At home we have a "good things" journal where we can reflect together on the day and point out what he's felt happy about and what he's done that he's proud of. He had a very black and white perception of himself and will give up and call himself evil (no idea where he got that, I was horrified when he started saying it). I feel like that helps, and even on really bad days he manages at least one thing.

Distraction, countdown to a transition, pretending to race him to get ready for the day and he always wins, jokingly telling him off for cleaning his teeth, reinforcing and modeling calming techniques, teaching him self soothing actions. The list goes on.

The journal is losing its shine after a few weeks now, and our current countdown reminder is clipping a few pegs to his top, saying each one is worth 2 minutes, and he hands one to me as ever 2 minutes pass. A sand timer has been attempted in the past and that was unsuccessful, so I'm waiting for this to also stop working soon.

School tells me their plans only last a day or so, and then he refuses to participate.

OP posts:
GoldenGorilla · 10/05/2023 18:43

I also have a 6 year old who is sometimes violent, point blank refuses to admit things he doesn’t like can be true. He is nowhere near as challenging as your son (mainstream with some 1 to 1), but I definitely understand where you’re coming from and how difficult it can be emotionally. The best thing to do is to find a network of other parents who understand. If you don’t want to say where you are, try googling or looking on Facebook for Sen support groups in your area.Flowers

Original poster
NDandMe · 10/05/2023 18:43

cansu · 10/05/2023 18:31

Being excluded may help to get him a more appropriate school place. If he needs that level of adult supervision he may need a specialist place. Start finding out what is out there in your area so you are prepared.

I don't know how to even start. Would the Ed Psych make recommendations?

OP posts:
FloweryName · 10/05/2023 18:43

I work in a special school and your child sounds like plenty of others who have thrived once they are in the right setting. Have you thought about local special schools?

GoldenGorilla · 10/05/2023 18:41

Are you in England? Have you applied for an EHCP? With the level of need you’re describing it sounds like a school specifically for special needs pupils may be the best fit. Do you know about provision in your area? If you feel ok saying which part of the country you’re in, there’s bound to be posters who can advise.

blondieminx · 10/05/2023 18:41

I don’t have any advice but I did just want to say I am sorry the system is failing you and your DS so badly, and that you are enduring such a stressful situation. I hope you get some proper support and the assessment after half term is a turning point for you both. Gentle hugs to you.

Jellycatspyjamas · 10/05/2023 18:38

What provision are they making for his education while he’s excluded? Presumably his behaviour hasn’t just started being an issue, what have the school tried up until now to support him - has it worsened over time? it sounds like they’re treating it as a behavioural issue rather than a developmental one, given his level
of support needs have they/you started the assessment process for an ECHP? The school should be doing that before looking at exclusion.

Namechange224422 · 10/05/2023 18:36

With that level of need it is vanishingly unlikely to be your parenting- much more likely to be an underlying neurodiversity as you’ve suggested.

I wonder if it’s worth moving this post to the sen section? Other posters who have been through this themselves might have some concrete suggestions for things which you can try.

cansu · 10/05/2023 18:31

Being excluded may help to get him a more appropriate school place. If he needs that level of adult supervision he may need a specialist place. Start finding out what is out there in your area so you are prepared.

marrymeadam · 10/05/2023 18:31

I have very little advice as I have a 13 DD who has just been moved to a specialist unit for a few months as she is being angry and awful in school. We are waiting for an ADHD diagnosis too. The school think she has ODD too. It's awful. She is my youngest and has been raised like the others so I know it's not my parenting as they are not like it. She doesn't want to be angry and is begging for help. It's horrible and I feel for you xx

coxesorangepippin · 10/05/2023 18:30

What behaviour management techniques are you using?