daughter won't go to school

@TVStar I don't know if you have ever tried to get a child with any kind of anxiety or SEN (let alone PTSD like this child has) to do something?? - especially something that is a specific trigger?
It reaches a tipping point where to continue to push and 'force' is very counter-productive. being firm and setting up boundaries and expectations is fine, but it simply can't be done in a meltdown situation. My DS would have escalated to the point of self-harm in this situation.

Sometimes the best option is really to retreat and regroup. find a way to have a calm conversation with the child in a moment when they aren't stressed about what you expect and that you have a plan and agreement in place with the child.

OP you have rights here and the school does need to step up and protect your child and provide a pathway for her to attend school. If they can't provide ongoing help they have a duty to try and get an EHCP, and they should have availability of a TA or SENCO short term to facilitate getting her into school calmly.

I had 'some' luck with getting my DS in before everyone else so that it was calm.

Also - a suggestion: My DCs school changed their morning procedures (due initially to building work) and were surprised at teh difference it made to mornings fro all children. Basically they went from a bell, with lining up, and classes going in class by class, with all the stress of waiting and being made to wait even longer if someone misbehaved in the line - to children going straight in as they arrived and up to classrooms. (they didn't have room on the playground for queuing). There was a window of time (8.40 - 9.55) rather than 9.55 am for arrival. kids took to coming early so they could chat with teacher and read in the reading corner. Teachers found everyone much calmer - and there was room fro 15 mins reading before class started too. If you move her think about the morning routine of your chosen school....

Really, she is 8. Staying at home will only make her school phobia worse not to mention putting your family out on the street.

OP try the special needs boards on here. Some incredibly wise women who know the law and what you can do to get help inside out. Lots and lots of single parents- partly because having SEN kids is hard on family life.
They’ve been there.
Glad you MP is on it though.

The SEN Birds here have lots of advice on getting EHCP too. If you can get it School will get specific funding for one to one or TA for her.

she has talked about killing herself since year2
This is so sad. How does a six year old even know what suicide is? If it is at all possible to take your child out of school, even part time, it would help. I was that child and being forced to school caused lifelong mental health issues.

You have my sympathies this is horrible. My daughter went through similar. My approach with her has always been to say I have her back, will do whatever I can to help but the non negotiable is that she has to go to school. We can do it nicely or we can do it in a tough approach way but she IS going to school. And then I made a bit of a hassle of myself with the school to get their support for her too. It is so so hard though, and there were days when I just wanted to let her stay home but I think when you start on that path it makes it harder in the long run. Be kind to yourself though, it's such a hard thing to deal with

Also look at groups outside school if she is well enough. Such as brownies. May help her form some out of school friendships to give her more confidence. Though it may be too much of an overload afterschool.

Her friend leaving will be a huge trigger.

Schools can be very unsupportive about applying for echp as they have only so many educational psychology hours per year. So you may have to do a parent application- and expect to be turned down at the first try and you will probably have to appeal.

Amazed school didnt agree to pt timetable as they usually jump at them where I am as means they dont have to deal with the child.

Firstly join some online groups for your mental health.

Secondly - seriously look at having her assessed for autism, OCD, sensory processing etc - you will have to be tenacious about it via your gp.

Thirdly - consider applying for echp. Check out ipsea to help with this.

She may not be able to cope in a main stream environment without a 1:1 or she may need a special school that can cater to her needs. Unfortunately you will probably have to fight for all this.

I took my ds out of school and my advice would be don't do it.
All help dries up instantly as it's no longer a school problem.

Keep on at cahms, keep on at school, keep on at mp. Do you have any savings where you can take a leave of absence for a bit to help dd work on this. Even two weeks would be better than nothing.

Try taking her to school whilst letting her know you will be waiting outside all day in case she has any problems you will be right there. Then when you get the phone call you go in get her bring her to the car/waiting place and calm her down resettle her then take her back in again with the reassurance that you will be right here waiting. Do that on repeat for as long as possible in the hopes that gradually she settles in.

In addition or instead of could you and school guarantee her the ability to check in with you at regular intervals throughout the day. Like if she is having a problem with the floor whatever she can go to teacher and they say right if you can manage for 3 mins then we can go phone mum or after every lesson and every break time.

Depending on the size of your mortgage having a lodger might cover it. I get that you don't want one and it may mean you and your dd may have to share a bedroom, but it could be a stop gap whilst you sort something else out for your dd and it might help you avoid homelessness.

Can you work from home at all? may be worth asking your company.This happened to a friend of mine .Home Education is the answer .So much happier Mum and child!.School doesnt work for everyone sadly.Could you move closer to your DP, and they can home educate in the mornings for example .Have you checked what kind of benefits you may be able to claim if you are at home with her .Also are there any sort of Schools nearby ,Rudolph Steiner for example these may help children who are a little shy and are not too expensive .

What about speaking to the senco about other schooling options such as boarding school or a special needs school as they are in my experience less regimented than a standard maintained School.( new environment. And getting away from everything might help?)

It might be in her best interested to get her refered for special education needs and the senco can help with that

@Tvstar What a stupid question. She is clearly very unwell, how will forcing her to school help? The teachers will no doubt send her home anyway.

I've been through this with both my children although they were older (years 8 and 11). Unfortunately it didn't resolve for either and is still ongoing despite them being at college now (elder daughter has ASD, younger anxiety and depression).

We had to home school our youngest because her education was suffering. It was that or no education at all.

I wish I could say it got better but it didn't.

Yes, it sucks. And you will be skint

It’s not just about being ‘skint’ though is it? It’s about being able to afford a roof over their heads. How will the OP pay the mortgage if she doesn’t work? Put food on the tables?

I would home educate in your position and maybe get someone to help me so it isn't a one man job. You may find a group of home educators near where you live, look online. However I don't know what hours you work, if you are full time every day I know it would be difficult.

It's a real headache for you and your daughter and I'm sorry.

Why can't you force her in?

Sorry also meant to add, if her mental health is really suffering, you may just have to bite the bullet and take her out. Yes, it sucks. And you will be skint. But the difference in her will be worth being poor for a while. I honestly think if I’d carried on forcing my eldest to go to school, she’d have killed herself by now. You could look into medical education (small units for children who can’t attend mainstream because of physical or mental ill health).

My son was quite a bit older when his refusal became unmanageable. We had five hours of tuition allocated by the local authority, but someone had to be present at home when the tuition took place.

Does your daughter have an EHCP? If not, you can request statutory assessment. If one to one support helps, then this would seem to be a reasonable adjustment that the school should consider. Funding for this would be an issue for the school, which is why an EHCP may help.

Do you have any adults e.g. grandparent etc who could help?

Hi OP.

I went through this with my eldest who has ASD, started school refusal in year 6, and by year 9 her mental health was so bad I had no choice but to take her out of school completely. She was out for 18 months and is now at a special school with an EHCP.

I’m now facing the same thing with my youngest in year 5. She started getting really anxious and having meltdowns about going to school last year in year 4. What has helped is her seeing the school’s ELSA support person. She has two one to one sessions with her a week and it’s really helped, and now she’s a lot happier about going in.

I’m a single parent too and yes it makes life very difficult financially if they won’t go! I’m self employed so at least I can choose my own hours and can’t get sacked, but if it wasn’t for receiving DLA and carer’s allowance I would be screwed. Have you applied for DLA? If you have medical evidence of her trauma you may be able to get it.

You're definitely not the only single parent in this position. Join the Facebook group. Also what have school down to help? Is the SENCO involved? Your DD's problems with attendance, ptsd, anxiety etc most definitely come under the SEN remit. Has the Ed psych been involved? Is the school the same one where she was bullied? If so I would seriously consider moving her.