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Here you'll find advice from parents and teachers on special needs education.

Original poster

DS severely lacking social skills

57 replies

ilove8pm · 31/12/2007 20:24

this is my first go at posting on mn, please forgive any errors! I am just looking for any views or guidance you can offer re my ds age 5. Since starting school (he is now in his second year) ds has been struggling very badly with the social aspect of it all. His teacher is pleased with his work in class and his progress, but he cannot manage play times or anything which involves social interaction. It seems to be getting worse with time. His reluctance to attend school is now resembling school phobia. Ds always says he cant bear social times but loves doing work in class.
Having just returned from a class gathering I am feeling really sad and worried. I watched DS tonight and he just does not know how to interact with others, like he isnt picking up on nuances in play and comes across as a bit odd. In turn his playmates spent the whole afternoon telling tales on him, telling him to come and sit with me, basically pushing him away.

From my brief description it may not sound severe, but it really is. I feel like something just doesnt add up and at the moment am desperate to help him. I wonder if it is a medically based issue or not.Does it ring bells with any parents reading it? Thanks for reading this long message, happy new year to you all p.s sorry if this wasnt most suitable place to post this.

OP posts:
Original poster
ilove8pm · 31/12/2007 21:31

Thanks for all your very useful replies. Its interesting and also encouraging to read of other chldren with similar tendencies. Kim, I think he stuggles both in school and other social situations, although maybe better one to one. I naively (sp) hadnt realised that my school would have a psychologist. in the new year I need to check that out and ask for an appointment. They definitely have a nurse because I rang her for some advice on this subject but she didnt get back to me! (in fairness she did eventually call but we kept missing each other's calls).
Kaz, sounds like my ds shares some traits with your ds. now i look back on things i am kicking myself that i didnt react more quickly. However, we too have found that it is only since full time school started that things have become much more pronounced. Its hard to keep ignoring his behaviour after a full year has passed and I can still be seen on a daily basis dragging him into school half dressed and doing his tie etc in the playground queue because we've had yet another battle to get there. And all those friends who last year were a bit young and tearful are all settled and looking at my ds!!! Maybe it sounds selfish but I think I have always worried that DS was struggling but I just wanted things to be 'normal' whatever that is! My DH and I both have a very close male relative with autism and are aware of some of the many challenges and struggles that can bring. I guess I have been an ostritch but it isnt fair to my DS and now I need to act to get him some help.

OP posts:
kaz33 · 31/12/2007 21:10

Hi ilove8pm - he does sound quite like my DS1. I started to really worry at the beginning of year 1, during reception I think they expect a lot of children to take a while to settle down.

My DS1 had poor eye contact, tantrums, totally phased out, violent, atrocious pencil grip, very sensitive to all outside stimulus such as TV, computers - phobias about buttons, zips, labels in clothes. Fidgeted all the time. Poor concentration except when engaged with his hands ie: lego/art.

Never had a formal diagnosal but have done lots of work with him privately as though I was worried no one else was. So in a strange position where we are helping him to cope in mainstream school, his school just finds his odd behaviour annoying and I was recently told he was a thug by his teacher. Certainly as he gets older (now in year 2) it is getting more challenging as his behaviour becomes more obviously different than his peers.

KIMIfullofhopefor2008 · 31/12/2007 21:04

ilove, I am ticking boxes in my head here, I would go to the school head with your concerns and ask to have a meeting with the Senco.

I have seen the film, read the book and have the t shirt, it all sounds so like DS1

Original poster
ilove8pm · 31/12/2007 20:49

thanks for replying Niecie. Ihave spoken to his teacher, and it was a bit baffling. She wasnt very aware of anything outside the class. Her comment was that he was keen and bright in the classroom and she would ask the lunch staff to keep an eye on him during breaks. Since then when i have approached her (not in formal meetings, only casually before school etc) she is non commital really. I may be oversensitive but its like she doesnt want to be bothered by me really.

I have been toying with the idea of visiting the GP, esp recently as it has worsened and is very hard to get him into school every day now.
As far as any other challenges he faces, I guess they are:
very easily tearful and many tantrums daily.
hates change
actually good with p.e but very poor fine motor skills, cannot use knife and fork. cannot dress himself without help
worries alot
sees life from an 'interesting' perspective.
obsessively counts everything, which makes life tricky
cannot leave any task unfinished
tends towards being quite violent

can i ask what first alerted you to your DS's Aspergers, and how it was diagnosed? Also, is he in mainstream school? do they help him in any specific ways?
Thank you for chatting, it is a big help to know other parents empathise and are willing to listen.

OP posts:
kaz33 · 31/12/2007 20:44

And me, my 6 year old also has mild aspergers I think (undiagonesed). He also finds social nuances very hard to pick up on. He is much happier with adult company, he makes friends as he is quite pushy and confident but then doesn't know how to maintain them. He overreacts to teasing, takes things very literally, doesn't know how to "blend" but just pushes in.

Have you tried a playdate, he might find it easier to interact one on one and that might give him confidence at school. He could just be very shy and need some help.

If he does autistic tendencies then you will probably have other concerns. It was in Yr 1 that things started to unravel.

KIMIfullofhopefor2008 · 31/12/2007 20:42

Welcome to mumsnet.
Have you spoken to his teachers about this?
Is it something that is only in the school setting? How about other social situations?

I have an 11 year old who has a massive IQ but the social skills of a dead fish, he was diagnosed with tourettes last year and is in the aspergus (sp) spectrum.

You could ask for the school to refer him to the school psychologist.

DS1 was and is fine in non school situations but is very bad at picking up on things like body language and so on.
It is sad to see your child not mixing and there is support out there, ask for it, the teacher is the place to start.
Good luck

Niecie · 31/12/2007 20:36

Hi there, Happy New Year to you too!

I was just wondering if you had spoken to the teachers about this. Do they think your DS has a problem or is just a little immature for his age.

I assume that you are considering whether or not he has some sort of autistic spectrum disorder (forgive me if I am wrong but that is what it sounds like). Have you considered taking him to your GP because if that is the problem he needs to be assessed and maybe given a diagnosis and a GP referral is the first step.

Does he have difficulties in any other areas - does he make eye contact? Does he find sport and physical activities difficult? Does he hate change? Is he obsessively interested in things?

I should declare my interest in your post in that my DS1 has Aspergers very mildly and he too finds social situations difficult although to be honest I think that often he doesn't even realise that he doesn't fit in.
I do understand you worries. My DS is 7 btw.