Very violent 5yr old boy

Does your little one have an ehcp and a social worker(children with disabilities rather than safeguarding)? Is he under camhs at all?

The main priority is the social worker coordinating support and different agencies.

If you’re not getting the help you need after trying hard, contact social workers manager or ask the SW department for the complaints procedure and follow it.

Is there a SN preschool near to you too OP?

We are very lucky in that we have a charity run one. Two of my DF's DC went there and really benefitted from a caring environment that understood their needs.

Keep contacting your social worker. Keep putting the issue in their court repeatedly.

Can people please stop asking about residential care. You dont know what youre talking about. That just wouldnt happen for a 5 year old who the LEA are currently fobbing off for even a bloody SEN school. What an enormous leap

Your younger child is already at risk. On this basis, can your son be moved into residential care?

I think sociql services and the LEA need to take this more seriously. He needs an EHCP set up and he needs a SEN school, otherwise he is being set up to fail. He possibly needs some medication too to calm his emotional outbursts in order for him to be able to be around others safely.
You are being failed here as a family, and if they are trying to use covid as a reason to not help you, thats not good enough. A SEN school with a holistic approach and very small classes. You need to appeal the decision to send him to mainstream. They are fobbing you off. Its what they do.

If people want to use ABA to train their autistic child like Victoria Stillwell training a dog then that’s up to them I guess.

was waiting for the dog training comment. And yup, you confirmed your complete ignorance because aba is nothing like that.

ABA actually improves bonds and relationships and it helped us to irons out some severe self harming behaviours. Nothing a good bond alone would have solved.

I suspect the behaviour might be anxiety driven if it’s asd.

Also have mixed feelings on aba.

Do you notice any causes or routines when he’s upset?

Is his environment low or high stimuli?

His social worker has offered him 10 hrs a wk respite but still waiting for that to be set up.

My, admittedly very limited, experience with SWs is that she who shouts loudest goes to the top of the queue. Ring or text your SW at least daily asking for an update on this. That's what we did recently when an older member of our family needed help.

PALMS,ADDVance ,(I'm in herts not sure if these are nationwide),autistic society can all help.You need professional help.EHCPs take a long time as does getting a place in a special needs school.In the meantime there are many agencies ,parenting groups that can help you.There will also be a family support worker for your area and a school nurse.I suggest referring yourself yourself to them ASAP.There is respite you could get access to.

If people want to use ABA to train their autistic child like Victoria Stillwell training a dog then that’s up to them I guess. You can dress my views up as ignorance I don’t care. I much prefer the bonds and relationships I’ve built with children with ASD using interventions that nurture their well being and focus on reducing their anxiety and managing their sensory needs.
Apologies OP I won’t derail your thread any further so people wanting to argue with me on the merits of ABA need not bother as I won’t be reading or responding to them.

I am so sorry this is happening. We had a very aggressive child with ASD an ADHD but he did often show remorse and his language skills were not as delayed as your DSs seem to be. The only think I will say is that complete consistency in one approach for longer than you can imagine is needed to change behaviour. DH and I were discussing DS yesterday and his violence has considerably reduced but he was very aggressive from age 4 to 11 at school
( much less at home and never with us after 5 years old)
Be had a lot of professional interventions at school but in the end he found the school environment much harder and more frustrating to deal with than his home so it took longer to sort out. School could also only make certain accomodations

Have you asked the professionals what you need to do to keep your family safe?. What behaviour interventions do they suggest you use? Is there anything your DS cares about that you can take away, every time he hurts someone? You need to only take it away for physically hurting though. All other sorts of difficult behaviour need to be ignored for a while until the hurting others is under control.

As a short term way of trying to keep DC2 safe, could you use a playpen for at least part of the day? I know a lot of people don't like them but he might be safer with some sort of barrier between him and DC1.

I would also ask MNHQ to move this thread over to the SN Section. You may get some MNers with experience giving you advice on what worked for them

Search for Yvonne Newbold on Facebook. She gives a lot of advice and runs courses on dealing with SEND VCB (violent & challlenging behaviour).

I would begin by looking at his diet.
www.google.com/amp/s/blog.brainbalancecenters.com/2015/04/common-food-triggers-of-behavioral-issues%3fhs_amp=true
Also, his routine. Children need secure routines, with plenty of exercise.
Can you discover any triggers to his violence?

I’m sorry that you are stuck in this situation OP. Where are you based as I am trying to work out why your DC only has access to nursery twice a week?

If he has not yet started school can you press your support services for a full time SEN nursery place? (In England 30hours funding applies until children are 5 even if they have applied for a CSA start)

They would then be able to make the assessments for an EHCP and finding the right setting for him when he does start ( it doesn’t sound like a mainstream school is likely to be able to meet his needs). Full time nursery would also give you and your family a break.

When you speak to them make sure you stress the safe guarding aspect of your younger child (I wouldn’t worry that they are going to swoop in and take a 5 year old off to a residential setting - there are many steps to be tried first even if this does become an option further down the line).

In the meantime can you make a safe space for your youngest/ or one that they can both use separately?

Hang in there OP.

+1 for OT referral. Preferably a Sensory Integration Assessment.

My youngest was very violent, but has calmed a lot now he's in nursery 3 days a week. They have been amazing and he has a whole team around him (also Scotland). It's been coordinated through the health visitor.

The improvement has been concurrent with an increase in communication skills. He talks more and reads (just on his own, we didn't try to teach him) so less frustrated, more thinking.

6 months ago I was honestly losing hope. He would have terrible violent meltdowns. Now it's just occasional lashing out, which we can mostly head off.

I would ask for this to be moved to the SEND board.

He is 5 and autistic. Autism is complex, do you have any kind of routine for him at home? Have you looked into ways of calming him. He sounds overloaded. My autistic nephew has lots of lights to look at and they calm him down (bubble lamps). Sensory things could help.

His speech will also be adding to his rage. Please join the parenting groups for Autism and SEND. There are strategies to help.

Please avoid ABA

good ABA can be a life changer. I would highly recommend it if you can afford it. Sadly, there is a lot of ignorant bias about ABA around.

The entire family need help and support, including the little brother. Call it assault or not but external help is needed as a priority.

OP you need respite and your child needs support and structure. Ideally you need a joint social care and education assessment. You will need to kick up a noise to get it. Whoever denied your child education last year will be the place to start. Two nursery sessions a week is clearly inadequate. He needs a daily placement and communication support for him and for you. Your son is not a psychopath. He is an autistic 5 year old who has been left without the resources he needs to learn to communicate more effectively. This is wrong but it is not his fault. You need to get assertive with your local authority and social care and insist they make a better, stronger, more supportive plan that includes DAILY education.

I’m sorry you’re going through this I hope you can get him into specialist school where they can manage his behaviour and at least give you some respite.

Please avoid ABA or at least research it very carefully and look at some autistic peoples accounts and experiences.

Can you ask for an OT referral?

He's not a psychopath.

All behaviour is communication. I know you are tired and stressed but you have to try and figure out what he is communicating before he is so frustrated he hurts you. Is noise from the baby a trigger? If so, will he wear noise cancelling headphones? The urge to bite may be addressed by directing him to a chewy buddy. Weighted blankets can be calming. A dark sensory tent can be regulating. You need to try different things and see what gives each reaction, so you can preempt a situation or find a calming tool. Often, by the time a child is at the point of very big behaviour, they will have given you lots of signs it is going to happen, you just arent reading them yet.