DS severely lacking social skills

Hello, I wondered if I could ask your advice.
I have a very good friend who has confided to us that her ds has AS. Can you tell me from your experience what things you would like other mums to be aware of when you are on a playdate? Is there anything another mum has done to intervene in a tricky situation which you felt was really helpful? Thank you for your invaluable insight.

A very comprehensive thread. Can I just bring in an (undestandably) overlooked dimension? This is the (positive) implication of a diagnosis for your child in the future. Someone who has Asperger's and KNOWS they have Asperger's is in a much better position, compared to someone who has Asperger's but does not know it.

and another thought....
organisations such as the one i work for and all affiliated to the national autistic society, do "outreach" services which support children with ASD (especially aspies) in mainstream schools.
go for it and head for mumsnet when you need some more support!!
good luck

IIlove8pm, I am certainly considering Home Ed for my DS (autistic) as I too find the stress of taking him into school is starting to weigh down on me and him, plus there are all sorts of other ways of getting socialisation (eg I take DS to a gym club, which has been totally welcoming though I do stay with him and act as this TA). I know that school is important in lots of ways, but really it's about learning how to survive peer pressure, group politics, large group dynamics etc. Not sure how relevant that will turn out to be for DS. At the moment I just feel like the school side gives a load of ignorant, patronising people a chance to poke their nose in on DS's education. Frankly, I feel like I know more about autism than any of them ever will. They trot out the same banale two or three truisms about autism("they learn visually, they have sensory needs, they need to use a visual timetable to calm their anxiety") and have absolutely no notion that it's a spectrum disorder and therefore one size does not fit all. Of course the trouble is the money. We get a contribution from the LEA for our ABA home tutors at present, on the grounds that he is also going to mainstream and they're hoping eventually to phase out the home program. If we duck out of school, they may try and take away their contribution, meaning legal action. On my better days, I think I can teach DS better than most of these schmucks (eg I am slowly slowly slowly teaching him his letters via the jolly phonics video, whereas his class teacher pretty much told me she hasn't spent any time with him at all last term, and doesn't really like to anyway as she is "scared" of him. Fabulous, huh!)_. Oh, I don't know, just ranting. But I like what I read about home ed, and you can get family and grandparents involved in different skills which sounds good.

Oops, sorry name change - tis me PB!

That's the positive thing to look forward to 8pm.
If they can get a career in the field they love and are most motivated by, they simply become mad professors or eccentric geniuses and there's nothing wrong with that.
My dad lived for his work and while my mum has always found him infuriating she respected that and encouraged his career. She does say his social skills have declined since retirement but he keeps himself busy with volunteer work on steam trains, building computers and neverending DIY jobs for us kids . I'm really glad DS will have him for a mentor.

Problem is, once you start looking you see them everywhere!!

Now I know more I can understand a really weird guy I used to work with. Absolutely brilliant at exams, numbers etc but used to fly into rages for no reason and could not relate to people at all. There have been others that nobody seemed to get on with for one reason or another and not because they were nasty but because they just didn't appear to fit in. Problem with working in accountancy I suppose - its full of geeks anyway, not much of step along spectrum to something diagnosable!

I also think my dad has some traits but really don't want DS to end up like him as he is a miserable mysogonist but thats another story. DH has always been a loner too and doesn't really have friends and has never had more than one or two even at school. He gets on well enough with people he works for/with though.

Ilove8pm, do the checklists remind you of anyone else in you or DH's family at all? Lots of people suddenly recognise traits in a family member, or even themselves. My DS is so similar to my dad that we think he must have Aspergers traits too. But he's a great role model because it's never been a problem (he was an engineer) and of course he thinks they are both perfect (and we are lesser mortals)!

Glad we can help!

I must admit that I had a look round the NAS yesterday when I did that link and found all sorts of stuff that I hadn't found before which was interesting. I took heart from some stories I found about Aspie's who have gone on to have good careers and a normal family life. I worry that nobody will want my DS when he is grown up. I hate to think of him alone without a partner for the rest of his life.

It will take a special lady to take him on but then she would have to be special for my boy anyway.

I just wanted to add that checklists are all well and good (and I recommended one so I am not having a go) but they don't sound anything like my DS and yet he is supposed to have AS too. He has so few boxes ticked that objectively I wouldn't have bothered having him referred but on the other hand, there is something amiss with him and you can't get away from his flapping, pacing and going off in a world of his own. Everything else is OK by itself, anybody can be a loner, sensitive or a bit anti-social at times, but those 3 things are the things that define him as an Aspie, I think.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that checklists aren't infallible and it really is a question of whether your gut instinct says something is not right. Their use is in making people take notice and listen to you.

For my DS, the social side is the biggest issue. He doesn't get anxious (yet) but it's like he lives in a world where we are all cartoons and he is the only real person, like a God-complex or something. That's why he has to do everything for himself and why we're not worth talking to sometimes. I used to say that people are just furniture to him - either in his way or not. I think I have now reached the status of fondly patronized old pet to him - but do you know what, I am so proud to have achieved that! Everyone in our extended family gets so chuffed if he pays them attention.

This is the specific page that jolted me into action. I printed out the red flags list, ticked boxes and took the sheet to the GP.
Our timeline has been: GP in May, got Speech & Language assessment in Aug who put him on their waiting list and referred him to paed. Paed appt was beginning of December. Awaiting her official report and further referrals now.

The standard book recommended about AS is by Tony Attwood - A Guide to Parents and Professionals. People kept recommending it to me and it is quite helpful as a starting point.

The other place to look is the National Autistic Society website. I think they have a check list of symptons.

They do - the link is here

They seem to have updated the site. I don't remember it being that informative a few months ago!

It might be helpful to print it off so that you can show the GP how many of the symptons DS has. It might make it easier to explain to the GP what the problem is.

oh another thing - most people with AS/asd can't 'read' other peoples faces.
and cant deal with homonyms - like 'x' meaning multiply, the letter x, and "ex"... they find this sort of stuff really difficult

yes yes yes huge interest is such a fab way of putting it!

'imagination' in this sense isn't necessarily the ability to dream up wild stuff - it means the ability to put yourself in 'someone elses shoes' or think in an abstract way, like imagining what happens in a place that you are not actually in or able to see, iyswim.
this any help??

Now that is what I call timing Ilove8pm.

My DS is quite sensitive to sounds. He can't stand any kind of alarm although I think he finds them more alarming than most. A few months ago he was frightened of going into the kitchen because he said that the fridge was making scary noises. It was making a few strange sounds but they were neither loud or particularly strange. Who says AS children have a limited imagination!?

Yep, dx is diagnosis - well done. Took me ages to work that out when I first saw it.