Very violent 5yr old boy

Do not guilt parents whose only choice is residential settings. The OP will be feeling shit enough as it is. I am in a similar position but my children were older so have kept my child in the home to a teenager. But this has still come at a huge cost for the family and my other DCs. Unfortunately social services need to believe how serious you are. Respite and Residential is difficult to get that when it’s needed immediately I have known parents relinquish parental responsibility to have a violent child removed.

Hes not at school as when he was assessed he wasn't deemed suitable for special school.

OP, reception starts at 4. He should be in school. Or are you not in England or the UK? do you mind saying where you are - you might get some more practical pointers as to what to do next.

Anchor or not, his brother is being assaulted

the boy is not assaulting anyone. His needs are obviously not met very well and he sounds anxious and confused. He needs help and support. Not sure if the language used by some here is helpful.

In the short term, you need to try and separate them as much as possible. You then need to sharpen your elbows and get an EHCP and a full time special school placement. He also needs a social worker so that you can look into accessing some respite.

you need to keep the younger child safe.
the 5 year old needs to be somewhere else. he is out of control

where do you suggest a 5 year old with SN takes himself off to? He is not out of control. he has additional needs. Seriously, do people think of children with complex needs as disposable just because they are challenging? What a nasty thing to say!

Sorry OP, you are struggling. are you in the UK? He should be in school full time? Why he is not?

You need to find a way to keep the 18 months old safe. I also think you do need some help yourself. Describing a disabled 5 year old with autism as a psychopath is not normal. Your post comes across as if you really dislike your DS and this won't help the situation.

Have you looked into behaviour therapy? I am a lone parent and one of my DC is severely autistic with severe learning difficulties. We managed to eradicate quite a few challenging behaviours with behaviour therapy. It was the only thing that worked. But I think you really need to work also on your attitude towards DS. He is a 5 year old with special needs. He doesn't do any of what he does out if spite. He is your young child and needs support.

Thanks, Saltn.
So, Coordinated approach seems to be the Scottish equivalent to EHCPs...

Yes they have a equivalent called a CSP education.gov.scot/parentzone/additional-support/how-schools-plan-support/types-of-plan/

Your job is to keep both of your children safe.
It sounds like you need some respite initially.
Your youngest certainly needs protecting.

How does it work in Scotland then for children that need support? Do they have an EHCP equivalent?

I can offer you some hope OP. I was in the same place as you are once. My son was diagnosed with ASD and extreme challenging behaviour by three and like you we all have scars, some had chipped bones and we had a lot of bruises.
Professionals knew to duck as they walked into our home as he'd generally greet everyone with something thrown at their head. A SENCo once said "I think he likes me because he's only thrown at me once and missed and he never misses"
At seven I worried that one day he'd kill me but he's an adult now and a kind and gentle young man. He hasn't hurt anyone in years, in fact I think it was soon after he was eight that it all stopped.
We had incredible support from a child psychologist and a SALT and fundamentally when he started being able to talk at seven and was able to get the sensory feedback he craved from alternative and safe activities the violence stopped.
Your son is communicating in the only way he knows how at present, you need to give him the means to communicate and so what you need is support from a SALT and child psychologist too.
Please stop calling him a psychopath as well, he's a frustrated, angry and probably sad little boy with a lifelong developmental disorder that needs a team around him to make his and your life more enjoyable.

Can you rings CAHMS and see what support they can put in place?
I think he needs alot of help and from your post, it doesn't sound like you, or he, are getting any.

I think the OP is in Scotland judging by the mention of school starting in August. ECHPs aren't a thing here. Also a bit at all the suggestions of residental for a 5yo!

OP, I would speak to your health visitor and try to get a referral to a disabled children's social worker. Also contact your local autism society. They can hopefully signpost you to services and also ensure he gets the best school place for him.

Also, there is hope. My 8yo has ASD and was aggressive as a 5yo to both adults and other children. He's now much calmer abd at mainstream school. Not a single incident of violence there from August til xmas (a few things at home towards me but only during meltdowns, maybe 3 times in the same time period. He was violent daily at your son's age).

Op I can sympathise some what. I have a son with additional needs too. I know you say he isn’t ready but school but maybe he needs to be in education more than 2 days a week. Maybe get the ball rolling for an EHCP and apply for a specialist school and support. I know you say he isn’t ready but it may really may benefit him! I didn’t feel my son was ready for school at all but he really surprised us. He had only just turned 4 too. He goes to mainstream with full time 1:1.

How is his speech? My son used to get frustrated an awful lot when he wasn’t talking around your sons age.

It sounds awful. My son does have aggressive moments but not nearly as bad as you are experiencing so I do feel for you. Don’t blame yourself 🌸

No he is not a psychopath he is one extremely stressed little boy who is lashing out because he is totally overwhelmed by his environment and his inability to communicate.

Going forward what you need is proper assessment of his needs (ask your local authority for an EHCP assessment if this is not already in place) so that the right strategies and support can be put in place for him (nursery has been very remiss if they have not started this for you). A referral to social services would also be of benefit so they can organise some support for you - this might include if you are lucky a little bit of respite but also specific parenting advice for coping with a child with autism. There is a lot that can be done before he is packaged off to a residential school (do they even exist for five year olds???) and certainly there is no way he would be placed in one unless you had an EHCP and social services involvement.

I'm so sorry OP this must be very hard for you.

Firstly, what support services are involved? It sounds like they need to step it up. You need some respite and some additional intervention for your son.

It may feel like he is a psychopath but he is struggling to communicate. Because he can't he is under stimulated and is finding ways to stimulate himself.

ABA therapy can be incredible for autistic children. I have seen one child go from a non verbal, violent 4 year old to a now very verbal 12 Year old who plays a full part in family life with almost no aggressive incidents other than those which are age appropriate (of course, he is still autistic but he leads a full and happy life in a wonderful family). It is expensive though, I believe around 30k for a year.

Communication is the key here and you cannot be expected to provide the specialist care that he needs. I would suggest that a specialist school (not residential at this age) is necessary ASAP to begin to provide him with stimulation outside of the family home.

Again OP, I'm so sorry for what you're going through, please reach out for the support you are entitled to.

Lots of crossed posts.
You are now getting some constructive advice from posters...

Hopefully, with all the professionals involved, your son should have an EHCP. If he hasn't they need to get a move on.
Specialist day school provision sounds like something that could support with communication strategies and general support. Do you know if there are such schools near you? Transport is usually provided if not nearby.
In these Covid times and Lockdown, it must seem so hard.
Learning to communicate is key here and may help with some of the frustrated behaviours.
I wish you all the best of luck getting the support you and your little boy need,

I have a severely autistic son. A lot of the replies here are quite uniformed albeit well meaning. I would post on the special needs board to get a more informed response.

It you have not already a priority should be getting your son an ehcp to get him into appropirate special needs provision or appropirate support in mainstream. You will need to get educational psychologist assessements and also salt and possibly occupational therapy ones. I ended up paying for these privately to strenghten our case. I also had to threaten the LEA with tribunal to get them to produce one despite the severity of my son's condition.

If you have the resources I would recommend looking into private ABA at least in the short term which will help with language and managing behaviours.

5 is a really tough age as you are fighting for the support you need plus trying to manage your unsupported child. Please feel free to PM me.

What form of communication do you use with him? Signing, PECS, visual stories? This behaviour is likely to be borne out of frustration at not being able to communicate his needs and wishes. Is he under SALT?

Is he on any medication? Some can lead to an increase in difficult behaviour.

Does he have a social worker from the disabled children's team? You will need one to access any kind of respite. PPs have mentioned residential care, but this is likely to be unavailable (and I would question if it is even appropriate even if available). However you can be assessed for short term respite, this can be direct payments to employ someone to take him out for a few hours a week, or overnight respite (in our area a night every fortnight). My son has both. If you don't have a SW yet then you can refer yourselves. However given the current situation and the risks to your younger DC, I would be raising a safeguarding alert (details on LA website) in order to access assessments and support. A SW will not swoop in a take your children away, but will look at what is available to help your family and keep you all safe. I know that support is patchy and hugely underfunded, and unfortunately you have to be vocal about the risks, and about not coping in order to be heard.

Other than that, do you have contact with SN groups in your area? Sometimes just talking to someone who can understand what you are going through can be hugely beneficial.

OP, you will need an EHCP to access a special school. PM if you want information as my son has one so I can tell you how to start.

Are there any specialist schools around? I know it is terribly difficult to get into one.

I have an nt 3 year old wth speech delay and the frustration he feels when we can’t understand. It’s all there is their head but they’ve no way of getting it out. I don’t think residential care would be the best option I think he’d feel abandoned and even more frustrated and upset.
Will they give you a place at a specialist day school? With transport and being at school he willl be out for the majority of the day. Is there a local special families charity near you (there is with area as the first part of the name near us) they will help with advice, benefits and caters. He should be eligible for benefits which you can use to pay for some carers. Some charities offer respite services I know Covid is causing issues with these services but it’s another thing to look into.
Try and find parents in your area who have been in your position as they will know the short cuts to more help.

I would try and focus on on his speech, get ways to communicate. Must be so frustrating for him to not be understood and that can result in lashing out.

My 4 year old has speech issues and I can see it makes him so frustrated when other children don’t understand what he’s saying when he’s trying to join in. Other kids don’t understand what he’s saying but to him it’s really obvious.

As an adult I would also get frustrated if I was trying to be social or if I wanted something but no one knew... but as an adult without extra needs as such I know not to be violent.

It sounds like a really tough situation, is there anyway you can increase his nursery hours to give yourself and youngest more of a break?