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Original poster

To give up on my son's school?

134 replies

jaffacakesaremyfave · 04/07/2017 13:51

My 8 year old DS has severe behavioural problems at school. In the past 2 years he has been excluded more times than I can count, been put on a reduced timetable once for 3 months and recently again for an indefinite period (so he's currently excluded every Friday)

His reception year at school was fine but when he moved into year 1, the problems started. We relocated due to my work and he moved school when he was at the end of year 1 and things really began to deteriorate.

He had a bad start due to racial bullying which I don't feel the school took seriously and as his behaviour became worse, they resorted to locking him in a small room until he calmed down but would often leave him there until I came to collect him even when he had calmed down.

I fought to get him into a better school which was run by the same head teacher where his older brother attends and for the first term his behaviour improved dramatically. However, over the last year we seem to be back to where we started.

The most recent incident was yesterday where he left school premises (he's never done this before) and the school rang the police. They only called me after he had gone back into school and said they called the police as they are unable to follow him when he leaves school grounds. The police never came so basically if he does this again they will leave my 8 year old son to wander around a busy main road until the police arrive.

I feel at my wits end and I don't know how things can move forward. I have had so many meetings with the school to try and manage his behaviour. He has a teaching assistant and he is extremely fond of his current class teacher but his behaviour deteriorates if neither of them are in school (like yesterday when both were at sports day all day). Next year will be horrendous as he already doesn't like his new teacher for year 4.

I've tried to get him referred to CAHMS several times through both the school and GP but these have led nowhere. His main problems seems to be about becoming frustrated if he can't do his work or if he is told off for something that he feels is unjust (like being told off for talking in class when it wasn't him talking) This leads to him either completely shutting down and becoming mute for hours on end or become destructive and swearing at teachers.

At home he is generally well behaved but we have a very close relationship and I have learned how to ask him to do things in a way that avoids conflict and if things escalate then I know how to calm him down and he always accepts his punishments (e.g losing his electrics, pocket money, can't go to football etc)

I recently had a meeting with someone from parent partnership who attended a meeting with the head and she agreed that some of the things the school were doing were not helpful (e.g if my son walked off they would tell him he's going to a PRU or back to the previous school for which they also run).

He has witnessed DV when he was very young from his father (who is now in prison and he no longer sees) and i found out last year that their father was emotionally abusing him and his brothers (which never made it to trial).

I have asked for counselling but nowhere can provide it for free so my only option is private which I can't afford. The school made a referral to a charity for young carers (after me pushing for a year to try and find an organisation that can help him) but they only offer an outing after school every fortnight and it really isn't set up for children like my son who have behavioural issues.

I've been to CAHMS in the past and done the 6 week parenting course but like I say, his behaviour at home isn't the issue and CAHMS won't deal with behavioural problems.

I feel like the school has given up on him and labelled our family as 'one of those families'. They are extremely patronising to me (comments such as 'well you do so well getting them to school looking clean' etc.)

Not that it should make a difference to how we are judged but although I am a single parent, I have always worked, have a high level of education and am in a professional career but they still seem to treat me like I'm some silly single mother who has messed up her child and assume I'm at home on benefits.

Sorry for the long post but I really do not know where to go from here. Should I move his school for a third time to one not affiliated with this one or leave my son in a school not able to manage his behaviour and potentially letting him leave the premises and not be followed.

Where do I stand legally with their position on this? Surely they have a duty of care to ensure he is safe during school hours and if they cannot manage that then they should call me immediately so I can intervene.

I am so exhausted and upset by this situation

OP posts:
Original poster
jaffacakesaremyfave · 04/07/2017 21:13

Roll, there really is only one EP for the whole LA and as Yellow said, it's only for children who need assessing for SN register.

Yellow, the old school was a failing LA school which was given a sister school status when head of current (outstanding) school took over.

They had an acting head in old school but yes, it's impossible for a complete fresh start as some of the teachers are the same and every time DS had a meltdown they threatened to send him back to old school months after his probationary period was over because they felt it worked. I asked them to stop saying that to him because it was destroying his trust in current school staff and wasn't something I would allow them to follow through on because of the 'safe' room cupboard and other issues. I said I would rather him excluded at home but they said that would be a reward for him even though I've told them many times I make him do work at home.

I would live to be in a financial position to home school him but it's not an option. I am going to look into private Ed psych assessment costs tonight.

Yellow I'll PM you now, thank you for your help Flowers

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Crochetthedayaway · 04/07/2017 21:06

The area I live in has specialist counselling for children who have experienced domestic abuse, this is run by a domestic abuse charity, are you sure that there is no support for children who have experienced this in your area.
I wonder if the school issues are impact of his abuse experiences. You have done well if he is able to manage well at home.
I wouldn't rule out a PRU I have seen some work really well with young people. I also wouldn't worry out outstanding ratings, a school with good support and fits your child's needs is the most important thing.

Original poster
jaffacakesaremyfave · 04/07/2017 20:54

Thank you Can't for your kind words Flowers

I will definitely pursue the GP again although they seem completely out of touch with what is happening in our LA with lack of Ed psych (I asked for CAHMS referral, they said they can't, has to be Ed psych. I asked school re Ed psych referral, they said has to be GP referral and round and round we go!!)

I have no idea if they are specially trained to touch him. They call it 'team teaching' and yes they used to physically put him in the room. They still physically restrain him and I've never seen paperwork for this or consented.

They no longer use the cupboard (which I asked exclusions officer if this was legal and he said school is an old building and they are allowed to use what resources they can to restrain) I certainly never agreed to this being used and it was the last straw when my friend had to collect my son from old school after they called me at work (I work an hour away) and she was shocked about the cupboard and that he was lying on the floor calm whilst the teacher had their foot blocking the door from the outside. He had been in there at least 30 minutes. This is when the managed move took place as I refused to let him return.

I don't think anything changed re deteriorating behaviour after first term in new school. He was relieved to leave old school and be at school with his brother and I think they had more patience with him then. Also his class teacher is fabulous and sees past his behavioural problems. This is why I'm so concerned about his new teacher next year.

I've arranged a meeting with the head on Monday and need a list of the things I want the school to do.

SS became involved following disclosure of abuse and there was a meeting around the child. They recommend a family support worker who was as useless as a chocolate tea pot. She wanted to do parenting classes with me but at the time I worked FT and she couldn't fit around my working hours and she eventually gave up trying to find a suitable time. SS found no need for further involvement and we've been left to pick up the pieces since.

It honestly feels like I'm banging my head against a brick wall!!

One reason I'm reluctant to move his school is that they are obviously trying to avoid permanent exclusion which I'm grateful for and also it is an outstanding school, whereas others in the area do less well in terms of OFSTED but then I need to weigh up whether a different school would serve his needs better. The school I'm looking around on Friday serves a deprived area so does that mean they will have more funding for support for children with behavioural difficulties?

OP posts:
yellowsun · 04/07/2017 20:43

All local authorities work differently regarding funding. In mine, we can apply for funding separately to an EHCP. This does mean that EHCPs are rarely given out and only if a child is deemed to need special provision. Neighbouring LAs link finding to EHCPs and the threshold is lower.
It does seem like they have given up on him. In my school we would have referred him to to the educational psychologist and sought advice from the inclusion officer at the authority. We used to have an authority behaviour improvement team but they were cut due financial reasons.
It is horrendous that they have been excluding him unofficially. Reduced timetables are sometimes necessary but are a last resort and a temporary measure. They should always be agreed by parents.
You say that the school is an authority school and not an academy but that he has moved to a sister school - is it that it is a small rural school and ther share a head? It's unlikely that he will get a fresh start there.
It is difficult to offer advice when I don't know where you are but there are local organisations that can offer advice and act as an advocate for you. If you are happy to PM me your location, I would happily do some digging for you online and get some names.

rollonthesummer · 04/07/2017 20:39

The fact that three schools have struggled with him there is a real issue rather than all of the schools are rubbish.

There is no money in education-things are pretty awful, but I'm struggling to believe there's no EP anywhere? Which LEA are you in? They often have support-specialist teachers etc

Have you taken him to the GP? He sounds like he needs a referral to a paediatrician to assess for ADHD/ASD/ODD/PDA etc

I would absolutely pay for an EP assessment myself if your LEA is struggling that much though.

TrinityTaylor · 04/07/2017 20:32

I'd take him out and loosely home school until a diagnosis or more help could he found. Then I'd be visiting a fuck ton of schools which profess to be good with SEN perhaps one with specialist units, specialist provisions, and waiting until I could get him in before returning to full time education.

EezerGoode · 04/07/2017 20:28

I had a very similar experience with one of my dc..my advice is to move schools before they expell him,as it's very hard getting another school to take an expelled child..I speek from bitter experience

Cantchooseaname · 04/07/2017 20:27

That all sounds so hard, and you sound so clued up to what your son needs.
I would visit every school you could possibly get him too - including any special provision. See how you feel about them.
Your son sounds like he has serious trust issues (completely understandably). He takes 'criticism' from you as he trusts you. Likewise, as he has a relationship with the ta he finds it easier to accept her boundaries.
It feels like the key would be finding a setting that understands him, and is willing/ able to put time into building relationships with him.
The fight/ flight part of brain can be very sensitive in people who witnessed/ were involved in trauma at a young age. It's not his fault- or yours. His emotional development was interrupted. It's up to the adult world to help him through this. And with a sensitive, intelligent and compassionate mum on his side he will get through it.

Wolfiefan · 04/07/2017 20:21

Stupid question. What changes after the initial successful period? Change of staff or approach?

Chillyegg · 04/07/2017 20:12

Also id also write to the senco saying you no longer give permission for him to.use a safe space.
Are the staff placing him.in there secura care trained? If not why are they touching him.

Clearly what ever they are doing now isnt working for your son.

Chillyegg · 04/07/2017 20:03

A Pastoral Support Plan (PSP) is a school based programme which is meant to help a child to improve their social, emotional and behavioural skills. The PSP will identify precise and specific targets for the child to work towards and should include the child and parents in the drafting process.
This needs to be done after a behaviour strategy meeting health and safety checks and a tick sheet of all serious incidents of all serious behaviour recording whata happenedd.
If it hasnt been cleared by you then they cant put him in the safe space. Is it an "actual" safe space or a cupboard?
They should be keeping records of seclusion. Behaviour incident forms and there needs to be expressed permission by you and behaviour specialists to restrain a child or place them.in a safe place.
If they are doing none of this go to the lea. Go to the goveners report them.to ofstead and social services.
No one can restrain a child or place them on a safe space without a looooooooooong slog of paper work and assesments from proffessionals such as ed psyches. He also needs to be proved to a serious risk to other children, staff and himself
He needs to go so a gp look at an assesment for Autism, Aspergers etc . He could also have a sensory processing disorder he may need a sensory diet. I think an ed psyche is a good start to assess him tbh id pay for it if i could. I cant obviously diagnose your child over the internet i think persobally you need to requesy your childs file and all paper work. Get him moved.
Start fresh.

roundtable · 04/07/2017 20:01

That sounded incredibly abrupt, sorry.

Posting on my phone whilst doing other things.

roundtable · 04/07/2017 19:59

In your shoes, I would be making weekly appointments with your GP and counselling/what's happened at school/what you have to do at home to manage behaviour that week until they get the message. He clearly needs help asap to manage his emotions.

I would also be pursuing an ehcp at the same time. Plus looking at other schools where he can have a fresh start.

Post in SN too. There's lots of posters there that can help you.

MaisyPops · 04/07/2017 19:48

It's not automatically illegal. I think that's the crux of it.

There are ways to have reduced timetables that are legal and are about meeting a child's needs. I've got some students at the moment on reduced timetables as part of a wider programme of support.

The school really should be looking into assessment or support in my opinion. Whether that means that the support you get is necessarily what you want is a different matter. E.g. we have lots of children with additional support, but it's not all 1-1 TAs etc.

Your best route if school aren't listening might be to contact social services and ask for an early help meeting. They're multi agency support teams that give help to families who need it. We've referred families when we think there is need for support but it's not necessarily an educational need (e.g social issues affecting education)

missymayhemsmum · 04/07/2017 19:48

Ask for a meeting with the Safeguarding and Special needs Governors. Explain that your child has issues which you believe stem from his father's abuse, and that you have tried to secure help for him. Agree with the school that his behaviour is a problem, and ask what plan they can put in place to ensure that he is safe, educated, cared for and not disrupting the education of other children. Ask them to work with you in securing a statement of SEN for him and the extra support he needs. Dd's school also has kids who are runners, as a result the gates are locked and have keycodes or padlocks. He shouldn't be able to escape into the road during school time, surely if he can get out, anyone can get in? Make it clear that you are a highly educated, engaged, pushy parent, who will support them in providing your son with the appropriate education, (and will be able to give them hell/ drag them to court if they don't).
Have you tried womens aid for play therapy?

Chillyegg · 04/07/2017 19:48

Im in a similar position to you op. So i understand on some levels op. Obviously my story isnt your story.
I do think you should move schools!!
They sound beyond the pale terrible.

Tarrarra · 04/07/2017 19:44

This is a child who clearly has needs that the school isn't meeting. The school should be working with you to get him the support that he clearly needs. They can't fund extra support without a diagnosis though, so should be documenting each incident to build a picture or what triggers his behaviour. You need to go back to your GP with a list of these incidents and school should be pushing for an Ed Psych referral too. I don't know where you are in the country, but your LA should have a Special Needs Team who can advise you and IPSEA may be able to offer advice on how to move forward as well. www.ipsea.org.uk/ Good luck OP, it sounds very distressing for you, but for him as well...

Original poster
jaffacakesaremyfave · 04/07/2017 19:39

Chilly, what is a PSP? Who should be assessing him? If I go private, what professional should I be looking at? A psychiatrist?

Safe guarding were not remotely interested that they were using a 'safe room' the size of a cupboard to restrain him even when calm:

If this is all illegal why is no one taking my complaints seriously? Who do I escalate to?

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Original poster
jaffacakesaremyfave · 04/07/2017 19:36

Chilly, the comment about single mum on benefits is that they expect me to be able to find childcare every Friday for an indefinite period with no consideration of how this will affect me providing for my children long term. Who can provide childcare for an 8 year old during school hours? What do I tell my employer?

I don't judge anyone on benefits (particularly single mums) but there is an automatic assumption that I don't work which I assume is because I'm a single mum and that I'm uneducated because I had my children young and married an abusive bastard.

The school were involved in the court case as one of my children disclosed the abuse to a TA who was due to testify in court. The head asked me had I heard about the case being dropped. When I said yes and I was upset, she said 'oh well I assumed that you had dropped it'. I was hugely insulted by this. I disclosed everything to school and police the minute they told me about the abuse and have worked with both police and school for her to just assume I dropped the case like I don't care.

OP posts:
Original poster
jaffacakesaremyfave · 04/07/2017 19:28

And yes there are consequences at home when he is bad at school. I make him do housework when he is excluded and bought him books to do at home (as they often don't send any work home for him to complete). He loses his phone until he's had a good full week at school, is not allowed to attend football training (something he loves), make him write letters of apology and I reward his brothers for good behaviour at school in front of him.

I'm by no means a perfect parent but I try my best to reinforce the schools stance at home. I have never 'sided' with him in the sense that I diminish the seriousness of what he has done. We are extremely close though and he wants to please me and obviously doesn't have these relationships at school which is out of my control.

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Original poster
jaffacakesaremyfave · 04/07/2017 19:23

I can assure you Fresh that home isn't 100% suited to what he wants. He still has to go to bed on time, tidy his room, eat his dinner at the table. He doesn't want to do these things but I find that positive reinforcement works better than telling him off. He shares my time with his 2 older DC and obviously there are times they fight but if I deal with it fairly then he accepts his punishment. He doesn't have coping mechanisms because he is disturbed and I don't see how making home miserable for him too will improve anything.

The managed move was on an initial 6 week probationary period after which they were happy with his progress and allowed him to stay. It was after the first term that things deteriorated.

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Chillyegg · 04/07/2017 19:19

im.going to ignore the odd comment in the op about single mothers on benefits.

First change his school, his running sway is a massive indicater he isnt happy.
Log all incidents etc

Being locked in rooms etc is wrong and with out a PSP is not alowed i work in a slecial school and we also take children with SMEH. To do what theyve done is illegal.
The head teacher getting angry about you informing whoever is wrong.
He needs assessing, then an ehcp and then to go to a specialist school.
They shouldnt threaten a child either with pru..who are these people?

SmileEachDay · 04/07/2017 19:07

Was it an official managed move? With reviews etc built in?

Fresh8008 · 04/07/2017 19:05

Sounds like a terrible situation for all involved. It seems for whatever the reason that school isn't suitable for him (probably not their fault) and you have to move him elsewhere. Where or what that would be I have no idea, good luck.

Another impression I have, could be wrong, is that his home environment is 100% suited to his preferences, in a way that school/real life cant be. Maybe you need to shake things up so he isn't so comfortable and can start learning coping mechanisms at home.

Are there consequences at home for his bad school behavior? Do you take the schools side or act as if he has done nothing wrong and its all the schools fault?

Original poster
jaffacakesaremyfave · 04/07/2017 19:04

It's a state school Nanny.

OP posts: